Last month’s Atlantic Magazine featured a cover page story on the “Confidence Gap” between men and women. For a variety of reasons both biological and environmental, women drastically underestimate their own competence. This, the article tells us, is a big obstacle to women accomplishing the success they are due.
While it was interesting to me that womankind as a whole seems to value themselves more meanly than mankind, it was all the more interesting to know that I wasn’t alone in feeling anywhere from out of my depth to outright fraudulent in many situations. Apparently many other ladies in the room were likely feeling just the same.
But more than anything else, the article left me examining a gap within myself. The gap between where I feel my confidence ought to be and where is actually is. And where it is, quite frankly, is way….way behind. Let’s say…1994 behind.
When I moved from the U.K. to the U.S. at age twelve, I am sure I was an insufferable little know-it-all…with an English accent to boot. And perhaps I had a small take down coming to me. But the torture of that first year as the new girl led to a crushing middle school career, followed by an ostracizing high school tenure. And now here I am at 31. Even an adoring and wonderful husband and my many other privileges have yet to succeed in erasing the damage done over those years.
And its not just the memory of that damage…but the harm that the consequent lack of confidence has done and continues to do to me both, personally and professionally. The inability to believe that any idea I have, anything I produce can ever really be worthy of praise. Have I really allowed a 12 year old bully to still matter in the life of a 31 year old me?
I think one of the things I look the least forward to with my son growing up is seeing him come to the realization that all children do…that the rest of the world does not think so well of them as their parents do. As a highly precocious oldest child with an enormous chip on her shoulder…this was a crushing lesson to learn. And one that I am not sure I have recovered from yet.
The ability to master my middle school demons is important. Not just for me to become my own best advocate and defender, but to contribute to closing the confidence gap between men and women by demonstrating a healthy confidence to the young man I am raising. It is important to add a male to the population who is at ease with a powerful woman, a woman in command of herself and her job…and before even that, a 12 year old boy that might find a bossy little girl with an accent a prime candidate for a friend, rather than for ridicule.
Do you underestimate your own confidence? Does this affect your choice to participate in, or do, certain things? How can we contribute to closing the confidence gap between men and women?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Natalia Rankine-Galloway who writes at The Culture Mum Chronicles.
Photo credit to Jason Pratt. This photo has a creative commons attribute license.
Dear Natalia, it keeps amazing me to discover that there are other people who feel the same way I do! I was also “a highly precocious oldest child with an enormous chip on her shoulder”, but my parents moved me from Italy to South Africa when I was 8 years old. If you think kids can be mean when you have a different accent, try not being able to speak English AT ALL and being useless at sport to boot!! I still remember crying myself to sleep every night for a year and also spending every recess sitting outside the Headmistress’s office, not because I was naughty, but for PROTECTION because the other children in my class took any chance possible to hurt me physically (as if the psychological abuse wasn’t enough)!! 🙁
“Even an adoring and wonderful husband and my many other privileges have yet to succeed in erasing the damage done over those years.” Unfortunately that’s still true … and I’m 45! 🙁
That said, since joining WMB I’m starting to feel like the Ugly Duckling did when he discovered he was a swan! So I want to thank you, and Jennifer Burden, and all the other awesome WMB Contributors for making me feel welcome and valued. Love you all!! 🙂 xoxo
Natalia, I felt the same in my 30s and then somewhere during my 40s it all changed. After 10 years of bullying through school, I carried that lack of confidence through to my adulthood, too.
It has been quite some journey to get from there to here, that’s for sure!!
Interestingly…. as that 12 year old oldest child with a chip on my shoulder, my confidence was always quite low. It isn’t until recently, now that I have a successful career and the children that I have always dreamed of that my confidence is at last at an almost appropriate level (i’ve even deemed myself an “expert” in my LinkedIn profile :)). Funny enough,much of this increased confidence is due to the men in my industry who are constantly complimenting me and telling me not to underestimate myself…. I have finally started to listen and you should too Natalia!
I am always amazed to think about how powerfully the experiences of middle and high school are. They stick with us on some deep, deep level of psychic velcro. And unfortunately, for many of us (myself included) the experiences that get stuck are the experiences of insufficiency, inadequacy, silence. One of the unexpected things that’s happened as I’ve aged is that I feel — finally– like I’m coming into my own. It’s been a long time coming, though. And part of my journey has been raising sons (now 9 & 13) who will be respectful of women & girls: raising these boys is, on some level, what I think of as my most powerful feminist act.
Lovely post. Thank you.
Thanks ladies! It’s so heartening to know none of us our alone…wallowing down here in the self doubt!
My guess is that I would score decent on the confidence test. I was an overweight child who was made fun of at school, so it doesn’t actually jive from that respect though. From reading Margaret Mead, she noted that the sons of chiefs had more confidence than the sons of other people. Even when adoption was at hand. I spent a lot of time with my dad during my summers growing up. He’s not a New Guinea chief! lol But, I wonder if spending so much time with my dad and being around older men as a young girl helped with my ability to be more confident among men and women.
For example, I remember when I was in my twenties my mom questioning how I could possibly feel comfortable sitting down to play at a black jack table in Atlantic City among a group of men and not feeling self-conscious. The thought didn’t even cross my mind. I was more worried about making a quick decision on my hands than about thinking of what the people next to me at the table were thinking.
Just me thinking out loud!! And yes, there are times where I don’t feel confident, too!!!!
Jen 🙂
Fantastic article. You are SO not alone. Sadly, at 49, I realize I am still trying to shake off some of the damage done in middle school and high school. Unfortunately, I allowed that damaged ego and distorted self-perception to influence my choice of a belittling, bullying mate. Now, as the mother of a 14 year old girl, and 17 and 20 year old boys, I begin to see that those hateful words, first from school peers and later from my kid’s dad, no longer have to define me. The wounds do run deep, and it takes a proactive choice to allow them to heal, not feeding the victim mindset, but choosing instead to blossom and appreciate my unique gifts.