Jason and I met on-line in 1999. You know, WAY back when it was still gaspworthy and new to do so. We were long distance for about a year while he finished up school in Wisconsin and I was teaching and grad-schooling in California. Did I make you gasp again with the whole older woman thing? I’m a surprise a minute, people.
Living three-hour-flights away from each other meant that we put in A LOT of phone time. I think our record was a nine-hour marathon. True story.
At the end of each and every day we would curl up in sweats and cozy blankets and just…talk. We talked about politics, religion, gourmet food, sex, movies, art.
What I’m really saying here is that we were SMART. We were intelligent, valuable members of society. And that was clear from our dialogues. Crystal clear.
Never in our wildest imaginations did we think that one day we would be just as comfortable talking about the latest book on our nightstand as we would be discussing constipation, spit up and any and all other bodily fluids. At the dinner table. Or the grocery store. Or the coffee shop. With strangers.
From that seemingly long ago, pre-kids time, I remember being a classroom teacher and having a “good rules” discussion with my students. An especially spunky, lovable first grader volunteered: “You should never EVER put your baby brother in a laundry basket and sled him down the stairs.” Indeed.
At the time I thought that his input was funny, for sure. And probably more than just slightly “Mmmkay” face-inducing. But today? Today I see those words for the oh-so-very wise advice that they are. Genius, really. Can you imagine my student’s mom making that family rule? And declaring it a LAW? With a straight face?
I so can.
Because so it goes. As parents we find things fascinating that no other population in the world would deem discussion worthy. Breastfeeding! Potty training! Sleep patterns! Oh my!
And when one Mama says, “All five of us slept together last night” or, “I offered him the boob” or even, “We were in the shower together” we all so get what she means.
As parents, we find ourselves saying words and phrases, giving orders and demands and asking and pleading for things that we never (Really and truly NEVER.) thought that we would.
I wouldn’t dream of changing any one of those words or the circumstances that led to them because they’re my most authentic Mama moments. Where my guard is down, nothing is for show and I’m just being a MOM.
But just for fun, I thought that we could visit a few of those little gems together. You know, for laughs. And giggles.
Are you game? Good. Here goes:
Best Words EVER from My House to Yours
10. No eating sand. Or Play Doh. Or paint!
9. Go back and say you’re sorry. For bumping into her. And pushing her. And sitting on her. We don’t sit on our friends.
8. What do you mean you lost your toothbrush?
7. Oh honey, I’m sorry! No clean clothes? Go take something out of the hamper.
6. No! We don’t put the potty seat on our head!
5. Please don’t lick the dog’s Kong (It’s a treat toy, people. A treat toy.).
4. I think someone’s poopy. Let me smell. Let me check. Let me see!
3. Okay, you go change him. Pull back his penis and don’t forget the butt paste.
2. Green beans don’t go on the floor. Or in your high chair. Or your EARS! Nothing really goes in your ears.
1. That’s fine. Go ahead and eat the Cheerio. From the floor. It’s just from this morning.
Sigh. Good, good times. Again, I wouldn’t change these moments for anything, really. But maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t be quite so LOUD about them.
But now that I have bared it all, I’m thinking that it’s your turn. Make my day and share your favorite Things Moms Say.
Don’t think too hard. You know just the right one. It’s right there on the tip of your tongue. The one where you uttered it, meant it and would say it again. In a heartbeat. The one that every single one of us can surprisingly, shockingly even, easily say, “Been there, done that” to.
But also the one where after the fact you did, for a second or so, look at the person next to you, half-ready to laugh hysterically and half-ready to crawl into a hole out of total and complete embarrassment.
What has come out of your Mama Mouth lately?
Photo credit attributed to Galit Breen.