“Baby Wessy-yyy” I say with that voice used only when babies have your attention. Immediately my toddler looks at me studiously and corrects me: “No, no, no, mama!” she says with her eyes closed, a shaking head, and a finger waving from side to side. All the while walking toward me and Wesley. “Mines ah baby’s! Baby Yomi!” She continues, as she points to herself.
I repeat what Yomi said, just to make sure I understand. She starts nodding her head, chin tilted down, eyes looking up at me with that this-is-redundant & mom-pay-attention you-know-that-is-what-I-just-said look. So in defense I say that she is a big girl and Wesley is a baby. She corrects me without hesitation: “Nooo, Yomi baby!!”
Mmh… This reminds me of when I told my first born I was pregnant with Yomi, and she said “Okay, but we can’t call her Stink Face, or show her our secret handshake.” I realize that although we may take what two-year olds say to not be as important as what adults say (as ridiculous as this is) she is serious. She, is Baby!
(By the way, as soon as Yomi was born, her big sister was totally cool with showing her all her secrets and even sharing her endearing names.) Smile.
“Yomi?” “Yes, mommy?” Yomi answers. I ask her “Can we call him The Boy?”
Yomi starts nodding her head in approval: “Yes, Baby is a Yomi, Wessy is a Boy!!”
So it is decided: my two-year old is The Baby, and my 8 month old is The Boy. If my teen was a part of the conversation I wonder if things would have gone as smoothly. I go with My Star, and hope she is cool with that.
All in all this simple occurrence, along with the one that happened with my teen, is actually pretty important. Many questions came to mind when both conversations ensued and after they had ended. I will share some of them so that you may shed some light with your own experiences, if you would.
Do I always actually listen to what my children say?
Do I let age factor in, when I listen and place importance in what my children say?
Do I apply the same filters when listening to other children?
Do other parents listen to their children?
What happens to us as children if our parents don’t truly listen to us?
What happens if in toddlerhood a person feels his/her baby sibling is more important to their parents?
One on hand I think letting Yomi’s worldview on this issue be the worldview of our household is healthy and empowering, and on the other hand I believe there will be instances when she will have to know that things aren’t as she wants them to be, and that some times that’s okay; and at other times she can be the agent of change.
Instead of asking more questions of you, I hope you’ll be kind enough to share your thoughts by answering any and all of the questions above, as well as contribute with anything else you’d like to share on this topic.
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Sophia. You can find her blogging at Think Say Be and on twitter @ThinkSayBeSNJ.
Photo credit to the author.
ThinkSayBe
I am a mom amongst some other titles life has fortunately given me. I love photography & the reward of someone being really happy about a photo I took of her/him. I work, I study, I try to pay attention to life. I like writing. I don't understand many things...especially why humans treat each other & other living & inanimate things so vilely sometimes. I like to be an idealist, but when most fails, I do my best to not be a pessimist: Life itself is entirely too beautiful, amazing & inspiring to forget that it is!
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Sophia, you have raised very important points in this post. Since my children are respectively 22 and 19 years old, I can state with some confidence that *really* listening to your children when they are small, and answering their questions truthfully (even when the truthful answer is “I don’t know, let’s find out”) is *essential* if you want *them* to talk to *you* honestly, when they are teens or young adults! 🙂
I’ve often been called “lucky” or “blessed” because of the relationship I have with both my son and my daughter. Maybe it’s so, but maybe it’s because of something my husband and I decided before we even started a family – we wanted our children to *know* that they mattered and therefore their feelings mattered. We wanted them to know the difference between needs and wants, and feel secure in the knowledge that their *real* needs would always be taken care of by us, but not always their wants. We wanted them to know that their “rights” ended when they infringed on someone else’s rights. That we loved them unconditionally and would *always* be there for them – even when they made wrong choices.
They also learnt from a very young age that mom and dad were united in all decisions, so it was never possible for them to play one of us up against the other. We also never lied to them (Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy are part of the magic of childhood, therefore I don’t consider those lies). 😛 And we apologised when we got it wrong, or lashed out in anger or impatience.
It wasn’t always easy. It’s much easier to “tune them out”, but it is SO worth it if you don’t!! 🙂 Love and best wishes to you all xoxo
Do I always actually listen to what my children say?
I think I am good about listening to what my children say. I should ask them and see what they think!! Sometimes I have so much going on that I’m thinking about that I miss it. But, then they tug me and remind me. For example, yesterday, my daughter said, mom, you’ve been on calls too much today. You were on one in the car when we wanted to talk to you. I immediately closed my computer and thanked her for telling me that. I told her that I needed to hear how she was feeling because sometimes I get too busy and am just trying to get everything done, and I miss important things!
Do I let age factor in, when I listen and place importance in what my children say?
My daughters are 8 and 4. I think I listen to them both the same.
Do I apply the same filters when listening to other children?
I am going to start looking out for this!
Do other parents listen to their children?
It’s probably the same.
What happens to us as children if our parents don’t truly listen to us?
We become bloggers. 😉 My dad still doesn’t always listen to me! Although he called today and actually asked me some questions!
What happens if in toddlerhood a person feels his/her baby sibling is more important to their parents?
This has come up. My older daughter has said in the past that I spend too much more time with my younger daughter. We carved out some time for just the two of us to do things. This really helped!
Interesting post, Sophia!
Not only do I think you raise a really important point of honoring your children’s perspective, I also really like how you wrote this piece. You have me thinking!