My little lad is almost one year old, my maternity leave is over, and the paternity leave will be over in a month. So, after lots of “to-ing and fro-ing”, we decided to apply for a nursery.
Although many parents decide to stay at home, it is also quite common here for both parents to go back to work when the child is one. However, this article is not meant to start a discussion as to whether or not a one year old is ready to go to nursery, as that would be a whole separate article in its own right.
In Norway the government has introduced a policy called “Full Nursery/Kindergarten Coverage” – meaning that all children who wish should get a space in nursery (at a reasonable price) from the time they are one year old.
One of the reasons for this is so that parents would not have to take on child minders they don’t necessarily know and find other temporary solutions to child minding.
This sounds great doesn’t it?
However, then we read the small print: A child is entitled to a space in nursery from the August after the child turns one. So, our boy, who was born in January, is not entitled to a space in a nursery until he is 1,5 years old. (If you have a child born in September, you are not entitled to a nursery space until your child is almost 2!)
Some parents are lucky enough to get a space as not all nurseries are full, but in our borough there are currently long waiting lists. And, we have been told by the council that there is basically no chance of us getting anything until August.
So what do we do?
We only get one year parental leave, the government understands that it can be problematic finding a child minder. They say that they have solved this issue, but they haven’t really. They have just created a strange rule, and now they say that they comply with that rule, which makes it sound like the problem is solved.
We had 2 months to find an alternative solution. (Quitting work is not an option.) After searching the internet and calling different nurseries and calling the council, we were left with only one solution: we needed to get a child minder.
Ok, well that sounds easy enough, but how do you find a child minder that you trust, and that you feel comfortable leaving your little baby with? (I know – you could argue that if I don’t feel ready to leave my baby, then I shouldn’t. But, as I mentioned earlier – this isn’t an option for us at the moment.) So we had to find a child minder, but they were all busy!
Of course they are, with the lack of nurseries in Oslo and lack of other options (for instance, the little lad’s grandparents refused to take early retirement only to be babysitting for the next six months — I already checked with them!) ,the child minders are bound to be in popular demand.
Luckily, we finally came across one lady who was free, and our first reaction was, “What is wrong with this one, as she is the only child minder in the area that is available?” However, after meeting with her and checking her references (it turned out she used to mind my nephew a couple of years ago), we are quite happy that we finally have somebody we can trust to look after our little baby.
(Oh, and I forgot to mention that the government actually gives us about $500 a month in support if they can’t provide us with a place in a nursery and any additional child minding fees we have are tax-deductible.)
Anyway – so you would have thought that all my problems were over. I thought so. I was so ready to just sit down and relax and feel happy about sorting everything out, when suddenly this wave of guilt came over me. “What kind of mother am I, who with leave my baby boy with a stranger all from 8am to 4pm five days a week? And, why is it that I feel that working is important?”
So, now I feel guilty not only about leaving him with the child minder, but I also feel guilty about the fact that I do not wish to quit work. Will I spend the rest of my life feeling guilty and not good enough?
As my husband is at home at the moment, it is he the little lad goes to when he is tired or upset for some reason. I am very happy that my son and his father have such a relationship, but it does hurt a little bit. I mean, I am his mummy. I should be able to fix everything and make him feel better!
But, how will I feel if the little lad starts to prefer the child minder to me? I guess I just have to get used to it, as he is his own little independent person. Although, he will always be my little baby 🙂
How easy or difficult is it to find child care in your home country?
This is an original World Moms Blog post by Asta Burrows in Oslo, Norway. Asta can be found on her Facebook Page or on Twitter @AstaBurrows.
Photo credit to http://www.flickr.com/photos/yodelanecdotal/3948301902/. This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
Fairly simple here in NZ, I think. We have a lot of in home child care now, so parents can match themselves and their parenting style with that of the minder. The minders can have up to four children each at home including their own. Plus there are lots of daycare type setups too. I had a friend with her own pre-schoolers look after our Hare when I went back to work for a while. I absolutely hear you on the emotional wrench. It’s hard.
I beg to differ! In NZ cities it can be quite hard finding child care for children under 2 years old (there are different rules for 2 and over – more children per teacher etc). I prefer centre-based childcare, for a number of reasons, and was on several waiting lists for centres near my work from the time I first knew I was pregnant until finally getting a place for #2 when he was 15 months old. By then I was already pregnant with #3, and I couldn’t get her a place until she was also about 15 months old, even though we already had a child at that centre. (And I was still on the waiting lists at other centres).
The guilt is intense, isn’t it? It helps me to know that my children love going there and have a great time – and their teachers adore them.
We actually started with a child minder two weeks ago, and yesterday the wee lad cried and kept pointing at the door after she had left. It felt very strange, as I was there surely he shouldn’t feel bad, but at the same time I felt strangely relieved as I am hoping it confirms that he has a good time when I am not there as well!
There are lots of day cares in and around the city; it is not really very difficult to find quality day cares here in urban India. But the glitch is that day care shuts down most often by early evening and for a working mom who works full time (until late evening) that poses a problem.
Governmental child care support is not even a thing i would start envying about in Norway 🙂 I am still not done envying the total post partum leave of one year 😉
Each parent acts according to his/her own circumstances and what is ideal for the self, child and family as a whole. Rock on 🙂
We have the same issue here with nurseries closing normally around 5pm at the latest I think so no overtime work for me anymore!
Wow, Asta! I’ve loved learning about leaves and day care support in Norway! It sounds so government hands-on in an amazingly great way!
As far as day care in MN, you’re pretty much on your own. And I think it can be TRICKY finding availability, care-taking style that’s a good fit and price all rolled into one!
Meanwhile, hang in there, lady! Those Mama guilts can be STRONG!
I am not sure I would call it “an amazingly great way” though! 🙂 We pay so much taxes, and I still had to go private (for now anyway…) I guess I am just spoiled 😉
We had lots of options for quality daycare in Texas. The government does not pay anything of course, but we pay a lot less in taxes to have them not involved and it works out quite well. I actually am finding it tougher now to drop her off at daycare then it was the first week! I think at first it was nice to be working again and having some adult interaction. Now I hate dropping her off with someone else for the majority of her awake time. Monday mornings are the worst!
Oh no – I was hoping I would get used to it! He seems happy though so I am hoping it is good for him! I did feel very guilty at the weekend though as my husband and I went to the cinema and left the wee lad with my parents… So we have been working all week, only seeing the lad 3-4 hours everynight, and then we go off to the cinema on the weekend leaving him yet again! And then it turned out to be a really boring film! 😉
Well, I did have a lot less time at home with my little one – just 12 weeks. I’ve heard for most people it gets easier.
I think as mothers, regardless of what we do, we will always feel guilty. There will be an adjustment period but your little lad will be ok in the end and most importantly, you will always be his mommy (or is it mum?) I am amazed at how behind the united states is to Europe in the area of maternity leave, most of my friends here in England have one year maternity leave (although paternity leave is only 2 weeks unlike Norway). It’s also interesting to hear how the government in Norway claims they “fixed” the problem of childcare when clearly there is a huge oversight re: the august thing. Bureaucracy!
Is is “mamma” actually, but in English it will probably be “mummy”, I am wondering which he will say first… I do hope this guilt will go away though! I have my sensible self saying that there is no need to feel that way, and before my son was born that’s what I would have told other people, but I am having a difficult time persuading myself to listen to myself!
Yes, isn’t it interesting that the problem is “fixed” – we were all a bit surprised when we did have problems, as we believed the gouvernemtn – but I guess it isn’t until you are in the situation that you actually start looking into the details!
I have a very idealized view of Norway’s maternity leaves. In U.S. it’s only 3 months off and only 6 weeks paid by employer. It’s truly awful. Alot of women go back to work and start looking for childcare when their baby is 3 months old. It’s common. I stayed home with my son and found an excellent private preschool for him. The poor get subsidized childcare in U.S. The rest do not get anything. We have a very bad system for such a huge number of women in the workforce.
Unfortunately it isn’t all good! Well, it depends on how you look at it. It is great to have the oppourtunity to take time off work without having to feel guilty about it (it is probably the only thing I haven’t felt guilty about!) – but there has just been a big debate in the media here about the impact the maternity leave is having on a woman’s career. I mean would you hire somebody in their mid-thirties who is likely to have a child? But then again I think that this “sacrifise” is so worth it!
Not only is there the bias that a woman may have a child but that she has a young child. Alot of women hide that they have young children at first at work. Because women are pretty much disposable in our workforce when they have children anyway. I guess that is why we still get hired in our child-bearing years.
wow – imagine having to hide that you have a child – it is just so much part of your life and who you are… I was thinking about this at work the other day, as I am starting to feel guilty when I have to take time off because the wee lad is ill (there has been a lot of that lately), but then I realised that at least where I work a lot of the fathers are off with sick kids as well, which I think is very good actually! (I only really started thinking about it when one of my meetings got cancelled because a guy had to stay at home with his child!)
Yet another time when the guilt factor kicks in….when you have to miss work with sick kiddos. Luckily I have understanding female bosses who are also moms 🙂
Oh yes, I feel another article coming on that subject, we have had the childminder for about 4 weeks now, and we have already had two rounds of sickness!
Hi Asta – here in Seattle finding infant care at a childcare center (because as others mention, we are usually at work 3 months after having a baby) is EXTREMELY difficult. Demand exceeds supply. You get on multiple waiting lists as soon as you know you are pregnant, and if you are very lucky, you will get into one of those childcare centers. I had the sibling priority edge this time around – usually if you already have a child in the center, you get bumped to the top of the waiting list when a sibling is born 🙂
And yes, they do get very attached to their caregivers, but that is natural at this age since they spend so much time with them (you mentioned you noticed this when your hubby was the caregiver on his leave). For me, it was a passing phase with my oldest. I’m still kind of in it with my youngest, but I do get a huge smile and quick crawling towards me when I go for lunch visits and arrive at pick-up time 🙂
As for the guilt factor of being a working mom…that is a post all by itself! I hear what you are saying, and you will likely feel guilty for a while. I am feeling even guiltier now with two kiddos and it’s been almost 5 years since the first…I’m sorry, I know, not much consolation. I think it’s a personal decision we each have to make depending on circumstances.
oh dear – will I have get over the guilt? 🙂 I am always glad to hear that I am not the only one feeling that way though! Seems that there are “problems/challenges” with child care all over the world really, we do get sibling priority here as well so hopefully it will all be easier if/when number two comes along.