World Tour: Gender Roles, Mr. Mom and Ms. Dad

World Tour: Gender Roles, Mr. Mom and Ms. Dad

Welcome to “World Tour” where we feature a guest post from around the world, here, at World Moms Blog.  Today, we’re in the USA and talking gender roles with father, Scott, from the blog, Three Five Zero. 

There was a time in America when the color of your skin determined which schools you could go to, where you sat on a city bus and what careers you could choose, among many other things.  That time long ago passed.

There was a time in America when your gender determined whether or not you could vote, among other things.  That time long ago passed.

There is still a large part of our population that believes that only certain genders of parents can do certain things, and that some genders can’t do some things at all.  Only Dads can be little league coaches.  Only Moms can go bra and panty shopping.  Dads can’t soothe babies.  Moms can’t do their own home improvements.  I really want this time to pass.

 

Scott ThreeFiveZero Rigdon and Family

 

I happen to be a single dad, and because I am a single dad, I learned to do things I never imagined I would need to do.  Bras and panties, for example.  I’m an expert, and I don’t really care who dislikes my presence in those departments in the clothing stores.  My kid needs them.

I used to be very self conscious in those situations.  Not anymore…  I go get what I need, and I don’t even pay attention to who else is there, or whether or not they notice me.  Just like picking up a gallon of milk.

I know lots of single moms, too.  Want to meet guys?  Go to your favorite home improvement store.  Men are likely to offer you help whether you need it or not.  I’m happy to help anyone who asks for help.  I won’t offer help based on any assumptions about what tasks your gender makes you capable, or incapable, of.  I’ll assume you know what milk you’re buying, too, whether you’re male or female.  If you don’t ask for my help, I’ll assume you’re able to paint your kid’s bedroom all by yourself.

This list of examples could go on and on and on.  In fact, I hope you’ll leave comments regarding your (least?) favorite story about something another parent assumed you couldn’t do just because you were Mom or Dad.  I’ll chuckle along with you, and if the story is topped with enough sexism, I’ll get just as annoyed as you were when it happened.

When my kids are grown, I hope that all of these archaic stereotypes have long passed.  I hope that they raise kids in a family unit of some sort, but if either of them ends up raising kids on their own, Grandpa Scott will be there to hack away at those gender biases and stereotypes, along with any that might still exist about what grandparents can or can’t do!

Family comes in all shapes and sizes.  Do kids need both male and female influences?  I absolutely believe they do.  If you’re a good parent, you’ll make good choices about who those influences will be, and it will all work out just fine in the end.  It doesn’t matter whether you’re Dad or Mom.  Good parents do whatever their kids need them to.  Period.

Help me out?  The next time you see a single mom or a single dad, look at them differently.  Think about any assumptions you had about him or her the moment you saw them.  Then erase those assumptions from your thought process forever.  Look at him or her as a parent, and only a parent, and assume he or she is a very good one unless you know otherwise.

Do you have a favorite story about something another parent assumed you couldn’t do just because you were Mom or Dad?

This is an original post to World Moms Blog. Scott is a single dad.  He didn’t plan it that way, but he did rise to the occasion.  You can find Scott blogging at www.ThreeFiveZero.com

 Photo credit to the author. 

 

World Moms Blog

World Moms Blog is an award winning website which writes from over 30 countries on the topics of motherhood, culture, human rights and social good. Over 70 international contributors share their stories from around the globe, bonded by the common thread of motherhood and wanting a better world for their children. World Moms Blog was listed by Forbes Woman as one of the "Best 100 Websites for Women 2012 & 2013" and also called a "must read" by the NY Times Motherlode in 2013. Our Senior Editor in India, Purnima Ramakrishnan, was awarded the BlogHer International Activist Award in 2013.

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World Mom Feature: Miss Pip in Laos on Equality & Raising Daughters

World Mom Feature: Miss Pip in Laos on Equality & Raising Daughters

Today we’re sharing a post from a World Mom living in Laos! If you’re interested in telling your motherhood story on World Moms Blog, email us at contribute2@worldmomsblog.com!

This first “World Mom Feature” is by Miss Pip of Laos

Just like mum

“Equal to None”

A concerned citizen, upon realizing we had three daughters, recently offered to take my partner ‘upcountry’ to the village to meet the local witch doctor. Apparently, this particular Shaman was able to supply an herbal concoction that would guarantee us a son.

(For the record, we are not having any more children. We are very happy with the ones we already have.)

I am fascinated by how often people feel compelled to tell me that my family is incomplete because I don’t have a son. They remind me that, despite over 100 year of feminism, my three children and I are still considered “LESS THAN” because we were born without a Y-chromosome.

Becoming a mother has enriched my life. I love my daughters, unconditionally. I treasure the opportunity to guide them towards adulthood. Nonetheless, becoming a mother has been a struggle. I have had to fight some very personal demons and have been rather lost and confused along the way. Fundamentally, I have had to redefine myself within the context of being a “Woman”.

Until I had children, I naively defined myself as a “Human” first and a “Woman” second. I studied Feminist Theory at University, but I kind of blew off any notion that MY life was influenced by the patriarchy. I was a kick-ass individual, and I lived my life on equal terms with anyone else.

But becoming a mother made me realize that, in reality, I still live in a world defined by and dominated by men, and my life decisions have been profoundly influenced by that.

My partner and I have been together for 15 years. We got our first jobs together, moved in together, paid the rent together, traveled together – as equals. I was hell-bent on our roles in the relationship being defined equally even though that meant that sometimes, after we have paid our ‘equal’ share of the bills, he still had money to go out, and I didn’t. (Interestingly, even at minimum wage he was paid more than I was!) We shared the chores equally. I NEVER ironed his clothes. I was a proud, fierce and independent woman with my own life and my own career.

But over time things started to change. My business ventures, which had sustained us adequately in early adulthood, became less profitable than his career. He was offered the opportunity to move, first interstate and then overseas. I couldn’t justify preventing his progress just because I was wanted to pursue what was, quite possibly, a pipe dream. Also, I loved him. I was proud of his success. I choose to support him, to follow him. It was my choice.

I could still work, I told myself. I was strong and resilient and very capable. But we moved a lot and, eventually, we reached the point where my income could no longer be relied upon. I was, I realized, financially dependant on my partner.

Becoming a Mother

Then, somewhere along the way, we decided to have children. We talked about it, at length. Having children did not mean ME taking on the only responsibility for caring for the kids and the household. I wanted to work. We would share the responsibilities. Equal opportunity parenting. Yep, sure, sounds like a plan, I am on board, let’s do this.

… Needless to say, that is not quite how things worked out.

My partner now works longer hours and spends more time away then he ever did before we had children. He sometimes feels overwhelmed by what he perceives to be his duty to support and provide for his family.

I now earn less money and spend more time in my house than I ever did before children. I regularly feel overwhelmed by my assumed role as the primary carer, wet-nurse, cook, cleaner, manager, taxi driver, nurse, psychologist, nutritionist, disciplinarian in our family.

My family IS the Perfect Little Patriarchy!

But wait… no it’s not perfect… I forgot… I don’t have a son!

I have three complicated, passionate, articulate, intelligent, determined, manipulative, magnificent GIRLS.

Raising Daughters

One day, my little girls are going to grow up to be WOMEN, how unfair for them and how wonderful for them. They are going to grow up to be HUMANS, what an opportunity for them.

I am their mother and, for me, it’s complicated.

• Shouldn’t I be an example to them, a strong, female role mode

• Have my choices perpetuated the status quo?

• Will they grow up with notions of ‘what women do’ that will go on to influence them as they grow into women themselves?

I am their mother and, for me, it is simple.

• I will practice compassion, identify inequality and I will teach them to do the same. I will continue to grow as a woman and a human because I owe it to them to be the best person I can be.

• I will be proud of my choices – they have given my daughters, a loving and safe home.

• I will encourage my girls to embrace their womanhood. I will teach them that with hard work and dedication they can achieve anything they set their minds to. I will show them they can be the change.

I am their mother. They are my daughters. They are ‘MORE THAN’ anything.

Miss PipThis is an original post to World Moms Blog by Miss Pip. She lives in Vientiane, Laos with her partner, their three incorrigible daughters (aged 5.5 years, 4.5 years and 16 months) and two well-traveled cats. She says that she used to be fabulous! (We say, she still is!)

Last year Miss Pip turned forty. She says, “That sucked! I had no idea who I was or what made me happy. I was ashamed of who I had become and conflicted about being a mum.  It was all very boring, very depressing and was making me, and the people who loved me, miserable.”

So she decided to change.  Miss Pip decided to let go of the past, accept her present and embrace a future where SHE IS the fabulous version of herself that she knows she can be. You can also find her on her blog, 44 and a Fourth

 Photo credits to Miss Pip. 

World Moms Blog

World Moms Blog is an award winning website which writes from over 30 countries on the topics of motherhood, culture, human rights and social good. Over 70 international contributors share their stories from around the globe, bonded by the common thread of motherhood and wanting a better world for their children. World Moms Blog was listed by Forbes Woman as one of the "Best 100 Websites for Women 2012 & 2013" and also called a "must read" by the NY Times Motherlode in 2013. Our Senior Editor in India, Purnima Ramakrishnan, was awarded the BlogHer International Activist Award in 2013.

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BRAZIL:  Pre-concepts

BRAZIL: Pre-concepts

As we approach International Peace Day (Sept. 21st), I thought I would talk about something that has a lot to do with the subject: discouraging prejudice among our children – in this case, prejudice related to gender and sexuality.

Although things have improved a lot over the past 20-30 years, Brazil is still quite a chauvinistic country. This is particularly true in the Northeast, the region we live in.

I became especially aware of this a couple of years ago when we found out our second child was going to be a girl. All of a sudden my husband became the center of not-so-funny jokes, where male friends and relatives (childless or fathers only to male children) would keep telling him things like “so now you are a provider” (of a female for their male sons) or “prepare to suffer in a few years” (i.e., when she began to date).

Those who had girls would keep quiet or say things like “wait until they get a girl”.

Other less-than-funny comments began after our daughter was born and started to interact with baby boys. Often, in such situations, when the boy touches her in some way (even if accidentally!) the father will say something like, “see, he’s already a girl catcher”.

Another example: when our son (now eight) was a baby, an acquaintance, who visited us shortly after he was born, went as far as lowering his diaper to check out the size of his penis. Later I realized this was far more common than I thought as I saw it happen to other baby boys.

All of this bothers both my husband and I immensely, but when we complain or comment about it, most people just shrug it off and say we are taking everything too seriously. (more…)

Ecoziva (Brazil)

Eco, from the greek oikos means home; Ziva has many meanings and roots, including Hebrew (brilliance, light), Slovenian (goddess of life) and Sanskrit (blessing). In Brazil, where EcoZiva has lived for most of her life, giving birth is often termed “giving the light”; thus, she thought, a mother is “home to light” during the nine months of pregnancy, and so the penname EcoZiva came to be for World Moms Blog. Born in the USA in a multi-ethnic extended family, EcoZiva is married and the mother of two boys (aged 12 and three) and a five-year-old girl and a three yearboy. She is trained as a biologist and presently an university researcher/professor, but also a volunteer at the local environmental movement.

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NEW YORK, USA: Boys Will Be Boys

When I was expecting my son, my husband and I decided that we would not find out if we were having a boy or girl. We had undergone fertility treatments and there was not much of a surprise about the pregnancy itself, so we decided to save the big reveal for the delivery room.

I didn’t have any preconceived notions about whether I wanted a son or a daughter. After all of the years I spent trying to get pregnant, I truly did not care what sex the child was, I felt truly blessed to finally have the chance to be a mother.

Female friendships have always come easily to me — I have one sister who is truly my best friend, a very close relationship with my mom and lots of really wonderful girlfriends. I have never had many friendships with guys.

Growing up, we lived in a neighborhood with lots of girls and very few boys around the same age — in fact, all of the neighborhood girls played “house” nearly every day one summer, and the only neighborhood boy was invariably cast in the roll of “Scruffy” the dog! Now fast forward to me, parenting a three year old boy!

Chase is the first (and currently only) boy on my side of the family. When he was born my mom, sister and I didn’t really know what to expect, and sometimes, we still don’t. (more…)

Allison Charleston (USA)

Allison is a 35-year-old attorney-turned stay at home mom. This New York City mom lives on the Upper East Side of Manhattan with her 2-year-old son, Chase, and her husband, Andy. She is also expecting baby #2! In her former life, she was an attorney practicing in a mega firm on NYC’s Park Avenue, putting in long hours, working hard and reveling in the fast pace of her life. She loved living in “the city”, and when she could, she took advantage of all it had to offer. But, when Chase was born over 2 years ago, that all changed. These days, the work has changed from writing legal briefs to changing diapers and the hours are longer, but she wouldn’t have it any other way! Allison is enjoying her adventures as a metropolitan mommy, raising Chase in New York City and has gained strength from her longer-than-she-wanted-to-wait journey getting pregnant with her second child.

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Saturday Sidebar: What’s in a name?

This week’s Saturday Sidebar question is brought to us by World Moms Blog writer, Maggie Ellison.  She asked…

How, or why, did you choose your child(ren)’s name(s)?

Read on to see how some of our World Moms came up with names for their child(ren).

Kirsten Doyle of Ontario, Canada writes:
“Both boys were named after their grandfathers, and their middle names were chosen for other family members. My older son’s name honours my father-in-law and my brother. And my younger son was named after my Dad and my husband’s grandmother.” (more…)

World Moms Blog

World Moms Blog is an award winning website which writes from over 30 countries on the topics of motherhood, culture, human rights and social good. Over 70 international contributors share their stories from around the globe, bonded by the common thread of motherhood and wanting a better world for their children. World Moms Blog was listed by Forbes Woman as one of the "Best 100 Websites for Women 2012 & 2013" and also called a "must read" by the NY Times Motherlode in 2013. Our Senior Editor in India, Purnima Ramakrishnan, was awarded the BlogHer International Activist Award in 2013.

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