When I was a new mother and both of my kids were “littles” (under the age of 5), I spent a lot of time chasing them around, picking up after them and carting them to copious kiddie activities. My mother-in-law liked to refer to that phase of parenting as being “deep in the weeds.” What I understood her analogy to mean was that life with pre-elementary-school-aged kids is like working in a garden perpetually choked by weeds, no matter how much you want to enjoy the flowers, there are always weeds slowing things down.
A friend interprets this same idiom as a golf reference: when you hit a ball into the rough (weeds) and it takes a lot longer to get back onto the fairway and into the good part of the game.
And yet another friend believes this idiom refers to fishing and how always casting out into the weeds, where you have to struggle to free your hook and make a catch,
Regardless of whether you interpret this saying in reference to gardening, fishing or playing golf, being in the weeds is a tough place to find yourself and it slows you down. The phrase has stuck with us through the years and my husband and I use it still when describing the life stages of friends and family.
They don’t go away, they just get taller
At the other end of the spectrum, once my youngest entered kindergarten and I suddenly had loads of productive time on my hands, my mother-in-law congratulated me for getting “out of the weeds.” And I thought that was the extent of it, that the next phases of parenthood might bring their own ups and downs, highs and lows but that the toughest part was behind me…boy was I WRONG!
Now that my kids are teenagers, they need me in different ways. The demands have gone from being physical to intellectual. My pockets of productive time still exist but the times and ways they need me now are much more intense. They no longer need me to sort their LEGO, or chaperone their bubble baths; now they need me to help tend their academic orchards, nurture their emotional gardens and pull weeds out of their social flower beds.
Before, tears were over spilled juice or a skinned knee; now they’re over spilled gossip and broken hearts.
Your garden doesn’t have to be perfect
The saying also goes: “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence,” but sometimes when you get to the other side, you realize how good you had it where you were.
When my kids were younger and needed more of my constant attention, I envied parents with older kids, who could let them bike to friend’s houses on their own, set up their own social calendars and manage their school work. I couldn’t wait for the day my kids would be independent enough not to need me for such tasks.
But now my kids manage their entire lives online, out of parental view and input. Sometimes I don’t even know the names of all of the kids in their classes. They take the train to social engagements and address their own academic hardships with their teachers on Teams.
I witness my younger siblings raising their own littles, being thick in their own weeds and I ENVY them. I miss being needed in simple and manageable ways. Being required to do things I was capable of doing and the sense of accomplishment I got from tedious but rewarding tasks like making homemade Valentine’s cards.
What I’ve learned: Don’t fight the weeds, struggle makes us stronger. No matter what stage your kids are in, the most important task as a parent is to nurture the garden, regardless of the growing season.
Kyla was born in suburban Philadelphia but spent most of her time growing up in New England. She took her first big, solo-trip at age 14, when she traveled to visit a friend on a small Greek island. Since then, travels have included: three months on the European rails, three years studying and working in Japan, and nine months taking the slow route back from Japan to the US when she was done. In addition to her work as Managing Editor of World Moms Network, Kyla is a freelance writer, copy editor, recovering triathlete and occasional blogger. Until recently, she and her husband resided outside of Boston, Massachusetts, where they were raising two spunky kids, two frisky cats, a snail, a fish and a snake. They now live outside of Lisbon, Portugal with two spunky teens and three frisky cats. You can read more about Kyla’s outlook on the world and parenting on her personal blogs, Growing Muses And Muses Where We Go
My paternal grandfather passed away on the day of Diwali. I had never known him. He passed away long before my parents got married. Every time I think of him, I feel a soft gentle wave of love from his heart and a hidden smile on his lips. I have heard from a few relatives that he was a short-tempered person, but nevertheless a gentle one if you know what I mean. My paternal grandmother’s sister (who passed away just a few years ago, and she is another beautiful soul about whom I shall write another day) used to talk a lot about him, and all the wonderful stories I have heard about him are through her, and a few of course from my own father too.
However, I could never mourn my grandfather. Because I never knew him.
I only knew of him in a celebratory sort of way or as a legend, the way my paternal grandmother’s sister spoke about him. As a child, I did not understand why my (joint and extended) family never celebrated Diwali when all my friends did. My brother was more vocal about it. He asked questions and finally, our father saw through our confusion, and also our need to feel belonged to the community we lived in. My father also is a very soft, gentle, and compassionate person who puts the other person’s needs in front of his. He probably did not want to disappoint the family he was born into by disturbing their day of mourning. But now with two extroverted and high-spirited children, he did not want to disappoint them either.
So finally we started celebrating Diwali.
We burst crackers, hung out with friends, shopped till we dropped dead tired, decorated the house. Having done everything people did on days leading to, and on Diwali day, we felt better about the whole thing initially. We are not a religious family. In India, Diwali is all about a spirit. It is not about religion – well though of course it is a festival of lights, and signifies good over evil, the day the Lord won over the demons, and so on.
But Diwali is more about the spirit of community, celebration, unity, love, and light.
It is like Christmas in India – that is, you just celebrate it because it feels good, it feels happy and it is in the air.
A lot of times, on Diwali we used to travel to Chennai, and spend time with our extended Heartfulness community in the Heartfulness center because that was also so much fun for us as children. As we grew up, we did that more often, and that was more joyous, as we had a nice reunion with a lot of family and friends in Chennai in the Heartfulness center, where we used to spend a couple of days during and after Diwali.
After I got married, the idea of Diwali changed.
My husband’s family believed in celebrating Diwali more traditionally, and I felt I should honor that, to the best of my capacity. I did what I could in my wisdom and knowledge at that time. Earlier, our father went out of the way to make us feel happy, cherished, and give us a sense of belonging. I remembered our father making sure everyone felt the spirit of love, light, and kindness. And well, I felt inspired to emulate that, in my current small capacity, at that time.
This year and the past one have been tough for all of us including me. Today, our son, his friends, and our community refuse to burst crackers, and I appreciate that so much. He says he has taken the ‘green pledge’ in his school and refuses to pollute the atmosphere with the fumes from the crackers. I think I honor this more than anything else. Diwali is yet another day in his life. My son’s friends just hang out and play Minecraft or football. Or they just spend those extra hours of the holiday in their Lit-club or Debate-club. Or sometimes, just switch on the AC, close the door of the room, and make some music album covers. And what do we do as a couple? It is a day of rest and respite, a day for catching up with each other.
The spirit of Diwali stays on, in spite of things that have changed so much in our respective lives.
The spirit of Diwali, is about leading us from ignorance to knowledge, from darkness to light, from death to immortality. The Sanskrit verse which signifies this truth is from the Upanishads, one of the ancient texts of India. Once, I had this most inspiring moment of feeling belonged to this extraordinary heritage and rich culture. That was when I heard the lyrics of the background score from the movie Matrix. Those lyrics which signify the spirit of Diwali made me feel part of this ancient wisdom and evolutionary path too.
So, whatever you do on this Diwali day, enjoy the light in your heart, the love in the air, and peace in the universe.
And of course, listen to the background score from the movie Matrix!
Purnima Ramakrishnan is an UNCA award winning journalist and the recipient of the fellowship in Journalism by International Reporting Project, John Hopkins School of Advanced International Studies. Her International reports from Brazil are found here .
She is also the recipient of the BlogHer '13 International Activist Scholarship Award .
She is a Senior Editor at World Moms Blog who writes passionately about social and other causes in India. Her parental journey is documented both here at World Moms Blog and also at her personal Blog, The Alchemist's Blog. She can be reached through this page .
She also contributes to Huffington Post .
Purnima was once a tech-savvy gal who lived in the corporate world of sleek vehicles and their electronics. She has a Master's degree in Electronics Engineering, but after working for 6 years as a Design Engineer, she decided to quit it all to become a Stay-At-Home-Mom to be with her son!
This smart mom was born and raised in India, and she has moved to live in coastal India with her husband, who is a physician, and her son who is in primary grade school.
She is a practitioner and trainer of Heartfulness Meditation.
Hi World Moms! We run a series titled “Meet A World Mom” to showcase our contributors from different parts of the world to share about who they are and what’s happening in their lives. We thought of featuring Kirsten Doyle today for her 11th year anniversary of joining the original World Moms Blog! So here she is:
What country do you live in?
I’ve been living in Toronto, Canada for 21 years.
What country are you from?
I was born in South Africa and lived there for most of my life until I moved to Canada.
What language(s) do you speak?
My primary language is English, and I can kind of speak Afrikaans because I had to learn it in school.
How many children do you have and what are their ages?
I have two boys. George just turned 18, and James will be 16 at the end of the year. George is autistic and mostly non-verbal. He is a Special Olympics athlete, and he raised the Special Olympics flag at the opening ceremony of the Youth Games in Toronto in 2019.
James is combining his dual passions of cars and the environment by building a hybrid-electric sports car. He is a motorsports journalist who at the age of 11 interviewed F1 Grand Prix legend Mario Andretti.
How did you connect with World Moms Network?
I came across one of the original World Moms Blog posts by chance many years ago and got in touch with our fearless leader, Jen. I signed on as a writer straight away, and the rest is history.
How long have you been a part of World Moms Network?
Almost since the beginning – 10 or 11 years.
How do you spend your days? (work, life, etc.)
I’m a self-employed mental health and addictions writer, and I run two YouTube channels. One focuses on family and autism content, and the other is connected to my writing business. All of my work is done from home, which means I never have to worry about traffic!
I am an active advocate for people with disabilities and special needs. I am on the board of directors of Citizens With Disabilities – Ontario (CWDO) and I am part of the Toronto District School Board’s Special Education Advisory Committee (SEAC). I am also on the local Community Police Liaison Committee, where I advocate for an end to racism in policing and mental health education and training for police officers.
My recreational time is spent hanging out with my family, reading, working on my “fun” writing (novels and short stories), and putting in laps at the local pool.
What are the top 5 places on your travel wish list?
I love to travel, and I’m fortunate to have been able to see many parts of the world. But there’s still so much out there for me to see. I’d love to go to New Zealand, Norway, Antarctica, the Maritime provinces in Canada, and Ireland.
What is your best motherhood advice?
Try not to listen to people who judge your parenting choices. There is no magic formula for parenting – we’re all just muddling along doing the best we can, and learning as we go.
What is one random thing that most people would be surprised to know about you?
I’m on the autism spectrum! I always had a sense, growing up, that I was not the same as my peers. I had many delays and learning difficulties as a child, but very little was known about autism back then, and my family was not able to get the answers that we can get today. It was only after my own son was diagnosed with autism that I recognized the parallels between his childhood development and mine, and looked into it further.
How did you get through quarantine/lockdown (2020/21)?
With difficulty! I thought it would be easy – I’m an introvert, I’m socially awkward, I already work from home… I was social distancing way before social distancing became a thing. But I had a hard time, because all of a sudden 100% of my family was home 100% of the time. I love them all, but I need my alone time. So I got serious about YouTube – I revived one channel and started another. It gave me something to get lost in and learn about.
What’s your favorite social media platform, if any?
Facebook, because it helps me stay connected with friends and family members who are far away.
What brings you joy?
I always love spending time with my family. From time to time, we’ll take off on a drive and spend a night or two in a hotel – so much to see in Ontario! And I love spending time with my family in South Africa as well. Whenever I can (once a year or so in non-COVID times) I fly there to see my mom and my brother, and those trips are always amazing.
I like them all! If pressed to pick one, I’d go with reducing inequality. I believe that most of the problems in the world are created by inequitable distribution of wealth and power, and discrimination on the basis of race, gender identity, sexual orientation, religion, and disability. End inequality, give everyone fair access to opportunities and resources, and the world will be a much better place.
World Moms Network is an award winning website whose mission statement is "Connecting mothers; empowering women around the globe." With over 70 contributors who write from over 30 countries, the site covered the topics of motherhood, culture, human rights and social good.
Most recently, our Senior Editor in India, Purnima Ramakrishnan was awarded "Best Reporting on the UN" form the UNCA. The site has also been named a "Top Website for Women" by FORBES Woman and recommended by the NY Times Motherlode and the Times of India. Follow our hashtags: #worldmom and #worldmoms
Formerly, our site was known as World Moms Blog.
