When I was a little girl, I LOVED Wonder Woman. While I didn’t have a fancy Wonder Woman costume, I did have Wonder Woman Underoos. I remember imitating Wonder Woman (aka Linda Carter) as I watched the TV….I would spin around and pretend that I, too, had turned into Wonder Woman.
I would take “super” jumps off the couch onto the living room floor and use my makeshift masking tape wrist cuffs to ward off flying bullets. If only it was that easy to become such a strong, beautiful and powerful woman!
So what made me think of Wonder Woman? I was laying in bed a couple of weeks ago because I was sick with a fever, and I could hear my husband juggling the responsibilities associated with having two kids under age five. I wasn’t really able to fully rest and nap – as I was encouraged and supposed to do – because I wanted to get up and help him. Even though I was physically tired and felt awful, I also, for some reason, felt guilty for not being able to carry out my motherly duties.
As I think back on this, I ask myself, why do moms have the innate sense to feel that they need to be a sort of Wonder Woman that meets everyone needs? And while my children come first, shouldn’t I come first some times? Why do we always seem to put everyone else’s needs before our own? Is that just part of being a mother?
After I had my first child, it took me a while to realize that my life had been reset to a new state of “normal”. I remember sitting in my boss’s office one day after I went back to work from maternity leave apologizing for not having a regular schedule, as I did prior to leave. I explained that it was taking me a bit to get the baby on a schedule (how naive I was!).
My boss (did I mention she is an experienced working mom?) smiled at me and told me that it was okay. She said, “Eva, your life will not be the same as it was before you had a baby. You will not be able to do everything you did before or do things in the same way. And, that is okay.”
What?! Not be able to do everything I did before? I am the type of person who likes to give everything she does 110% effort. What did she mean by that? I can also be such a control freak…I felt like those words could certainly not apply to me. I told myself that eventually things WOULD go back to the way they were before…they had to. I couldn’t live with the unpredictable schedule for the rest of my life – it felt like chaos!
Well, the laugh’s on me because that state of chaos lasted about three years!
Here I am four years later, feeling tired and sleep deprived and my boss’s sage advice is ringing in my ears – she was right. It has been eight months since my second daughter was born, and I’m still getting used to yet another new state of “normal”. (The funny thing is that on most mornings, the person who gets our schedule a little off track is not the baby, but my four-year old daughter! I find myself saying “let’s hustle” and “no more dilly-dallying” on those mornings that are moving a bit behind schedule.)
On most mornings, I make it into my office by 9 AM after dropping the girls off at childcare. If it’s a rough morning (today was one of those), it’s more like 9:30 AM. I’ve learned not to schedule any meetings or conference calls before 10 AM. 🙂 I’ve also learned to not beat myself up over variations in the morning schedule on work days – my girls come first. Work will still be there, no matter what time I get in.
I may just end up making the time up in other ways – no lunch break, staying a little bit later, or catching up on some things from home after the girls are asleep. I just hope the other people in my office (those early birds there by 8 AM who don’t have children) aren’t rolling their eyes and thinking to themselves, “Oh look, Eva finally rolled in!”
So, maybe a lot of moms are like Wonder Woman…putting other people’s needs before their own. I remember attending a work-related conference (before having my first child) where Dr. Marilyn Hughes Gaston, a keynote speaker, made an analogy between taking care of yourself and flight safety instructions.
“Adult passengers are instructed to put their own oxygen masks before assisting other passengers or children.” She said if you don’t do this, your child will be next to you saying “Mommy, mommy, I need you!” while you are passed out next to them. At the time, I remember laughing with most of the audience, but now I realize how much sense it makes.
Well, if nothing else comes of this post, it has made me realize that I am overdue for a little rest and relaxation. Hmmm…..do you think Wonder Woman will let me borrow her invisible jet, so I can zoom off to a tropical island for a few hours? I’d like to lie and sun myself on a white sandy beach, take a nap in a hammock under a palm tree, swim in sparkling blue water and sip the types of drinks that have little umbrellas in them. Oh yeah – and I need to be back by 5 PM to pick up the girls at childcare.
Are you a mother who struggles with balancing work and motherhood? Do you feel like you can still do as much as you did before having children?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Eva Fannon. Eva can be found on Twitter @evafannon.
Photo credit to Eva Fannon.
I so relate, Eva! I have a 5 year old and 9 month old, and the planning it takes to leave the house some days is mind boggling. I joke with my husband that it’s like packing for a campout everyday. And my 5 year old is definitely the hold up….not the baby.
I also understand your comments about feeling like you need to take care of everyone. Even when I schedule my personal time out, I still feel this pull to get back home to help.
Lastly, I am a stay at home mom, and I have such HUGE respect for you as a working mom who juggles it all and manages to get out the door looking professional. You may feel like you are a rolling circus, but you are rolling, and that’s impressive.
That’s funny Tara – it is like packing for a campout! Especially Monday mornings, when I need to pack all the girls’ “stuff” for the week for childcare (blankets, sheets, extra clean clothes, rain gear, etc.)
As for getting out the door looking professional…ha ha ha. I make sure my kids look clean and cute from head to toe – sometimes that means there is not enough time for me, so I may actually walk out the door without make-up and/or wet and unstyled hair. Good think the work environment is so more laid-back here in Seattle than it is on the east coast, otherwise I would be in trouble! 🙂
Eva, I can totally relate to this! I too am a working mom of two kids, and I don’t think there is a day where I don’t, at some point, feel kind of overwhelmed by all that I have going on. I *try* to do all I did B.C. (Before Children) but there’s always something that has to be foregone, and it is always something that would be for myself.
I too feel that I have to take care of everyone at all times, and whenever I do something for myself I feel intensely guilty. Hell, I can’t even get out for a run without first giving myself a pep talk about how the exercise keeps me sane and makes me a better mom.
Kirsten
Kirsten – I love your B.C. reference 🙂 I used to try to do all I did BC, but I just don’t try as hard anymore so I won’t get disappointed. Sadly, one of those things is running, and I think I will have to make a new year’s resolution about that one because when I do squeeze a run in, as you say, it keeps me sane and makes me a better mom too!
Eva, I can totally relate to this! I too am a working mom of two kids, and I don’t think there is a day where I don’t, at some point, feel kind of overwhelmed by all that I have going on. I *try* to do all I did B.C. (Before Children) but there’s always something that has to be foregone, and it is always something that would be for myself.
I too feel that I have to take care of everyone at all times, and whenever I do something for myself I feel intensely guilty. Hell, I can’t even get out for a run without first giving myself a pep talk about how the exercise keeps me sane and makes me a better mom.
Kirsten
Kirsten – I love your B.C. reference 🙂 I used to try to do all I did BC, but I just don’t try as hard anymore so I won’t get disappointed. Sadly, one of those things is running, and I think I will have to make a new year’s resolution about that one because when I do squeeze a run in, as you say, it keeps me sane and makes me a better mom too!
Eva, great post! I worked for about six months after my son was born and it was TOUGH!! That was with only one kid at home, kudos to you! Sounds like you had a very smart and understanding woman as a boss, I totally envy that. My bosses were all men or childless women and they made the work-life balance unbearable at times! Love the point about the oxygen masks, so true we should all remember that! Thanks for sharing. 🙂
I do feel lucky to have smart and understanding women bosses – without that, the work-life balance would be impossible (especially with my husband’s demonading job) and I think I would be a stay-at-home mom right now.
What an excellent post RE: Balance! We all strive for it and know that it’s “right.” But damn. It’s hard to achieve. (And maintain!) Thanks for putting the issue on the table. it’s one that we all need to be reminded of overandoverandover again. Love the Wonder Woman image! I’m sure you totally rocked the spin and TA-DA move! 😉
Galit – the balance is achievable at times, but you’re right, it’s damn hard to maintain! We might just need to have a quarterly “Mother’s Day” to serve as a reminder of a) the great job we as mothers are doing, and b) the need to take care of ourselves. 🙂
What an excellent post RE: Balance! We all strive for it and know that it’s “right.” But damn. It’s hard to achieve. (And maintain!) Thanks for putting the issue on the table. it’s one that we all need to be reminded of overandoverandover again. Love the Wonder Woman image! I’m sure you totally rocked the spin and TA-DA move! 😉
Galit – the balance is achievable at times, but you’re right, it’s damn hard to maintain! We might just need to have a quarterly “Mother’s Day” to serve as a reminder of a) the great job we as mothers are doing, and b) the need to take care of ourselves. 🙂
I felt like I just read the voices in my head. I can totally relate to the guilt! I have to give myself daily pep-talks on why self-care is important. But I still don’t do it. I wish my BC self knew how lucky she was to have nobody to take care of but herself! I can’t believe I was ever stressed out back then.
No kidding! I sometimes envy my BC co-workers who get to go to the gym after work, or just go home and read a book, watch some TV, or just stare at the wall with nothing but peace and quiet 🙂
I felt like I just read the voices in my head. I can totally relate to the guilt! I have to give myself daily pep-talks on why self-care is important. But I still don’t do it. I wish my BC self knew how lucky she was to have nobody to take care of but herself! I can’t believe I was ever stressed out back then.
No kidding! I sometimes envy my BC co-workers who get to go to the gym after work, or just go home and read a book, watch some TV, or just stare at the wall with nothing but peace and quiet 🙂
Great post – time to one self is just so important, but very difficult to get time for… When my wee lad was born I spent all my time looking after him and the house, and then I came across a method called “EASY”: Eat, Activity, Sleep, You, and it was a schedule that actually ment that I could have some time to myself, without feeling guilty about it! 🙂
I like the “Y” in “EASY” Asta 🙂 I think that just as I schedule time for my girls to do ballet, swimming, etc, I just need to schedule time on my calendar that is just for me!
Eva,
I was a BIG fan of Wonder Woman, too, as a kid! I loved your post. I’m a stay-at-home mom, but I can definitely relate to not being able to do what you could before having kids! You captured it well!
Veronica Samuels 🙂
Thanks Veronica!
Eva,
I was a BIG fan of Wonder Woman, too, as a kid! I loved your post. I’m a stay-at-home mom, but I can definitely relate to not being able to do what you could before having kids! You captured it well!
Veronica Samuels 🙂
Thanks Veronica!
Well, I have a little bit of good news for you, it will get easier as your girls get older. This was a great post and it reminded me of all those years where I juggled work and little ones. I had the added joy of being a single mother. Can I say again that I owe my mom the world. Anywho, good stuff, loved reading it!
Thanks Margie! When I find myself juggling, I always ask how single moms do it – my hat is off to you!!
Well, I have a little bit of good news for you, it will get easier as your girls get older. This was a great post and it reminded me of all those years where I juggled work and little ones. I had the added joy of being a single mother. Can I say again that I owe my mom the world. Anywho, good stuff, loved reading it!
Thanks Margie! When I find myself juggling, I always ask how single moms do it – my hat is off to you!!