“I can’t do it anymore!”
I said it. It was not easy but I needed to let emotions go and tell the truth. I didn’t know it but I had hit parental burnout. It did not come out of nowhere but I had kept the situation at a distance for some time. I did not want to show my weaknesses. I did not want people to see this side of me.
For months and months I kept repeating to myself that I could manage, that some other women had more than one kid, some had more issues, illness, parents to deal with and they could make it work at the end of the day. Therefore, I could too.
The breaking point
Then, one day, I found myself locked in the bathroom, crying. Tears were heavy and on the other side of the door was my kid but I could not come out; I could not find the strength to make a step towards him; I could not get past my anger and pain—like I had many times in the past—and give him a hug.
I was not myself anymore. In addition, after every crisis, I hated myself. I was afraid of my violence, of the words, of what my own body and mind were able to do towards the most precious person of my life. I even asked myself at some stage if I really loved my son and if it would not be better to let him go live with other people. Home wasn’t safe. Family life felt like hell.
Shame
I was so ashamed I could not tell other mums or even family or friends. How can one say “I don’t like being with my child?” I was thinking that if I tell, Social Services would take my child away from me; or worse, give him to his dad. I could not imagine this.
I kept smiling outside, and the worst is that people told me I was a good mum. They didn’t know how awful these words made me feel, even guiltier than I felt already!
I kept crying indoors. I thought about my son, the one who helped me get away from an abusive marriage. And, here I was, making a mess of his life.
I cried for a long time this day and when I got out, I made myself only one promise: ask for help.
Asking for help
A week later, I was spilling my guts in front of a psychologist. I told her all the things I could not tell myself. I said out loud that I was scared to go home, that I was scared to cause harm to my son, that I could not go on like this, exhausted, feeling empty and mentally absent. I told her I was just surviving, doing the things that needed to be done.
Week after week I let go, I told her the chaos, my violent outbursts that I could not control, the fear in my son’s eyes when I was shouting and knocking on the walls, my wish, many times, to kill myself as it was becoming too hard and harmful for both of us. I was losing confidence as a mother, as a woman, as an individual. My life was slipping out of control.
Naming it
This is called parental burnout. It refers to a prolonged situation of emotional imbalance, where the burdens of stress overcome personal resources to deal with life as it is. It can be compared to post-partum depression but it’s mostly linked to one’s parenting role and tasks.
Asking for help saved my family. I started writing at the same time, sharing my story with others, as guilt and shame were slowly fading. It’s not something I like to remember but I know that personal experiences can be of help. When facing such hardships in one’s life, loneliness is a killer.
We should all be strong together, being able to listen, without judgement, but with an attitude that will help women to open up before it’s too late. Parental burnout is a real and scary reality for many parents, especially single moms.
Have you heard about parental burnout before? Have you been there or do you know someone living such an experience?
Wow, Marie, really powerful read. I’m so sorry you experienced this and truly hope you’re finding your way and getting the help and support you need. Parenting is tough with two supportive souls, I can only imagine how compounded it must be to go it alone. But I also know how strong you are and what an incredible support system you have, including all of the World Moms here. Thank you for sharing your journey with us!
Marie thank you for sharing this. Sincerely.
Dearest Marie, the bravest thing any of us can do is ask for help. Even though I am married to a loving and supportive spouse, I live with chronic pain and mental health issues. Twice I had to spend time in a Mental Health Clinic due to suicidal thoughts. Trust me, a good mother will always worry about being “good enough”. I worried that my bouts of depression somehow damaged my children, but children are way more resilient than we think! My son is 28 years old, brilliant, happily married and living in Germany. My 25 year old daughter is in a happy and committed relationship. She is beautiful inside and out. Despite (or maybe because of) what they went through as children, they’re both very mature, caring and reliable adults. I tell you this so you can stop feeling guilty! All your son really needs to flourish is the knowledge that you love him unconditionally and that you are proud of him. Nothing else matters in the grand scheme of things. Remember that you are not alone! The World Moms have got your back! ????????
Dear Marie,
Thank you so much for writing this incredible post. Asking for help is the bravest thing one can do, especially as Moms. As moms, we forget that we need to take care of ourselves as well as caring for our loved ones. When my daughter was born, I had no clue how to care for her and there were times when I felt like i was never going to figure it out, but slowly and with help from my husband and in-laws, they gave me the space to be there for my daughter. My daughter is now 22 and in a committed relationship with her boyfriend of 5 years. I’m telling you this because, I, too, had bursts of anger and frustration when she was little and felt alone even while surrounded by family. I do know that once I got help, I was able to be there for my daughter and see her grow into a beautiful, caring and amazing young woman who loves everyone she meets.
Please continue to pour your heart out and continue to ask for help and know that you will be okay. Also, please know that World Moms care about you and your family and are here for you whenever you need us. Sending you so much love. xoxo Tes
Marie is back!!! Oui!!!! Marie, thank you for this post. One person can only do so much. You showed us your “real” and for that you are a good mom — you got help. I know from talking with you how much you love your son. ❤️ You will get through. We’re here to support you! ❤️❤️❤️ You are never alone on your worst days. We all have them. ❤️
Thanks a lot Kyla for your words and support. I got help and life is much better these days.
I am confident that this is over. But yet it had to be adressed.
Thank you for reading and for your words Sophia.
Take care
Thanks a lot Tess for sharing parts of your story. I am glad this is behind you too and that you can rejoince in seeing your daughter growing well and secure.
Kids are not coming with a full notice and we have to learn and adjust as they grow.
Asking for help is definitely the best thing to do. And even if it’s not the easiest part, once it’s done we can see that we are making progresses and things are changing around.
As mums we are good at taking care of others, that’s true!!
Much love.
Thanks so much Simona.
Your words and support are precious.
Take care
Bonsoir,
Vous m’aviez encouragée -sans pour autant m’enjoindre- à continuer mes balbutiements toilés, pour l’agenda ironique de Laurence Delis.
À mon tour … https://lyssamara.wordpress.com/2022/01/02/agenda-ironique-de-janvier/
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