Life in the Weeds
When I was a new mother and both of my kids were “littles” (under the age of 5), I spent a lot of time chasing them around, picking up after them and carting them to copious kiddie activities. My mother-in-law liked to refer to that phase of parenting as being “deep in the weeds.” What I understood her analogy to mean was that life with pre-elementary-school-aged kids is like working in a garden perpetually choked by weeds, no matter how much you want to enjoy the flowers, there are always weeds slowing things down.
A friend interprets this same idiom as a golf reference: when you hit a ball into the rough (weeds) and it takes a lot longer to get back onto the fairway and into the good part of the game.
And yet another friend believes this idiom refers to fishing and how always casting out into the weeds, where you have to struggle to free your hook and make a catch,
Regardless of whether you interpret this saying in reference to gardening, fishing or playing golf, being in the weeds is a tough place to find yourself and it slows you down. The phrase has stuck with us through the years and my husband and I use it still when describing the life stages of friends and family.
They don’t go away, they just get taller
At the other end of the spectrum, once my youngest entered kindergarten and I suddenly had loads of productive time on my hands, my mother-in-law congratulated me for getting “out of the weeds.” And I thought that was the extent of it, that the next phases of parenthood might bring their own ups and downs, highs and lows but that the toughest part was behind me…boy was I WRONG!
Now that my kids are teenagers, they need me in different ways. The demands have gone from being physical to intellectual. My pockets of productive time still exist but the times and ways they need me now are much more intense. They no longer need me to sort their LEGO, or chaperone their bubble baths; now they need me to help tend their academic orchards, nurture their emotional gardens and pull weeds out of their social flower beds.
Before, tears were over spilled juice or a skinned knee; now they’re over spilled gossip and broken hearts.
Your garden doesn’t have to be perfect
The saying also goes: “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence,” but sometimes when you get to the other side, you realize how good you had it where you were.
When my kids were younger and needed more of my constant attention, I envied parents with older kids, who could let them bike to friend’s houses on their own, set up their own social calendars and manage their school work. I couldn’t wait for the day my kids would be independent enough not to need me for such tasks.
But now my kids manage their entire lives online, out of parental view and input. Sometimes I don’t even know the names of all of the kids in their classes. They take the train to social engagements and address their own academic hardships with their teachers on Teams.
I witness my younger siblings raising their own littles, being thick in their own weeds and I ENVY them. I miss being needed in simple and manageable ways. Being required to do things I was capable of doing and the sense of accomplishment I got from tedious but rewarding tasks like making homemade Valentine’s cards.
What I’ve learned: Don’t fight the weeds, struggle makes us stronger. No matter what stage your kids are in, the most important task as a parent is to nurture the garden, regardless of the growing season.
Kyla P'an (Portugal)
Kyla was born in suburban Philadelphia but spent most of her time growing up in New England. She took her first big, solo-trip at age 14, when she traveled to visit a friend on a small Greek island. Since then, travels have included: three months on the European rails, three years studying and working in Japan, and nine months taking the slow route back from Japan to the US when she was done. In addition to her work as Managing Editor of World Moms Network, Kyla is a freelance writer, copy editor, recovering triathlete and occasional blogger. Until recently, she and her husband resided outside of Boston, Massachusetts, where they were raising two spunky kids, two frisky cats, a snail, a fish and a snake. They now live outside of Lisbon, Portugal with two spunky teens and three frisky cats. You can read more about Kyla’s outlook on the world and parenting on her personal blogs, Growing Muses And Muses Where We Go
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As a mom of two “twenty somethings” I couldn’t agree more! I often think back to being “in the weeds” with nostalgia, but (as you so rightly say) each “growing season” has its own benefits. I just wish that I had known this sooner and not have been in such a hurry for them to grow up!
I hear ya Mama Simona!! But in all fairness, I bet we each had friends of older kids or mentioned that to us and all we could do was scowl, right? There was nothing I hated more than trying to manage a squirming toddler in line at Target while some older woman in front of me looked on longingly and told me to cherish these times. WHAT?!?! I get them now…
I love this, it’s so true. As a mom I did not anticipate how it would feel to have to entrust my kids out into to the world, and I suppose to themselves, as I relinquish the majority of that safety net I could provide for them when they were little. Each stage is unique and to be savored, embrace the weeds!
Embrace indeed, I’m holding onto the weeds as tight as I can. Parenting is like the Fox Trot, slow, slow, Quick. It felt like we were pulled into many directions at once when they were young and now sometimes I’m not even pulled in ONE direction. Sometimes I don’t even know the. Questions I need to ask to find out what I don’t know…weeds are tricky.
I know what you are saying. When I was pregnant, all I wanted was for the baby to come out and be relieved of the misery of morning sickness etc. Once he was born, and whenever he fell sick, I started wishing he was back inside me. When he began walking, I thought “I wish he was still a baby who stayed where I laid him :)” and so on. Now he is 11, and I really want to go back to his chubby roly-poly years when I could just hug him and receive his ringing laughter and kisses back 🙂
EXACTLY, we always have our eyes set on the stage ahead when our vision is actually 20/20 in hindsight. It is very difficult to live in the moment and embrace the presence, we are a creature wired for preparing for the future, storing grain for the winter. While this is an important, evolutionary adaptation, it makes parenting go way too fast sometimes.
Interesting Kyla.
I often wish for my son to get older, thinking he’d be easier! But yet I realise he’s growing already so fast, and it is as I haven’t embrace fully each of his earlier phases.
We tend to anticipate many things, maybe it’s the way human nature is.
Your words come as a reminder to embrace the present as we can. Every step comes with ups and downs anyway.
This is the slippery slope of parenting, we often don’t have the skills we need for the stage we’re in until AFTER the stage has passed. This is why cultures that live in multi-generational households benefit so much from the wisdom of the elders, who have been down the road before. Seeking out the wisdom of elders certainly had a big impact on why my family has always sought out houses of worship, it’s one of the few remaining places that embraces and combines all generations under one collective roof. I’m glad if my simple words could help any of us remember that parenting for the phase we’re in is the most important thing.