This week, a story in the news made me cry. It was not the kind of story that makes it big in the mainstream media. It was not about mass devastation or loss of life, war or missing jetliners. It was, however, a story that has a big impact in my little corner of the world: the autism community.
What happened was that a pair of teens persuaded a 15-year-old boy with autism to participate in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. They sold him on how generous it would be, how cool it would be, how fun it would be. As he stood there trustingly, expecting to be drenched in freezing cold water, the teens poured a bucket filled with human feces and urine all over him.
It is impossible for me to contemplate this story of utter cruelty without thinking of my own child with autism. I cannot avoid picturing him standing somewhere, thinking he’s about to do something that will make it a little easier for him to fit in with the mystifying world around him, and instead being subjected to such terrible degradation and humiliation.
It is a mental picture that has been torturing me since the incident happened. I weep for my son, who at some point in his life could easily fall victim to someone who wants to hurt him simply because he is different. I weep for the boy this happened to, this boy who someone thought was so worthless that he deserved to have human waste dumped on him. I weep for his parents, who look at their son and see perfection, whose hearts are breaking for him.
I weep for a world in which people can do such terrible things for no reason other than to be cruel.
I do my best to keep my son safe, and to instill feelings of love and self-worth in him. I try to surround him with trusted people who care about him and want him to be happy and successful. I do my small part to raise awareness and acceptance of autism. But I fear that at some point in my son’s life, this may not be enough. I cannot follow him around everywhere he goes, and I cannot take away the extra layer of vulnerability that comes with his autism. All I can do is send him out into the world, to places that I think are safe, with people who I believe will take care of him, and hope for the best.
And I can hope that if my son is ever targeted by people who have an agenda of degradation and humiliation, I will be able to take away some of his pain by wrapping my arms around him and surrounding him with love.
How do you help prepare your child(ren) for the future? Do you feel like you are hoping for the best, but fearing heartache?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Kirsten Doyle. Kirsten blogs at Running for Autism, and you can connect with her on Twitter @running4autism.
Photo credit to the author.
Oh, Kirsten, this story made my heart ache….
So very with you with every word here. And have none to make it better…
An element of the story that I didn’t touch on here is this: what about the parents of the perpetrators? I cannot help wondering what kind of support THOSE kids have been raised with. But yes, this story does make me feel sad about humanity.
Thanks for the comment.
Oh no!!!
This IS heartbreaking. It would be a cruel ‘joke’ on any child, but it is even more so for a child with autism, who already feels detached…
I try to prepare my children for what is to come, but sometimes it just feels like I’m taking away their innocence. Do I have to explain to my daughter how to deal with racism? Do I need to prepare my son for laughter when he wants to admit to his friends that he prefers gymnastics over soccer?
I guess I take the same approach as you do: let them feel loved and worthy. Make sure they have enough self confidence to deal with ‘jokes’ or worse.
Whenever we hear about big things like racism, about homophobia, or even about little ‘jokes’ on the playground, I will tell them not everyone understands that we are all different. That people who laugh at you are often the ones that are insecure or jealous. Sometimes they understand, sometimes they don’t.
I also try to teach them humour to replace anger. When someone tells my adopted daughter in a nasty way that I’m not her ‘real’ mother, she will ask them whether they think I’m made out of plastic instead… At home, we will then pretend how it would be if I actually was made out of plastic and end with warm, non-plastic cuddles.
But still, yes, I brace myself for the inevitable heartbreak to come. It’s the part of parenting I wasn’t prepared for.
This kind of thing robs our kids of childhood a little bit. Our kids shouldn’t HAVE to know that people are capable of this.
Your comment about adoption is interesting. I am an adoptee myself, and at a time when adoption was not openly spoken about very much, I was often the target of unwanted scrutiny by my classmates. I think your way of dealing with it is admirable.
Dearest Kirsten – I HATE that this attack has been reported as a “prank” or “joke” by the media … there’s NOTHING remotely amusing about what those teens did. The whole thing totally sickens me. 🙁
Sadly, you are right … as parents we need to keep hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. We’re all doing the very best we can to “arm” our children with the knowledge that they’re loved unconditionally, and that we’re proud of them. Unfortunately that is all we can do to protect them against the mean people out there.
Yes, the fact that the media has consistently reported this as a prank drives me round the bend. It was not a prank, it was criminal assault, and I hope the perpetrators will be charged as such.
Oh Kristen, this is so heart breaking. How do we teach our kids that it is a cruel world out there, without them growing to be disillusioned, or too cynical? It’s a tough road, paved with heartache, you are so right. I tell mine to remember that there is more good than evil. It would be nice if we heard more stories of beautiful empathy and sharing, to help compensate such horrendous behaviors, just to show our kids that there is a lot of good out there. And that’s what they need to associate with. But the act that you describe should not be ignored. I agree, this is not a prank, this is so much more than that!
I have been actively seeking out stories like the ones you describe – the stories of kindness, empathy and giving. I think we have to hold onto our belief that the world is an inherently good place, otherwise we will just lose hope.
Kirsten – my jaw dropped when I read about how the boy was treated. How terribly sad. Makes it hard to hope for a bright future and have faith in humanity 🙁
I think that as a parent I am trying best my best to give my children wings to fly on their own. I know that they will likely fall along the way…but that doesn’t make it any easier to see your kids go through pain or humiliation. I too will plan to be there to help them us and surround them with love.
Giving them wings to fly – that is so important. I am trying to teach my son independence and the ability to stand on his own two feet. At this point in his life, it is hard to predict what level of independence he will be capable of. But if I can at least instil in him the idea that if someone is cruel to him, it is a reflection on them and not him, that will be a good start.
Kirsten this is really a tragedy that break my heart 🙁 I am at loss of words but I pray hard that more kids will have compassion and love for others than what is shown today.
This is outrageous. Kirsten, your post sits like a pit in my stomach. I can only hope that this horrid example will help prevent the mistreatment of other children in the future. My heart goes out to the boy and his family and to moms everywhere who worry about the protection of their children.