Was it Tom Petty who said it? Waiting is the hardest part. I am quite good at waiting. Waiting to get pregnant, that is.
The first time around it was over 2 years. All of the failed attempts were so difficult; living life in two-week increments became the norm—first, waiting to ovulate and then waiting and hoping to see that elusive second line on the home pregnancy test. I lived this way for nearly a year with no luck, and then pursued fertility treatments with a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) for a little more than the next year.
My husband and I learned all about the alphabet soup of making a baby: IUI, IVF (with or without ICSI) and PGD were all things we had to consider. I have no problem speaking in acronyms with my RE or ObGyn anymore (see what I did there!?). It seemed the whole world was getting pregnant, I couldn’t walk to the subway station in the morning without seeing at least 8-10 baby bumps (yes, I counted).
First step at the RE was IUI (think turkey baster ). We tried nine IUI cycles which took a little over a year’s time. One chemical pregnancy, and no other success, we decided it was time to move forward onto IVF (sperm meets egg in a petri dish—very romantic). It took us a very long time to agree about pursuing IVF. I was always on board, because it seemed to be the most efficient method of getting pregnant; my husband had a more difficult time philosophically.
He spent a long time considering his views about the creation of life in a lab and mostly about his comfort level messing with the process. He finally agreed and we started. Six weeks later . . . BINGO, I was pregnant on our first IVF attempt and we were even able to store three embryos in the freezer to grow our family later on–very lucky girl! Next, we waited to see whether I was pregnant with one or two little darlings.
Much to our surprise at the first ultrasound, there were three little blinking heartbeats in there—babies A, B, and C—turns out, one of the embryos divided into a set of identical twins. While we were thrilled and terrified, the doctors were not happy with the risk associated with a triplet pregnancy, especially where an identical twin set was involved. From the beginning, we were prepared for the possibility that this would not end well for all or some of these little ones. I was completely numb and didn’t really have any emotion about potentially having three babies at one time.
I ultimately lost the twin set at around 9 weeks but remained pregnant with one embryo—Baby B-my little guy, Chase. In the midst of all this I developed a rare complication from the IVF medication which resulted in several blood clots in some major veins in my neck. I had to inject blood thinners twice a day for the rest of the pregnancy to protect myself from a pulmonary embolism and protect the baby from a blood clot in the umbilical cord.
As I reflect on all of this, I realize how stressful it was, but at the time I was so focused on keeping appointments and trying to keep my medical life under wraps at work, I didn’t dwell on the details. Once the clots were diagnosed and managed, I had an uneventful pregnancy and a fabulous delivery—with only three pushes, nine minutes later—Chase was born!
The first year of his life was the greatest of mine. After Chase’s first birthday, we decided to try for baby number two. We were hopeful that it would be less of a struggle the second time around, but it hasn’t been the case. We’ve been on the fertility merry-go-round for the past 20 months. We used two of our frozen embryos (affectionately known in our house as the totsicles ) and have gotten pregnant “spontaneously” once (although I can tell you there was nothing spontaneous about achieving that pregnancy!).
I have had two miscarriages resulting in D&C’s both times. With one pregnancy I was more than 10.5 weeks along and had seen and heard the baby’s heart beating twice on ultrasound. My husband and I have had a full work up of testing, and it all comes back fine. So what now? With an official medical diagnosis of “bad luck” we just keep trying. I am committed to being a mom again and am willing to do whatever it takes to achieve that dream.
In the beginning of the quest for my second child, I was able to deal with the failed attempts and the losses pretty well. I was sad, but thankful for the family that I have and for the fact that we are all healthy and love each other. I didn’t want to sound greedy and pity myself over an early miscarriage or two. But now, as the months turn to years, and all of my friends are having their second and third babies I’m starting to feel the strain of the grief.
Recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility are very lonely and isolating problems, and they are not really a subject that is discussed in polite company, after all. I grieve for all of the estimated due dates that never turned into birthdays for my children. I’m sad for the fact that I will never truly enjoy the first moment I realize I am pregnant because I know all too well that pregnancy doesn’t always work out the way you planned.
I wonder how much longer I can handle this gracefully and smile though pregnancy announcements (even those on Facebook are a killer sometimes), buying new baby gifts for friends and the myriad of baby bumps that are staring me in the face again (they only get to me when I want one for myself, I guess!). While I am truly happy for people I love getting pregnant, it highlights my own struggles and that part makes me sad.
I want another child for myself, sure, but mostly I want one for Chase. I want to see him bounding down the hallway in the maternity wing wearing his brand new “big brother” tee shirt and sitting with me in the hospital bed to meet his new sibling. I want him to have the special relationship that only siblings share.
I also want another baby for my husband who is such a great dad. It’s back to IVF for us in the new year. We will use our last embryo and keep our fingers crossed that this little one is our golden egg (pun intended!). I do believe that I will be a mom to another baby, I’m just finding it hard waiting . . . . again.
Do you have any words of encouragement for Allison or can you relate to her journey?
This is an original World Moms Blog post by Allison Charleston of New York, USA.
Photocredit of woman waiting to http://www.flickr.com/photos/w00kie/225861208/. This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
Allison, what a merry-go-round this has been for you. I cannot imagine what this must be like for you. I have a friend who has been through all of these procedures you describe – after four years of failed attempts to conceive, she and her husband are now looking at adoption. She has described the physical and emotional roller coaster involved in all of this. I am so glad you have your Chase, and I am thinking happy baby thoughts for you and your husband and your golden egg.
Kirsten
Thanks, Kirsten! It has been a lot to handle, it helps to share the story. I count myself lucky that I was able to have a biological child and consider that a major victory in the hard-fought battle against infertility. My husband and I have not really discussed adoption but it is something that I keep in the back of my mind as a distinct possibility. Good luck to your friend in her quest for a baby!
Allison,
Thank you for sharing your story. I really hope that mothers and mothers-to-be that can relate to your experience will feel less alone in the world through your words. I’ve been there, too, and it’s a struggle.
I’m sending lots of positive successful pregnancy vibes your way for this new year!!! I’m rooting for you!
Veronica Samuels 🙂
I hope so too! I remember reading your blog posts when I was going through my most recent loss and it made me feel a little less alone in it all, so thank you also! Thanks for the support, it means a lot. Here’s to hoping that 2011 is our year . . .
Allison – I am sending you good, sticky pregnancy vibes in the new year with your magic egg. Thank you for sharing this story. You are right that it isn’t something people discuss openly, yet I have several friends who are struggling with this, and I know if they read your story, it will help them feel they are not alone. So I will pass it on. BTW – one of my close friends who recently had 2 miscarriages also had 16 pregnant friends and acquanintances in the midst of it all. 16! You want to be happy for everyone, but my goodness. Hang in there!
Thanks for your support, it helps to talk about it and share the story!
Allison – What stuck with me from your piece was “I grieve for all of the estimated due dates that never turned into birthdays for my children.” Made me so sad – I just can’t imagine 🙁
I’ll be sending relaxing, peaceful, calming, baby-making energy your way for the new year!
Yes, my most recent loss would have been born next week. That is probably what has this at the forefront of my mind lately. I was hoping to be pregnant again before the due date arrived, but at least I’ll be pursing an IVF cycle so I feel as if I’m doing something to help my sadness, you know? Plus, I have two friends who will have babies next week (scheduled c-sections) so that is also highlighting the loss for me, I think.
Allison, this was such a heartfelt narrative about your journey. You left me teary eyed. I’m beyond impressed at your strength and thoughtfulness in your decisions. However your family grows, you’re all so very lucky to have each other with you at the “lead!” I have no words of wisdom. At all. Just sending you all of the mojo that I’ve got! 🙂
Thanks, this post has been a long time coming and brewing in my mind for almost 2 years! I’m glad to have written it and put it ‘out there’ thanks for the support. We will be staring our next frozen cycle in the next few days–transfer to be sometime in January. Will be soaking in all the positive vibes I can get!
Allison, this was such a heartfelt narrative about your journey. You left me teary eyed. I’m beyond impressed at your strength and thoughtfulness in your decisions. However your family grows, you’re all so very lucky to have each other with you at the “lead!” I have no words of wisdom. At all. Just sending you all of the mojo that I’ve got! 🙂
As a mother who has experienced a neonatal loss, two miscarriages, (and a regretted teenage abortion) my heart hurts for you. Truly, I hope this is your year for a new baby.
Thanks, Margie. It means a lot to hear that!
Thank you for sharing your story. I too had a miscarriage. It took four months of trying to get pregnant with my first child and when we decided to try for #2 I got pregnant right away. But truthfully I knew I would not carry that baby to term. Something inside me just knew that I’d wake up one morning with the sight of blood. I tried not to think about that but for whatever reason I knew that was going to happen to me. Low and behold it did. I was seven weeks along with my 2nd baby and I went to the bathroom and there was blood. I am crying just typing this. It was so emotionally devastating. I too had counted out when my due date would be. We went to the emergency room that night as I was having cramps from the miscarriage. I had the opportunity to say good-bye to the baby I would never meet.
A few weeks after my miscarriage I saw the movie Cold Mountain at a friends house. I left her house in tears because Nicole Kidman’s character got pregnant her first time having intercourse. I cried the whole drive home. Plus it didn’t help that my older sister gets pregnant at the drop of a hat so why was I having issues?
Five months after my miscarriage I got pregnant with my lovely (now) 2-year-old daughter. She is my pride and joy! We had my 11 week appointment with her to hear the baby’s heartbeat. My husband was there holding my hand and… nothing. No sound. I, naturally, started to cry. My doctor said we’d wait a week and run the test again. Worst week of my life! Waiting, waiting, waiting. I went back on Valentine’s Day to hear the heartbeat. What a miracle… there it was, thumping away!!
I hope and pray for you that your miracle #2 will come for you in 2011. Apparently, according to numerology #11 is quite a lucky number so focus on the positive!! Hugs to you!!
Thanks Courtney! These losses really stick with us, huh? You are surely blessed with your two girls, I’m hoping that 2011 is our year. New year, new decade, new luck. I appreciate the support and thanks for the tip about numerology, I didn’t know that. 😉
Thank you for sharing your story. I too had a miscarriage. It took four months of trying to get pregnant with my first child and when we decided to try for #2 I got pregnant right away. But truthfully I knew I would not carry that baby to term. Something inside me just knew that I’d wake up one morning with the sight of blood. I tried not to think about that but for whatever reason I knew that was going to happen to me. Low and behold it did. I was seven weeks along with my 2nd baby and I went to the bathroom and there was blood. I am crying just typing this. It was so emotionally devastating. I too had counted out when my due date would be. We went to the emergency room that night as I was having cramps from the miscarriage. I had the opportunity to say good-bye to the baby I would never meet.
A few weeks after my miscarriage I saw the movie Cold Mountain at a friends house. I left her house in tears because Nicole Kidman’s character got pregnant her first time having intercourse. I cried the whole drive home. Plus it didn’t help that my older sister gets pregnant at the drop of a hat so why was I having issues?
Five months after my miscarriage I got pregnant with my lovely (now) 2-year-old daughter. She is my pride and joy! We had my 11 week appointment with her to hear the baby’s heartbeat. My husband was there holding my hand and… nothing. No sound. I, naturally, started to cry. My doctor said we’d wait a week and run the test again. Worst week of my life! Waiting, waiting, waiting. I went back on Valentine’s Day to hear the heartbeat. What a miracle… there it was, thumping away!!
I hope and pray for you that your miracle #2 will come for you in 2011. Apparently, according to numerology #11 is quite a lucky number so focus on the positive!! Hugs to you!!
Thanks Courtney! These losses really stick with us, huh? You are surely blessed with your two girls, I’m hoping that 2011 is our year. New year, new decade, new luck. I appreciate the support and thanks for the tip about numerology, I didn’t know that. 😉