What are the rules for parenting other children or giving parenting advice or just plain parenting interference? And what is the appropriate response?
I imagine it differs by country and culture, by personality and preference. I’ve been scolded in both Mexico — and now, in Laos — about not dressing my children “warmly” enough during the “cool” season: (Here, what is considered “cold” to the locals is perfect and refreshing for us to enjoy, say, in jeans and a t-shirt without wrapping ourselves in sweaters and down jackets like everyone else around us.) With an understanding nod and smile, I always reply with a cheerful yet emphatic, “To us, this isn’t cold. It’s perfect!”
For all the concern in other countries about my children being cold, there is a surprising lack of concern for their over-consumption of sweets. One time while waiting to board our plane, a troupe of Korean men and women each gave my kids a piece of candy, repeatedly. After one or two, I asked my kids to politely say, “Thank you.” After the fourth, fifth, sixth piece, I made them do the same while I motion a polite, “Thank you, but please, no more.” Then, when they cojoled my kids to take even more, I resorted to a stern-faced, “NO thank you,” and prohibited my kids from escaping my firm grasp. Enough is enough no matter how kind the gesture.
(Another candy incident that elicited an immediate “No” from me without even a “Thank you” was returning to our hotel in Vietnam late at night with two obviously over-tired kids and having the doorman hand them a bowl (yes, a bowl!) full of candy to grab!)
So cold weather and candy, both unsolicited parenting advice and interference, albeit rooted in concern and kindness, is one thing. For me though, the bigger issue has been about child discipline and reversing the role for me as the one to interfere and insert myself in situations I feel are necessary.
Surprisingly, it has occurred between me and other American moms where there is no cultural gap, only different parenting styles.
At playgrounds I have watched nervously from afar as my young toddlers (at the time) learned to navigate older kids’ dominance. It broke my heart to see their blank stares trying to process the bossy-ness of an older playmate. At first, I didn’t know how to respond, nor did I want to so that my kids can develop their own street smarts. On top of that, I was nervous about how the other parents would react to my interference.
Still, over time — when lines crossed over to bigger kids being mean to mine — felt in my gut that I had to say things like, “Please be nice to my son or get off the slide,” or “Please don’t block the tunnel so the other kids can get through,” and I was willing to face other parents with my own confident reasoning for my interference. One time, a mother got upset with me because I asked her to remove her obstinate son from the bottom of the slide so other kids who were fighting precariously with impatience at the top could come down. She snatched him up with a huff and snapped, “I’VE been up since 5am!” to which I calmly replied, “I”m sorry for you, but so have we,” as I looked at all the other mothers standing around waiting for the slide situation to be resolved.
For the most part, those incidences have occurred among strangers; I can easily wipe them from my mind with slight annoyance. Recently, though, I have been faced with much more personal incidents regarding my friend’s children, which leave me doubting my previous resolve. At this point, friendships now become vulnerable, but I must remain resolute that sometimes, I need to intervene.
My kids are three-years old now and pushing their limits every chance they get. They gauge fairness and consistency with a keen eye, and when I falter, they take great joy in squeezing through that gap with unabashed misbehavior. So when a friend’s child came to our house and immediately sat on the coffee table with her feet up I immediately scolded, “Olivia, please get off the coffee table because we are not allowed to do that in our house!” In that moment, everyone froze: my friends who are her parents don’t know what to say to her since that is not their rule, or what to say to me since they are stunned that I said something, the child is stunned that someone else other than her parents was parenting her, my kids are stunned because they could not follow suit and get away with climbing on the coffee table.
Another time at a restaurant, the same friend’s child picked up her empty drinking glass and begins to bang another glass as if they were plastic against one another. I wanted to say something immediately since my daughter was sitting very close to potentially shattering glasses should they break, but I didn’t say anything thinking that this was surely something my friend would discipline. Yet nothing, as if it wasn’t happening. And still nothing when her child motioned that glass like an airplane towards my daughter’s head before I scolded, “Olivia, please put that glass down. It is not a toy.” Again, followed by brief awkward silence.
So now I am left wondering about our friendship and about what right I had to interfere and parent her child. Obviously, I prioritized preserving my child discipline standards over her feelings or considerations.
What is your opinion and experience with other people interfering with your parenting?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by our mother of twins writer, Dee Harlow in Vientiane, Laos. You can always find her writing on her blog, Wanderlustress.
Photo credit attributed to phthooey. This photo has a creative commons attribution license.
Gosh, you tackled a really difficult topic, Dee!
If we’re honest, none of like our kids being “reprimanded” by others. That said, I strongly believe that a person’s “rights” end the moment they infringe on somebody else’s. I believe you acted appropriately in the examples you cited.
It HAS been a difficult issue for me personally and increasingly so now with the friendship issue. Thanks Simona!
Dee,
When it comes to safety and cleanliness, I would stick up for the rights of yours or any child, too.
These examples you cited do not seem out of the ordinary for me — I would have acted the same.
Keep those kiddies safe!
Jen 🙂
Yes, especially here where cleanliness is difficult to maintain because of dirt roads and open sewage drains. AND immediate emergency medical care is not readily available!
I think it is totally reasonable to scold another child when it comes to safety, or bullying as well. I would hope another parent would do the same if my child was acting inappropriately! All families have different thresholds so I would hesitate to judge others for what they say or not, but speak up for how you feel all the same, and realize that may dictate how good (or not) of a friend you could be if you have vastly different parenting philosophies.
It has been a surprise to me how different our parenting philosophies are, not something I would have guessed from our friendship pre-kids. Like you said though, without judgement we all try to sympathize and empathize with one another but I have a really difficult time when other kids have no boundaries and my kids pick up on it.
I would have responded exactly the same way you did, Dee.
I have been very lucky to be part of an awesome coffee group where we automatically parented one another’s children in each others’ homes, at the park – anywhere. The friends I have made since those early days have been of a similar ilk too – and those who get the frosty-nostril when their kids are told-off by another parent seem to naturally disappear from the scene.
My house, my rules: as far as I am concerned. Good for you – your children are watching…
I yearn for a bygone age where to some extent communities shared in the upbringing of children. Obviously there are boundaries, but I think it makes for a socially rounded person when children are parented by more than just their bio parents. It also implies trust and a lack of this could also account for behavioural issues in schools.
In the situations you mentioned, I would not hesitate to discipline the other child. Particularly if the child were doing somthing that is against the rules of my home. It is definitaly a difficult situation, but I think it is important to make those boundries amd rules known. And now, they probably won’t do it again!! 🙂
I have a friend who, when there are other grown-ups around to chat with, seems to develop blinders. It is very awkward for me to have to continually step in, but I can’t compromise my own children’s safety. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t want to do things with her when I know the kids will be included. And I think that’s okay. When there are no children involved, I enjoy her company.
I also step in at the park or whatever when I think safety is at stake. Here in Japan, parents let their children do things on their own without grown-ups around at a much younger age than is acceptable in the US, where I’m from. It’s easy to say something when there are no other adults. I also do it when there are, but that is harder.
We’ve been on the receiving end of this as well. I remember one very strange incident when my son accidentally knocked over another kid’s blocks at a play area. He just got too close. (It didn’t help that the other child was hogging the blocks and refused to share.) Anyway, it was an accident. The other mom completely flipped out and literally yelled at him, even though I was right beside him. I normally would have asked him to apologize and suggest they rebuild the tower together, but after she flipped out like that, what could I do? We ended up leaving.
Melanie – You touched on my dilemma precisely, “When there are no children involved, I enjoy her company.” But friendships are about accepting and supporting one another so if I can’t get over our parenting differences I feel like I’m not being a true friend, and it’s awkward and I feel rude if I only do things with her without her kids.
I have been on both sides of this. I have stepped in to correct another’s child on the playground, and I have had people correct mine. With another’s child, I don’t so much explain to them a rule (“no blocking the slide”) but instead just simply request something (“can you please move so my son can come down?”)If the child won’t, I’ll get my son and go elsewhere. I usually try to avoid speaking to the parent unless I’m worried someone is going to get hurt, since often parents don’t take kindly to that feedback. With friends, that’s a tougher one to puzzle out. It depends on the friend and how candid you can be together. Ultimately, it’s worth considering a talk because it won’t get easier as the kids get older if they are not clear on house rules for playdates. Good luck 😉
Thanks Tara. Funny, my husband is saying the opposite – that as the kids get older it will get easier. Maybe we’re just trying to be optimistic on both the discipline and friendship front.
What a timely piece! I feel like so much of the parenting we do at this age is repetitive, inane “don’t do this, please do this” type of stuff but its important because it lays the groundwork for our kids understanding boundaries and being able to function with good behavior even when we aren’t around. And I honestly think kids LIKE having some rules. They like knowing what to expect and what will elicit praise and what won’t. It makes them feel secure (at least it seems to for my son). I want our son to grow up knowing that I will always mean what I say–whether its that I’ll take away his toy if he throws it one more time or that when I say we can go to the park after lunch, we actually do.
At the same time, its hard because every family has different priorities about which and how many “battles” they are willing to fight. I’m still not sure how to handle this one. I think you were entirely appropriate–safety and house rules have to come first. Plus, I also imagine that having two little ones the same age means you have to be twice as diligent about behavior at this stage. If Will acts up, there is no one else around to egg him on but for you it’s never going to be just one kid capitalizing on a breakdown in the discipline, it’s two.
On a similar note, one thing that always surprises me is when I see parents say “don’t do that!” and then just stand by and keep talking to me while their kid keeps up with the behavior. I’m not perfect at this either, but I hope now and in the future that I always follow through on our house rules, even if it means I have to end an enjoyable conversation early to deal with a tantrum inspired by me taking away a stick/pulling him off a tractor trailer/turning off the hose, etc. etc.