You might think otherwise, but in truth, no one owes you anything. Not God, not your spouse, not your parents, not your kids, not your friends or your colleagues. Seriously, no one owes you a single thing.
I don’t think any one of us go about our days consciously assuming that we’re owed anything, yet we somehow unknowingly end up behaving in a way that says just that.
We live lives full of expectations. We’ve come to expect certain things, certain behaviors and certain reactions. And because we’ve come to expect those things, we unwittingly end up feeling entitled to them. Then, when we don’t get them, we feel upset and short changed.
How many times have I gotten upset with my kids for not doing their chores? How many times have I snapped at my husband because I felt I didn’t get the reaction I hoped for? How many times have I gotten annoyed at someone?
Yes, I feel that my kids should have responsibility. Yes, I wish my husband could read my mind. (Or maybe not.) Yes, I wish people would be more polite. But they’re not the problem.
The problem is expectations and the false notion that people think we need them. When you have an expectation, you’re putting forth a demand. Is that the way to manage any type of a relationship? To demand something from the other party?
An expectation is one sided. We don’t need to live lives filled with demands.
So what do we need? We need hopes and wishes. We need reciprocity in the form of cooperation and partnership.
In the example of my kids and their chores. My wish is for teamwork. Being part of the family means being part of the team, a team that helps the family function as it should both physically and emotionally. Not because I want them to do it for me personally, but for the good of the whole unit.
In marriage or in any type of a relationship you’re looking for cooperation and partnership as well as mutual understanding. You wish for good and by wishing for good instead of expecting or demanding it, you can find the good and are grateful for what you have.
You have to earn love or respect or kindness. Demanding them will get you nowhere fast. When a relationship is a loving one, not one based on debts, people will be more likely to want to be there for you.
Learning that you’re not owed anything doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat or be treated badly. It means you have a choice and can decide what relationships and actions belong in your life. You don’t demand things from other and you don’t transfer the blame or responsibility on others. You decide what is right for you. You decide to see all the things to be grateful for.
Love can only be unconditional when you earn it but don’t feel you’re owed it.
Can you imagine how many of the world’s problems would vanish if we all believed that we aren’t owed anything and took responsibility for ourselves and our actions.
Do you think you are owed anything?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by our contributor, Susie Newday in Israel. You can find her on her blog New Day New Lesson.
Photo credit to Susie Mayerfeld
Susie Newday (Israel)
Susie Newday is a happily-married American-born Israeli mother of five. She is an oncology nurse, blogger and avid amateur photographer. Most importantly, Susie is a happily married mother of five amazing kids from age 8-24 and soon to be a mother in law. (Which also makes her a chef, maid, tutor, chauffeur, launderer...) Susie's blog, New Day, New Lesson, is her attempt to help others and herself view the lessons life hands all of us in a positive light. She will also be the first to admit that blogging is great free therapy as well. Susie's hope for the world? Increasing kindness, tolerance and love. You can also follow her Facebook page New Day, New Lesson where she posts her unique photos with quotes as well as gift ideas.
Follow Me:
This is a really powerful message. My wheels are turning, and I don’t have a clear response yet. Thank you for challenging my thinking today, Susie!
“Love can only be unconditional when you earn it but don’t feel you’re owed it.” – I disagree with this statement, Susie.
By definition, “unconditional” means “not subject to any conditions” -therefore how can you earn it? To me, the whole point of loving unconditionally, is that there is NOTHING the object of your love has to do or not do in order to be loved! You just love them, full stop.
Unconditional love can never be “earned” or “not earned”. If you love someone unconditionally, you love them even when they drive you crazy or make wrong choices. I think many parents love their children unconditionally – and I think children have the RIGHT to be loved unconditionally.
I experienced “conditional” love from my parents – in other words I was led to believe that if behaved a certain way or got good grades, I would be worthy of their love. Somehow, I was never quite “good enough” or “smart enough”. That led me to feeling extremely insecure and unlovable, which led to extremely low self-esteem – which (I believe) led me into an abusive relationship when I was a teen.
I was rescued from that cycle of abuse by the man I eventually married (and am still married to 24 years later). He was the first person to truly love me unconditionally. It took me many years (and counselling) before I learnt how to respond appropriately to his love, because it seemed impossible to me that I COULD be loved unconditionally!
My son is now 22 and my daughter is 19 years old. Both of them have known unconditional love all their lives. They know that, no matter what, their father and I love them, and “have their backs”. This has enabled them to grow up secure in the knowledge that they ARE worthy of being loved.
One of my pet peeves is what I call an “entitlement attitude”. In that sense, I DO agree with you. I believe that nobody is “better” than anybody else, and therefore nobody has more right to something than the next person.
I don’t think it’s humanly possible not to have expectations – we are taught that actions have consequences or reactions. Based on what we have experienced, we can expect (to cite a stupid example) that if we touch a hot stove we will get burned. In the same way (from experience) we CAN expect a person to respond in a certain manner to what we say or do.
I agree that *respect* must be earned and not demanded, but I think that everybody in the whole world *should* be treated with love and kindness, no matter what!
I DO NOT believe that love and kindness must be earned – but that is only my personal opinion.
I LOVE YOU ALL UNCONDITIONALLY WORLD MOMS!!!! 🙂
Simona,
I agree with you on the quote, “Love can only be unconditional when you earn it but don’t feel you’re owed it.” Unconditional love should be just that, unconditional. Although I view unconditional love as separate from what Susie is writing about.
In the post she is talking less about loving or being loved and more about a person’s need to feel loved by those who love them, self-satisfaction, and happiness. Coming to terms in your head about your own expectations of people. To me, this is separate from unconditional love.
It could also be a cultural difference on the word love.
Maybe Susie can give us more guidance on this one!
Jen 🙂
Susie,
You discuss a huge thing I learned about being happier in life — stamping out unrealistically high expectations of people. Basic human rights and treatment are a MUST, but I’m talking about being more accepting and less easily offended. It was a big paradigm shift for me, but when I took it, it made a world of difference in my life. I”m happier and less stressed. And, I think this post is super important!!
Jen 🙂
Not sure how this “popped up” in my FB feed today (exactly a year later perhaps), but it is THE MOST appropriate these past few days. Thank you Susie, your words are sitting up front in my mind today & my wheels are turning. Things to learn by.