JAPAN: Work of the Heart

JAPAN: Work of the Heart

Japanese Woman

I read an article recently about “emotional labor.” You know what that is even if you don’t know what that is: the constant conversation going on in your head when someone asks, “What’s for dinner?”

You peek into your mental refrigerator, pit Johnny’s constipation against the fact that Sally will come home starved from basketball practice, your husband has high blood pressure and needs to reduce his salt intake, your mother-in-law has a birthday party at three and after all that cake no one will be hungry, and you only have $50 left in your checking account.

All that, not to mention keeping track of who needs picking up when and who needs what medicine and who has which project and oh- there’s a doll shoe, someone will be looking for that later, all of that thatness, is emotional labor.

I bet most women know exactly what I’m talking about, and are started to get exhausted from this post reminding you of the gazillion little things you need to be doing. (Our bath tile needs a good scrub.)

We are all doing way too much of it, with no remuneration (wouldn’t that be nice?) or so much as a thank you.

It may be more obvious, here, in Japan, where the gender divide is still a chasm and fathers spend all of their waking hours at work. The imbalance between the sexes is so off that you don’t need a scale (which I alone know the location of.)

For anyone who is reading this and thinking, what’s the big deal? I can say with some confidence that you are not pulling your weight in this area, or you would certainly know exactly what the deal is, and that is is enormous.

It’s easy enough to see how this happens: when you are a couple, keeping track of the minutiae of life for two is doable. If you’re like me and have a husband who doesn’t quite grasp which food items go in the fridge, and that the aloe gel is a) not a food item and b) not fridge space worthy, then you take these things on by default. (Yes, the aloe incident actually happened.)

But when you become a three person family, or more, with multiple schools and activities and interests and needs, then this becomes a massive task. And Mom is still doing it all.

What’s the solution? I wish I had a clue. Even when this kind of micromanagement is a career, it’s still female dominated and therefore underpaid if not outright disparaged. I’m thinking of all my secretaries, assistants, and teachers out there, but please feel free to add to this list.

I read this online, and I thought, “There is a term for this. There is a reason I am so constantly exhausted emotionally. I’m not alone. And other people realize that this work has value.” It’s too bad none of those people currently live in my house, but baby steps are better than nothing.

So, to all the other moms out there holding up the sky: what you are feeling is real. It isn’t fair, no, but you aren’t imagining it. I don’t have any answers, but sometimes acknowledging there is a problem is the biggest step.

How do you divide emotional or mental take in your family? And more importantly, how can I get the other three people I live with to start doing more of this for themselves?

This is an original post by World Mom, Melanie Oda in Japan. 

Photo credit to cpo57 . This photo has a creative commons attribution license. 

Melanie Oda (Japan)

If you ask Melanie Oda where she is from, she will answer "Georgia." (Unless you ask her in Japanese. Then she will say "America.") It sounds nice, and it's a one-word answer, which is what most people expect. The truth is more complex. She moved around several small towns in the south growing up. Such is life when your father is a Southern Baptist preacher of the hellfire and brimstone variety. She came to Japan in 2000 as an assistant language teacher, and has never managed to leave. She currently resides in Yokohama, on the outskirts of Tokyo (but please don't tell anyone she described it that way! Citizens of Yokohama have a lot of pride). No one is more surprised to find her here, married to a Japanese man and with two bilingual children (aged four and seven), than herself. And possibly her mother. You can read more about her misadventures in Asia on her blog, HamakkoMommy.

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PHILIPPINES: An Open Letter To The Mom Who Wants To Do It All…

PHILIPPINES: An Open Letter To The Mom Who Wants To Do It All…

Tina's Invitation from the Philippines

Dear Mom Who Wants To Do It All,

I’m writing this as much for myself as for you. I sense your worry. I feel your fatigue. I can see the endless to-do lists in your notebook and the jam-packed schedules in your planner. I can hear you cry out with frustration, wondering “How.in.the.world.can.I.do.it.all?! There’s just too much to do and too little time!”

I don’t have the answer to your question but I do know this. You…and I? We don’t really have to, you know, do it all. We don’t! Really.

The world may tell us otherwise though. But I’m here to remind you (and myself) that we don’t. Yes, we may want to do it all but most of the time we don’t have to. Sometimes, all we have to do is just be. Just be a wife. Just be a mom. Just be yourself. Just be.

Strip down your to-do lists to the bare essentials.

Simplify your schedules to make more time for the essentials that make life truly rich and worth living. The essentials like your family.

Today, I challenge you (and myself!) to embrace the fact that you really can’t do it all… But you can do any or all of the following:

Say yes to your child when she asks you to play with her.

Read not just 1, but 3 (or more!) books when your child asks you to read to him.

Hug your spouse/partner and whisper sweet nothings into his ear.

Take 5 minutes to just breathe…deep breaths.

Give thanks for all the blessings you have but may take for granted.

When you really think about it, not doing it all seems so much more attractive, doesn’t it? So how about it? Will you join me in my quest to focus on ‘the essentials’ of life? To try to not want to ‘do it all’ but do what’s needed? I hope we can ‘talk’ about this in the comments!

This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Tina Rodriquez-Santiago, Truly Rich Mom, in The Philippines. 

Tina Santiago-Rodriguez (Philippines)

Tina Santiago-Rodriguez is a wife and homeschool mom by vocation, a licensed physical therapist by education and currently the managing editor of Mustard, a Catholic children's magazine published by Shepherd's Voice Publications in the Philippines, by profession. She has been writing passionately since her primary school years in Brunei, and contributes regularly to several Philippine and foreign-based online and print publications. She also does sideline editing and scriptwriting jobs, when she has the time. Find out more about Tina through her personal blogs: Truly Rich Mom and Teacher Mama Tina.

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