My husband travels on business…A LOT. I don’t assume this is unusual nor that by reading this, you’ll feel sorry for me. It’s just the way the world seems to be going these days: as it grows smaller, so does the quality time we have to spend with family andΒ friends.
I used to see a great deal of my husband. When our daughter was born nearly five years ago, we lived in Washington, DC and we both had family friendly jobs. Most nights, we were home by 6 PM.
By the time our daughter was 10 months old, we had moved to Boston, I had stopped working and was home full-time with her while my husband attended business school.
He kept an erratic but flexible schedule. We would see a lot of him during the day and less when he had evening classes, once our daughter was in bed.
After graduate school, he took a job with a huge corporation in the Boston-area that touted work/life balance. We continued being spoiled by having him home for a family sit-down dinner every night at 6. Sure, many times he had to punch back on the clock later but we still had a fair amount of quality family time.
When our second child was born, however, my husband transferred to a start-up—a spin-off of his original company and some other big-hitters in the IT-world—and now we see very little of him.
His new company’s headquarters are in Texas and his boss is based in California. He travels almost every other week but even when he’s home, sometimes he’s at the office as late as 2am. I’m sure it’s hard on him but it’s really hard on us. OK, let’s be frank, it’s a total drag.
Single-parenting our two offspring in the high-touch phase of early childhood is not what I bargained for.
On a good day, when he’s in-town and I know he’ll be home before the kids go to bed, I’m usually fried by 4 o’clock. When he’s out-of-town all week, I pull out my survival guide and subsist, hour-by-hour.
Here’s what I’m learning to do:
- Relax more; when it’s just me, I try to let my kids be kids at the dinner table and find joy in the silliness of their youth.
- Pick fewer battles; closely related to #1, no one’s there for reinforcement so what’s the point? If the kids are fascinated by bubbles in their milk, let’s see who can make the foamiest cup!
- Prepare, prepare, prepare; this means laying out clothes the night before, packing lunches right after the kids go down (and before I sit down at the computer), showering at night, scheduling a sitter so I don’t have to miss out on planned events.
- Plan at least one evening with adults; whether a committee meeting, a family dinner over at a friend’s house or just grabbing a drink with a pal, you HAVE to have some adult-time
- Be more efficient with time; things like bathing the kids in the downstairs bathroom off the kitchen while I clean up from dinner, packing lunches and grinding coffee for the next morning; having super-quick breakfast options on hand that can be eaten on-the-go if needed, while we bundle up and head out the door for school.
- Exercise! The gym I go to is a family gym, not only do they have lots of classes for kids and adults, they also recognize that adults with kids need time for themselves so they offer complimentary childcare in 1.5 hour increments. I typically use this time to check in with my inner self and work out but there have been times when I’ve checked the kids in and used it to catch up on work, e-mails or even blogging. I call it exercising my right to some “me time.”
Here are some things I’m still working on:
- Getting to bed early; when my husband’s home, we both hoot with the owls, getting to bed at 11:30 or midnight. When he’s away, I have a huge, comfortable bed all to myself and one fewer person to help me with the morning routine or, God forbid, middle-of-the-night wakings. It would be REALLY smart if I made an effort to turn out the lights by 10:30.
- Staying in touch; it’s easy to slip into “military-wife” survival mode when my husband’s away but the truth is, he misses us too. We need to make a better effort to keep him present in our day-to-day, not just when he’s home on the weekends. It’s what Skype is for!
So it’s parenthood as usual around here; we’re just taking things one-step-at-a-time.
What are some of your coping mechanisms? What sorts of things do you do to get through a long day/week? Any suggestions?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Kyla P’an of Massachusetts, USA. Β Kyla can also be found on her blog, Growing Muses.
Photo credit attributed to sweetlove866
Gosh Kyla, that does make life more *interesting* for you. Craig’s not away alot, but I tend to go down the super-well organised route when he is. Bedtimes tend to be my trickiest when he’s away because we parent our kids to sleep. So I might be rocking the Butterfly in the buggy, while reading the Owl a story and shusshing the Hare while he tipped his lego all over our wooden floors…No ideas to add to your list – it sounds like you’ve got a plan that works well for you.
I don’t know that it works well but it keeps the cogs turning. Each trip (so about every two weeks) I fine-tune the routine a little more. One day soon, I hope I’ll have it down to a science (though I’d much rather have my husband back π
I have been going through the same thing recently (except I work full time as well), and have found that one thing certainly cannot change is the kids daily routine. It does by default in our house because daddy is the one who bathes and tells the bedtime story to our son, while I tend to the needs of the baby (I am still nursing her, so he can’t help with that :-)). By maintaining their routines, I find that they get to bed easier and allow me to get the dinner clean- up/prep for the next morning done earlier so that I can veg in front of the computer or tv. I will cheat sometimes, when I am particularly exhausted (but not too often) and let the kids sleep with me – that way we all fall asleep together. I also pick my battles, there’s nothing wrong with a little harmless fun…they will only be this age for a short time, so let them enjoy the bubbly milk!
Hats off to you though, it is not easy and the fact that you are holding it all together is amazing!
who says I’m holding it together (but thanks for your vote of confidence)?! I have vacillated about whether or not to go back to work for the past year and just can’t seem to figure out a way to make sense of it with my husband’s work and travel schedules. The amount of stress and juggling it would create just isn’t worth the short-term balance and gratification it might bring me. How do you manage with two working parents and a heavy travel schedule? Do you find time to connect, you and he? Sometimes, it really feels like we’re two ships passing in the night (but minding the same dinghies of course).
Great post, Kyla. Although my husband does not travel much, he does work a lot so I am often alone during with the girls. Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with the American way of life. I think you have great coping techniques – many that I apply myself. I am jealous that your gym has complimentary child care – all of the gyms in SF charge a fee which is almost equivalent to me hiring a sitter. I believe that excercise is necessary for my mind and body. I have finally carved out a spot in our house to allow me to workout at home on the days that I don’t go to the gym. Keep it up, Mamma! π
Thanks for your kind words. Whether one’s spouse is out of the house because s/he is working too much or because s/he is on the road, it’s the same cross to bear. There is DEFINITELY something wrong with the American way of life. We’re ridiculous. I think it’s part of the reason many of us write for WMB, because we’re wizened enough to realize there are other (often better) ways of life out there. When I lived in Asia and then spent time traveling around SE Asia in my 20’s, I would always marvel at and envy the Kiwis, Europeans and Aussies, all who had 6-8 weeks of MANDATORY vacation a year. We consider ourselves lucky when we land a job with 3 weeks! I had the same sense of longing and envy when Asta posted about maternity/paternity leave in Norway. Something’s gotta give here in the States and I hope it doesn’t continue to be the quality of our family lives and mental well-being…
Just a note, only 4 weeks mandatory holiday time in NZ and that’s only changed in the last year or so. School/University holidays are longer. Karyn
Yep, 4 weeks here in Australia. Shift workers get 6 weeks.
Makes it tricky when schools have 10 weeks holiday per year.
What’s harder than being a parent? Being a single parent! I especially don’t envy single dads raising daughters, a tough job.
Boy, I’m 0 for 2! So Both Oz and NZ are 4? Isn’t there somewhere out there with 6, because if so, we’re moving (of course, this could also just be a hidden fantasy of mine that I cooked up somewhere along the way).
wow, it must be like a fish tale for me in that case, where the item always seems longer in your memory than it actually was. Still, four weeks of *mandatory* vacation is like a far away dream for most Americans…thanks for setting the the record straight.
Thank you for sharing your story. It was an interesting read for me because my husband works in education, so I get to see him a lot. He leaves the house before we wake up, but he is usually home by 5:00 pm. Sometimes I take that for granted. I can understand why it’s tough on both of you. It sounds like you are doing all you can to make it work. I’m sure both you and your husband’s hard work will pay off in the end. Hang in there!
Thanks Kally, I’ll take any positive reinforcement I can get these days…believe me, sometimes it’s all I’ve got.
I hear this. You nailed it; great post. I need to be better about scheduling sitters and the prep work. And, oh–look at the time! The going to bed at a decent hour part. Wish we lived closer so we could single parent together. π Hang in there. Now, off to bed after I grind the coffee.
It has long been my dream to create a “single mom” consortium that would involve babysitting swaps, rotating meals at one another’s houses and general communal types of activities. I hear they exist in places (like Utah) but can’t seem to make it happen around here. Want to rent a summer place with me and populate it with like-minded individuals?
Oh the ever-elusive balance! It’s so hard to achieve, isn’t it? I love your tips and to dos- they’re so vital and yet so hard to remember, aren’t they?
My husband’s (and my) schedule has also changed a lot since our first was born and it does change the whole dynamic, doesn’t it?!
Hang in there, lady! One day, we’ll achieve this, right?! Great post!
Thanks Galit, at the very least I always appreciate a great network of supportive moms/friends…even if it is virtual.
You are a supermama! Being (essentially) a single parent of two young kids is an intense, rewarding, sometimes frustrating, non-stop job. You’re doing a great job with the kids…now it’s just a matter of finding ways to keep yourself sane in the process. You have some great ideas so far…the childcare at the gym being one of them! Perhaps try getting to bed “early” one night a week. Regardless of the messy kitchen, etc., go to sleep for your own sanity/health. I know how hard it is to do that if the house is messy, and if you haven’t had a moment to yourself. Maybe read in bed until you doze off…you’ll hopefully feel more refreshed the next day…Great post!
Well, I sure blew all of my own good advice and tips out of an anti-aircraft cannon tonight. DH left at 4:20 this morning and I never got back to sleep. I so completely ran out of patience with my wee ones that I’m hoarse…If I didn’t have two major writing deadlines, I’d refer back to the2/11 Friday Question and indulge in every single suggestion therein. Can we have another weekend off soon. PLEASE. Tanks for your great suggestions and endless, supportive good-vibes.
Great post Kyla! While my husband doesn’t travel as often as yours does, he’s usually out the door before the girls are up and gets home as I am cleaning up the dishes from dinner, so I loved your “learning to do” list. It really is all about planning preparing to make things run smoothly.
P.S. I need to work on that going to bed earlier thing too – it’s just that after the girls go to bed, it’s so much easier to get stuff done!
Than you almost have it worse, Eva. Because, you have to deal with a full day of kids PLUS be there to play the role of wife and confidant…and sometimes lover, even when it’s the LAST thing on your mind. Amen about getting everything personal done from 8pm on. There’s just not enough time in a day.
You hang in there too, it takes a village (or in our case, a world full of moms).
My work schedule is very “splotchy.” Maybe for six months, I’m out of town 4 days a week. Sometimes I’m home a lot. Right now, doing work for a client in town with a lot of work-at-home time. Me and the Missus probably have TOO MUCH TIME TOGETHER and can easily get into each others’ hair. You get a sense of freedom and control when you spend that much time apart, which is snatched away when you are back home all the time. As annoyed as we may get with each other, this is certainly the better problem to have.
I feel badly for your husband. While I certainly envy the concept of a job that is truly engaging, I’m certain he misses the quality time with the family. That must get to him from time to time.
Wow, Peter, first of all, thank you for sharing those thoughts. It is eye-opening to hear how the other-half feels. I imagine it’s hard on the traveling spouse, after all, s/he is half of what made the kids left behind and the whole of who chose the partner to raise them with.
Second, though I haven’t read all of the comments on all of the World Moms Blog posts since its inception four months ago, I’m pretty sure there haven’t been too many from World Dads so thanks for being one of them.
Last, I agree, you get into a groove—both the spouse at home and the one on the road—that helps you cope with your situation. And, whether you feel angry, frustrated, exhausted or elated about it at times, you know your own strengths and shortcomings when it comes to addressing the issues. You go back into the survival mode you developed before getting married and having kids and then it’s hard to readjust as a partnership when you’re back together.
Yes, I’m sure my husband, who has an incredible sense of family and is a dedicated father, misses us and I’ve heard many an older, seasoned executive/dad say thy wished they hadn’t sacrificed so much time away from their kids when the kids were so young (and when the kids actually wanted to spend time with their parents) but my new motto is: “It is what it is.” If we can make it through this phase, won’t we come out on the other end all the stronger?
Kyla,
You touched on such an important issue for me! The old African proverb — “It takes a village to raise a child.” I always think — is it unnatural that us moms are trying to do EVERYTHING on our own? My husband hasn’t been out of town too much recently, but he does work very late. But, when he has had periods of working out of town, I know there is no comparison — just to have him around to take out the garbage when he comes home late or makes you a cup a tea is a weeknight luxury when you’re used to have him being gone all week.
To cope, I try to stay social. One of my sisters lives in my same town. She is very busy, but when my husband was out of town, I would manage to try to get over to her house to make dinner with her and have all the kids play together. Her kids are older, so it was homework stress time for them after school most nights. Even if I just got over there for an hour once a week, it seemed to help break things up for me and for Sarah.
Also, playgroups with other moms during the week — the kids would play and I’d get to have adult social time. Even though we were nearby, we could get a conversation in. Also, I’m in a bookclub, and when my husband is home, I definitely make that one weeknight a month out to chat (and eat lots!) with the girls!
I like your ideas of trying to make your tasks easier, like bathing the kids downstairs, etc. You’ve got to do what you can!!
I know how stressful it is, and THANK YOU again for volunteering to be one of the Proofreading Editors for WMB while I’m having the baby on top of all that you do!!! It is greatly appreciated!!
Veronica Samuels π
Veronica, First of all, go rest! I thought you were on maternity leave.
But, to address all of your thoughtful responses, yes, are you kidding? The first whole chapter of my survival guide is titled Socializing! I have been involved with a variety of playgroups over the past five years, some have had great all-around chemistry and others I’ve walked away from with just a few friends for either me or one of my kids.
As my children near school-age, I hear life will alter again, there will be committees to get involved with, our kids will have deeper and more long-term friendships and there will be greater freedoms associated with the growing independence of our children.
For now, I too have gravitated toward mothers of my preschooler’s friends who share my lifestyle. We support one another by taking on each other’s kids for playdates or having a group meal out. ne of my favorite recent inventions is the friday, Happy Hour playdate where we swap who hosts the afternoon playdate and then the off-duty mom joins at the end for a cocktail and some quality girlfriend time.
Also, on the book club front, I can never seem to finish a book in the allotted 4 week period so instead, a year ago I created an independent film club under the same auspices. There are parameters for selecting films, it consists of a global diversity of mainly moms and we watch and discuss the films one night a month, together.
It all helps to keep us sane and in touch with the people we were on the front end and who we’ll still resemble in some small way on the other end a decade from now. (I hope!)
God speed, Ronnie!
LOL!!!! I’m signing off now, I promise!
LOVE, LOVE the movie club idea!!!!!!!!
Veronica π
With 3 kids aged 5 to 9 years I find that it is harder work having primary school aged children rather than toddlers. Their growing independence requires greater negotiation around social skills which often requires a lot of support. They are also no longer content to sit at my feet. There are playdates, and after-school activities, and homework that they need to be cajoled to do (constantly). They don’t need you as much physically but they definitely need you more emotionally.
As a parent educator, I tell parents that their kids will need more emotional support from them as they grow older. You need to make a scheduled time every day where you are available for them to talk with you. A lot of problems that occur during adolescence can be prevented in the primary school age.
Narelle, thanks for your comments. I have a friend who is a family psychiatrist and she has told me on several occasions that her largest clientele group is for parents of early school-aged kids. Many of whom thought the toughest years were behind them only to discover they were just entering them. Sadly, she also reports that her greatest increase in divorce clients is also from this group.
Thank you for confirming this and giving me grounds to anticipate this next “stage” in my parenting drama…
I’m not sure where you’re writing from but the grass-root documentary filmRace to Nowhere (http://www.racetonowhere.com/) depicting the pressures and issues facing kids in the US schol system has given me a glance into what the future has in store.
Cheers!
I really hear you on this one. Sounds strange to some, but one of the reasons we moved to a “field post” was to establish a better work-life balance for our family. The year before we moved, my husband was out of the country for 4 months — with me flying solo at home while juggling part-time work and caring for twin toddlers (and a dog…it was always the daily dog walks with double stroller that sent me over the edge!) It was too much. I love your survival guide and could have definitely used those reminders when things got tough. My husband is actually away this week for the first time in ages and while I’m feeling pretty tired it does seem a little easier now that the kids are older (but I may revise this view in a few days). It’s also good to be reminded how hard it is for the parent that’s away…I’m usually so focused on survival that it’s easy to forget this. Great post — you’re doing an awesome job, mama!
Wow, thanks Shaula. Just the other day I met a mom who’s husband took an IT job based in St. Thomas, BVI two years ago, when the economy (and his job) went south. Initially, she was thrilled to uproot and live in such a dream vacation spot but once settled, she felt isolated, out of sorts and unhappy. She gave it almost a year and then decided things were better on the other side of the beach, back here in the Northeast US.
Of course she misses her husband, who now commutes to the island during the week but she also has a deeper respect for and tolerance of his travel, realizing that she made the choice and has the better support system in place right back here at home.
I look forward to hearing more about your life so far away and how things are different for you as a mom and for your kids, being raised in East Timor.