I grew up in a devoted Roman Catholic household, but over time, I have drifted away from the church. I have the utmost respect for all my friends and family who are practicing Catholics, but as I really pondered my own spiritual beliefs and stance on various social issues over the years, I realized that the Catholic Church wasn’t the best fit for me.
To be honest, I lean more toward agnosticism. I believe we are part of something much bigger than ourselves to which we can positively contribute by our words and actions, but I am not sure how I define that “something.” I am a spiritual and moral person, but I don’t feel drawn to formal religion. And I do not want to go through the motions with something if it does not truly resonate with me.
While all of this felt fine for me and my similarly minded husband for years, I started to panic when I became pregnant. Despite my misgivings about certain teachings of the Catholic Church, I do value my childhood that was grounded in a church community.
I thought about how I learned about death at an early age, having several members of older generations of my family pass away. While uncomfortable and sad, there were clear rituals for dealing with death and clear explanations about where these folks were going. It was comforting to have that. As a new parent without a religious home, I worried about how I would tackle these things with my children.
I tried to be practical. On my pre-natal check list, I had “Find Religion” listed somewhere near “Write Birth Plan.” I tried visiting the Catholic Church again. While enjoying a sense of nostalgia, I still didn’t feel at home there. I explored other types of churches, but none of them really addressed my agnostic tendencies. I came the closest at a Unitarian Church, but it felt so loose, so non-churchy, that my old Catholic sensibilities couldn’t be satisfied.
I guess I learned that you can’t force a religious awakening, even if there is a baby on the way. Instead of looking for those external supports, I decided to focus on building positive rituals into my own home.
As my first son got older, we began doing “intentions” together. We start the day with our morning intention that states, “Let’s be present to enjoy all today has to offer. Let’s celebrate our rosy moments. Let’s learn from our thorny moments. And let’s honor and respect ourselves and each other with love and kindness. Let’s make it a great day.” Then we blow each other a kiss. My second son, still a toddler, cannot recite these words with us, but he understands the ritual and joins in by blowing a kiss at the end.
We pause before meals and remember to be thankful for the food we are going to eat. And at the end of the day, we do an evening intention, in which we remember the parts of the day that were most meaningful.
It’s a start, but it doesn’t tackle the big questions. When my son wanted to understand what happens when you die, I faced my first real challenge. I wanted to provide him security and comfort, but I had to be honest about my beliefs. Instead of saying “this is how it is,” I decided to frame things with “this is what different people believe.”
We talked about how some people think of God like a person who created everything and watches over us, and when we die we go to be with him. We also talked about how some people have different ideas about what God is, and how some people don’t believe in God at all.
We talked about different cultures and religions. Around holidays, I not only celebrate the secular pieces but explain any religious significance behind them. I explained to him that as he grows, I will help him learn about all of these different faiths and ways of talking to God, so he can figure out what feels right to him, even if it’s different from what I believe.
Right now, he said he likes to think about God as a person he can talk to, and he has renamed my “intentions” to “prayers,” which I support fully. I thought not giving him all of the answers would be too stressful for him, but he seems ok with having these things be a work in progress.
I don’t know where our journeys of faith will take us, and I am not discounting joining a church again someday. But for now, it is all based in our home.
Were you raised with religion, and do you still practice it with your children? How do you pray?
This has been an original post to World Moms Blog by Tara B. of Washington (State) USA.
Photo credit to the author.
I loved reading this. I can relate in so many ways to your thoughts and feelings about religion and its role in your family’s life. A lot of people go to church every Sunday and make their sacraments, but they don’t live their faith on a daily basis. If there is no meaning behind it, if it’s only ritual, then I feel like it doesn’t provide any meaning in their lives. What you’re doing with your children – talking to them about the meaning of God in the world and how to live their spirituality on a daily basis – that’s more valuable than having a label of being a certain religion. I admire what you’re doing.
Thank you for your supportive remarks, Kally. It’s been a journey, and I still feel guilty at times about not raising them in the same religion in which I was raised. But what we are doing just feels right for us. And I am glad you are still poking around WMB! I always enjoyed your articles 😉
Tara, you’ve inspired me to write a response post, maybe Kirsten will even let me run it tomorrow…
thanks for sharing your beautiful words about spirituality without a label. Even though I am a devout Christian and am raising our kids with a strong church presence in their lives, I grapple with your same issues on a daily basis. In the end, I feel the exposure to people and families with similar values and the multi-generational community that church provides for us outweighs my many questions and uncertainties of organized religion.
I think your intention is beautiful and want to adopt it in our daily routine. Amen.
Kyla – thank you for kind words. And you hit the nail on the head of what I grapple with….the mult-generational community of shared values that a church provides. I miss that feel of community and would love for my boys to experience it in some form. So I continue to be open minded about it all, because you never know where life takes you. Many blessing to you!
stay tuned next week for my post in response to yours (titled: Raising Religion) maybe it’ll inspire you to try a new denomination…or not.
Tara, this post really struck home with me as I am in the same position as you with religion. I was raised somewhat religious yet now find that I don’t believe in the same things as the church preaches. My son is 7 now and asking questions yet I can’t find myself sitting in church every week when it isn’t what I personally believe. I am thinking of perhaps sending him and my daughter this summer to a one week bible summer camp. I’ve heard they are fun and then at least it would expose them to religion. I want them to learn about it and make their own choices. So that was the best thing I could come up with. Great post!
Thirdeyemom – Thanks for your comments, and I like the idea of bible camp for kids. Someone close to me who was struggling with similar issues told me how at the end of the day, she made the choice to be part of the church community because she was someone who needed the external supports…a guide…a teacher. She didn’t want to do it on her own. I can relate to that. So in thinking more about this and your remarks, I’m feeling that things like bible camps or bible studies or even attending festivals for different faith centers would be a great way to talk to our kids about religion. And it will help me in my journey too! Keep me posted on how it goes for you and your family.
Found this through Kyla’s post today. I was also raised in a RC home, and appreciate the structure and community that made childhood so cozy. In high school, I began to question doctrine. As an adult, I no longer consider myself R. Catholic, although I fully respect those who do, and I am grateful for growing up in a faith. I found a home with the “low” Episcopalians (liberal theology, lovely liturgy) but every parish is different and, after moving, am church homeless again–and okay with that, for now.
I love your daily intentions–may try to incorporate those in our home as well. Thank you for your thoughtful post.
Thanks for your comments, Elizabeth. I think moving also can also play a big part in these things. I live 3000 miles away from where I grew up, and I wonder if I still lived in my hometown if perhaps I would be attending the church I grew up in. Hmm… Either way, like you, I am fine with where I am right now and will stay open for the future. Best to you!
I could have written this myself, wow!!!! I grew up Catholic, but it wasn’t the right fit for me, I have been looking for something else, considered unitarian universalists, have kids who have asked a lot of questions, I have given them similar answers, want to expose them to other religions & make their own choices, etc. We have had some deaths in the family and I have found that they need to have more concrete answers. That is the short version, but I find it remarkable and comorting to be on the same path as you.
Maggie -I find your comments remarkable and comforting too! Not having a church we attend, I don’t spend much time intentionally talking with people about spirituality other than my kids, let alone talking to those who are similar to me. So it is comforting to find others who are like minded. I would love to hear from you again on what is working for you. Thanks for your comments!
Hi Tara!
Sorry for my delay in responding to this thoughtful post. I’m really interested in anthropology and the part I find most fascinating is world religion and beliefs. It is absolutely amazing of how many thought systems of beliefs have been born on the planet. I think that there is something out there, but just as humans are diverse in so many other things, we are also diverse in how we believe in and explain things. And, I absolutely respect that.
I also think that fear of the unknown in belief systems can cause a negative human situation of “us” vs. “them” to occur, and I hope this blog can help to alleviate that occurrence and that more people will gain a newfound respect for people who have different belief systems (not be converted, just understand how other people do things and so we can work together to do great things, like make friends who are different from us and solve the world’s problems together).
My husband and I do not practice any formal religion, although both our families’ recent roots are in Christianity. If we go back even deeper, we have found that our ancient ancestors practiced many different religions prior to Christianity. We plan to teach our children the stories of the Bible including the story of Jesus. I really think Jesus’ teachings helped form me as a person and motivated me to want to help people. However, we also plan to not stop there, and expose our children to the teachings of as many of the world’s religions as we can because I think there is so much to gain by having a diverse knowledge of thought systems — we plan to do this through stories, reading, meeting new people and travel.
Also, for example, we will be having a small, intimate family “Welcoming” party for our youngest daughter, instead of a religious ceremony. This has motivated my husband and I to come up with our own “manifesto” type document about our goals in raising our children. It has been exciting to write something so specific and intimate and to be able to take things from different believe systems and weave it into our own personal plan.
Our daughters, when they’re older, will be free to choose their own belief system, whether that is in line with ours, or is something that they’ve been exposed to or found themselves that really speaks to them. The main thing is that we want to raise them to be good people, and to respect others and to organically be motivated help people and to be nice to others.
It gives us a lot to think and debate about at home!
Thanks for sharing your intimate religious thoughts on World Moms Blog. Great post.
Jen 🙂
Thank you for your comments, Jen. I love the idea of a welcoming party for a child! How wonderful to share that as a family and for you and your husband to create you own unique manifesto. Love it!
Like you, I am fascinated by religion. While I don’t practice any religion myself, I love to talk to people about their beliefs, and when I find someone who is really happy and connected with their faith community, I question them endlessly. I like to think about it like a road map. There are so many different ways to get to a destination, and enjoy studying them all in my quest to find my path.
I look forward to hearing more about your party!
I just got around to reading this now.
I grew up more religious than I am now although I consider myself religious still. I keep the Sabbath, kosher and other “laws”. And there are some I don’t.
For me the hardest reconciliation having to do with religion is the split of the sects within the religions. For crying out loud-we believe in the same God, why can’t we agree on things? Why is there the need to be more strict and look down on others who aren’t doing the same.
So much of religion is fear motivated instead of love motivated. Kind of the difference between obeying your parents because you are afraid of them or obeying them because you love and respect them.
The part about religion and the way I practice it now that I love is that it is community and family centered. Sabbath is spent with the family and friends around out table or theirs. (Think christmas meal twice in a weekend).
My personal challenge the past few years has been reconciling my spiritual beliefs with my religious ones.
And btw-it was great meeting you and talking with you.
Susie – thanks for your remarks! I am a little slow in getting caught up on the blog.
I agree with you that the fear motivation is disappointing. Luckily, there is that love motivation as well that brings so many positive things to the world.
My brother-in-law is Jewish, and I once attended a Passover Seder with all of my sister and brother in law’s friends. It was such a warm, loving, wonderful evening where all the rituals were honored but in a contemporary way in someone’s home. I loved it! So different than having everything happening in a church, which is what I was more accustomed to. It helped me really think about all the different ways to show faith in this world.
And I really enjoyed meeting you too!
Lovely post. I like the “intentions” — reminds me of what I do at the beginning of a yoga class, where I frame an intention for myself to focus on during my practice. We live now in a Muslim country where the call to prayer sounds five times a day: we’re surrounded by “god” and yet we are not at all a religious household. My kids (7 & 11) have questions…and I’m going to have to think of some words to help them on their own journeys. Thanks.
Your experience sounds fascinating! I would love to hear what you come up with for your kids. And yes, yoga/meditation is an influence for me with all of this. Thanks for your comments!