Kids need to learn how to deal with disappointment
I’ve heard this said time and time again, especially when my teenagers were younger. Most of the time, it was meant as general advice towards today’s generation of spoiled children but the advice has been directed towards me as well. I admit, I’ve been the kind of mom who wants to make life easier for her kids than my own has been. Why wouldn’t I?
Life isn’t void of disappointment. Overcoming set-backs is an important skill kids need to acquire. By solving their problems and contriving compensations, we take away learning opportunities. Personally, I thank my engineering diploma for my drive to overcome adversity and ability to fend for myself. Still, I find it difficult to accept distress in my own kids’ lives if I have the ability to avert it.
Making up for Loss
In the first months of COVID-19, counterbalancing disappointment seemed to be the go-to for many parents. Your birthday party was cancelled (again) due to COVID? OK, we’ll have to postpone it but we’ll treat you with an elaborate in-house birthday brunch ànd an extra present!
It’s an almost instinctive way to guide our kids through difficult times: compensate distress with fun and focus on the positive .
COVID provided our kids with plenty of learning opportunities. No matter how hard we tried, we couldn’t even begin to counterbalance it all. For me, that wasn’t a bad thing. I was forced to give up control and we learned not to take luxuries for granted.
From Disappointment to Apathy
In the second year of COVID however, I witnessed my kids’ improved ability to cope with disappointment gradually begin to evolve towards a sense of resignation, indifference and even apathy. Anticipating disappointment has become their default. We didn’t experience any COVID losses. We have been grateful for our jobs, our home office, our garden retreat, our health. I’ve always been aware of our many privileges, and COVID strongly enhanced that awareness. We really didn’t have any grounds for complaining. Still, my kids’ atypical apathy saddened me, deeply.
Shrugging off Conflict
When the conflict in Ukraine escalated, however, they weren’t even upset. They shrugged in the same way they shrugged when I announced a family holiday to Germany. In their acquired mood of apprehension, a close-by war was more readily accepted than the prospect of having a hamburger in Hamburg – the latter, one of their long-time bucket list items nonetheless.
Going on a holiday while another European country was at war, felt like betrayal. Cancelling the trip would mean betrayal on another level, to my kids. So it all happened. Russia invaded Ukraine. We enjoyed our Hamburg hamburger. Geographically, we had travelled closer to the war. Mentally, we couldn’t have been farther away.
It felt uncomfortably surreal. It was exactly what they had needed.
Shedding Indifference
On the way home, we were able to discuss both world politics and the history of Bremen and its legendary town musicians. The kids’ even ventured to propose ideas for our next trip – Vienna or Venice? As we were getting closer to our home town, they quietly talked about how the Ukrainian refugeesl, who had partly been travelling the same way we did, might fee. Some of them would even be staying in our town but had no prospects of returning home soon. When my teens started to plan what they could do to make the refugees feel welcome and cared for, I felt proud. But most of all, I was relieved.
They finally were shedding their indifference; learning to let go of apathy.
Do you recognize this increased sense of indifference in your children or yourself? How is your family coping with the surreal sequence of world events?
This is an original post to World Moms Network from our contributor in Belgium, Katinka. The featured image used in this post is attributed to Khashayar Kouchpeydeh from the site Unsplash.
If you ask her about her daytime job, Katinka will tell you all about the challenge of studying the fate of radioactive substances in the deep subsurface. Her most demanding and rewarding job however is raising four kids together with five other parents, each with their own quirks, wishes and (dis)abilities. As parenting and especially co-parenting involves a lot of letting go, she finds herself singing the theme song to Frozen over and over again, even when the kids are not even there...
This is the second installment in our multi-post series about real people of Ukraine as observed by our contriutor, Loren Braunohler. Loren is a former US diplomat who, until recently, was posted with her family in Kyiv, Ukraine.You can read the first installment here.
Ksenia and Alex
These are my friends Ksenia and Alex. They are real people of Ukraine. We met in a café near my youngest child’s preschool. It was Ksenia’s birthday that day and they were getting ready to travel to Greece to celebrate. We shared an immediate bond over our love of travel and reminisced about our adventures. They were warm and kind and you could tell that their love for one another was deep and strong.
Friendship
We continued to stay in touch. Ksenia told me about all of the best kept secret spots in Kyiv and we were making plans to have an outdoor BBQ together when the weather warmed up, so that they could meet the kids and get to know my family better.
Ksenia is a dancer, Alex boxes. Together they have a beautiful life.
Before the Invasion
Ksenia and I keep in touch on social media nearly every day. She was buying beautiful spring flowers the day before the invasion took place. She and Alex were cool and composed in the face of an imminent attack; their bravery and heroism in line with what Ukrainians are showing across the country.
Since the Invasion
Earlier this week, Ksenia told me that she is sheltering with Alex’s grandmother in eastern Ukraine. Alex is fighting in a volunteer battalion. I cannot begin to imagine what their goodbye must have looked or felt like.
I’ve asked how we, as individuals, best can help. She said:
“there are a lot of people ready to stand in defense of our country, but not enough armor, helmets, walkie-talkies, knee pads, and other equipment.”
Ksenia doesn’t want to leave Ukraine because she wants to stay close to Alex and she wants to help obtain as much equipment for the volunteer battalions as she can. She says,
“We do feel support from all over the world and people all over, I’m simply unable to express how grateful we are, I can’t write without tears in my eyes.”
Stay strong and safe Ksenia and Alex. The world is on your side. We’ll have that BBQ one day.
Girl Scouts Troop 41501
These are Kyiv Junior Girl Scouts Troop 41501. They also are real people of Ukraine. My daughter had been begging me to lead a Girl Scouts Troop for years. I finally acquiesced. What a blessing it was for me. These strong, brave girls taught me so much; arguably more than I taught them.
Together
We learned how to build fires, roast S’mores, take hikes and to navigate using compasses. We studied endangered animals, made hedgehog houses, learned about energy sources and how to be more energy efficient in our everyday lives. We made furniture from recycled material, knotted fleece tie blankets and created Christmas cards for orphanages during the holidays. We did all of this and so much more. There was so much curiousity, creativity, and laughter. We still had so many projects left to do and places to explore together. These were my daughter’s friends. These were my girls.
Apart
Two of these bright, vivacious young ladies, Katya and Lisa, are sheltering in Ukraine. Both have managed to leave Kyiv and are safe; for now. One mom says:
“Katya is really missing life before the war and meetings with her Girl Scouts Troop.”
Lisa spent a few nights in a bomb shelter and then made her way to western Ukraine, where it is safer; for now. Her father is helping to evacuate Ukrainians from the east and Kyiv to locations further west.
Please think of these girls and their families today and send them strength and courage.
#StandWithUkraine #usagso #girlscoutstrong
This is not an original post for World Moms Network from our contributor, who was formerly in Ukraine, Loren Braunohler. These posts originally appeared on Loren’s Facebook feed but are modified and reprinted here with the author’s permission. The images used in this post are attributed to the author.
Loren Braunohler is a former U.S. diplomat turned stay-at-home mom and freelance writer. She is a world traveler who avoids the cold (don't ask why she is currently in Poland). Former assignments have included Mozambique, Venezuela, Australia, Sudan, Thailand and Washington, D.C. She enjoys running, although she probably enjoys sleeping even more. Loren blogs about her family's international adventures and parenting at www.toddlejoy.com.
I have no words, and also a thousand words. I am profoundly sad and helplessly angry at the same time. What is happening in Ukraine feels surreal, yet it is horrifyingly, heartbreakingly real. It’s taken me days to get words down because nothing that I write could possibly encompass and explain the horror of what’s happening on the ground or adequately express how I feel. I humbly try now because the Ukrainians deserve our attention.
Don’t look away
Don’t choose to ignore
It’s hard to watch. But watch. Don’t go on with your life as if nothing is happening. Acknowledge what is happening. Don’t gloss over the egregiousness of Russia’s actions if your children ask you what’s happening. Talk to them about it. Tell them why it is egregious.
This could easily be you,
or me,
or us,
had we been born into different circumstances.
These people–these brave, resilient, courageous people, that I have lived with side by side for the last year and a half–they are truly the most remarkable human beings in the face of adversity. What they feel for their country is an intense pride, an unparalleled sense of duty and service, a ferocious nationalism, and ownership of their fate and the future of Ukraine.
They will not give up!
They will not back down. Women will fight. Older men will fight. Young couples will say goodbye to one another so that young men can fight. Everyone will do their part. And there will be no complaining. Only a sense of duty and love for their country, and a need to do what is necessary to try and preserve the life they knew and had only one week ago, and for the last 30 years. I’m sure you’ve see the heroic stories from regular individuals on the street. This is how it goes. These are Ukrainians. My heart is shattered in a million pieces for these people, and their country.
Life Stories
My family and I were posted to Kyiv, Ukraine in August 2020 and evacuated in January 2022. As I try to figure out how best to process what is happening, I thought I’d share life stories on social media of some of our Ukrainian friends before the war– families of some of my girl scouts, a guitar teacher, a gardener, preschool friends, a 71-year old housekeeper and more. All of these people are still on the ground in Ukraine.
This is Sergeii. He helped us garden in the summer months and shovel in the winter. Sergeii is kind and gentle, fair and honest. He doesn’t have a family of his own but he loves children and is incredibly patient. You would never catch Sergeii having a bad day; he always had a smile on his face. This is a little video clip of Sergeii teaching my youngest son how to put down grass seed and take care of our yard. I have spoken to Sergeii three times within the week of the Russian invasion. He has chosen to fight and has been issued a gun. Please pray for his safety and the safety of all Ukrainians. Pray for the future of the Ukrainian nation.
This is not an original post to World Moms Network by our contributor, formerly in the Ukraine, Loren Braunohler. This post first appeared in Loren’s Facebook feed but was modified for WMN with the author’s consent. Images appearing in this post are attributed to the author.
Loren Braunohler is a former U.S. diplomat turned stay-at-home mom and freelance writer. She is a world traveler who avoids the cold (don't ask why she is currently in Poland). Former assignments have included Mozambique, Venezuela, Australia, Sudan, Thailand and Washington, D.C. She enjoys running, although she probably enjoys sleeping even more. Loren blogs about her family's international adventures and parenting at www.toddlejoy.com.
Today, we have a special guest post by a Ukranian mother living in the United States, Olena Centeno, of Bilingual Kids Rock. Olena opens the window and lends us her personal perspective to the current events in Ukraine…
Protest in Kiev, November 2013
What’s it like growing up in Ukraine?
As a Ukrainian, I grew up speaking two languages: Russian and Ukrainian. I ate Ukrainian borsht for lunch and Russian pelmeni for dinner. I love Tchaikovsky’s Sleeping Beauty and Carols of the Bells by Leontovych. I am raising my own children trilingual in English, Russian and Ukrainian. In fact, the two cultures (Russian and Ukranian) are considered so close, that if an Ukrainian abroad says s/he is from Ukraine people often say “Oh, so you are from Russia?”
What’s going on between Russia and Ukraine?
With Russian troops moving across the sea into Ukraine’s Crimean peninsula, a lot of Westerners are starting to ask this question.
The current conflict in Ukraine is more than three months old. It began with a peaceful demonstration on November 21 at Independence Square (Maidan) in Kiev, the capital of Ukraine, when the (now ousted) Ukrainian president (Yanukovich) hesitated to sign an Association Agreement with the EU. This had been one of his major election promises and in breaking it he ignored the desire of millions of Ukrainians.
During the past three months, the “EuroMaidan” demonstration has grown into a much bigger movement. It started as a response to the failed EU deal but then truly turned into a movement against the corrupt government of president Yanukovich, who moved to keep Ukraine in long-lasting and very painful economical ties with Russia.
Then, after the government passed harsh, anti-assembly laws, it became about the basic human right to be able speak and think freely without being punished for it.
More than a hundred lives were lost and thousands injured during violent attempts to remove the demonstrators but people did not leave the cold streets of Kiev. More freedom fighters came from all over Ukraine to support them. Many other Ukrainian cities stood up as well. After three months of struggle, Mr. Yanukovich was impeached and left Ukraine (he refused to sign a resignation; he just ran away). His presidency was considered illegitimate and a new, temporary government was elected.
As Ukrainians were mourning over lives lost and looking into the future with great hope to build their country on principles of trust and freedom, a new enemy emerged: Informational War.
Along with Russia, Eastern Ukraine—where the majority is Russian speaking—is dominated by Russian-language news from the Russian media. Unfortunately, the Russian media coverage of events that have happened over the past three months is falsified [and full of propaganda].
Now, after the armed occupation of Ukrainian territory in Crimea by Russian troops, the reason for their untruthful reporting is understood: Creating social opinion in Russia and Russian-speaking Ukraine justifies military intervention into Ukrainian territories.
Personally, I think Mr. Putin has an imperialistic plan to be the most powerful ruler in modern history—politically and financially—and he will stop at nothing to add Ukraine to his control.
Russian Media Propaganda Uncovered
The following are all lies that have been spread by the Russian media leading up to the invasion of Ukraine by Russian troops:
1. FALSE: Kiev was Overrun by Violent Riots
Despite violent clashes, most of Kiev stayed peaceful throughout the demonstrations. The day-to-day lives of residents were largely unaffected outside of Independence Square and the areas immediately surrounding it. Very little of Kiev or the surrounding countryside was damaged or disturbed by the protests.
I know this because I called my family and friends every day. My nephews were going to school as usual, most of the people attended work on a daily basis, and all shopping malls and grocery stores were working (except for a few in the middle of the protest areas downtown).
2. FALSE: Anti-Russia Fascists Led the Ukrainian Protests
The vast majority of protesters were ordinary citizens tired of a government that they viewed as corrupt and unwilling to listen to the people. There were no fascist elements leading the demonstrations, and there are none leading the new government.
Many of the people I know personally were in Maidan: teachers, IT professionals, doctors, stay-at-home moms, businessmen, university professors, hair stylists and many others. People I worked with and went to school with. And no one will ever convince me that they are fascists. My daughter’s god-father is a surgeon and worked days and nights protecting the health and saving the lives of many.
3. FALSE: The New Government Will Force All Ukrainians to Speak Ukrainian
This is a particularly effective myth for Russian-language media, since it appeals directly to the people who would be most affected. Language has long been a contentious issue in Ukraine. Claims that Russian will be abolished are being used to generate anger against the new government.
The Ukrainian parliament voted to repeal a 2012 law allowing the establishment of minority languages as official state languages in individual provinces on February 23, 2014 but acting President Oleksandr Turchynov vetoed the move. Russian is currently recognized as an official language, is legal for state use in several Ukrainian provinces, and is guaranteed state protection “in all spheres of public life” in Crimea specifically.
I speak Russian and Ukrainian to my children here in the USA. I see language first and foremost as a tool for communication — and shame on any politicians who use it as a reason for war.
4. FALSE: Ukrainian Demonstrators Have Been Attacking Russians or Russian-Speakers
Another unproven and untrue claim widely circulated in Russian-language media is that the Euromaidan protesters were deliberately attacking Russian speakers.
The cruel result is that ordinary Russians – good, wholehearted, educated people – are now eager to help a Ukraine that they think is swamped by fascists! I have family in eastern Ukraine and my god-mother lives in Moscow. They have called multiple times, scared for the lives of my parents in Kiev. They really think Ukraine is in danger.
There is no evidence to support the claim, and nearly all cases of violence during the protest were perpetrated against civilians by security forces. The Euromaidan protests had very little to do with cultural or language issues in general.
While Yanukovych’s perceived obedience to the Russian government was certainly a source of anger in Ukraine, this anger was directed at the President and the actions of the Russian and Ukrainian governments, not to the Russian people or culture.
5. FALSE: The Berkut and Other Security Forces Fought in Self-Defense
Russian news broadcasts have shown extensive footage of the Berkut and other riot police under attack but nearly none of their attacks on civilians. The reality is that security forces attempted to crush peaceful protests with deadly force, and were barely driven back with improvised weapons like clubs and Molotov cocktails. The superior force and aggression were always on the side of the Berkut.
6. FALSE: The Independence Square/Euromaidan Protests Were Organized by Americans
We joke that EuroMaidan is now supported by Americans because my American husband and I made donations to help supply people with warm clothing and blankets during cold winter months.
I am not claiming that on a political level there is no lobbying of interests from outside countries and unions but once again: the politics of the country and the people of the country are two different things.
The vast majority of protesters were native Ukrainians and ordinary residents of Kiev and the surrounding country.
7. FALSE: Fascism Will Spread from Ukraine to Russia
This is another falsehood dependent on the idea that the Euromaidan demonstrators were fascist extremists. It is being used as a justification for Russian invasion. The Russian government claims it is defending Russian-speakers in Ukraine and its own borders from Ukrainian fascists but in reality those fascists do not exist.
What is next?
The military intervention is not over. It is hard to say what is going to happen next. There is a lot of talk going on at a very high, political level involving the EU and the US.
But Ukrainians have already had the biggest win in this struggle: themselves.
They proved to themselves that they care:
They care about all of our people (amazing examples of collaboration happened during the civil unrest!);
they care about the future of their country;
they care about their freedom;
they care enough to recognize the differences among themselves and to stay united anyway.
The revolution was heartbreaking and tearful but as a result, Ukrainians became true patriotic citizens of their country:
Glory to Ukraine, Glory to Heroes!
слава Україні, слава героїв
(slava Ukrayini, slava heroyiv)
For me, personally, it has been a life lesson in how to raise my own children. I have a clear goal to raise multicultural and multilingual children, who respect other languages and cultures and can see our shared humanity no matter how politicians try to divide us.
This is an original guest post to World Moms Blog by Olena Centeno.
Olena Centeno is a Ukrainian who lives in USA, a happy mom of three wonderful kids ages 2-9 and a wife to the great. She speaks three languages herself and is raising her kids to be multilingual in English, Russian, Ukrainian and Spanish. She founded Bilingual Kids Rock, where she helps families on their bilingual journey. She also enjoys photography and video making as a way to preserve precious moments of life.
World Moms Blog is an award winning website which writes from over 30 countries on the topics of motherhood, culture, human rights and social good. Over 70 international contributors share their stories from around the globe, bonded by the common thread of motherhood and wanting a better world for their children.
World Moms Blog was listed by Forbes Woman as one of the "Best 100 Websites for Women 2012 & 2013" and also called a "must read" by the NY Times Motherlode in 2013. Our Senior Editor in India, Purnima Ramakrishnan, was awarded the BlogHer International Activist Award in 2013.
Olena Centeno is a Ukrainian who lives in USA, a happy mom of three wonderful kids ages 2-9 and a wife to the great. She speaks three languages herself and is raising her kids to be multilingual in English, Russian, Ukrainian and Spanish. She founded Bilingual Kids Rock, where she helps families on their bilingual journey. She also enjoys photography and video making as a way to preserve precious moments of life.
