Call it Mummy amnesia, but I’m certain that our older two children were, well, older when they began to insist on doing things “myself.”
Our lovely Mr Butterfly is the grand old age of two and has insisted on doing things himself for a few months now. Once again I am faced with the mixed emotions of delight (that he wants to do things for himself and often can) and horror (at the things he wants to attempt).
Climbing has been a regular fixture in our family. Mr Hare (nine) spends a good portion of his life a-top tall trees, and Mr Owl was months old when he began climbing chairs to get on to the top of the dining table. I have strategies (mostly involving selected blindness and deep breathing) for dealing with the climbing.
It’s been a long time since we’ve fed Mr Butterfly, and cleaning up the mess beneath his chair, on his chair, beside his chair, on the front of the table, the side of the table and the top of the table, are simply part of my regular after meal routine. We have plasters and hugs a plenty, so in our house small people using scissors and knives is really no big deal.
There are some things with which I struggle, however, and I really can’t wait for Mr B to learn properly. There’s the pouring the milk from the bottle (sometimes 3 litres) or tipping from theΒ (1 kg) yoghurtΒ into his own cup. We have only had two large messes with these, and he’s becoming pretty efficient already, but I narrowly saved our carpetΒ last weekΒ when he was about to pour milk while squatting on the pale grey carpet…
…And I could happilyΒ live without the, “my do it, MYSELF!” when it comes to tipping the contents of his portable potty down the toilet. (Yes, there are times I insist that it’s Β “Mummy’s turn”.)
All this ‘advanced’ independence had me thinking: why are younger children often so much more independent than their older siblings. Yes, there are temperament differences between our children – it could be that. I ate more fish-oil during his pregnancy than I did with the others – it could be that. I did regular body-crossing exercises with him when he was a baby, which I hadn’t done with the others – another possibility. The reason most people give me, though, is that he has the older boys to emulate.
Which raises an important question: for those of us who don’t live with extended family, areΒ our oldest children disadvantaged by not having older kids around them all day and every day?
What do you think? We’d love to hear your views.
This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Karyn Van Der Zwet of Napier, New Zealand. You can follow Karyn on her own blog http://kloppenmum.wordpress.com, on facebook (Karyn @ Kloppenmum) or Twitter (@kloppenmum).
Photo credit to D. Sharon Pruitt. Β This photo has a creative commons attribution license.Β
I think the biggest disadvantage oldest children have is that their parents are amateurs! Parents have much more confidence and hard-gained knowledge the second time around.
I think you’re right, Hamakkomo! Our eldest does seem to be the ‘test’ child, and the others have a definite advantage because we know more…:)
We only have the one so can’t answer your questions – but I just love the fact that he wants to do things on his own, allthough I do agree that there are some things that only a grown up should attempt (I am referring to the portable potty!) π
I really do love that he wants to do things on his own too – I just am not enjoying some of the process. I realised once I’d read this that it was the mess that was getting to me more than anything. Then I look at how capable the older two boys are and know that it will be OK in the end – if my bloodpressure can stand it!
Based on my three, I would say that personality has a lot to do with it. According to my parents, I was a “I do it mysouse!” kind of kid and I am the oldest of two. I do have a totally different perspective on birth order now. While a lot of things are easier for the younger siblings because they get to follow the examples set by the older, a lot of things are harder, too – especially getting picked on and bossed around by the older sibling, who certainly never had to experience that. Thanks for writing about it!
I agree that birth temperament plays a huge part in our children’s development – I *was* certainly more protective of our middle (more sensitive) child…when he was small than I have been of the other two, who are naturally more adventurous.
Mr B does get shouted at a bit (as he destroys lego creations etc), and he’s developed some useful lung-capacity in return – all adds to life’s rich tapestry. (I tell myself. π )
I love your laid-back attitude and your post had me chuckling at the images; eegads, pouring milk at 2?! Our five year old still has trouble!
It’s hard not to cringe at, and even sometimes pity, the extremes some new parents take in protecting or coddling their kids. Just the other day I overheard a mom, whose four year old was still in a diaper, talk about her child climbing out of his crib! At the same time, it’s a challenge not to launch children too fast into maturity but rather encourage them to test their independence and own abilities (and boy TWO sure is a test of EVERYTHING!)
It will be interesting to see how the influences of his much older siblings will affect your two year old. It certainly doesn’t appear that the opposite reaction, of treating the much younger child like a baby forever, is happening in your home!
Yep, we’re pretty matter of fact about most things at our place. I do agree that getting that balance between good nurturing and not over-protecting is tricky for many parents. Likewise, the allowing children to develop their skills and abilities as they are driven to – rather than pushing them on to the next stage. I call our approach Open-Palm Parenting: we’re there to support them, but we don’t push them or hold them back – seems to be working so far!
As for the not babying Mr B…I can’t imagine he would let the big boys baby him! π
PS Thanks to the person who found the photo. I forgot to send mine in; sorry about that.
Karyn,
Your posts have a way of always sticking in my head, and I think about them a lot! π
Stop doing that. Just kidding!! I love them!
I think the younger kids not only have their parents telling them how to do things, but they have their own instructional live videos in the older kids. My younger daughter seems to be doing everything faster than my older daughter. However, my older daughter is a bit independent, which I bet she gets from having been around her older cousins. Even though she doesn’t see them everyday, they live nearby and she sees them every so often.
When she could talk, she only wanted to hang out with her youngest boy cousin, who is 5 years older than her. She would scream his name out when she saw him, and she would talk about him EVERY day. I think they filled a nice gap for each other because he would be so excited to see her, too. π
My younger daughter has that excitement every day with her big sister, who is almost 4 years older than her. This is a relief for me because I had to try a little harder to get that type of connection for my older daughter through her cousins, but now it’s just built in at home.
So, I guess I can’t fully answer your question because I think my older daughter was influenced by her older cousins. But yes, from my experience, I think big little kids are idolized and emulated by little kids!
Jen π
My daughter is 18 months and she’s already very independent. She wants to do many things by herself but she can’t express it with words so she just throws fits if I try to do something for her.
I agree that being independent comes from kids personalities mostly. Being able to observe older siblings adds an extra points to it, I think. Now I have only one kid but it’s going to change in a few months. After that I’ll be able to speak about my experience not only about my assumption. Will see when our New Little One starts climbing on chairs and refusing to be spoonfed by mom… lol.
..”cleaning up the mess beneath his chair, on his chair, beside his chair, on the front of the table, the side of the table and the top of the table, are simply part of my regular after meal routine.” Karyn – you described my day today perfectly! My 20 month old son has been out of a high chair and eating at the table on his own for months now. He demanded early on to be on equal footing with the rest of us, and I wasn’t going to fight him. I just assume there will be messes, and he will be up and down a ton, but in the big picture, it’s a good thing for him to be independent. I want him to enjoy meals and feel like he is part of the family at the table. My husband just asked me this very evening if our 1st son was as physically adventurous as our 2nd son. I don’t exactly remember, but I suspect not.
As you and others noted, I think my younger son sees his father and older brother (6 yrs) and just assumes he is one of the gang. In fact, my older son was standing at the toilet when the little one toddled up and stood on his tiptoes trying to use it too. He was not tall enough, nor do I think he totally got what he was doing, but he sees his brother and assumes this is something the guys do. When people ask me how old son #2 is, I joke that he is under 2 years old but he seems to think he’s 3.5 years old.
As for my older son, he is growing up the 1st child of the family, and we don’t live near our extended family, but when he was younger we always tried to have lots of playdates with other kids his age, spend holidays with good friends with kids, and got him into preschool part time so he could learn from others outside the home and develop a comfortable sense of independence. But it definitely is less intentional with the 2nd, who seems to be moving at a faster clip. Hmmm…..lots to ponder π Thanks for starting the discussion.
Congratulations on the pending arrival! It will be interesting to hear if you notice the younger one does assume s/he can do things just because big sister can. I think our more sensitive number two is more capable because he has a very assertive and physical big brother – his temperament would have been more obvious had he been first, I think. Thanks for your comment. π
I think your household sounds a lot like mine! I love that the younger boys assume they can do things because they see their Dad and oldest brother doing them – and I also cringe at times; but it is fun watching their capabilities develop because they are motivated to try things. Thanks for your lovely long comment – it’s always good to hear similar stories. π
Our bigger boys love their older cousins too, and I think you’re right Jen littlies do idolise the older ones (just thought I’d sneak the alternative spelling in there – tee hee). What I love is when we are away on holiday with extended family and – perhaps like ancient times – the ten children just disappear together: happy and enough range of age and temperament/personality to keep them occupied.
I agree with you Karyn – again!. My younger (girl) at two, wants to do things far earlier than I remember her brother doing them – or was it me letting him? She wants to bang nails with a hammer, like her four-year-old brother and insists on doing it until she whacks her thumb – making her brother down tools and cover his ears knowing what is about to come. My younger one has always been strong willed, so in our case, it’s part position in the family, part personality.
Hi Angela,
Funnily enough hammering is a big deal in our house too, and as for strong-willed – hmmmmm, seems we have some of that going on too. π
I think the basic answer lies in the fact that everyone-from when they are born-want to “belong”. Kids who see their older siblings doing things themselves may interpret that in order to fit in and belong, they too have to be independent. Older siblings didn’t see that “example” in their own house but may be influenced by others.
It’s also the vibes the parents themselves send out (with older siblings) -some parents want more independent kids, some want to take care of and baby the kids more.
Great points Susie. I think the family culture is a big influence on the children. And that sense of belonging is so true for us all: this idea fits perfectly with a huge part of my philosophy of parenting. π