I appreciate Christmas this year, I REALLY do, even if it’s more of the secular parts. Decorating the house and gathering with friends and family — I really look forward to these. But, I couldn’t say the same for the past two Christmases, and there is more to why this year the holiday will be extra-special for me…
You see, the past two years at Christmas I was grieving, grieving the loss of numerous early pregnancies, and I was a little lost in the empty feeling inside of me. It was really difficult to avoid the topic of baby when you’re celebrating a holiday that revolves around, well…the birth of a baby.
I did everything I possibly could to try to keep myself upbeat these past two Christmases for my daughter’s sake. Christmas is normally a happy time for those who celebrate, and I didn’t want to get in the way of that for her.
I overcame great hurdles to deal socially, but not. How do I explain that? When I’m in the middle of a social situation, for example, a friend’s pregnancy announcement during those tough two years, I can handle it right then and there. I didn’t stop being happy for others. It was when I looked inwards and thought about my own situation that I’d feel down.
But, the anxiety and the anticipation of having to talk about babies or fertility or think about the Christmas card that was supposed to have another child in it, but didn’t, or the gifts that were never bought and put under the tree for the children who I couldn’t bring to life. Thinking was what was killing me. And, the only one who knew every thought that I was thinking at every precise moment was me.
It would take a lot for me to shed tears of frustration in front of anyone other than my husband, which is probably why people thought I was handling it so well. Or, why people talked about baby related things or other things they couldn’t possibly dream of would bother me that would, well…bother me. But, those times where I tended to break down in tears in front of my family happened around holidays.
It is really difficult to be around so much joy when you are grieving. I absorbed everyone’s joy under my skin, and when it whirled it’s way inside my body and into my core, what usually made me feel really good, it made me erupt into tears. I was truly happy for everyone, and I think that’s my nature, but I wasn’t happy for me. Where were my babies? I wanted to feel that joy, too. But, I wasn’t ready to yet.
Every year we spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my family in the U.S. and then afterwards fly over to England to celebrate with my husband’s family. Those past two years I couldn’t get on the plane at first. Both years my husband had to cancel our flights the day before, only to reinstate them a few days later until I could get up the nerve to continue the journey.
And, I’d go. And, I’d be fine.
I’m writing this because I haven’t forgotten. I’ve been to that other side where a time of the year that is usually the most fun and looked forward to surprised me by being the most difficult to get through.
I’ve been to that place, where the Holidays weren’t so…fun. But, here I am nearly 7 months pregnant and no longer grieving, and I have a lot to look forward to. This year I’m truly enjoying all the Christmasy things — baking cookies, wrapping gifts, decorating, the New York City Rockefeller Christmas tree and the Radio City Christmas Spectacular — with my 3 year-old daughter and my husband. This year I’m not just going through the motions to get myself through the holidays. No, I’m enjoying it, and the emotions are real for me again. Choosing to be happy can be difficult at times, but this year that won’t be the case.
And, there’s no stress of traveling to or packing for England because I’m pregnant, and we’ve opted to stay home this year. I won’t miss the flight, or flying from cold weather to cold weather, or the jet lag or what the English call “Christmas pudding”, but I will definitely miss the friends and family, seeing my nephew and meeting my new niece, mum’s Yorkshire pudding, the Crunchy bars, the family board games and the kettle always boiling for tea with every home we visit.
My feelings those past two years can’t be so out of the ordinary given the situation. Can they? I can’t help but think that for some reason or another there will be people struggling through the Holidays this year, including many women struggling emotionally through pregnancy loss or infertility.
My best advice to myself at the time was to be strong, let myself cry, talk openly about it, but not to retreat socially. I worked hard to choose to be happy no matter how difficult it seemed, otherwise I may have missed out on some of the good times that helped boost me through it all. I wasn’t perfect at any of this, but I did keep trying.
This has been an original post for World Moms Blog by Veronica Samuels. Veronica can be found on her Facebook Page, on Twitter @Veronica Samuels and also contributing to Jersey Moms Blog.
Photo credit to http://i450.photobucket.com/albums/qq225/Bradleytee/Nativity-jomaryb.jpg. This photo has been used within the terms of photobucket.
Jennifer Burden
Jennifer Burden is the Founder and CEO of World Moms Network, an award winning website on global motherhood, culture, human rights and social good. World Moms Network writes from over 30 countries, has over 70 contributors and was listed by Forbes as one of the “Best 100 Websites for Women”, named a “must read” by The New York Times, and was recommended by The Times of India. She was also invited to Uganda to view UNICEF’s family health programs with Shot@Life and was previously named a “Global Influencer Fellow” and “Social Media Fellow” by the UN Foundation. Jennifer was invited to the White House twice, including as a nominated "Changemaker" for the State of the World Women Summit. She also participated in the One Campaign’s first AYA Summit on the topic of women and girl empowerment and organized and spoke on an international panel at the World Bank in Washington, DC on the importance of a universal education for all girls. Her writing has been featured by Baby Center, Huffington Post, ONE.org, the UN Foundation’s Shot@Life, and The Gates Foundation’s “Impatient Optimists.” She is currently a candidate in Columbia University's School of International and Public Affairs in the Executive Masters of Public Affairs program, where she hopes to further her study of global policies affecting women and girls. Jennifer can be found on Twitter @JenniferBurden.
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Congratulations, Veronica! Thanks for sharing such a touching reflection. I live and blog from Haiti, where there is indeed so much to grieve about this Christmas, sometimes I feel guilty being home in the US for the holiday actually enjoying myself. We all have feelings, guilty or otherwise, about holiday happiness, so this post is beautifully timed.
Happy Holidays,
Kathy
Kathryn,
Thank you so much for sharing the feelings that you are having about Haiti while you are celebrating Christmas. It’s tough to let yourself feel happiness when you know others who are not. I guess the best we can do is focus on the good things that we do to help people and how our existence is making a difference in the world and let ourselves have our moments of enjoyment.
Thank you for keeping up with our blog, and have a Merry Christmas in the states! 🙂
Veronica Samuels
Of course this made me cry, but probably not for the reason many might imagine. Yes, your struggle was moving and the happiness and joy you feel right now is well deserved and a blessing. But no, I didn’t cry for you, I actually cried for me.
Me who had two completely simple pregnancies, who could get pregnant just thinking about it and was able to carry each pregnancy with no complications through to delivering to beautiful, and perfectly health children.
I hated being pregnant. Hated the weight gain, I hated the people who wanted to touch me all the time, I hated looking in the mirror and not seeing me, I hated the sore breasts, and having to pee all the time, and being tired and out of breath. And I cried after reading this. I cried because of how selfish I am and how i never thought once about someone elses experience of pregnancy.
I cried because while I was able to experience these things by being pregnant I never once thought about the woman who would never be able to have any of these experiences. Or the woman who was able to get pregnant but not able to carry their pregnancy to term. I cried because during that time that I should have been thinking about the life growing inside of me all i could think about was how terrible I looked and that 9 months was a terribly long time.
I never once thought about the woman who would never see a 9 month pregnancy through to the end. Or the woman who would never see a pregnancy at all. And yes during ones pregnancy a woman feels that it is all about her. But as I look back I wonder, that if I had experienced any of this or had a close friend who had, if I would have had a different outlook on my own pregnancy? Sure hindsight is 20/20, but after reading this I have truly taken a look at myself and realized what a blessing I received by being able to experience pregnancy without any trials or heartbreak.
I’m not looking for absolution (I figure that I am who I am and if I can realize my faults then I am on the road to changing them), but I do want to say thank you for this post. It couldn’t have been easy to remember those past times when the promise of life was taken away, even now that you are expecting a little bundle to bless your home. But thank you for doing that, and opening my eyes to what other women are going through.
Merrie,
Thanks for writing such a long and thoughtful reply. I am a bit overwhelmed by the different ways that those who read are looking into their own lives and finding their own way to apply the feelings invoked by my story. It’s inspiring.
I first thought of the idea for this article when I realized how different Christmas was becoming for me this year, and how back to normal it was beginning to feel. I was happy for myself, but I felt for those who would be going through what I went through for the first time this Christmas, or who would be continuing to go through it.
I thought it would be important to write all those feelings down before time would make me forget. I thought if I had read someone else’s story, it may have made going through it all a little easier, so maybe I could do that for someone else.
So, I wrote it. And then, after I wrote it I didn’t want to share it. It made me feel uncomfortable, and I almost erased it. I became a bit shy about it and afraid it would look like I was looking for sympathy, which wasn’t my purpose. But then, I kept thinking about the reason why I did write it in the first place, and I scheduled the post.
I’m now glad I went through with it. You are not a selfish person for thinking what you were thinking while pregnant. I often find myself living in a bubble and making choices that may seem totally perfect and well needed in my little world, but that would seem extravagant or unnecessary in someone else’s world. How can we always find the right balance and is there even a right balance? But, if we’re not exposed to other people’s worlds or thoughts, how can we be expected to know the difference? I like reading and growing and thinking in different ways from other people’s posts and words, and if I can ever reciprocate, then it’s a good thing.
In the end, that is part of the reason for starting World Moms Blog. Many of us are doing things in so many different ways in so many different places, and by sharing our stories we may find ways to inspire ourselves and others in life. (I hope!)
Veronica Samuels 🙂
This is a gorgeously written tribute to you and your WHOLE family, Veronica. Thank you for sharing part of your story. Congratulations to you on the new babe and thank you for the reminder that we’re all healing works-in-progress. I hope your Christmas is relaxed, cozy and lovely!
Thank you, Galit. I like your words, “we’re all healing works-in-progress.” So, true.
Thank you for the good wishes. We’re lucky to have you on board World Moms Blog as our first Israeli mom from Minnesota, and I look forward to your first post in the beginning of January!
Veronica Samuels 🙂
What an amazing post! Thank you so much for Sharing, Veronica. I am very fortunate to not have gone through this myself, but I have women near and dear to me who have (or are currently), and I can understand how it is bittersweet…to be joyous for those you love while suffering behind the scenes. I am so thrilled for your family, and I wish you a new year full of happy moments with your newly expanded family!
Thank you, Tara. It is funny because I don’t think I ever realize how big a deal things are until I can look at the situation in hindsight. I remember once being in a doctor’s office many years ago and the doctor routinely asked me if I had any stress in my life. I replied, “No way, everything’s good!” But, then years later I realized that I was doing so much at the time and what was I thinking that I had no stress??!!!
So, today’s post wound up being a good way for me to look back and realize what it was REALLY like to be going through my pregnancy loss situation and reflect on it. Thanks again for the good wishes!
Veronica Samuels 🙂
Sorry to hear about the loss of previous babies. Holidays can be especially hard when you missing the people that should be there. My Christmas will never be the same with the absence of my brother who passed away a few years ago. However, congrats on being pregnant again! I’m glad this great news can bring you joy during the Christmas season.
Mom in Training,
Thank you for your comment and wishes. And, I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. Although your Christmas won’t ever be the same without him, think about how he would want you to get along without him. I hope you can find joy for yourself in Christmas by thinking about how it would make him happy that you were happy. 🙂
As Galit mentioned above, “we are all healing works-in-progress”… And, it will be very exciting for you to celebrate your baby’s first Christmas this year!
Veronica Samuels 🙂
I have a large family that I don’t get to see often, so it will still be a great Christmas. Definitely exciting as it will be my baby’s first one 🙂 My mom will get a special gift of a quilt made from my brother’s clothes, so that will be a nice reminder of him even though he will not be physically present to celebrate.
That is so sweet about the quilt. 🙂 Enjoy Christmas!
Veronica
So well said, Veronica. I could have written this post myself except I’m not on the other side of the grief…yet. It is so hard to be grieving lost pregnancies, lost hope and the empty feeling at Christmas. I was supposed to deliver the week after new year and had planned to be joyful this holiday season. I, too, am trying to engage in social situations and not “hide away” but it is exhausting at times! Thanks again for the honesty. I’m hoping we will have a better 2011-new year, new decade, new hope!
Allison,
The most important thing to focus on for me was that “I was going to be a mom again, one way or the other.” In my case, once I somehow found the courage (I quit my first try) to go through a fertility treatment to get around our chromosome disorder issue, I thought that “If this doesn’t work, then I’m not stopping. I will adopt. I will find a way, if this is what I really want.”
Keep reminding yourself that the emptiness is only temporary. That is another thing that was key to helping me through those tough times. And, it sounds like you have the right attitude going into the new year. Keep it going and know I’m rooting for you, always!
Veronica Samuels 🙂
Thanks for sharing,Veronica. I think you touched on something so many of us do when dealing with our grief, we put on the face everyone wants to see. It’s been 9 years and I still grieve for Nathaniel. There is no right or wrong way to deal with it. I look back at situations that I thought were going to tear me apart and wonder how I ever managed to hold it together. My husband’s cousin had a baby boy about 2 weeks prior to my having Nathaniel. Every. Single. Family. Function. I have to look at the ghost of a little boy. I end up hiding in the bathroom and weeping before I can face everyone. I think most of the family is clueless, not giving it a single thought that seeing Elijah might cause me pain.
I’m glad this is a better year for you & your family. I wish your family Love, Faith and Happiness for Christmas and a beautiful New Year filled with baby’s laughter.
Lots of Love & Hugs
~Amy
Amy,
I don’t know what to say. That is so tough. Does anyone in your family know that you get that feeling around Elijah? Maybe letting them know about it, will help in some even little kind of way. Sometimes it’s better to cry it out in someone’s arms then alone.
I follow your blog religiously. You’ll be spending Christmas in the hospital with your son, and I will be thinking of you and your little boy. I hope more people will check out your story and give you emotional support because you DESERVE it. You are one tough, loving mom. http://transplantedx3.wordpress.com/
I look forward to a New Year in 2011, a year that you will be able to bring your son home from the hospital and enjoy having your family around. I wish your family the best and the beautiful, too. I’m rooting for you and one of your biggest fans!
Veronica Samuels 🙂
thanks for sharing. i know the feeling, somewhat. not being able to get pregnant was my problem, and it was very hard to see babies, and when i heard a child cry, i wanted to run over and hold them tight and maybe not give them back to their rightful owner. it got that bad. i feel blessed every single day now that i have my son. we love him so much it’s almost scary. i sometimes wonder if i love him too much, and i wonder if it’s b/c of my past and the struggle it took to have him. thanks again for sharing. my friend just lost her baby at 5 months pregnant, and i hope she gets to read your story.
Nikki,
Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts when you were going through infertility. I’m so glad that you did get your son. Look how far you have come. If your toughest problem is worrying about if you love him too much, then things aren’t so bad… 🙂 And, the fact that you are thinking about whether you love him too much (and by love him too much my interpretation is that you mean you love him so much that you think you may be overbearing?), then I know how resourceful you are, and that you will find a way to balance it all out.
So glad we met, and you sharing your infertility and IVF stories with me before I went through it all helped me and meant a lot. 🙂 I hope I can return the favor now to other moms and moms-to-be. You started a support chain!
Veronica Samuels 🙂
Oh, and one more thing…so sorry to hear about your friend’s pregnancy loss. I so wish there was a way to stop these things from happening. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help her through her tough time…
Veronica
thanks for sharing. i know the feeling, somewhat. not being able to get pregnant was my problem, and it was very hard to see babies, and when i heard a child cry, i wanted to run over and hold them tight and maybe not give them back to their rightful owner. it got that bad. i feel blessed every single day now that i have my son. we love him so much it’s almost scary. i sometimes wonder if i love him too much, and i wonder if it’s b/c of my past and the struggle it took to have him. thanks again for sharing. my friend just lost her baby at 5 months pregnant, and i hope she gets to read your story.
Nikki,
Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts when you were going through infertility. I’m so glad that you did get your son. Look how far you have come. If your toughest problem is worrying about if you love him too much, then things aren’t so bad… 🙂 And, the fact that you are thinking about whether you love him too much (and by love him too much my interpretation is that you mean you love him so much that you think you may be overbearing?), then I know how resourceful you are, and that you will find a way to balance it all out.
So glad we met, and you sharing your infertility and IVF stories with me before I went through it all helped me and meant a lot. 🙂 I hope I can return the favor now to other moms and moms-to-be. You started a support chain!
Veronica Samuels 🙂
Thank you for sharing such a personal and reflective story, Veronica. I know how it feels – I too have experienced pregnancy loss, so I can identify with the heartbreak. I think you are a very strong and brave woman, someone your daughters will look up to and learn so much from. I wish you a blessed Christmas filled with love and happiness, and I hope the last couple of months of your pregnancy are comfortable and boring!
Kirsten
Thanks, Kirsten!
I hope the rest of the pregnancy is boring, too! ha ha! Merry Christmas to you and your family, too!!!! 🙂 And, I look forward to your post on Monday!! 🙂
Veronica Samuels 🙂
Thank you for sharing such a personal and reflective story, Veronica. I know how it feels – I too have experienced pregnancy loss, so I can identify with the heartbreak. I think you are a very strong and brave woman, someone your daughters will look up to and learn so much from. I wish you a blessed Christmas filled with love and happiness, and I hope the last couple of months of your pregnancy are comfortable and boring!
Kirsten
Thanks, Kirsten!
I hope the rest of the pregnancy is boring, too! ha ha! Merry Christmas to you and your family, too!!!! 🙂 And, I look forward to your post on Monday!! 🙂
Veronica Samuels 🙂
We are so happy for you and your husband! Happy Christmas!
Thank you, Asta! 🙂
Veronica Samuels
That was simply beautiful. If I am completely honest, I am still envious of pregnant women. Despite having a healthy pregnancy with Caleb after Elijah died. I always thought I would have one more baby. Then I met the true love if my life and he is unable to conceive and more importantly, doesn’t want additional children. So, I have come to terms with it but deep in my heart, it still hurts.
Margie,
Thanks for sharing your experience. It’s tough, but I’m coming to terms with having two children. I always wanted 3, maybe even four. I love kids, too! But, with two, I can give them a different kind of life. We can travel more and show them the world, something that wouldn’t be as practical with a larger family, and something that my husband and I both really enjoy doing together. And simply, I can just give them more attention. It may all be ok after all. 🙂
Veronica Samuels 🙂
That was simply beautiful. If I am completely honest, I am still envious of pregnant women. Despite having a healthy pregnancy with Caleb after Elijah died. I always thought I would have one more baby. Then I met the true love if my life and he is unable to conceive and more importantly, doesn’t want additional children. So, I have come to terms with it but deep in my heart, it still hurts.
Margie,
Thanks for sharing your experience. It’s tough, but I’m coming to terms with having two children. I always wanted 3, maybe even four. I love kids, too! But, with two, I can give them a different kind of life. We can travel more and show them the world, something that wouldn’t be as practical with a larger family, and something that my husband and I both really enjoy doing together. And simply, I can just give them more attention. It may all be ok after all. 🙂
Veronica Samuels 🙂
Hi Veronica,
I love your new blog!!
But I’m so sorry about your past story.TT
I hope you stay healthy!
Happy healthy new year!!
Jin
Jin,
Great to hear from you, and thank you for checking out World Moms Blog! I’m doing well, and I wish you a happy and healthy new year, too!
Veronica Samuels 🙂