by Susie Newday (Israel) | Nov 20, 2013 | 2013, Cancer, Health, Israel, Susie Newday, World Motherhood
Neta sat down with World Mom contributor, Susie Newday in Israel to talk about living her life with metastatic breast cancer.
This is part three of our contributor and cancer nurse, Susie Newday’s, moving and in-depth interview on breast cancer with her close friend. Grab a cup of something warm, and come be a fly on the wall with us, as two friends discuss living with metastatic breast cancer. There is something for us all to learn. (Click to catch up and read Part I and Part II.)
Susie: Your diagnosis changed your life. How did it change your life in practical terms?
Neta: When I was first diagnosed, it almost didn’t change my life at all. I had very few side effects from the treatment, and I continued to work. It was a total of nine months with surgery in the middle of those months. I had chemo, surgery and radiation. I started the treatments from a place of strength. I think that, strengthwise, I’m a strong person. I was almost never sick. I had a body image of a healthy, strong person.
I was always athletic and strong. I never felt weak. And suddenly you change from the healthiest person in your mind to the sickest person, who is getting chemo that weakens you. And you get shots and blood and everything else that’s involved. I continued to work during that whole period.
The principal in my school said to me that she had never seen anything like this, someone going through such strong chemo who continues to function like this.
I would miss work for the day of treatment and the day after, and then I would work the next two weeks until the next treatment. Also during the six weeks of radiation, I would do it after work in the afternoon. The work kept me going. I would be very tired in the evening, but I continued to function more or less like normal. I worked a few less hours at work and managed to keep the house running more or less like normal. I did go to bed very early about 8 pm.
The only trauma was the hair loss. The kids took it very hard. They were very embarrassed for me to go around bald. All the kids, even the young ones, wanted me to wear some type of head covering. I had a wig.
I went to work with a wig, and whoever didn’t know about the cancer, didn’t realize. I was diagnosed over summer vacation, and I came back to work in September with a wig already. I didn’t hide it, but it took some people time to find out.
So, during the first bout of cancer I had a lot of energy, and I was lucky to have very few side effects.
S: Did you have nausea during your pregnancies? There seems to be a correlation between people who have nausea during pregnancy and nausea during chemo.
N: No I didn’t, and my doctor also said there is a correlation. I had very little nausea, if at all. As far as other side effects, I hated wearing the wig. It really itched me and was uncomfortable. The minute I was able to, I took it off and wore a head scarf.
S: Your trauma about the hair loss was because your kids took it hard, or was it something you yourself took hard?
N: It was also because of the kids and also because you don’t want anyone to know you are sick. I didn’t like the way I looked when I looked in the mirror, but I understood that it was something temporary, that it would grow back.
It was very hard for the kids. They didn’t want their friends to see me without a head covering. At home I didn’t wear a wig only a head scarf.
I only wore the wig to work and to special events. I think if it wasn’t for the kids asking me not to go without a head covering, I probably would have gone without anything.
S: When the cancer came back, how did you feel?
N: It was very hard. When it came back there were already metastases all over my bones. I had really bad back pain. I received radiation to my neck, but it didn’t help right away. It took time. In the beginning I had to wear a neck brace; initially, only for car rides; but then I had to wear it all the time. I was in terrible pain. For a few months I spent almost all day in bed, I couldn’t move. I could barely get up to go to the bathroom. It took a long time until I found the right pain medication regimen. So yes, things were different. I was in bed and everyone came to me.
S: How did you cope with such bad pain?
N: I remember I was in shock from the pain. I don’t know if I’m someone who doesn’t do the self-pity thing, but I do pity myself sometimes. The pain was so bad sometimes that I physically couldn’t do things, but I don’t remember having a feeling of being depressed.
Once again I summoned the energy. I had no choice. In my way of thinking, I had no choice. I have four children, and I can’t give up or take a time out from this world.
S: You did and do have a choice. You choose.
N: In my mindset, I have no choice. I have to cope, and I have for what to cope. I had to be strong because I have children and they need me, so I cope. My choice is to be here.
S: There is a lot of strength in knowing that you choose and that you are in the driver’s seat.
N: Even if it is a choice, it’s an automatic choice for me. I don’t stop to think, what am I going to do now?
S: That’s your mindset because your family and your kids are important to you.
N: I know that when some mothers are sick, thinking about the children and what will be with them can be depressing. For me, thinking about my children gives me a lot of strength because I want to be there for them. I want them to see that I can cope and that I can be there with them. Even when I was in bed all the time, the kids came to lay in bed next to me, and I read them books.
The kids are very important to me and they give me a lot of strength. They are what gives me the most strength. I love a lot of people in this world, friends and parents and family, but no one comes close to my kids in regards to their meaning in my life, in regards to my love for them, in regards to my commitment to them. The kids are just different. I choose to be there for them because I want what is best for them.
Because they give me so much strength, even when I was stuck lying in bed and not moving, I didn’t sink into a depression. I knew I had to fight. Maybe I am just a doing, practical type of person. I say to myself, this is what I have to do now, and these are my priorities and that’s what I do. I do think about things. I do understand the significance. I choose my priorities and what’s most important, what’s worth fighting for and what I will invest my energy in. What’s less important will wait.
That’s something that has guided me this whole period. The strength is finding the things that give you strength, to understand what they are, to stick with them. If for me what’s important is that my children have a normal childhood without major traumas (as much as I am able to control), if that’s what’s close to my heart, I will fight for it. If it means that in order for that to happen that I have to do something like asking for help even if asking for help is not easy for me, I will do it.
I remember in the beginning how hard it was for me to ask for help. You find yourself in a place of weakness and no one wants to feel weak, and pathetic and in need of help. It’s a lot easier to be the one giving help. Once upon a time I didn’t understand how hard it is to ask for and receive help. Healthy people generally don’t ask for help. I have been helped so much that I feel like I want to give back to people what I can. If I hear someone needs something that I can help with, I try to help.
Even though receiving help is hard, when the other choice is not receiving the help and having my children hurt by that I take the help because I need my children to have the most normal life that they can. What keeps me going is trying to figure out how to create the most normal surroundings for my children. I’ve done everything I can to make things easier on my children. My community is amazing. We’ve had unbelievable generous help from our friends and community, and I’m not sure that is something that can be found everywhere. People cooked for us for months, and even now if I need help taking the kids anywhere or to run errands they help me. Now that my husband is sick as well, when he doesn’t feel well we need more help as well because all of a sudden everything falls on me.
S: Have you thought about hiring someone to help you?
N: I have thought about it. We had someone for a while but it’s not easy bringing someone else into the home. I have been trying to refrain from that. If I see that I have no choice, that’s what I’ll do.
S: Do you find that it’s taking a physical toll on you doing it all by yourself?
N: I’m tired all the time but that’s not something new. Actually when I know that I have to rise to the challenge for a few days, I surprise myself and have found the strength. I’m tired but I manage and I feel good that I was able to manage. It also keeps the stability of the dynamics in the house. I choose to function. I’m trying to keep things as normal as possible. It doesn’t do good when people are coming in and out all the time. It hurts the household routine.
If I need to bring in help I will. The kids also understand that if I bring someone in to help that means that my husband and I are not functioning anymore and it stresses them out. They ask “What? You can’t do it by yourself?”
Tune in soon for Part IV of this IV part “World Mom to World Mom” series on living with metastatic breast cancer.
Cancer can happen to everyone. Listen to your body, treat it well and educate yourself about cancer symptoms. Learn not just about breast cancer symptoms (which are varied) but also the symptoms of ovarian cancer, GI cancer, lung cancer, pancreatic cancer and all the other cancers out there. Ask your parents about your family medical history. Do the recommended screening tests that are available to you because early detection of any cancer makes a hell of a difference.
Most of all enjoy every minute of your life because there are people out there who are dying for more time.
(For the full series: click here to read Part I, click here to read Part II, click here to read Part III and click here to read Part IV.)
This is an original post by World Moms Blog Africa & Middle East Regional Editor, Susie Newday in Israel.
Photo credit to the author.
Susie Newday is a happily-married American-born Israeli mother of five. She is an oncology nurse, blogger and avid amateur photographer.
Most importantly, Susie is a happily married mother of five amazing kids from age 8-24 and soon to be a mother in law. (Which also makes her a chef, maid, tutor, chauffeur, launderer...) Susie's blog, New Day, New Lesson, is her attempt to help others and herself view the lessons life hands all of us in a positive light. She will also be the first to admit that blogging is great free therapy as well. Susie's hope for the world? Increasing kindness, tolerance and love.
You can also follow her Facebook page New Day, New Lesson where she posts her unique photos with quotes as well as gift ideas.
More Posts - Website
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by Susie Newday (Israel) | Nov 16, 2013 | 2013, Cancer, Health, Israel, Susie Newday, World Motherhood
Neta sat down with World Mom contributor, Susie Newday in Israel to talk about living her life with metastasis breast cancer.
This is part two of our contributor and cancer nurse, Susie Newday’s, moving and in depth interview on breast cancer with her close friend. Grab a cup of something warm, and come be a fly on the wall with us, as two friends discuss living with metastatic breast cancer. There is something for us all to learn. (Click to catch up and read Part I, first.)
Susie: You know what I remember? I remember before I worked in oncology, when you were diagnosed for the first time. You were waiting for your scan results to see whether there was any metastases and you said to me, “If I have metastasis, my life is over.” When you were diagnosed with the recurrence was that the same feeling you had?
Neta: Yes, that was my feeling. I said to myself, I’m screwed. With metastasis you don’t recover. You get another year or two.
S: Or maybe longer.
N: I have to say that I have a hard time believing that. I don’t really see that in the cards.
S: I wish you many more years.
N: I wish. And I thank you very much, and I hope I do. I’m not saying I want to die, I don’t. I’ll be happy to be surprised for the good but the feeling is that this is the end.
S: You walk around with the feeling everyday?
N: Now it’s less. Since I lived through the setback I had with the bleeding in my brain, and everyone told me that I’m a medical miracle, I now say to myself that maybe there are miracles out there.
I am more open to the possibility that maybe there will be a miracle here, something I refused to believe beforehand when my cancer recurred.
S: Tell me what happened with your setback and the hospitalization.
N: When I was rediagnosed, I was receiving Aredia to strengthen my bones and a biological treatment that was part of a clinical trial. I went back to work. About two or three months after that I began having severe weakness. My hemoglobin kept going down and they decided to hospitalize me. My oncologist told me that the cancer has reached my bone marrow. I was hospitalized in the regular medical ward for a week and a half until space opened up in the oncology ward and then they moved me. I received blood transfusions and chemotherapy.
A day or two after I was moved, I started having confusion, and then I couldn’t see. For about 5 days I had what seemed like a gray veil over my eyes. I don’t remember much but they told me I was really confused, and they had to appoint a legal guardian to make my medical decisions. To do that I needed an interview with the psychiatrist. He asked me a lot of questions which I don’t remember,
but I do remember that he asked me how old my children were and I couldn’t tell him. I knew their names but not their ages.
My husband brought the kids to visit me, but afterwards he told me that it was a difficult decision whether or not to bring them because I couldn’t see, and they didn’t want the kids to get scared. He had consulted with the psychologist who said to bring them because it’s better for them to see their mother even if she is confused and doesn’t see than not to see her.
It was 5 very difficult days. They ran all kinds of tests from eye tests to an MRI. I remember being very afraid before the MRI. I remember them saying it’s a very important test to see what’s going on. Inside the machine everything was rotating, and there was a horrible noise. I remember it being very traumatic, also the MRI test itself and also the fact that I knew it was a very important test, and I didn’t know what they were looking for. After the fact, I now know they were looking for metastases in the brain. They didn’t find any, it was only a brain bleed, and then they said the situation is better than they thought.
I don’t remember everything from those days. I remember people coming to visit. I recognized the people who came.
Later on, I found out that my husband already prepared the older girls a bit to expect the worse. They said psalms, and no one really thought I was going to recover because my medical state was not good. Then on the fifth day I woke up in the morning, my mother came into the room, and I was able to see her.
The doctors came, and they did tests. My eyesight came back, but slowly. Even now I can see perfectly from far but my vision from close is still impaired and interferes with reading. But at least I see the world, I see things. I don’t need help walking.
Since that incident I say to myself maybe there is some kind of miracle going on here, maybe there is some kind of divine intervention. In the hospital everyone was saying they had never seen someone recuperate like I did with their eyesight returning. Maybe it had something to do with my willpower. After my husband was diagnosed, I realized why it was that I pulled through, why I’m still here. I’m here to organize things and take care of my family. It is much harder when both parents are ill. I couldn’t “go” and leave my husband here alone to also fight his disease and raise the children because it is impossible to do. Apparently someone up above realized that I’m still needed here. That’s the answer I give myself. No one has said that to me, I just feel it. No one has answers but after my husband was diagnosed with cancer I just understood why I am still here.
S: When was your husband diagnosed?
N: January 2013. He was admitted with a bowel obstruction and then was diagnosed with Metastatic Colon Cancer. He was diagnosed about 2-3 months after my prolonged hospitalization, and I hadn’t really recuperated yet. I had slowly been getting better. I would be hospitalized for a week or so and then released and then hospitalized again for a week. It was a big shock having another person in the family sick. When he wasn’t feeling well and needed to go to the Emergency Room I still wasn’t feeling great and I couldn’t drive. His brother came and picked him up.
S: What was going through your head when your husband was diagnosed?
N: That someone up above is crazy. It’s not just that I’m sick, and now he’s sick. It’s the fact that both of us are in a situation where the doctors are not optimistic. It’s not a situation where you can say to yourself that I will definitely beat this. It could be 1, 2 or 3 years. No one has any idea how long you have for sure. I said to myself and to God, why him? * He is such a good person. For sure he hasn’t sinned. Maybe I sinned unwittingly but him? With my husband it seemed like a different level, it was like he doesn’t deserve this. He is such a good person.
S: And you deserve it?
N: No. But HE is really a good person. He’s a better person than me. He has a good heart, he doesn’t hurt people. * I just couldn’t reconcile how it was possible that he could be sick because he didn’t deserve it because he is such a good person. You start saying to yourself that God went crazy. Is there no justice in the world? Two young parents with 4 children are both now sick. Something went wrong. Either God is putting us through some great trial or I don’t know what. It’s not fair. I felt very strongly that it was just not fair that he was sick too, it was enough that I was sick.
*(I went to get some tissues at this point for her, which were easy to find because as she said there are lots of tissues in her house.)
S: I think that women and especially mothers don’t see ourselves the way other people see us. We are very generous towards other but we don’t cut ourselves any slack. I’m flabbergasted how you’re talking about how your husband doesn’t deserve this to happen to him and you do? (We both started laughing at that point)
N: He is the kind of person who if you ask directions on how to get somewhere, even if it’s out-of-the-way he will take you there. I would try to explain, I would not take anyone all the way there.
S: What good things do you see in yourself, what things do you do that are good and that are unique to you?
N: I have more sensitivity to people. My husband doesn’t see certain things that I’m more intuitive about, also in life and also in work. Part of my job was to be sensitive to kids. I have more sensitivity to my surroundings which my husband might sometimes miss because he just doesn’t see it. I can be a good friend. As far as the kids, I’m more involved, I am with them more. I never said I don’t do good things. My husband is just good.
S: Were you always as involved with your kids or is it more since you have been sick?
N: It was always very important for me to be a mother, to be with the kids. The thing that stressed me out the most when I got sick was the kids, what’s going to be with the kids. I still struggle with that. I was always with them. After my births I took extended maternity leave. I saw motherhood as a very important role. I always had that, it’s not something that started now.
(For the full series: click here to read Part I, click here to read Part II, click here to read Part III and click here to read Part IV.)
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by our Africa and Middle East Editor, Susie Newday, in Israel.
Photo credit to the author.
Susie Newday is a happily-married American-born Israeli mother of five. She is an oncology nurse, blogger and avid amateur photographer.
Most importantly, Susie is a happily married mother of five amazing kids from age 8-24 and soon to be a mother in law. (Which also makes her a chef, maid, tutor, chauffeur, launderer...) Susie's blog, New Day, New Lesson, is her attempt to help others and herself view the lessons life hands all of us in a positive light. She will also be the first to admit that blogging is great free therapy as well. Susie's hope for the world? Increasing kindness, tolerance and love.
You can also follow her Facebook page New Day, New Lesson where she posts her unique photos with quotes as well as gift ideas.
More Posts - Website
Follow Me:
by Susie Newday (Israel) | Oct 31, 2013 | Body Image, Cancer, Death and Dying, Family, Interviews, Israel, Susie Newday, World Motherhood
Neta sat down with World Mom contributor, Susie Newday in Israel to talk about living her life with metastatic breast cancer.
As a nurse working in outpatient oncology, cancer is something I’m surrounded by. As time goes by, I’ve unwillingly learned to live with the fact that it seems like cancer is taking over the world and affecting more and more young people. (I stink at statistics so I don’t have any hard facts to back that feeling but I seem to be seeing way too many young people undergoing chemo.) Yet even with the walls we build to protect ourselves from the hurt at the loss of each patient we have come to know, every nurse has a soft spot for certain patients. For me, it’s young mothers with cancer. I don’t know why. It just is. When the young mother being treated for breast cancer also happens to be your friend it’s even more heartbreaking.
Today is the last day of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I thought that a personal story of someone living with Stage 4 Breast Cancer would do more to help raise awareness than just stating the facts and figures. By putting a name and a face to a disease we make it more personal. My friend graciously agreed to be interviewed in the hope that her story would help someone else.
Neta Eshel, is a 42-year-old mother of 4 children ages 6 1/2, 9, 13 1/2 and 17. She was diagnosed in July 2009 with Stage 3 Infiltrating (Invasive) Lobular Carcinoma. As far as she knew, there was no family history of breast cancer. She was treated with aggressive chemo, had a double mastectomy, radiation and more chemo. In September of 2011 her cancer came back. She has Stage 4 Breast Cancer with metastases to her bones.
Towards the end of 2012, Neta was hospitalized for a prolonged period of time due to a low platelet count. During that hospitalization, she woke up one morning and couldn’t see. After running a battery of tests she was told she had bleeding in her brain. She was confused and disoriented and her family braced themselves for the worse. Then, as if by a miracle, her sight returned, and she improved.
A few months later, before she even had time to catch her breath Neta’s husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer. As you can imagine it, that was devastating news. Their individual and combined strength in coping has been and continues to be an inspiration for their family, their community and their many friends.
Susie: Did you have any symptoms?
Neta: I felt a lump in the shower, and I went to get checked.
S: Do you have a family history of cancer?
N: Not in my or my parents’ generation. I didn’t know about it until after I was diagnosed but there was a history of cancer in my grandparents’ generation. That’s why there was no awareness. My father’s father had pancreatic cancer, one of his sisters had breast cancer and the other sister had ovarian cancer. There was also another brother who died of cancer. I’m not sure what type. Both of my grandfather’s sisters passed away when I was young, so I didn’t really know them. On my mother’s side there is no history of cancer.
S: After you felt the lump what did you do?
N: I went to my family physician who sent me right away to the breast surgeon*. The surgeon told me to go immediately to the hospital. (*note: Here in Israel it is the breast surgeon who does breast screening.)
S: How long did it take from the time you felt the lump until you were diagnosed.
N: No time at all. Maybe four days.
S: What did they do when you got to the hospital?
N: First they did a mammogram. They then sent me immediately for an ultrasound. After the ultrasound I had gotten dressed, and I stood up, and the doctor who performed the ultrasound told me straight out “you have breast cancer”. I was at a loss for words. I stammered… How? Why? What connection does cancer have to me? I was in shock. I asked her “How do you know?” She said she knows according to the way it looks on the ultrasound. She said it’s not 100% certain, we still have to do a biopsy but she was pretty sure that’s what it was.
S: You were alone?
N: I was with my husband. I understood it was something serious the way everyone kept sending me quickly from one test to the other, but I didn’t really understand.
S: Aside from the shock, how did you feel about the way she gave you the news?
N: I don’t think it would have been any better to wait anxiously for two weeks until the biopsy results came back. I would have been very stressed out from the wait. I wanted to know the truth, I was just in shock because the whole process was very quick. I suddenly went from being the healthiest person to be the sickest person. I didn’t need someone to beautify the reality for me, the reality was the reality. The bottom line was, I didn’t need the stress.
S: What thoughts and feelings were going through your head at that moment when you got the news?
N: I remember the shock. I remember thinking I am the healthiest person, how am I going to be sick now? I also thought about the kids and what’s going to be with them. I had no idea what to expect, no awareness about what treatment meant. I didn’t really understand the implications at that moment. Afterwords when I started to process it there was a lot of crying and anger and sadness.
S: How long did the processing process take?
N: I don’t remember how long each stage took. I do remember there being a lot of anger. Anger at God. Why me? What have I done? Why do I deserve this?
After you start to process you realize that the anger doesn’t give you anything so you move to acceptance. You summon energy for a war. From the beginning I said I’m going to fight this, I’m going to win. I don’t remember being depressed. I was very into “doing”. I’m going to fight. I’m going to understand this and what it means. I don’t remember any great depression. It was obvious to me that I would fight and it will be ok.
A few months after I finished treatment, in the summer, we went on an overseas family trip, and my energy returned. I then said that I need a little luck that the cancer won’t return.
S: When did the cancer return and how?
N: It started with back pain. Two years ago, in September of 2011, my back went out on the day of the first day of school. I worked as a high school guidance counselor. The back pain went on for a few months. I right away thought about cancer but I was afraid to get it checked out by my oncologist. I first went to get checked by an orthopedist. I did a bone scan and then was treated by a chiropractor for two months. It took about two or three months before it was diagnosed as a recurrence of the cancer. It was unbelievable pain. The pain came and went until it stayed.
S: What was different when you were diagnosed the second time? Was it the same shock?
N: The second time it was much harder because I understood that if it has returned, the situation is much worse. I always had the fear that the cancer would return. I hadn’t deluded myself that it couldn’t. I knew there was a possibility of it returning. It was much harder because I understood that if it has returned there is metastasis and I’m most probably not going to get rid of it. I understood what it meant and that’s why I was also afraid to get diagnosed and didn’t run immediately to my oncologist. I thought maybe my back just went out. People said to me, at one point or another back pain happens to everyone around the age 40. The shock was greater when the cancer returned because I understood that it’s not going anywhere and I can’t “get over it”.
***This post was truncated because it originally also included Part II.**
Tune in soon for the next part of a World Mom to World Mom 4 part series on living with metastasis breast cancer. The informative, yet moving, interview with Neta continues…
Cancer can happen to everyone. Listen to your body, treat it well and educate yourself about cancer symptoms. Learn not just about breast cancer symptoms (which are varied) but also the symptoms of ovarian cancer, GI cancer, lung cancer, pancreatic cancer and all the other cancers out there. Ask your parents about your family medical history. Do the recommended screening tests that are available to you because early detection of any cancer makes a hell of a difference.
Most of all enjoy every minute of your life because there are people out there who are dying for more time.
Do you have an experience of someone living with metastasis breast cancer in your corner of the world?
(For the full series: click here to read Part I, click here to read Part II, click here to read Part III and click here to read Part IV.)
Click here to read Part IV of the interview.
Photo credit to Susie Newday.
Susie Newday is a happily-married American-born Israeli mother of five. She is an oncology nurse, blogger and avid amateur photographer.
Most importantly, Susie is a happily married mother of five amazing kids from age 8-24 and soon to be a mother in law. (Which also makes her a chef, maid, tutor, chauffeur, launderer...) Susie's blog, New Day, New Lesson, is her attempt to help others and herself view the lessons life hands all of us in a positive light. She will also be the first to admit that blogging is great free therapy as well. Susie's hope for the world? Increasing kindness, tolerance and love.
You can also follow her Facebook page New Day, New Lesson where she posts her unique photos with quotes as well as gift ideas.
More Posts - Website
Follow Me:
by Susie Newday (Israel) | Oct 9, 2013 | Childhood, Israel, Life Lesson, Parenting, Susie Newday
I have a confession. I obviously used that title to draw you in because even though I have not read the book, I know enough from the reviews to say that there is no one in the world who thinks the book 50 Shades of Grey is for kids. Sadly though, that book has tainted one of my favorite go to phrases: “shades of grey”.
We all like to think that we can break things down into black and white, when in essence, life is many shades of grey constantly swirling and combining in different intensities. Coming to grips with shades of grey is something that only really ripens in adulthood, and even then, the acceptance and understanding that the world and life are not black and white is a slow process .
I don’t think I truly understood that until the other day when I had a heated discussion with my 21-year-old son about a topic on which we have major differences of opinions.
Yes, he is an adult. Yes, he is a soldier. Yet he still sees things as black and white, kind of like I did at his age. I was frustrated by his not being able to see that there are many shades of grey in every disagreement between people and nations.
When I thought about it more, I realized that I miss the naiveté of my youth when things were black and white for me. I miss knowing what is 100% right and what is 100% wrong. I miss being sure of what is good and bad. I miss the conviction of “knowing” the truth and being sure that I will never waver on my principles.
Today, I know that there really is no black and white. Our values generally stay strong, and they guide us in how we live our lives. On the other hand, our principles can change depending on the circumstances. In other words, we use our values to decide what and when we take a stand on something. Adults (for the most part) can better see different sides of the story and realize that compromise isn’t always the end of the world. We are generally less vested in being right, and we try, not always successfully, to see the bigger picture.
Kids on the other hand need the black and the white. They need to be able to fit good and bad into neat boxes. Strong or weak? Ugly or pretty? Smart or stupid? They need to be confident in what is right and what is wrong. Good or bad? Safe or dangerous? Maybe that’s why fairy tales have very clear-cut good and bad characters. Children need the peace of mind that comes with unshakeable beliefs.
Shades of grey make a shaky foundation for confidence and assurance. Black and white are unbreakable cement pillars, which can explain why grey takes so long to learn.
Black and white may be advantageous to kids for both safety and social purposes by helping them sort people and the world, understand what is safe for them and how to belong to a group. However, black and white is also extremism. It’s an either or mentality. It reduces a whole spectrum of possibilities to only two options without entertaining or acknowledging the whole gamut of possibilities in between. It’s the land of never and always. It’s the primitive childlike thinking adults slip back into when we’re going through hard times, when we are looking for certainty.
In life there isn’t one answer. There isn’t one truth. The world changes and evolves while black and white is stuck and interferes with creativity. When our world is black and white we end up spending a lot of energy on being right and trying to prove our point.
As parents we are charged with the great responsibility of instilling our kids with a moral compass. As part of that process, we consistently and sometimes unwittingly hoist our opinions and solutions on our kids. We do our best yet sometimes we forget that while children need their black and whites we have to stop and think how to begin to introduce them to shades and hues of grey.
We need to live our lives as a model for our children. We need to show them by our actions that there is more than our right answer. That being right doesn’t mean someone else is wrong, being wrong also doesn’t mean that someone else is right. We don’t have to agree with everyone but we should stop to listen and then think about what it is we really believe.
We all have our black and whites (which may or may not change over the years) but most adults have a many hued resplendent grey life. It takes courage to embrace grey. It means we’re willing to learn, change and entertain other points of view.
Do you think kids should learn about life’s shades of grey? If you do, how do you help teach them that life is not black and white?
This has been an original post to World Moms Blog by Susie Newday of Israel. You can find her positive thoughts on her blog, New Day New Lesson.
Photo credit to the author.
Susie Newday is a happily-married American-born Israeli mother of five. She is an oncology nurse, blogger and avid amateur photographer.
Most importantly, Susie is a happily married mother of five amazing kids from age 8-24 and soon to be a mother in law. (Which also makes her a chef, maid, tutor, chauffeur, launderer...) Susie's blog, New Day, New Lesson, is her attempt to help others and herself view the lessons life hands all of us in a positive light. She will also be the first to admit that blogging is great free therapy as well. Susie's hope for the world? Increasing kindness, tolerance and love.
You can also follow her Facebook page New Day, New Lesson where she posts her unique photos with quotes as well as gift ideas.
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by Susie Newday (Israel) | Jul 31, 2013 | 2013, Culture, Eye on Culture, Feminism, Inspirational, Interviews, Israel, Life Lesson, Music, Parenting, Susie Newday, Uncategorized, World Events, World Interviews, World Motherhood
When you’re offered an opportunity to interview the biggest female singing sensation in your country, you jump at it. Last month during the Israeli Presidential Conference I was lucky enough to meet and interview Rita Jahan-Foruz a singer known simply as Rita.
Rita was born in Tehran, Iran and emigrated to Israel at the age of 8. Through hard work and lots of talent she became Israel’s most successful singing artist. For the last 25 years Rita has had an illustrious career both in Israel and abroad. Her latest album “My Joys” is entirely in her native language of Pharsi. That album has become a big seller on the black market in Iran where it is forbidden, along with all other Western music. Some say that Rita’s album would go gold in Iran if it wasn’t banned.
I waited in the VIP room for the interview to start, and I sat there becoming increasingly more nervous as I watched other people interview Rita and a host of other interesting people who were speaking at the conference. I did chuckle a bit to myself when Weili Dai, a top female entrepreneur and the CEO of Marvell (herself an amazing, friendly and gifted woman), came over to have her picture taken with Rita. It wasn’t the photo op that made me chuckle, it was the fact that right before the photo was snapped both of them fluffed their hair. It seems to be a universal quirk all women around the world have before being photographed. I was also quite in admiration how both of them managed to be on their feet all day in their beautiful but really high heels.
Okay, shallowness now aside.
Right before our interview started, a young man who was a waiter at the event came over, sat down on the couch next to Rita and started talking to her. It was spontaneous on his part and graciously received on her part. It was only after I had tweeted a picture of them talking and commented on how friendly Rita was that someone tweeted me back saying that the waiter is connected to an organization called OneFamily (a non-profit organization that rehabilitates, reintegrates and rebuilds the lives of Israel’s thousands of victims of terror attacks) which is a cause dear to Rita’s heart.
When it was my turn I came over, said hello and introduced myself. I sat down trying to look put together, which I can tell you is not an easy task when you are lugging a knapsack, a telephone, a tape recorder, notebook and ipad.
Before I even started asking questions, I gave Rita a World Moms Blog tote bag that Jennifer Burden, the founder of World Moms Blog, had sent me to gift to her. Rita loved it, and right away started putting all her things into it.
I then handed her a little gift from myself, a keychain that said in Hebrew “Music is the language of angels.” She loved that too, and you could see that her reaction was genuine and not just polite. She right away pulled out her keyring from her bag. It had lots of keys and other keychains, including one with a picture of her daughters and she clipped my gift right on. She even proudly showed it off to others.
As I was about to start asking her questions, I blurted out, “I’m a bit nervous.” She looked at me in surprise and said, “Nervous? Really? Why?” as if the concept was completely foreign to her that someone would even be nervous speaking to her. That put me completely at ease, and the interview, or should I say more of a conversation, started. When I watched some of her videos later I was able to once again see her natural friendliness and charm shine through. This video of Rita recording one of her songs in Pharsi is a good example of her being down to earth and approachable.
I offered to do the interview in English or Hebrew, but Rita wanted to practice her English so we started off in English but moved back and forth. I could tell how passionate she was about certain subjects (which was often) because that was when she moved back into Hebrew in order to be able to express herself so much more freely.
Susie: World Moms Blog represents mothers from around the world. Right now we represent 20 countries including Morocco, Saudi Arabia, UAE, Egypt and many others. We write about motherhood, culture, social good, about connecting people through what they have in common.
Rita: Wow. Do you have a writer from Iran?
S: No, but if you know someone, we would love to have them on board.
I think that what you’re trying to do with music is what we at World Moms Blog are trying to do through writing, which is to bring the world together one person at a time. (Rita nodded her head at that.)
Do you see yourself as an ambassador of peace between all countries or just between Israel and Iran?
R: I think with my own existence I represent the Iranian and Israeli connection but I would love to represent as much as I can. I think that as women we have a unique way of connecting.
The male and female species are in essence two opposites. You need them both in the world, like Ying and Yang, day and night. It’s a little bit like our reproductive organs. The male behavior, like the male anatomy is surging forward, conquering, moving on with energy that is outward facing.
A woman’s energy is like our wombs. It’s meant to contain/include* and to embrace what there is no matter what. We first embrace and bring things close. We need to be able to see the strength in this, we need to influence and to realize that the place of “containing/including*” others is our strength.
It’s like a a mother who is always the center of the house. Everyone in the family comes and goes, they go a bit nuts. They cry but in the end they always come back to the middle, to the center and the nature of women is the center.
We are mothers and what happens to our children, and to the world they will inherit is important to us. We have to use our natural strengths of connecting to make sure we do what is best for them.
(*There is no great English translation for the word Rita used. The closest I got was contain but it is somewhere between contain and include with maybe a little bit of absorb.)
S: What would you suggest to women to do in order to empower themselves?
R: Not everyone can sing or dance or act or write books, but I think that each and every one of us can influence by connecting. One person connects with another and they connect with someone else from someplace place and so on. We all have to try to connect to others.
(Note: Rita is not only the best selling Israeli singer of all time, she also dances, acts and has published a children’s book. She received The Israeli Academy Award for Best Actress in 1989 for her role in The Thousand Wives of Naftali Siman-Tov, as well as the 2011 Best Actress award at the San Francisco International festival of Short Films for Ben returns Home. Her children’s book “The Girl With A Brave Heart” has been translated into English from Hebrew.)
S: That is something really close to my heart. That’s how I got to blogging, by connecting with other mothers though a forum overseas, getting to know them and having them get to know me. We were all from different cultures but we were all mothers.
One of the things which touched me was listening to you talk about how you got the love of music from your home and that your parents were very supportive of you.
R: They were supportive in their love. They didn’t understand what I was doing, going from class to class, learning acting, dancing and taking voice lessons. They didn’t understand anything about that.
S: But what I’m hearing from you is that they didn’t criticize either?
R: No they didn’t.
S: You have two daughters ages 12 and 21, right? Do you think parent/child relationships today are different then they were when you were growing up?
R: Of course. Of course. I think that back then children were not so important in what they said. They were children. Nowadays, we don’t look at children as children. They are much more important than us. We listen to them more, we are more attentive and sensitive to them. I don’t think it was like that back when I was growing up. Kids were kids. You ate and grew. No?
S: I don’t know. What I see is that kids these days are less connected to their parents than we were, at least on a daily basis. They have a lot more outlets than we had.
R: The world is changing. In this age of the television and computers, the “outside” world has more influence whereas once the “inside” world, the inner circle, had more influence.
I think that these days we give our kids so much love that maybe we spoil them too much. We are more protective of them than anyone was of us. Right?
S: I think that these days we have more to protect our children from.
R: Yes, you’re right.
S: Has fame affected your family relationship and your relationship with your daughters?
R: Of course.
S: In what ways?
R: I’m not talking about fame because fame didn’t affect anything. I am talking about not having the privacy to go for instance with my daughter to the beach. People constantly come and want to take pictures with you and you can’t possibly have privacy with your family and children outside of the house. Of course it’s something that affects you.
S: What do your children have to say about it?
R: I think they don’t like it. They are much more sensitive to people passing by and looking at them or photographing them. They are very sensitive to that.
S: Do you think your children feel any advantages of your fame?
R: Of course. They come to the concerts. They have a different type of life. Once, my daughter Meshi came home laughing at a question that someone had asked her. “What is it like to be Rita’s daughter?” She said I don’t know, I haven’t experienced anything else.
S: It sounds like she has a great sense of humor.
R: Yes, she’s amazing.
S: What is your wish for world mothers?
R: I wish for all us mothers to have the power, strength and wisdom to protect our children until they themselves have the ability to protect themselves.
I think that the most painful thing in the world is knowing that children are raped or abused and that we are not really able to protect them. That is what I am most sensitive to, knowing that somewhere out there, there is a child that is helpless and there is no one to protect him.
S: Sadly, things like that happen even to children who have people looking out for them.
R: It’s even worse when the people who are supposed to be protecting the children are the ones who do terrible things and do them harm.
S: Do you have one particular defining moment that you remember as a child?
R: Yes, yes. In Iran, my mother had a hair salon in the house. All kinds of women used to come to her. Once, a women who was almost completely bald came. All she had was wisps of hair. My mother shampooed her hair and while she was doing her hair she kept telling her you’re so beautiful, look how beautiful you are, you’re so wonderful.
I was 6, and my sister who is four years older than me was 10. My mother was working in our bedroom like she always did because that was also her work room. When the woman left, my sister said to my mother, why are you such a liar? How could you tell her she was beautiful? She was bald, she almost didn’t have any hair.
My mother then asked my sister, why do you think I was lying? My sister said, you told her how beautiful she was, what beautiful eyes she has, but she was bald. My mother then gently asked my sister, but did you look at her eyes? Her eyes were very beautiful.
And that’s the lesson I quietly learned there.
S: It seems to me that that is exactly what your book teaches, to look past the outer and see the beauty and kindness that is in each person.
R: That’s what I learned my whole life from my mother. When she looks at someone, first and foremost she looks for what’s beautiful in the person. That’s the way she sees people. That was a very big life lesson for me.
Every time I tell this story I still have goosebumps.
S: I find it amazing that I didn’t even know about your book until one of the other World Mom Bloggers told me that you had written one and it had been translated to English.
R: The book is gaining incredible momentum.
S: It should. It’s a great book with a great message and great illustrations.
(Note: The book is called The Girl With a Brave Heart. I read it in Hebrew and I love the many messages in it including the fact that people don’t always know how to ask for what they need and that we should let our hearts lead the way.)
Of course that’s when I pulled out the two copies of her book that I bought along for her to sign. I handed her a pen but she searched her bag because she has a special marker for signing books.
There is something so nice about talking to someone who is famous, who has performed for world leaders, who has bought so much joy to others through her music, yet still makes you feel no less important than she is. Maybe one day I will get to speak to her again because I really enjoyed our conversation.
I really hope Rita has unparalleled success in bringing people and countries together through her music. My wish for her is that one day she will get to perform in her native country of Iran, something that will mean that peace and acceptance has finally come to our world.
Before Rita’s performance at the UN’s main assembly hall, secretary-general Ban Ki Moon told Rita that many revolutions started from music and that it’s a place that politicians can never enter.
What do you think? Do you think music and musicians can help bring about change and be a conduit for peace?
This has been an original post to World Moms Blog by Susie Newday of Israel. You can find her positive thoughts on her blog, New Day New Lesson.
Photo credit to the author.
Susie Newday is a happily-married American-born Israeli mother of five. She is an oncology nurse, blogger and avid amateur photographer.
Most importantly, Susie is a happily married mother of five amazing kids from age 8-24 and soon to be a mother in law. (Which also makes her a chef, maid, tutor, chauffeur, launderer...) Susie's blog, New Day, New Lesson, is her attempt to help others and herself view the lessons life hands all of us in a positive light. She will also be the first to admit that blogging is great free therapy as well. Susie's hope for the world? Increasing kindness, tolerance and love.
You can also follow her Facebook page New Day, New Lesson where she posts her unique photos with quotes as well as gift ideas.
More Posts - Website
Follow Me:
