Jason and I met on-line in 1999. You know, WAY back when it was still gaspworthy and new to do so. We were long distance for about a year while he finished up school in Wisconsin and I was teaching and grad-schooling in California. Did I make you gasp again with the whole older woman thing? I’m a surprise a minute, people.
Living three-hour-flights away from each other meant that we put in A LOT of phone time. I think our record was a nine-hour marathon. True story.
At the end of each and every day we would curl up in sweats and cozy blankets and just…talk. We talked about politics, religion, gourmet food, sex, movies, art.
What I’m really saying here is that we were SMART. We were intelligent, valuable members of society. And that was clear from our dialogues. Crystal clear.
Never in our wildest imaginations did we think that one day we would be just as comfortable talking about the latest book on our nightstand as we would be discussing constipation, spit up and any and all other bodily fluids. At the dinner table. Or the grocery store. Or the coffee shop. With strangers.
From that seemingly long ago, pre-kids time, I remember being a classroom teacher and having a “good rules” discussion with my students. An especially spunky, lovable first grader volunteered: “You should never EVER put your baby brother in a laundry basket and sled him down the stairs.” Indeed.
At the time I thought that his input was funny, for sure. And probably more than just slightly “Mmmkay” face-inducing. But today? Today I see those words for the oh-so-very wise advice that they are. Genius, really. Can you imagine my student’s mom making that family rule? And declaring it a LAW? With a straight face?
I so can.
Because so it goes. As parents we find things fascinating that no other population in the world would deem discussion worthy. Breastfeeding! Potty training! Sleep patterns! Oh my!
And when one Mama says, “All five of us slept together last night” or, “I offered him the boob” or even, “We were in the shower together” we all so get what she means.
As parents, we find ourselves saying words and phrases, giving orders and demands and asking and pleading for things that we never (Really and truly NEVER.) thought that we would.
I wouldn’t dream of changing any one of those words or the circumstances that led to them because they’re my most authentic Mama moments. Where my guard is down, nothing is for show and I’m just being a MOM.
But just for fun, I thought that we could visit a few of those little gems together. You know, for laughs. And giggles.
Are you game? Good. Here goes:
Best Words EVER from My House to Yours
10. No eating sand. Or Play Doh. Or paint!
9. Go back and say you’re sorry. For bumping into her. And pushing her. And sitting on her. We don’t sit on our friends.
8. What do you mean you lost your toothbrush?
7. Oh honey, I’m sorry! No clean clothes? Go take something out of the hamper.
6. No! We don’t put the potty seat on our head!
5. Please don’t lick the dog’s Kong (It’s a treat toy, people. A treat toy.).
4. I think someone’s poopy. Let me smell. Let me check. Let me see!
3. Okay, you go change him. Pull back his penis and don’t forget the butt paste.
2. Green beans don’t go on the floor. Or in your high chair. Or your EARS! Nothing really goes in your ears.
1. That’s fine. Go ahead and eat the Cheerio. From the floor. It’s just from this morning.
Sigh. Good, good times. Again, I wouldn’t change these moments for anything, really. But maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t be quite so LOUD about them.
But now that I have bared it all, I’m thinking that it’s your turn. Make my day and share your favorite Things Moms Say.
Don’t think too hard. You know just the right one. It’s right there on the tip of your tongue. The one where you uttered it, meant it and would say it again. In a heartbeat. The one that every single one of us can surprisingly, shockingly even, easily say, “Been there, done that” to.
But also the one where after the fact you did, for a second or so, look at the person next to you, half-ready to laugh hysterically and half-ready to crawl into a hole out of total and complete embarrassment.
What has come out of your Mama Mouth lately?
This has been an original post to World Moms Blog by Galit Breen of Minnesota, USA. Check out Galit’s profile on our Writer’s Page or check out her last World Moms Blog post Mom FAIL Moments.
Photo credit attributed to Galit Breen.
You had me laughing out loud! Probably because I so recognise myself there and you are reminding me that I do seem to be living in a world parallell to the one I used to live in before kids! I especially felt that no 7 applies to me, I used to think that I would never were stained clothes, and I would never ever let my wee lad were stained (or unmatching) clothes… oh well… now I just pretend I don’t notice! 🙂
Hi Asta! Thanks so much for the nice note! I *know* exactly what you mean- I never thought I’d be so fuzzy in my definition of clean clothes!!
I love this list…especially number 4. that is something I always do and say 🙂
Oh me, too lady. Me, too! Gross, but necessary. 🙂 Thanks so much for the note!
LOL in fact< Galit, I so LOL I nearly cried.
OK, here goes…from this week…
1. Do not pee in the water-pistol.
2. Quick, wipe up the weetbix: before it sets.
3. You DID NOT clean up your lego I just found some in your brother's poo.
4. Penis Rule Number 2: Do not wave it in anyone's face. Ever. (I think I got the idea of penis-rules from faemom, here on wordpress.)
5. Don't worry about undies, just go commando.
OMG, I so love that these examples were from this *week!* Who would have ever thought that we’d need penis rules?! 🙂 Thanks so much for the note!
Ok, he pooped in the tub again. Everybody out.
Nudey butt! Nudey butt!
Seatbelts! So we can be safe! Vamanos! Lo hicimos! And any other Dora phrase that fits.
Been there, done that with ALL of those! (Ugh! The bathtub– shockingly common!) Thanks so much for the comment! 🙂
Hysterical and so true!! I have many of these gems, too!! Will try to write more when I have time.
Hi Maggie! Thanks so much for the note! 🙂
While sitting on the computer one night I overheard Dan explain to the boys…”No, no NO! We NEVER wipe our poop on the walls!”
That Dan is a wise, wise man. (As my 20-year-old self screams Eeeewwww!) Thanks so much for the note, Mama!
As a mom who was not going to buy (toy) guns for my kids:
“No guns at the dinner table”
And then once we all got hooked on nerf gun battles (we so caved on this one).
“No shooting people in the head”
Oh gosh, this sounds awful when I type it 😉
Oh I so hear you Jen! We were going to be a no guns, no Barbie household. FAIL on both! I promise, no judging! Thanks so much for the note!
Too funny! Some phrases that have come out of my mouth are:
1) You may not pick anyone’s nose other than your own (don’t judge – desperate times call for desperate measures!)
2) No, I will not scratch your bum. You can scratch your own ass.
3) Play with your penis on your own time, not while I’m trying to get you to brush your teeth.
4) That Magic Marker had better come off the computer monitor!
5) No! Don’t eat the Playdough! Don’t eat the Playdough! Don’t swallow it! Don’t swa – ahh, what the hell, at least I’ll know what’s happened if your poop comes out yellow.
Kirsten
Oh Kirsten! Not judging at all, but seriously girl? You win. Thanks for the note, Mama! 🙂
Hilarious as always. Nice job. Just this morning I said the following, “If your fart comes out quickly, it’s okay. But if you have to push and push to get it out, then it’s not a fart, it’s a poop, and you have to do that on the toilet. Okay?” That was after I discovered MAJOR skidmarks in my daughter’s underpants.
Eeeewwww! Such good advice but eeeewwww! 🙂 Thanks for the nice note, Kally- amazing compliment from you!
“I can’t breast-feed you while you’re talking on your cellphone.” (It’s a toy one)
Oh that’s priceless!! Thanks so much for the note!
Galit, fantastic post, I had to go and get a tissue I was crying of laughter so much. Beautiful comments lol. Once upon a time I think I was “smart” too 😉
Oh, let’s still be smart together, shall we?! Thanks for the note, sweet lady!
Fact check: “..curl up in sweats…” False – I do not wear sweats.
Babe, jammies just don’t have the same ring now, do they? XO
Galit,
I love all of these!!! All day I’ve been thinking of something good. I’m still suffering from pregnancy brainitis!!!! My mind is like jello. ahhhh!!!!
Great post!
Veronica Samuels 🙂
Thank you so much, Veronica!! And I think you get a pregnancy brain pass! 🙂
How about, ” Don’t ever stuff chicken up your nose again!”
About the kong, if it was filled with peanut butter, who could resist that?
Hi there, Mama! About the chicken? Good one. Talk things over with Kirsten to see who wins. And about the peanut butter? I know. Believe me, I know! Thanks so very much for the note!
Galit – I can’t get enough of your posts! My favorite momma utterances:
No love head butts
No sticking your penis in the heating vents
No peeing in the waste baskets
I never thought I would need to he thus specific with rules, but with 2 boys, I am learning everything must be specified.
Tara, hi! Thanks so much for your kind words, they mean so much to me! And as for specific rules- I know! Who knew we’d need them? And who knew that so many of them would have to do with penises?! 🙂
Loved this post Galit – you had me laughing out loud too! I know 1,4 and 7 have all been said in our home over the past week…in addition to “We don’t stick boogies on the wall, we use tissues” and “After you go poopies, you need to keep wiping your bum until the paper is clean!”
Eva, hi! Thanks so much for the note, and the laugh- both are very much appreciated! Our poor walls. Who knew they’d get so much abuse?! 🙂