My mum used to say to me: “Don’t wish your life away.”
Nowadays I sometimes feel as though that’s all I do. To be more specific, I’m organizing my life away.
With four kids, my job, my husband’s job, and the diaries of both our ex-partners to co-ordinate, there are often times when I look up from the calendar and realise I’ve scheduled myself right out of the current school term and into the next-but-one.
This can be particularly painful when I have to re-adapt to not being in warm late summer and that campsite in France but instead in bleak mid-winter suburbia. January is a bad month for making wishes and looking away from the here and now. “I want to be thinner/fitter/better employed/better loved by X month,” we tell ourselves, shading our eyes as we scan the horizon for that magical time when everything will be perfect.
The temptation to hurry past moments of disappointment or frustration is immense, and only human. I feel this keenly as the mother of a child with autism. School is a big issue for us, and the day-to-day of persuading my child to go and, once there, to participate, is exhausting.
I often think that I can’t wait for her to be 18 and out of the system and able to pursue her own interests. Once she can take up a place at art school or drama school she will find herself surrounded by like-minded people, instead of being the class eccentric. She will be in her element, and happy.
And bingo! I’ve just wished 7 years of not only my life but someone else’s, away. This is distressing not least because in one thought I’ve missed all my daughter’s high school years (though I’m guessing some of you are thinking this is no bad thing!) but have also leapfrogged over the bulk of my 40’s and am now staring down the barrel of 50.
So what’s the solution? At this point an image pops into my head of a dude in yoga pants and red thread bracelets intoning banalities like “live in the moment.” I do live in the moment, thank you very much. I live in this moment, and this moment, and this moment, and they’re all very tiring. If I can just get through this moment here, and this one (and this one) then I’m further on my way to Friday night and that glass of wine.
Oops. There I go again.
One sure-fire way of not wishing anything is, for me (and some of you too, I know) to run. There is nothing purer and cleaner and stress-bustingly uncomplicated than feeling your heart beat to the pace of your breathing and your strides. There is nothing so good at placing you right at the centre and the now of your existence.
But I can’t run all the time. So I also take deep breaths, make mental checklists of all the good stuff, and I write. I also make sure to spend regular time with small people who smell good and can still fit in under my chin for a cuddle.
What about you? How do you fight the temptation to hurry past moments of disappointment or frustration?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Sophie Walker of the United Kingdom. Sophie blogs about her life as a mother and a runner here at www.courage-is.blogspot.com. She has published a book titled “Grace Under Pressure: Going the distance as an Aspergers mum”.
Photo credit to the author.
Today I caught myself thinking “I can’t wait until my son’ll be two years old like my daughter is now, that’s such a fun age” – and I haven’t given birth yet! (Though in fairness he’s overdue.) The first year with a baby is just hard, however much I’ll love him.
My twin golden goals for the next years are getting more sleep and rest. That’ll boast my energy, which’ll allow me to love more and do more during the day. As the athletes say, the race is won in bed.
I simply woke up one day and realised I was no longer the mom of a baby! I think (especially with our 1st child) we’re so focused on the next “milestone”, that it’s easy to miss the magic of the “right now”.
My first born is turning 20 years old this month!! He was 10 days overdue and I quite clearly remember thinking that I just “couldn’t wait” for him to be born already!! I DON’T feel old enough to be the mother of a 20 year old, nor can I truly account for all these years which have literally flown past!
Learning to “be in the moment” simply takes practice, just like everything else in life. At first it’s almost uncomfortable to try to stop thinking about the future and appreciate the moment you’re currently living, but it DOES get easier with practice!:)
I was always living for the future when my son was young, waiting for him to start walking, talking, playing on his own. Always waiting for the next milestone. Then I realized how much of the ‘now’ I was missing out on. I’m not saying I always live in the moment now, but being more of aware of my thinking has helped me take a step back and appreciate where we are.
Thank you for writing this.
This was a great reminder that I should be better at living in the moment… I keep thinking to the future or thinking about the past, instead of truly enjoying and experiencing “the now”…
I’m a victim of my own overbookedness, too!! You wrote this at a really great time for me. I really needed it, Sophie!
Similar to you, I look forward. When I was having difficulty conceiving, I wanted to hurry past that part straight to being successfully pregnant. But, turning off the frustration and focusing on other things and enjoying those other things, made life good. I guess the key for me was to try my best to focus less on the frustration.
Are there schools now your daughter can go to that focus on the arts before graduation? If not, I can totally see you starting one!!
Jen 🙂
You raise a great point. When I catch myself mentally jumping ahead, I force myself to stop and just look around. See my kids. See my messy house. See myself as is. Take in ever last chaotically beautiful moment, because it’s all fleeting.
This was a terrific post – so well written and lots to think about. I think I’m pulled by the two extremes, wishing to speed things up so my baby would go ahead and start sleeping and talking and giving me unprompted hugs, but also wanting to slow down and capture moments that I now know (because he’s my second) are fleeting. It’s hard to get it all right!
This is such a great point, and so true!! I vacillate between the two extremes like Mama Mzungu in the comment above, although I am usually pretty good at living in the moment, when weeks fly by filled with busy activity it is easy to not stop, take a breath and look around.
oh the joy of small people who smell good. That’s a great line. I think about those once-small people who now wander my house, a refuse-to-bathe 8 year old, and a 12 year old who frequently smells like a trucker after a cross-country haul. Parenthood seems precisely that balance: be here now AND think about the permission slips due at the end of next week. Well said.
Life has been so chaotic for me lately, that I often find my mind jumping ahead in time. This year, my goal it to, like you, “take deep breaths, make mental checklists of all the good stuff…make sure to spend regular time with small people who smell good and can still fit in under my chin for a cuddle.” Thanks for the reminder!