It seems apt that as a new year dawns, my husband and I preparing to start a new chapter by bringing a second child into our family.
I’m scared as hell.
Our son burst into our quiet life like a bomb.…A really cute, completely beloved bomb who sprayed screams for shrapnel. Owl was not what some people would call an “easy baby”, if indeed such a mythical creature does exist.
He had a bad latch and caused me a lot of pain when he nursed. Once he got the hang of it, he never let go. In fact, over two years later, he still nurses like he thinks it will be the last drink he will ever receive.
My baby books said that newborns slept most of the time, but he didn’t sleep. From early afternoon until nearly midnight, he would be awake and screaming, often for six or even eight hours in a row with no naps.
He only began sleeping through the night reliably in the last six months or so.
My husband doesn’t remember much of that first year. All he can recall is a haze of frustration and sleep deprivation.
I loved that first year, despite it all. I loved having a baby, loved being on maternity leave, and I knew, as I held him to my breast, that I wanted to do this all again.
But lately I haven’t been quite so sure.
Owl has grown into a cheerful, chatty, and positively wonderful toddler. We can take him anywhere, he rarely tantrums, and his little speeches make me laugh. But he is still highly demanding.
He can’t play independently. He always needs feedback on everything he does. My friends have remarked how, rather than playing on the floor with toys like their children do, he follows people around and asks them questions.
In many ways, I had more time when he was a baby, because I could stick him on a breast and sit down to read or blog. Now it’s puzzles and ball games imaginary shopping excursions and never any time to myself.
When I think about trying to fill his constant need for play and interaction while holding another screaming infant, I am filled with a sense of the impossibility of it all.
It doesn’t help that I am an only child. I never had to share my parents’ attention. I never had someone to play with. I never had someone to fight with. I don’t know how any of those dynamics work. So I don’t know how someone juggles two children with different needs at once. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to cope.
My husband, on the other hand, is getting increasingly antsy to get going on our second child. He hates the baby stage – it took him a long time to admit it, but now he is comfortable with saying it. He hates not knowing what they want, he hates the sound of the crying, and he hates not knowing how to fix it.
But he wants more than one child, and he knows that in order to get a second child, first he has to survive a second baby. He figures that the sooner he gets that over with, the happier he will be.
We also notice that things are actually much easier when we are babysitting a friend’s toddler. Not a baby – that’s no help at all – but someone Owl can play with. Then peace descends.
So we figure Owl needs a sibling to play with. In other words, we both wish we could just spawn a second toddler right away, rather than go through the trouble of having to deal with another year of waking up every two hours in the night and walking the floor for eight hours in the day.
We’re both terrified of trying to do both of those things while dealing with Owl’s bottomless pit of need for play. But we’re hoping, some day, that we will be able to sit down and talk to each other about our day while the children play in the next room. We’re hoping for Owl to have someone to go on kiddie rides with, and play Candyland with, and kick a ball around with.
And if we want all those things, we need to have another baby.
In fact, we’re worried that we may have waited too long. You never know how long it will take you to get pregnant, and even if I get pregnant immediately Owl will be three years old by the time the second comes along. What if he’s three and a half, or even four? What if the age difference is too great? Have I waited too long?
So we took out my IUD and we’re getting ready to take the plunge.
I’m scared, but lately, I have caught myself looking forward to being pregnant again. So that’s a step in the right direction.
…
But I’m REALLY scared.
Have you gone through a subsequent pregnancy? How have you handled more than one child?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog from mother of one, Carol @IfByYes.
Photo credit to the author.
Carol (Canada)
Carol from If By Yes has lived in four different Canadian provinces as well as the Caribbean. Now she lives in Vancouver, working a full time job at a vet clinic, training dogs on the side, and raising her son and daughter to be good citizens of the world. Carol is known for wearing inside-out underwear, microwaving yoghurt, killing house plants, over-thinking the mundane, and pointing out grammatical errors in "Twilight". When not trying to wrestle her son down for a nap, Carol loves to read and write. Carol can also be found on her blog, If By Yes, and on Twitter @IfByYesTweets
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Carol, I think many mothers with one child have the same fears/ thoughts when deciding on having another.
I had my second 8 months ago, when my toddler was 2 years, 4 months. There was an inevitable period of adjustment for everyone, but by the fourth month (I know, it sounds long, but it really isn’t), we got into a comfortable rhythm. Now that I have both a 3 year old and an 8 month old, I can say that neither is hard, nor easy. It is what it is. You get used to handling two kids, and you’ll be surprised at how easy you fall back into caring for a newborn.
In fact, I’m enjoying my baby much more than I did with his older brother. I am less worried or stressed about him, I’m just loving everything about babies.
Don’t worry, you and your husband will adjust! Good luck!
Thanks!
I never imagined myself with more than two children. And after having my first (non-easy) baby (loved the shrapnel/scream analogy) I wasn’t able to imagine myself with more than one! But I knew, for many of the reasons you’ve written, that I wanted my child to have a sibling. My whole childhood is dominated with memories of my me and my sibling. So we took the plunge and had a very, very easy baby. I’m not going to lie and say it was smooth sailing, but honestly it was much, much easier than it was bringing the first into our home.
Since then, we’ve added two more. Yes, I HAVE FOUR!
I blog about the our life. And you’ll be happy to know, I don’t use words like “crazy” and “chaos”. We don’t even have to leave the house to have a playdate. They are the best of friends. It’s my greatest happiness to see them together.
Go for it!!! Enjoy the excitement that comes from not knowing “who” your next family member will be. It’s such a magical time.
Best of luck to you!
This is very encouraging to hear!
Carol,
Good luck with your decision and keep us posted! Also, as many of our moms who have adopted will tell you — adoption is also an option, if you’d like a toddler!
I completely understand what you mean about the giving enough attention to both children in the way that they each need it. My daughters are nearly 4 years apart. It wasn’t planned that way, but it has been great. My older daughter is exerting her independence and is at school, and that gives me time with my younger one. Also, there is no competition for my time. My older daughter understands that my little one needs me more. And today my oldest is 5 and 1/2 and my youngest is nearly 2 years old — they are playing quietly together, so I can write this comment. This is a first!!
Go with your heart. And, best wishes to you and your family!
Jen 🙂
Looking forward to that day!
I have 4 children and I’m 33. I got pregnant on my honeymoon with my first who’s turning 10 in April. I tried to get pregnant when he was a year old but it didn’t happen and in the end the age difference between him and his sister is 3 years and I, like you, was so worried that the difference was too great but even before she turned 2 they were playing together and keeping each other company and trying to kill each other. My 3rd is also 3 years younger than his sister and the last is 2 years younger (didn’t want to wait any longer). The age difference has been perfect as far as I can see! And it’s terrifying EVERY time.
LOL! Good, I’m glad it’s an okay age difference. Maybe I’ll get ear plugs for the “trying to kill” bit.
I can relate! I have 2 boys that are 4.5 years apart. My older son sounds a bit like your son. I was hoping to have my kids closer together, but it didn’t work that way. However, I think because my older son is so intense and interactive, it is better that he was older. At 4.5, he was far enough removed from being a baby that he understood his needs were different than his little brother’s. I could reason with him if I needed to jump away for a feeding. He understood that he needed to put any special toys in his room if he didn’t want his brother touching them. Plus he was fully potty trained and independent in many life skills, which made things easier for me to manage. So in some ways it’s nice if kids can play together because they’re close in age, but there are benefits to them being not so close in age too. And my boys totally play together despite the age gap. Good luck!
Carol – my son sounds a lot like yours. As a toddler, he was always underfoot, asking questions, wanting to play and hardly independent. But he really wanted a baby (and so did we, for many of the reasons you noted above). So, when he was 3 1/2 our daughter was born. She was born on a schedule (seriously, she nursed for half an hour and slept for 3-4 hours since day 1), knowing how to latch (I suspect my experience of knowing how to nurse might have helped a bit as well), and seemed content to coo by herself in her crib for more than 5 minutes at a time. My son, on the other hand, understood that I was the only one who could nurse the baby. He also understood that she was so little she couldn’t do anything herself. But he was smart enough to know that others could help by changing her diaper or playing with her so that he could get a bit of my time for himself (even today there are times where he will ask that daddy put his sister to bed and I stay with him for a little lone-mommy time). Now that they are 6 and 2 1/2, they play together, or will lay on the couch side by side watching a movie, while I prepare dinner, or get some work done. They LOVE LOVE LOVE each other (the fist thing they say to each other in the morning when they wake up is “Do you love me?”, and never separate for bed or school or whatever without a kiss and hug), even if they do occasionally fight over a toy or activity. It is soooo worth it to provide a sibling for your child, that you will think back, once you have gone through it, saying “what was I ever afraid of?” 🙂
Good luck!
I actually found the second child easier than I had feared. And the now big brother (2,5 years older) adapted so well and is very protective and loving towards his little sister (unless she takes his Lego Starwars!). It is of course a lot more work with two children but now they are starting to play a bit together, and they seem to really enjoy eachothers company most of the time 🙂