So here I am, on vacation with my family (down at the Jersey Shore for those of you familiar with the awful TV show with the same name), enjoying, or supposed to be enjoying, the beach.
We were lucky enough to be able to find an apartment for rent, which is right next to the beach. This is so convenient, since we don’t have to worry about eating out every single meal while on vacation (which as you moms know, is not as healthy as preparing the food at home). It’s also convenient for when the little ones are tired, and we can just call it a day and walk up to our apartment.
The problem is, I find that I am spending more time in this apartment than on the beach, usually with one, if not both, of my children. In fact the only “alone time” I have had since we arrived, is a two-block walk to buy some bread for lunch the other day.
I feel as if I have been constantly cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, grocery shopping, nursing, baby minding…. pretty much everything that I do at home (except for my “day” job).
I should mention, here, in the USA it is pretty “normal” to feed the children a cold lunch, such as a sandwich and chips or fruit. My French mother did not bring me up this way, nor am I doing so for my family. My children always have a warm full meal for lunch and dinner (the only concession I have made to my own upbringing is breakfast…I will give my son a cold cereal for breakfast, esp on days when we are in a rush).
My husband, who is not complaining about the warm nutritious meals every day, said “why don’t you take some time for yourself?” Although well-intentioned, that question made me want to explode!
How can he expect me to take any time for myself when I am physically attached to the baby at the hip (there are times were she will not even let me put her into the stroller to go for a walk)? Or a 4-year-old who is currently going through some jealousy/regression issues and constantly calling out “maman, maman” (just like his little sister does) every chance he gets?
I have been managing to get about an hour of beach time every other day, after everyone has been fed their lunch, and the kitchen and dishes have been cleaned, at the sacrifice of the baby’s afternoon nap. She doesn’t mind, since she loves the beach, but what that means is that she will be going to sleep much earlier that evening. I need to have dinner ready by 5:30pm or 6:00pm, so she has some dinner before falling asleep for the night.
That being said, although I have been doing a lot of work, I have also had a lot of fun on this trip. My daughter has walked for the first time, my son has learned to “ride the waves”, and play a little more independently in the surf. My daughter, too, played in the water for the first time (and loved every moment of it – even being slathered by sunscreen and eating the sand).
We rented bikes with a baby seat and a tandem attachment – which I highly recommend for when your child is 4-6 years old and does not know how to properly ride a 2 wheeler yet – for “family bike rides.” I rode a bike for the first time in 20 years (and discovered that I am not as young as I used to be, and a few things hurt after a while). 🙂
We went to the amusement park and rode in mini roller coasters and bumper cars and ate way too much ice cream. So even without any alone down time, I have been having fun with my family.
As if on cue, my husband has just walked in (as I am typing this) with a dripping wet, cold 4-year-old in tow and went back to the beach for some alone time to enjoy the sun and relax. He’s left me to bathe and entertain my little man and watch my still sleeping baby. He walked out with a smile saying “A mother’s job is never done!” My thoughts exactly…. and I wouldn’t have it any other way! **Sigh**
How do you make time for yourself, either on vacation or at home? Do you ever feel your vacation is an extension of home life, or do you just let it all go?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Maman Aya of New York, USA.
Photo credit to the United States National Archives, which states that there is no known copyright restrictions for this photo.
I’m coming from the opposite side of the food problem- my mother almost always gave us cereal for breakfast on weekdays, but my Japanese husband expects a three course meal. It’s so frustrating to try to pull that together in the morning, and I don’t usually have the time or energy to do it at night. My four-year-old takes her lunch to school. Japanese bento are a lot more elaborate than the pb&j +apple combo I always had in my tin lunch box! I often feel like I’ve put in a whole days work by 8am. Hope the rest of your “vacation” goes smoothly.
I am always amazed at the Japanese bento boxes. They are so intricate and beautifully prepared. I feel like someone put a lot of effort and love into them. I too prepare a full menu for my son to take to school everyday, although I prepare everything at night, so that all I have to do in the morning is warm it up and put it into a thermos, so I can completely sympathize with you re having a full day’s work by 8am (throw in a nursing baby, and it really gets crazy in the mornings).
Thanks for stopping by!
Sorry I’ve been there and done this to some extent and I also know I should bite my tongue and not say what I’m thinking (which I can never do)
Can’t hubby take his turn with the children so you get some down time as well – You’re both on holiday after all. The children need to benefit from time spent with dad as well.
Can’t the children have ‘cold yet healthy lunches’ for holidays as something different?
I learnt very quickly as a young mum that not taking down time for yourself can be very detrimental to both yourself and your children when a ‘crash and burn’ moment occurs. They happen when you least expect them and sometimes husbands need to be able to step up
Take time for you – you owe it to yourself and your children
Fiona – you are so right! And in his own way he does “help”, or at least he tries, but he is not as adept at handling both of them at the same time. Yes, I do give in occasionally with a “cold yet healthy” meal, but I feel like if I have a kitchen available to me, I should use it, after all, that was one of the reasons we chose to rent an apt for the week, as opposed to a hotel, right? Especially since they are still so young, they need the proper nutrition these first few years. I agree that I need to take time for myself, I have told my husband, that once the baby is fully weened, that I am going away to a spa with a girlfriend for a weekend (hopefully 🙂 )….I have come too close to those burn out moments. Thanks for stopping by!
P.S. You should never bite your tongue…. that’s the reason we are all part of WMB 🙂
Thumbs up Fiona. You said it, but we were all thinking it.
This from someone who cooks for her dog everyday!
Ladies – let me introduce you to my sister 🙂
This is hysterical! 🙂 Welcome, Tati!
Jen 🙂
Time for myself? Is that an option? 😉 I find that holidays are just as tirering, if not more, than just being at home. When on holiday I have high expectations to having some alone time, but it never happens, so I end up being a bit dissapointment in addition to being stressed! I am lucky though as my husband appreciates that I do need time to relax (just as he does) so I do get a lot of support from him 🙂
You are lucky Asta! I agree that it is more tiring to be on holiday sometimes. Do you ever feel like you go to work to relax? There are times that I certainly do. 🙂
Thanks for stopping by!
On our last vacation, I reminded myself and my family that it was also my vacation. I let some things go, asked for help from my husband more often and it was nice. We enjoyed a lot of family time, but I didn’t do all the work while my husband did all the relaxing. We shared it all and we all walked away recharged. If I had done everything, I would have felt upset.
Have to add in that my kids are now 7 & 4 and things have gotten easier all around. I used to work sooo hard during holidays, weddings, etc and am now able to enjoy them more. It does get better. 🙂
I have heard that it get’s better. I can def see that happening. I think I might try your suggestion of remembering that it is my vacation as well (we go skiing in a couple of months, so I will try it then!) 🙂
Thanks for stopping by Maggie!
I agree with Fiona. You should ask you husband to help you with the kids. My husband can’t cook a thing but he helps with diapers, baths and feedings all the time. He wasn’t that way before. I had to ask him for help many times. Now he just does it when he sees I’m busy with somethings else and the kid need to be feed or need a bath, etc.
Luckily my daughter is very independent. She doesn’t need much attention from us so I do have time for myslef and for household chores, cooking, taking pictures and blogging or just reading a book while she plays around.
Will see (in a few months) what our second baby is going to be like… 🙂
Congratulations on the excellent news! Everything changes when #2 comes along. I felt the same way as you (my husband also helps bathe and feed), but when there is only one child if hubby is bathing the baby, you can take the time to do other things. When there are 2, you are now at a one-to-one ratio, so one child might be crying while the other needs to go to bed. Or one might be napping, while the other wants to go to the beach, etc. You then have to divide and conquer with your husband, so that both children are able to get what they each need. As Maggie mentioned, it does get easier as they get older, since what they need fall in line with each other, and they can entertain themselves and each other. Feel good!!
Maman Aya!
I totally get this! I am often jockeying for splitting the childcare responsibilities with my husband on days that we are both home. The regular days, because when we have this discussion, he always points to how he watched the kids all day and brought the baby to me for breastfeedings throughout my 3 days at BlogHer in August, which was not a regular run of the mill type of situation.
He is totally there when I ask. However, I am soooo awful at asking. I think, “Well, it’s just easier, if I do it.” “He needs a break, too.” And things begin to get uneven. And then I get frustrated, and then it leads us to discussions and evening things out again.
I think Angela Y. in San Francisco once had a WMB post where she talked about making her kids a warm breakfast every morning. I’ve been worried about getting enough healthy stuff in my kids, but never about whether it was hot or cold. Really, that part just never occurred to me. Although, I am an avid tea drinker, and that always warms us up when we need it!
One day when we’re both not breastfeeding, we should meet up and do something for ourselves for fun!
Jen 🙂
Yes Jen (on all counts!) My husband is also there when I ask…. it is the asking part which is hard.
I don’t remember reading Angela’s post… I’ll have to look it up (It is one that i was thinking of writing actually). One day my mother “scolded” me for giving my son some milk directly out of the fridge first thing in the morning saying “you drink hot tea first thing in the morning, don’t you? then why wouldn’t you do the same for the kids?”…… that’s perfectly logical, isn’t it?
I can’t wait for that day (although at this rate, you’ll be done before me- LOL)! 🙂
First of all, it might help if you change your perspective: when family is in tow, it’s a TRIP…when it’s just adults, it’s a VACATION! I know just how you feel. For the next few years we just have to view travel as a change of scenery but not necessarily a change in routine. Unless you plan a “trip” to an all inclusive resort cum childcare, the main difference will be having your spouse around more during the trip (though it sounds like in your case, that didn’t offer you much relief). I’m sorry. Look at it this way, at least you got to entertain your kids in a different way (with the beach). Hang in there!
Why didn’t I think of that Kyla? Calling it a trip, makes it so much more realistic. Yes, hubby tries when we are away from home or on weekends when we are not working, but at the end of the day, he is not mommy… and sometimes mommy is the only one who will do 🙂
Thanks for stopping by!
It gets so much better as the kids get older. I know exactly what you mean in that sometimes a vacation is really just a change in scenery.
That certainly is welcome news. Even though I don’t want then to grow up too fast…. I can’t wait! 🙂
Thanks for stopping by!
Maman Aya – I very much relate to this. I wrote a post about a trip I took in April of this year with my 2 boys to visit family (my husband had to work so I went as a solo parent). It was worthwhile but the most exhausting trip I have ever taken in my life. The post is titled “5400 miles, 2 little boys and 1 mom.”
As my good girlfriend (who also has kids) and I have often said, we are in a phase of life right now where “vacations” are really “working vacations.” Yes, you are in a different setting, but when you have very young children with you, you are on call all the time. That is not to say others cannot pitch in. My husband and family always offer to help. But with my kids, especially in a new environment, they usually want mom.
But as others said, it doesn’t last forever. My oldest is 6 and is totally great with travel and vacations. I am just biding my time with my almost 2 year old before planning our next big vacation. And when we do go on a trip again, I will remind myself to let go of expectations and enjoy things however they end up. If nothing else, they always make for great stories. And I know a day will come when I will be away with my husband on our own, and while enjoying all the down time, I will be remembering the days of chasing toddlers in hotels with a smile.
I remember that post – and remember completely sympathizing with you…I have only flown solo cross country once to go visit my family on the west coast, and I only had one child at the time. At the time I didn’t think it was too difficult. Now that I have 2, I don’t know if I could do it… having another child changes everything (you were very brave to go alone)! I agree, soon enough they will be self sufficient, and I will miss these days 🙂
Thanks for stopping by Tara!
I am LOL a bit. Why? Because twenty or so years I was more like you than not in what you were describing.
I just came back from two weeks alone in the States. (a vacation needing a vacation but still). Out of my 5 kids, three (ages 14, 12 and 5) were home (the oldest is in army, the second in pre-army school). People were asking whether my husband was managing and I just laughed and said-I am sure he is but it’s not my problem.
I think we “train” our husbands that we take care of everything instead of letting go. (Yes, easier said than done -it took me 10 or 15 years to start learning how)
My personal view on life is that for a week or two, a change in routine is not going to kill anyone and there are going to be no long term scars from giving kids non warm meals for a few meals (or even junk food). Kids know it is a change. They get it as long as we let it.
And the last thing-I have learned that if my own needs are not being met, no one benefits in the long run because at some point our needs will “explode” and cause issues. Take care of your needs. Give yourself time for things that are important to you not related to your kids or husband.
And I would love to have this conversation again in twenty years. 🙂
I’m sure in 20 years, I’ll be saying the saying the same thing as you, although you are a braver woman than I with 5 kids! I couldn’t imagine vacations with 5 (although, I suppose they are far apart enough in age that the older ones take care of the younger ones, at this point). I cannot imagine being away from my family for 2 weeks…. although I would love it for 2 days :). Thanks for stopping by Susie!
Its true.
We are on the clock 24/7
If only that clock had more hours in a day 🙂