Recently, my 9-year-old hit a snag in his martial arts class. He practices Shotokan, a style of karate that focuses on mastering technique through continual refinement. His sensei sums it up by saying, “Practice doesn’t make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect.”
My son was a few weeks away from a belt test (new color means higher rank). For the test, he performs skills for a group of sensei to show he is ready to advance. He has completed the process several times over the years, and he had the skills down for this next step. However, in class one evening, he became frustrated and stepped away from the group. The following week he had a more difficult, emotional moment, and on the drive home, he told me it was because he wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with karate.
Here’s some of what initially ran through my head:
- No! You have a real knack for this and have gotten so much out of it.
- It’s the beginning of the school year, and you are more tired than usual. You’re just cranky.
- You should have tested already, but I screwed up booking our vacation, so you have had to wait for the next round and have plateaued in the meantime. My bad.
- After years of sitting through your classes, your brother is finally old enough to attend class too. So guess what…. we are coming here each week anyway. You might as well get something out of it.
I let all of these thoughts wash over me as I considered the best way to address this. While I didn’t want to push him to continue, quitting suddenly didn’t sit right with me either. I also knew not having a decision would stress him out. We needed a plan.
I decided on a two-part conversation. The first part addressed the emotional component. My side went something like this:
- First and foremost, you have my support. You don’t have to continue with this if it’s not something that you want to do, and you get to decide when it’s time to stop.
- It’s hard to admit when you want to end something that’s been a big part of your life. I think you’re very brave.
- As you think this through, remember the feelings that cloud the decision. It’s the beginning of school, and you are exhausted. You will feel more settled soon.
- Also, you don’t know what the right thing to do is, and that feels weird, but it shows you care. Sometimes in life you have to live with discomfort for a while until you know what to do. It will be okay. Take your time.
- Even if you don’t continue, we will be there for your brother, so think about how you will feel being on the sidelines week after week.
The second part focused on executing his decision if he decided to stop. Again, my feedback:
- If you decide you no longer want to do this, you can walk away with my support. However, we pre-pay monthly for classes, so out of respect for me and dad, I ask you to finish out this month with your best effort.
- You will be the one to tell sensei your decision, not me. You need to show him respect by explaining why you are deciding to take a break, thanking him for all his help, and asking for the opportunity to return in the future if things should change. This conversation will happen face to face. You won’t just disappear at month end.
- You are a few weeks away from a belt test. You have worked very hard over the past year preparing for this. I think you can honor all of that effort by sticking it out until the testing process. Then see you how feel. If you decide to stop, you will look back and feel good about how you ended things. We both know you can pass that test. Let yourself wrap up on a high note.
He decided to work through the test, and he advanced to the next belt. The experience re-energized him, and he is still attending classes months later. Was I happy with his success? Of course. Would I have been okay with him quitting too? Yes, because he would have done so thoughtfully.
Sensei wrote on my son’s test card that he demonstrated a great spirit.
I showed my son the comment and told him a great spirit is the key to everything. Being able to maintain that through tough decisions….that is the true test, and he passed with flying colors.
How do you help your child decide what to participate in and when it’s time to move on?
This has been an original post for World Moms Blog by Tara B.
Photo credits to the author.
Excellent advice Tara!
My 15 year old quit judo for 8 months this year after participating for 10 years.
This shocked many of us, his parents, Sensei, other judoka and friends.
He actually declared that he wasn’t as talented as everyone said….
He returned to the tatami just two months before Nationals and with a series of IPPON fought his way onto the national team again. The top two players are automatically in.
Today he left for Athens to go to an interational training camp and will be the youngest player there. He will play/train with the top adult athletes who will be fighting in Rio in the summer!
He finally realised he is talented and we used many of the strategies you mentioned.
His main problem was lack of self esteem.
Thanks for sharing this post!
Great advice!
What an exciting time for your son! I wish him luck as he pursues this next level and hope he continues to celebrate his talents. Self esteem is such a key component. Thank you for sharing your experience!
Tara, I love the way you (yet again!) used your head and heart together to turn a crisis into a positive opportunity. Nate got a chance to have his needs considered and respected, but he also got to consider consequences (to himself, but also to his family and to his sensei). He learned that his actions ripple outward and affect others as well as himself, and he learned it in a really positive way. He also got to stand back and view his accomplishments in an honest and positive way so that he could feel good about his decision instead of stressed into making one in a hurry. You are so wise and thoughtful in the ways in which you model both showing respect to him and asking him to respect both himself and others. When children feel safe in sharing their feelings and supported enough to test themselves even when scared or upset, they become thoughtful, strong and helpful people. I’m so impressed with the way you handled this situation.
You are such a great parent. This is really great advice, and I especially like this:
“It’s hard to admit when you want to end something that’s been a big part of your life. I think you’re very brave.”
As an adult, I STILL struggle with this. When I quit teaching, or decided to take a break from ghostwriting web content, I struggled so hard with the fact that these things were passions for me. I just have other passions that take priority now.
Bravo!
Thanks, Rachael! I found that by talking through this with him, it helped me keep perspective on my own decisions too. There are so many seasons of life, and some times you have to take a break and sometimes you need to push on. It can definitely be hard to think through those transitions. I appreciate your comments!
Great topic and article, Tara!
As a martial arts teacher, I’ve seen thousands of students come and go. When a student wants to quit, I’ve learned that it’s worth the time to dig deeper into the WHY.
For example, it turns out some of my superstar students wanted to quit because the pressure to remain a superstar is too much. They grow fearful of making mistakes or having an “off” day.
On the other extreme, some students wanted to quit because the pressure to BECOME a superstar is too much. They never feel “good enough” and are too frustrated to keep trying.
The solution in both cases is to praise effort over results. Telling a child you’re proud of them because they are fast, strong, or “good” at something is worthless… or even harmful. It’s far better to praise how hard they work, how they never give up, or how clever they are at finding their own way to do things.
So, praising your son’s “great spirit” is a wonderful compliment, indeed. It is a reflection of his personality, not his karate, which can be applied to anything else he wants to do.
Best wishes! 🙂
Tara – You are helping your son develop such important life skills! Your son has a role model with great spirit – you! Keep up the great work 🙂