I wish I knew the kind of mom I want to be. Sometimes I want to be Mamá Estupenda; other times I would rather be the Fab Mommy.
I never thought I would struggle finding or rather redefining who I was until I had kids.
Sure, being a teenager and later on a college student you try different fashion styles, change majors, travel and backpack and find what you are really into. Once you join the workforce, you’re lucky if you are able to work on what you love and find what makes your heart ignite with passion, or your mind wander. You strive to succeed. This is what it was like for me: I knew what I wanted to do with my life, how I wanted it to look on paper and what I wanted to say about myself when I introduced myself.
But then, I had Evan, my firstborn. And my perspective radically changed. My priorities shifted in a way I never thought possible, and what used to matter to me (or I thought mattered to me) didn’t even fit into my “spit-up-and-diaper” filled schedule. My resume, my fab “pick-a-new-friend line ” that I had mastered at the many wine and martini filled soirees I’d attended pre-kids: These were no longer on the menu.
When I became a mom, I wanted to be that picture-perfect mom portrayed in every old-school parenting book, in every story told by my older family members, and portrayed in every sitcom. However, whenever I made a parenting-decision I questioned myself and wondered if this was the right thing to for me to do. I often wondered if what I had just done would be considered rude or offensive in Mexico, where I grew up, or if it would seem too harsh and strict in the U.S.A, my new home.
Some of my Mexican friends overseas jumped at the sight of me being physical and throwing the boys in the air, or allowing them to eat by themselves even if they spilled half of their meals in the floor. (Or worse, letting strangers take pictures of them and hold them — that was just appalling to some people.) It is true, sometimes Mexican moms can be over-protective and controlling. But in the end, they manage to bring up children who are known for their impeccable manners and chivalrous ways.
On the other hand, my American husband sometimes thinks I teach them to say “thank you” and “please” too much. He often tells me that I’m too strict with my two-year old, and that I expect too much from him. Other times, he says that I don’t allow room for messes, both in our home and my boys’ faces and clothes. The U.S.A is, after all, the greatest hub of creativity and innovation, and I don’t want to hinder my boys creative ways by expecting order and perfection.
Now that we’re based in Indonesia, things have been a bit more difficult. I now have a whole new set of cultural norms dictating what parenting should be like. If I don’t have a nanny per child and am willing to carry my baby on a baby carrier through the mall, lots of people stare at me and ask why I don’t get a helper. But at the same time, the freedom Indonesians have to make a child laugh and get them to smile teaches me that I can be my silly self with my own kids and other children. I’m reminded that a baby’s smile can brighten anyone’s day, and that no matter where you come from, laughter is a universal language.
In the end of all this, I simply just want the best for my kids.
Not perfect, just the best mom I can manage to be. I want my boys to be family-oriented and have impeccable manners, but at the same time I want them to be independent, creative and encourage them to discover their surroundings and feed their curiosity. I want them to thrive both in Mexico, in the U.S.A and the world. I want them to believe that diversity enriches them, and that flexibility is key to being happy and finding their place in the world.
I pray to God for wisdom and play it by ear, hoping I do the right thing at the right time for the circumstances we are facing in every stage of our lives.
After all, we are as good parents as our minds allow us to think we are.
Have you ever felt like you struggle with what your culture (native or adopted) dictates parenting should be like?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Ana Gaby from Indonesia. She can be found writing at Stumble Abroad.
Photo credit to the author.
Ana, I’m an Italian living in South Africa. My kids are practically grown up now (they’re nearly 20 & 17 yrs old respectively) so I totally “get” what you’re saying.
I just want to give you the advice I wish someone had given me when I was a “new” mom. If you trust your instincts and make sure that your kids KNOW that your love for them is unconditional, that’s ALL that matters!!
You can drive yourself insane (and not do your family any good) if you try to “fit in” to any cultural “norms” when it comes to raising your children.
Trust that you know your kids better than anyone else in the world, give them consistent rules and boundaries and love them unconditionally. That’s the recipe for raising great kids … at least it worked for me (even though I started late…after having been driven to severe depression by trying to be the mom everyone else wanted me to be!)
Thanks for the great advice Simona. Motherhood is a tough job by itself and you are right, I shouldn’t question myself. Your kids sound like amazing young adults and I pray my boys grow up to be happy and successful men.
Once again, thanks!! or should I say, gracias!
De nada! 😛
I love this, Ana — “I want them to thrive both in Mexico, in the U.S.A and the world.” What a great reminder that we are all raising children of the world!
The fact that you are thinking about all the things you mentioned — manners, behavior, etc., is a great indication that you are doing just fine! Yes, it’s so important to know the culture you are in, but I feel like it’s totally ok to do what you think is best.
I’m of the thinking that it’s more important to build character and teach your kids how to genuinely care about others, and I admit, I spend more time on that then reinforcing please and thank yous. My husband, being British, seems to focus much more on the please and thank yous, and it all evens out for us. 🙂
Ana, follow your heart! And thank you for sharing your international motherhood thoughts with us!
Jen 🙂
Dear Jen. Thanks for your encouraging words! I agree with you that building character and teaching them to care about others is truly what matters the most. I think my husband and I encourage the boys in very different ways and I’m thankful for that.
I’m very familiar with the term Third Culture Kid (TCK) because I am one. You’re article makes me think Third Culture Mom (TCM) should be a legitimate label as well! It can seem like a lose-lose situation sometimes, but really we’ve already won if we’re exposing our kids and raising them in other cultures and environments different than our own. Great article Gaby! So many quotables. “I want them to believe that diversity enriches them, and that flexibility is key to being happy and finding their place in the world.” Good words.
Thanks! Third Culture Mom… Absolutely!!!! As mothers we are always trying to see how to enrich their lives and teach them about being multicultural but I had never thought that we go thru the same transitions!!!
Great post – and some great here advice too! It can be tough to find your way with so many different influences, but it seems like you are doing an amazing job navigating it all – evidenced by your happy, adaptable (and gorgeous) boys. Trust that you are doing exactly what your family needs. I’m in the same boat in Indonesia – the nanny norm isn’t for us, but it is pretty interesting to observe different approaches to parenting. Embrace it all – but follow your own instincts. You know best!
Thanks Shaula! Great tips, embrace it all! I hope to see you and your little ones soon!