Domestic Abuse: from Fear to Confidence

Domestic Abuse: from Fear to Confidence

When you leave an abusive relationship, you are driven by fear. At some point you know that if you stay, you’ll die, one way or another. And if you have kids, that they are at great risk too. You may not be able to say that it’s the right choice, because your thoughts are not clear, your mind is dealing with many contradictions; guilt and shame are your best friends for years.

You’ll find on your way back to life, many voices that will make you doubt your decisions to get out of a domestic abuse situation. It will be friends and professionnals. And it will be tough to listen to those people, who seem to know better than you what you went though and what you ought to do to start again. You will listen at first and you will feel less and less powerful, more and more under stress, pressure. All your energy seems gone to a land where you can’t catch it again.

Obviously, the person committing abbuse will do everything to win your back; your kids will be used for bartering —so easy! Many people think that it’s just about leaving domestic abuse, when in fact it’s so much more. It’s about finding yourself again, in a battle that looks like it will never ever end. And, also, it’s about keeping your kids safe and well.

Kids are the priority

Often people tell you—now that you’re out and ready to start a new life away from your abuser—that you have to take care of yourself. On paper, this looks great for sure, but in reality, if you have kids, you will want to protect them first. How can you think about yourself, when for years you have been nothing, and when you have been told you were good for nothing. First things first. Getting out of domestic abuse will cost you: 1. insomnia, 2. a great deal of money to find the best lawyer, 3. countless thoughts about whether you should give him/her another chance…again.

It lasted four years for me, between the time I left to the time the divorce was validated. It was all about our child. As much as I wanted him to have a relationship with his dad, I wanted the law of my country to guarantee the best protection for him too. I knew my ex-husband would do anything to mess it up. And he did.

Under threat

Domestic abuse doesn’t stop one morning bacause you decide it’s over. It’s always there, not visible, but in the words said, unsaid, in the behaviour, in the way the abuser is changing roles, again and again and again. So you are not able to tell what’s true, what’s not. You’re confused and back under his power once more.

It’s tough when you want your life back but you feel dragged down every time you make a step forward.

Stand your ground

At some stage you will need to get past voices around you and find your own. It’s a step-by-step process, full of ups and downs. I remember feeling free one day and back to darkness the next. But as months went by, I could see more days with freedom and fewer without. When people used to tell me things, I let them talk. By the end of the divorce, I had been through enough to understand a bit more about my ex-husband. He only wanted me to be the bad guy of the story.

But in front of the judge he did not stand any chance. The evidence was against him. People did not know my story. But I knew it by heart. I knew what I lived was not about love but only possession. And that his goal now was not to lose face in front of his family and community. Nothing more.

Know what’s best

I got help. I worked a lot. I wrote many lines. I poured out on to paper all the things I could not get my head around. And there were many. For me, it’s not about will power at first, it’s about understanding what abuse is, how we got there, why and how we can get out of it. It’s an enlightening road, cause when you start walking in your real shoes, you start seeing the whole picture.

I think that we all know what’s best for us, whatever other people think. My son did not see his dad for six years. Today, he is seeing his dad once a month in a supervised center. Many are still telling me that he is his dad and he won’t do anything to harm him, or that maybe he could see him out of this place. For me it’s a NO WAY. I know what’s best for him and me.

At the end of the story, you know you are part of it too. And you start taking care of yourself! Maybe,for the first time in your life!

Do you have any preconceived ideas (we all have some at some stage) about domestic abuse? How is the Law protecting kids and parents in your country?

This is an original post to World Moms Network from our contributor in France, Marie V. The featured image used in this post is attributed to Safe Horizon.

Marie Kléber

Marie is from France and is living near Paris, after spending 6 years in Irlande. She is a single mum of one, sharing her time between work, family life and writing, her passion. She already wrote 6 books in her native langage. She loves reading, photography, meeting friends and sharing life experiences. She blogs about domestic abuse, parenting and poetry @https://mahshiandmarshmallow.wordpress.com

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From Disappointment to Apathy: a COVID outcome

From Disappointment to Apathy: a COVID outcome

Kids need to learn how to deal with disappointment

I’ve heard this said time and time again, especially when my teenagers were younger. Most of the time, it was meant as general advice towards today’s generation of spoiled children but the advice has been directed towards me as well. I admit, I’ve been the kind of mom who wants to make life easier for her kids than my own has been. Why wouldn’t I?

Life isn’t void of disappointment. Overcoming set-backs is an important skill kids need to acquire. By solving their problems and contriving compensations, we take away learning opportunities. Personally, I thank my engineering diploma for my drive to overcome adversity and ability to fend for myself. Still, I find it difficult to accept distress in my own kids’ lives if I have the ability to avert it.

Making up for Loss

In the first months of COVID-19, counterbalancing disappointment seemed to be the go-to for many parents. Your birthday party was cancelled (again) due to COVID? OK, we’ll have to postpone it but we’ll treat you with an elaborate in-house birthday brunch ànd an extra present!

It’s an almost instinctive way to guide our kids through difficult times: compensate distress with fun and focus on the positive .

COVID provided our kids with plenty of learning opportunities. No matter how hard we tried, we couldn’t even begin to counterbalance it all. For me, that wasn’t a bad thing. I was forced to give up control and we learned not to take luxuries for granted.

From Disappointment to Apathy

In the second year of COVID however, I witnessed my kids’ improved ability to cope with disappointment gradually begin to evolve towards a sense of resignation, indifference and even apathy. Anticipating disappointment has become their default. We didn’t experience any COVID losses. We have been grateful for our jobs, our home office, our garden retreat, our health. I’ve always been aware of our many privileges, and COVID strongly enhanced that awareness. We really didn’t have any grounds for complaining. Still, my kids’ atypical apathy saddened me, deeply.

Shrugging off Conflict

When the conflict in Ukraine escalated, however, they weren’t even upset. They shrugged in the same way they shrugged when I announced a family holiday to Germany. In their acquired mood of apprehension, a close-by war was more readily accepted than the prospect of having a hamburger in Hamburg – the latter, one of their long-time bucket list items nonetheless.

Going on a holiday while another European country was at war, felt like betrayal. Cancelling the trip would mean betrayal on another level, to my kids. So it all happened. Russia invaded Ukraine. We enjoyed our Hamburg hamburger. Geographically, we had travelled closer to the war. Mentally, we couldn’t have been farther away.

It felt uncomfortably surreal. It was exactly what they had needed.

Shedding Indifference

On the way home, we were able to discuss both world politics and the history of Bremen and its legendary town musicians. The kids’ even ventured to propose ideas for our next trip – Vienna or Venice? As we were getting closer to our home town, they quietly talked about how the Ukrainian refugeesl, who had partly been travelling the same way we did, might fee. Some of them would even be staying in our town but had no prospects of returning home soon. When my teens started to plan what they could do to make the refugees feel welcome and cared for, I felt proud. But most of all, I was relieved.

They finally were shedding their indifference; learning to let go of apathy.

Do you recognize this increased sense of indifference in your children or yourself? How is your family coping with the surreal sequence of world events?

This is an original post to World Moms Network from our contributor in Belgium, Katinka. The featured image used in this post is attributed to Khashayar Kouchpeydeh from the site Unsplash.

Katinka

If you ask her about her daytime job, Katinka will tell you all about the challenge of studying the fate of radioactive substances in the deep subsurface. Her most demanding and rewarding job however is raising four kids together with five other parents, each with their own quirks, wishes and (dis)abilities. As parenting and especially co-parenting involves a lot of letting go, she finds herself singing the theme song to Frozen over and over again, even when the kids are not even there...

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GUEST POST: New Territory [Albania]

GUEST POST: New Territory [Albania]

Today’s post comes to World Moms Network by Lura Elezi of Albania. Lura is an activist, mother, writer and thinker. The piece below first appeared on Lura’s personal blog, Lara, Lara! in April 2020. It is a reflection of a similar time in a different place when a young Lura Elezi was also fleeing from pending war. She dedicates this post to all women and girls facing similar challenges today.

As an Eastern European, I relate to the Ukrainian people in so many ways. But that is not as relevant as the most important fact that we are first and foremost human and we should lock all wars in history books, as they have no more place in the present world.

As I sit hoping every minute that this war will not become even one month old, I would also like to point out that on top of various donations, my home is open to any Ukrainians reaching for my city: Tirana, Albania.

— Lura Elezi, March 15, 2022

Fleeing from Danger

Like many fellow Albanians during the 1997 quasi-civil war* of Albania, after several adventurous attempts, my family and I managed to flee the country. 

My sisters and I were clueless. My parents told us to pack some of our valuables because we were leaving the city for the village—we were less likely to be hit by a stray bullet there. On the way to the airport, their story changed.

I was a young girl going through puberty and all the unrest that comes with it. Having seen and collected stray bullets on our balcony, I decided to channel all my unease by worrying about our cat Lara. We had left her with our downstairs neighbors, whose daughters were our friends. What if they fled too? What about Lara?

To Lands Unknown

Four flights later we had reached my uncle’s home…in Beijing, China.

No more stray bullets indeed but we were not here as tourists either. The culture and language was strange and very different from ours. We would only leave the premises about once a week; we had no clue whether our apartment back home was still intact; and we could barely get in touch through landlines with our friends and family left behind. I remained worried about Lara.

My parents were glued to the news. They were probably suppressing deep depression, of which my sisters and I were oblivious. 

Changes

I spent my time reading, playing Super Mario or out in the yard—an inner courtyard surrounded by high walls—when the weather allowed it. After one sweaty session of play, I ran inside straight to the bathtub only to see that… 

The communists had arrived!

Or as some say, “auntie paid a visit.”

Or to be more clear—something society did not seem too fond of doing at the time—I got my first period. 

I felt the panic creeping in, so I acted accordingly. My need to hide it from my older sister and my mother was intense. I started throwing away my underpants, concealing them well so no one would see them in the garbage. 

I left Albania as a child but now—according to tales passed down through generations—I was a woman.

What did that even mean? One thing I was sure, I was not ready for it!

Things Got Worse

Two or three days went by, and panic got worse. 

I felt like excitement about everything was coming to an end. 

That maybe they wouldn’t let me play outside anymore. 

That vaginal blood was something to be ashamed of and it was foreshadowing a world less amusing than the one I was in. 

Now I would have to act like a grownup. And what grownup girls did, is whisper about your biology maybe in the kitchen corners. Leave all fun behind, as those are privileges reserved for men and children only. 

Eventually I started running out of underwear to throw away and I was exhausted. So I told my sister first, and then my mother. They congratulated me—my mom even laughed at my worries—and they gave me hygienic pads to wear. 

The next day I rode the bike in the courtyard and no one seemed to care that I had a pad glued to my underwear, and it was turning redder by the hour. 

Looking Back

For years I pondered why I had so much dread surrounding this biological event.

I do not recall my family telling me fearful tales; but certainly everyone else had managed to taunt me as a little girl:

About the fateful day when my period would find me. 

That girls cannot do what they please after a certain point.

That girls are the sacrifice to the society, so it moves forward. 

The Tale of Rozafa

Just like unfortunate Rozafa, a local legend that still turns my stomach, but which many seemed to find so meaningful.

Rozafa was the new wife of a third brother and she had just given birth to their first child. The brothers were building a vital wall and after a few futile endeavors, the wall required a blood sacrifice to be able to stand. So the brothers put Rozafa in it alive, and left her eye, breast and hand outside the wall, so she could take care of the baby in the crib. 

Hundreds of similar horrid legends, where women are so dispensable, are passed down around the world. 

Fear of Growing Up

I did not want to turn into a woman. As I thought about how boys play: they have fun; grow up to be businessmen and politicians; are told legends where they are heroes; continue to play video games; can be bosses; get to sit with legs spread out all their lives

“boys will remain boys!”

While girls have to: cast their eyes mostly downwards; never sit with spread legs; stand a lot; AND the moment your nipples start growing and you get your period…then the kitchen becomes your new hangout area. With other women, some much older, and with very unpleasant stories.

And if later, as an adult, a girl pursues her ambitions, she is called a b!tch and she better thank god several times a week for finding a husband who wants to bear children with her.

At least this is how it is for many.

Across much of the planet. 

Resolution

Two-and-a-half months later, we returned to Albania from our exile and waited patiently for the country to restore. I learned to buy pads myself and the sales clerk would wrap them with newspapers.

Lara the Cat lived 15 wonderful years with us. 


* A few years into a young democracy that followed one of the harshest dictatorships the planet has known, in January 1997—after being deceived by fraudulent pyramid schemes that took loans from individuals and returned it at 150-300% interest rate—Albanians rioted. Eventually, all these schemes collapsed, and common people, who lost a great deal, broke in the ammunition warehouses across the country and a civil war almost took off. A few months later, things were calmer but it took Albania about a decade to recover from the financial losses —totaling about $1.2 billion. 

The image used in this post is the author in 1997. It is used with her permission.

World Moms Network

World Moms Network is an award winning website whose mission statement is "Connecting mothers; empowering women around the globe." With over 70 contributors who write from over 30 countries, the site covered the topics of motherhood, culture, human rights and social good. Most recently, our Senior Editor in India, Purnima Ramakrishnan was awarded "Best Reporting on the UN" form the UNCA. The site has also been named a "Top Website for Women" by FORBES Woman and recommended by the NY Times Motherlode and the Times of India. Follow our hashtags: #worldmom and #worldmoms Formerly, our site was known as World Moms Blog.

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Real People of Ukraine

Real People of Ukraine

This is the second installment in our multi-post series about real people of Ukraine as observed by our contriutor, Loren Braunohler. Loren is a former US diplomat who, until recently, was posted with her family in Kyiv, Ukraine. You can read the first installment here.

Ksenia and Alex

Ukraine Ksenia & Alex

These are my friends Ksenia and Alex. They are real people of Ukraine. We met in a café near my youngest child’s preschool. It was Ksenia’s birthday that day and they were getting ready to travel to Greece to celebrate. We shared an immediate bond over our love of travel and reminisced about our adventures. They were warm and kind and you could tell that their love for one another was deep and strong.

Friendship

We continued to stay in touch. Ksenia told me about all of the best kept secret spots in Kyiv and we were making plans to have an outdoor BBQ together when the weather warmed up, so that they could meet the kids and get to know my family better.

Ksenia is a dancer, Alex boxes. Together they have a beautiful life.

Before the Invasion

Ksenia and I keep in touch on social media nearly every day. She was buying beautiful spring flowers the day before the invasion took place. She and Alex were cool and composed in the face of an imminent attack; their bravery and heroism in line with what Ukrainians are showing across the country.

Since the Invasion

Earlier this week, Ksenia told me that she is sheltering with Alex’s grandmother in eastern Ukraine. Alex is fighting in a volunteer battalion. I cannot begin to imagine what their goodbye must have looked or felt like.

I’ve asked how we, as individuals, best can help. She said:

“there are a lot of people ready to stand in defense of our country, but not enough armor, helmets, walkie-talkies, knee pads, and other equipment.”

Ksenia doesn’t want to leave Ukraine because she wants to stay close to Alex and she wants to help obtain as much equipment for the volunteer battalions as she can. She says,

“We do feel support from all over the world and people all over, I’m simply unable to express how grateful we are, I can’t write without tears in my eyes.”

Stay strong and safe Ksenia and Alex. The world is on your side. We’ll have that BBQ one day.

Girl Scouts Troop 41501

Ukraine Troop 41501

These are Kyiv Junior Girl Scouts Troop 41501. They also are real people of Ukraine. My daughter had been begging me to lead a Girl Scouts Troop for years. I finally acquiesced. What a blessing it was for me. These strong, brave girls taught me so much; arguably more than I taught them.

Together

We learned how to build fires, roast S’mores, take hikes and to navigate using compasses. We studied endangered animals, made hedgehog houses, learned about energy sources and how to be more energy efficient in our everyday lives. We made furniture from recycled material, knotted fleece tie blankets and created Christmas cards for orphanages during the holidays. We did all of this and so much more. There was so much curiousity, creativity, and laughter. We still had so many projects left to do and places to explore together. These were my daughter’s friends. These were my girls.

Apart

Two of these bright, vivacious young ladies, Katya and Lisa, are sheltering in Ukraine. Both have managed to leave Kyiv and are safe; for now. One mom says:

“Katya is really missing life before the war and meetings with her Girl Scouts Troop.”

Lisa spent a few nights in a bomb shelter and then made her way to western Ukraine, where it is safer; for now. Her father is helping to evacuate Ukrainians from the east and Kyiv to locations further west.

Please think of these girls and their families today and send them strength and courage.

#StandWithUkraine #usagso #girlscoutstrong

This is not an original post for World Moms Network from our contributor, who was formerly in Ukraine, Loren Braunohler. These posts originally appeared on Loren’s Facebook feed but are modified and reprinted here with the author’s permission. The images used in this post are attributed to the author.

Loren Braunohler

Loren Braunohler is a former U.S. diplomat turned stay-at-home mom and freelance writer. She is a world traveler who avoids the cold (don't ask why she is currently in Poland). Former assignments have included Mozambique, Venezuela, Australia, Sudan, Thailand and Washington, D.C. She enjoys running, although she probably enjoys sleeping even more. Loren blogs about her family's international adventures and parenting at www.toddlejoy.com.

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UKRAINE: Reflections from a former Diplomat

UKRAINE: Reflections from a former Diplomat

I have no words, and also a thousand words. I am profoundly sad and helplessly angry at the same time. What is happening in Ukraine feels surreal, yet it is horrifyingly, heartbreakingly real. It’s taken me days to get words down because nothing that I write could possibly encompass and explain the horror of what’s happening on the ground or adequately express how I feel. I humbly try now because the Ukrainians deserve our attention.

Don’t look away

Don’t choose to ignore

It’s hard to watch. But watch. Don’t go on with your life as if nothing is happening. Acknowledge what is happening. Don’t gloss over the egregiousness of Russia’s actions if your children ask you what’s happening. Talk to them about it. Tell them why it is egregious.

This could easily be you,

or me,

or us,

had we been born into different circumstances.

These people–these brave, resilient, courageous people, that I have lived with side by side for the last year and a half–they are truly the most remarkable human beings in the face of adversity. What they feel for their country is an intense pride, an unparalleled sense of duty and service, a ferocious nationalism, and ownership of their fate and the future of Ukraine.

They will not give up!

They will not back down. Women will fight. Older men will fight. Young couples will say goodbye to one another so that young men can fight. Everyone will do their part. And there will be no complaining. Only a sense of duty and love for their country, and a need to do what is necessary to try and preserve the life they knew and had only one week ago, and for the last 30 years. I’m sure you’ve see the heroic stories from regular individuals on the street. This is how it goes. These are Ukrainians. My heart is shattered in a million pieces for these people, and their country.

Life Stories

My family and I were posted to Kyiv, Ukraine in August 2020 and evacuated in January 2022. As I try to figure out how best to process what is happening, I thought I’d share life stories on social media of some of our Ukrainian friends before the war– families of some of my girl scouts, a guitar teacher, a gardener, preschool friends, a 71-year old housekeeper and more. All of these people are still on the ground in Ukraine.

This is Sergeii. He helped us garden in the summer months and shovel in the winter. Sergeii is kind and gentle, fair and honest. He doesn’t have a family of his own but he loves children and is incredibly patient. You would never catch Sergeii having a bad day; he always had a smile on his face. This is a little video clip of Sergeii teaching my youngest son how to put down grass seed and take care of our yard. I have spoken to Sergeii three times within the week of the Russian invasion. He has chosen to fight and has been issued a gun. Please pray for his safety and the safety of all Ukrainians. Pray for the future of the Ukrainian nation.

How to Help

If you want to help Ukraine, here is a list of resources that show how best to support the country at this time: https://www.cidi.org/disaster-responses/ukraine-crisis/…#StandWithUkraine

This is not an original post to World Moms Network by our contributor, formerly in the Ukraine, Loren Braunohler. This post first appeared in Loren’s Facebook feed but was modified for WMN with the author’s consent. Images appearing in this post are attributed to the author.

Loren Braunohler

Loren Braunohler is a former U.S. diplomat turned stay-at-home mom and freelance writer. She is a world traveler who avoids the cold (don't ask why she is currently in Poland). Former assignments have included Mozambique, Venezuela, Australia, Sudan, Thailand and Washington, D.C. She enjoys running, although she probably enjoys sleeping even more. Loren blogs about her family's international adventures and parenting at www.toddlejoy.com.

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World Mom: Simona Rinfreschi of Spain

World Mom: Simona Rinfreschi of Spain

Mama Simona has been a World Moms Contributor for more than a decade and has written many posts for us over the years. She first started contributing from South Africa but left that world behind in 2021 when she moved to Spain with her husband. You may know her from her posts or be one of the many World Mom friends she’s made over the years. For this month’s Meet A World Mom, WMN sat down with Simona, in Spain, to to find out what makes her a World Mom.

What country do you live in?

It used to be South Africa but I moved to Spain in 2021

What country are you from? 

I was born in Italy but lived in South Africa from the age of eight until last year.

What language(s) do you speak?

I speak English, Italian and Afrikaans fluently and am currently studying Spanish, German and French

How many children do you have and what are their ages?

I have a son and a daughter. My son  turned 29 in January and my daughter will be 26 in May

How did you connect with World Moms Network?

I responded to a request for mom writers who didn’t live in the USA back when our founder, Jen Burden, first started this group as World Moms Blog

How long have you been a part of World Moms Network?

Almost from the beginning, which was in 2011.

How has your life changed since you joined World Moms Network?

Honestly, most of my life I felt like the Ugly Duckling did. I didn’t have any true friends and just didn’t “fit in.”  Since joining WMN, I have found many kindred spirits and the true friends I always longed to have. I was very fortunate to meet up, in-person with Senior Editor, Kirsten Doyle, when she visited South Africa, and I have had a one-on-one video chat with Chief Strategist, Purnima.

Now that I’m in Europe I hope to be able to meet more World Moms (as soon as COVID lets up enough to make getting around the EU easier). Even though I haven’t met anyone else in person, I consider my other friendships just as real. Jennifer Burden also went above and beyond to help out my daughter when she got sick in the USA and I was unable to help from South Africa. That’s the definition of true friendship in my book.

How do you spend your days? (work, life, etc.) 

Before emigrating to Spain, I completed a Level 5 TEFL (Teach English as a Foreign Language) course, as well as How to Teach Business English and Teaching One-on-One and Online. I work as a freelance ESL teacher.  I don’t have a lot of students yet, but luckily my husband’s income is sufficient for us to live comfortably here.  Since I don’t work every day, I usually take care of household chores in the morning then spend my afternoons studying Spanish, German and French.

What are the top 5 places on your travel wish list? 

I would definitely love to visit the USA to meet up with a lot of my online friends. Disney World and Disneyland are also on my US wish-list, because it’s never too late to have a happy childhood. And I want to go back to Italy because it has so many beautiful things that I haven’t had the chance to see yet. I also hope to get the chance to explore the rest of Europe and the world once COVID restrictions lighten up.

Is there a book, movie or show you recommend?

One Day at the Time (series on Netflix) – A very clever comedy similar to Jane the Virgin (which isn’t what you’d expect and is also a very good comedy on Netflix). 

What is your favorite memory with your children? 

Hard to pick just one! Strangely enough, the first thing that came to mind were the middle of the night/early morning feeds. There was something very special about that intimate time when the world was sleeping and I was able to give my baby my undivided attention, free from the inevitable daytime distractions.

What is your best motherhood advice? 

Never forget that every child is an individual and what works for one child won’t necessarily work for the next one. Comparing children is the most counterproductive thing that you could possibly do. Also, forget about being the “perfect” mom, because nobody is that. Trust me, some of the parenting mistakes I used to beat myself up for, my kids (now in their 20s) don’t even remember! Take advice as well-meant, but then trust your own instincts / knowledge when it comes to your children.

What is your favorite place you have traveled to? 

Thanda Safari Game Reserve in South Africa. It’s smaller than the Kruger National Park, and as a result the odds of you being able to spot most (if not all) of the “Big 5” is much greater.

What is your favorite family travel destination? 

Warner Brothers Theme Park near Madrid in Spain. It’s open from noon to midnight. Despite having to wear masks at all times, my family and I thoroughly enjoyed our day there – although one day only isn’t enough to take in the entire park.

What is one random thing that most people would be surprised to know about you? 

I am unable to strike a match or use a “flint type” lighter. I have suffered from pyrophobia since I was a little girl, even though I love a fire in a fireplace or BBQ (just as long as I am far enough away from the actual flames myself). Ironically I allowed my children to use matches and lighters from a very early age, because I didn’t want to pass on my fear to them. I only revealed to them, when they were adults, that the reason I allowed them to light their own birthday candles was because I couldn’t do it myself!

How did you get through quarantine/lockdown (2020/21)? 

I know lockdown was hard for many people, but I didn’t suffer at all—except for the inconvenience caused by the shortages of some goods. I was very fortunate because in South Africa (where we still lived in 2020), I lived in a large house with a large garden and was able to work from home. My husband and I were perfectly happy on our own. Our children had already moved overseas prior to 2020, so video calling was nothing new for us.  We miss the garden now that we live in a flat in Spain, but here we’re in a very small town and (apart from having to wear masks) we can do whatever we want. I am extremely grateful every day for my life.

What brings you joy?

Hearing a child laugh – there’s nothing better in the world than that.

If you had the power to change one thing about the world, what would it be? 

I would love to be able to make EVERYONE understand that the health and welfare of every creature in the world is more important than money.  There would be enough resources for everyone if they were equitably distributed. John Lennon said it so well in his song IMAGINE (you can fid the lyrics here: LyricFind)

What UN sustainable development goal are you most passionate about? 

United Nations SDG poster

Although all the goals are important and worthy,  as someone who lives with several auto-immune disorders, number 3 –  Good Health and Well-Being – is the one I’m most passionate about.  My grandfather was a doctor and he always used to say that good health is “the one (1) that gives value to all the zeros (0) of the world” – In other words if you have education but no health you have 0, but if you are educated and healthy then you have 10. If you’re educated and wealthy you have 00 but if you’re educated, wealthy and healthy you have 100 etc. 

The fact that your income determines whether you can access the medicine you need, just so pharmaceutical companies can make exorbitant profits is abhorrent to me. It’s the same all over the world, even places where “free” medical care is provided (because the “free” care isn’t of the same calibre as private care).

SDG 3: Health & Well-being

In South Africa, my aunt’s domestic worker (I’ll call her Miss X) was ill. My aunt took her to the free, government hospital. They kept Miss X overnight and discharged her the next morning with some paracetamol. My aunt then took her to her own (private) physician (whom my aunt had to pay) and he discovered that Miss X was HIV positive and had an active case of Tuberculosis!

Armed with these results (which had to be paid for) my aunt took Miss X back to the hospital and refused to leave until she ensured that this time Miss X was going to be treated appropriately. This time they gave her antiretrovirals and other medicines but they didn’t take the time to explain what the medication was for and when to take them! My aunt took her home and not only explained everything to her, but also used a pill divider so that Miss X would remember which pill to take when.  If it wasn’t for my Aunt’s involvement, Miss X would have died years ago instead of having an undetectable viral load and be fully recovered from TB. Lack of money should never be the reason for someone’s death!

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