What do I know about depression? Well, nothing. That much I know! But still, I feel compelled to write about it. Because I have only recently woken up to the devastation and despair associated with this illness and I am now looking at depression with a different set of eyes. With true compassion and empathy, where I was unable to understand before and could barely share a little sympathy.
Here is what happened: Robin Williams died. True, the world lost a great actor, a talented artist. But it was not grief I felt when hearing the news of his death. It was anger. Anger at someone I did not know, never met. And yet, there I was, so, so mad.
I understood that wealth and material things didn’t buy happiness. But I could not fathom why someone healthy would take their own life.
I am a mom and my biggest fear is to not be able to see my kids grow up and navigate through their life’s milestones.
So when one is lucky enough and doesn’t suffer from anything life threatening, why would they take their own life? As I was debating this very point with a friend of mine, he just looked at me and replied, “Well, have you ever considered that maybe he had a life-threatening illness, and that this illness took his life?” That one sentence hit the nail on the head for me.
Up until now, I thought depression was a disease but that somehow, the affected person retained a level of control over it. Now I know, that’s not the case. As with any illness, depression is not something that you can turn off when it gets to be too much. Just as you would not expect a person suffering from diabetes to control their blood sugar if you ask them to, no amount of “Cheer up”, “Think positive”, or “It’s not that bad” can cure depression.
Depression can be devastating, destructive, and in some extreme cases, it can be fatal. It can also be a silent killer, creeping on you ever so slowly, with no obvious sign. Depression does not discriminate on wealth, social status, gender, or age.
I am in no position to judge or be mad at Robin Williams, because I can’t even begin to claim that I understand what he was going through. But what his ordeal reinforced for me, is that I need to make every effort to empathize with my children.
I want my kids to know that their feelings are always valid, even if they are different from mine or others. There is no right or wrong way to feel about something. Most importantly, I want them to trust their emotions so they can have the confidence to express them. Maybe one day, they will be on an emotional ledge and will be able to cry loudly rather than suffer in silence. Because they will know, it is okay to do so. That is my pledge.
How do you make sure that your kids feel confident expressing their emotions?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Nadege Nicoll. She was born in France but now lives permanently in New Jersey with her family. Nadege also writes a daily blog for moms who need to smile at everyday life. She can be found on Twitter, Facebook and her website www.nadegenicoll.com.
Image creation by author. Quote from Lullaby by Nickelback.
Nadege Nicoll
Nadege Nicoll was born in France but now lives permanently in New Jersey with her family. She stopped working in the corporate world to raise her three children and multiple pets, thus secretly gathering material for her books. She writes humorous fictions for kids aged 8 to 12. She published her first chapter book, “Living with Grown-Ups: Raising Parents” in March 2013. Her second volume in the series just came out in October 2013. “Living with Grown-Ups: Duties and Responsibilities” Both books take an amusing look at parents’ inconsistent behaviors, seen from the perspective of kids. Nadege hopes that with her work, children will embrace reading and adults will re-discover the children side of parenthood. Nadege has a few more volumes ready to print, so watch this space…
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I think this is a really important post, Nadege. Thanks so much for writing about depression here; it’s important we talk about it.
Thanks Karyn. I feel it is important to make depression a topic that we can talk about. If this post only helps one person to believe it’s okay to feel the way they are and look for help, then I would be so happy.
Beautiful and honest post, and very important too!
I have been in tears when my son was carefully diagnosed with depression. I was devastated. He was only 7, so I figured his depression must have been my fault. Depression is sneaky and vile and when you see it touching the ones you love, the guilt eats you from inside. People told me it was a true illness, but still, I felt guilty.
In our case, it turned out to be ‘just’ a kind of burn-out (or bore-out), because he needs challenges at school, because he has difficulties relating to his peers and because he is highly sensitive to all kinds of stimuli. He just couldn’t cope any more. With the help of his therapist, we now we know how to support him and how to prevent depression from coming too close. But it will stay a threat in his life. It hurts so much to fear your child may go through this… I cried a river when I heard the news about Robin Williams…
This is so hard to see our kids affected by something that we have no control over. And no amount of me saying, “Of course, it is not your fault, it is an illness” will change this. Because we are mom, we want to protect our cubs. And when we cannot, we blame ourselves. I go through the same motion with another affliction and all I can say is that time helped to reconcile me with accepting the things I cannot control. I hope it does the same for you, but in the mean time, I am sending you a big, strong virtual hug!
What an important epiphany on depression you had, Nadege. It takes a lot to admit growth, and I am inspired by your post here.
It is easy to assume that others see and feel the world as we see it. I know that I am guilty of this, too. The more I read and talk to people, the more I learn about the different lens’ we all bare. Thank you for writing this important post on depression.
Living as I do with my husband’s severe depression, I have to constantly face the fear that he will kill himself (as he thinks constantly of doing) and I will have to try and explain to my son why Daddy won’t be taking care of him anymore…
This seems just too heavy a burden to carry, especially when explaining it to your son… Hugs…
I consider myself a Survivor of Depression because the last time it really hit me I checked myself into a Psychiatric Clinic for a month. It was absolutely the best thing I could possibly have done for myself and my family. That was 6 years ago and (although I’ll be on a “maintenance dose” of an anti-depressant for the rest of my life) I have been able to avoid falling into the Depression Pit again! Because of what I learnt in Clinic, helping my children deal with their emotions has been easy. 🙂
I think the biggest misconception about Depression is that a depressed person is “sad”. The truth is that (when you are truly depressed) you are not sad. You don’t feel anything at all! Even breathing is too much of an effort. You’re “stuck” and can’t imagine ever feeling normal again, or ever having the energy to do anything. Personally, I needed a combination of Therapy and medication – and it took years of trial and error, until I finally found what worked for me. I want to sincerely encourage anyone who is suffering from any type of Depression, to seek help … and keep changing doctors until you find the therapist and medication combo that works for you! Not everyone needs both therapy and meds, and some only need it for a short time. The bottom line is that you *must* make the effort to find what works for you. Trust me, I KNOW how hard that is! My first (and worst) bout of Depression happened when I was 18, and I only got it totally under control 20 years later … but better late than never!! 🙂
Oh wow,
I missed this post and I am so glad this was tweeted today.
For someone battling depression, I can tell you that the stigma and judgement surrounding depression is almost harder than the disease itself.
There is nothing worse than constantly knocked down and then being blamed for lying on the floor. I can tell you that there is nothing a depressed person wants more than to be able to just snap out of it.
I love the part about making sure your kids know that it is okay to express their feelings.
Thank you so much for writing this post.