I worry a lot these days. Come to think of it, I’ve always been a little bit of a worrywart, but it seems to have gotten worse in the last few weeks. I worry about big things like our health, our family’s financial situation, getting a home of our own, and even the well-being of my parents and parents-in-law. I worry about the little things too, like what to prepare for lunch, the small pimple sprouting on my chin, and even about what activities to do with my son this summer. Yes, I worry, and sometimes I wonder if worrying is part of a mother’s nature, or if I’m just being an exaggerated version of how I’m supposed to be. It could be an age thing too, something new that sprung from my turning 30. Goodbye carefree 20’s, hello 30. I really am not sure.
I noticed that a lot of what I worry about involves my son. I suppose it’s because I have come to terms with the fact the he is now a big kid, no longer a baby, and no longer easily swayed by mom and dad. His peers now play a huge part in building his character and in influencing him to be or do certain things. And that doesn’t just worry me. It actually scares me. I get worked up over the things my kid may be learning in school because I’m not there to impart the little bit of mom-wisdom that I think I have. No, it isn’t the education that I have trust issues with. It’s the time spent outside his classroom, with his peers, away from his teacher’s guidance.
All of this actually springs from one very important day in my little boy’s life that I seem to not be able to get over. It happened sometime last year, during the middle of school. He told me about a conversation he had with his friends after class. They were either talking about, or singing a One Direction song, and then one of his classmates said that One Direction is gay. I almost fell off my seat.
Call me conservative or overprotective, or whatever you will, but this is one topic that we’ve not discussed with my son. He is only about to turn seven and I just don’t think that it’s something he will be able to completely understand at this age. Honestly, he hangs out with some of our gay friends, and he sees them as guys who are extra fun and extra noisy. Now for this classmate to instil a negative idea of gay into my son’s mind really made me upset.
I asked him if he knew what gay meant. He said “Nope.”
Then I blurted out, more to myself than to him, “I wonder where that little boy got the idea that One Direction is gay.”
To which my son shockingly answered, “From his mom.”
Seriously?
Who is the mother of this child, and what is she teaching her kid?
All of a sudden, I ran a mental inventory of the things that my son could be picking up from our home. He is surrounded by six adults in this house, and maybe he was hearing things that he shouldn’t be hearing. All of a sudden it occurred to me that he could be sharing conversations we were having at home with his peers. After giving it some thought, I’ve decided that we’ve been fairly careful around him with swearing, discriminating ideas, and other things that cold possible lift whatever veil of innocence still remained in the mind of my child. A veil that I thought was still stronger than it actually was. But apparently, that veil has been penetrated by thoughts and ideas of other persons and other families through his friends.
I asked him if he knew what being gay meant, and he said no. So we had to explain it to him, the best way we knew how. We even gave a few names of our gay friends who he likes to hang out with. He said that he thought that those guys were fun and cool. Thankfully, he still seems to have a positive image of gay people, and I want this to stay.
I have nothing against my son being exposed to the reality that is out there, but I just want to make sure that he is properly guided in the process, and that the exposure doesn’t happen too fast. I guess ultimately I am protecting him and his being a child. I want him to run and play and get stinky and dirty. I want him to shyly tell me that he thinks a girl is pretty, without having him telling me a side story about that girl asking for his mobile number so that she can text him. Yes, that happened, and they are only seven, and in my opinion, not mature enough to handle texting.
I want my son to enjoy life as a child the way we did, before computers and Facebook and the internet, the way I still believe a child should.
Do you feel that children these days are growing up faster than they should? How do you deal with questions your kids ask about homosexuality, smoking and other vices, and things they generally see from other grown-ups? What are your thoughts on kids texting or having their own Facebook accounts?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Mrs. P Cuyugan of the Philippines. The photograph used in this post is credited to the author.
Patricia Cuyugan (Philippines)
Patricia Cuyugan is a wife, mom, cat momma, and a hands-on homemaker from Manila, whose greatest achievement is her pork adobo. She has been writing about parenting for about as long as she’s been a parent, which is just a little over a decade. When she’s not writing, you can usually find her reading a book, binge-watching a K-drama series, or folding laundry. She really should be writing, though! Follow her homemaking adventures on Instagram at @patriciacuyugs.
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As the mom of “practically grown-up” kids, I can tell u what worked for us. I shared your same worries and my husband and I decided that the only way to counteract “peer pressure” was by ensuring the following:
1. We never stopped telling our kids that our love for them was unconditional and there was absolutely nothing they could say or do that would make us stop loving them. That did not mean that we wouldn’t get angry or disappointed and punish them (if necessary) just that we would never stop LOVING them.
2. That they could ask us ANYTHING and we would ALWAYS tell them the truth (obviously “truth” has to be age-appropriate!). Also be careful to REALLY understand what they’re actually asking! A friend’s 4 year old daughter asked her mom “Where do I come from?” and the mom stammered through the “where babies come from” talk she’d been dreading. To which the little girl replied: “Oh, X said she comes from Pretoria.” 🙂
My son is 20 years old and my daughter is nearly 17 and they still come to me to share what a peer has said or done to get my “take” on the situation. I believe that if you lay a foundation of open communication and mutual respect when your kids are small, you never have to fear that their peer’s influence will be greater than yours.
Neither of my kids drinks, smokes, does drugs or anything else I wouldn’t approve of. Neither ever goes anywhere without telling me where they are and who they’re with. They’ve never claimed to be somewhere when they were actually somewhere else. In fact, both have (on occasion) asked us to fetch them early from a party because their peers were consuming alcohol and they were starting to feel uncomfortable. They’re not angels! My son DID get drunk (once) at a sleepover but he told us about it … and he felt sick enough to not want to repeat the experience! 😛
Thank you for the Jedi Mom advice, Simona. I really appreciate it, and want you to know that I learn so much from you whenever you comment on my posts. 🙂
Once my older son (7 years old now) started school, I knew he would be exposed to all sorts of things. Kids share so much, and the rules about what kids are exposed to varies from family to family. Similar to Simona, I tell my child he can talk to me about anything. I also have intentional, age appropriate discussions with him about the big safety stuff – weapons, dugs/alcohol, private parts, and strangers. We talk about these things before play dates at new friend’s homes, as I don’t always know what exactly he will be exposed to when away from us, and i want him to be able to make informed, safe decisions. I want him to be able to just be kid and not have to worry, but the internet and technology have made access of information so easy for kids of all ages, and kids can come across so much by accident or in passing with a friend’s older sibling. As for topics about any group of people (sexual orientation, religion, socio-economic, etc.), we talk openly about all people being equal and deserving respect. I want to set the tone on that, so I don’t shy away from it.
Thank you for your comment, Tara. I agree with you on the value of our kids knowing that they can talk to us about anything. My parents have always been very open with me and my siblings as well, and that has helped us grow up as good people. At least I’d like to believe that we are good people. 🙂
This topic has come up already. I can’t remember exactly why, to be honest, but one of our babysitters is gay, and knowing her helped with our talks because she is someone that my kids know and like.
I think the fact that our kids feel comfortable talking with us about anything they learn about or hear while we’re not there is so important. Talking to our kids and being open and honest with them, I think, helps make them more open with us, as parents.
Thanks for sharing your story from the Philippines, Mrs. C.!!
Jen 🙂
Hi Jen! 🙂 I think it’s a good thing that our kids know, and are in a way friends with some gay people who are really nice and friendly and help us out with things. It helps us show them that they are in fact normal, and that they are good people.
Thanks for the comment! 🙂
Hi Mrs. C – my husband and I have decided to answer our kids’ questions (about homosexuality, smoking, violence, natural disasters, guns, tragic accidents, etc.) as best we can at a developmentally appropriate level. What I have found is that this also lets them feel comfortable enough to come back to us as a resource for information about their questions (instead of relying on friends for mis-information). I like to keep the lines of communication open 🙂
Communication is so, so important between parents and kids. I learned that from my parents, and it’s something I really want to make sure I focus on as a parent. Thanks for the comment, Eva!
I also work on finding that balance between allowing our boys to be involved in the world and protecting their childhoods. It’s trickier these days than it’s ever been, I think.
Yes it is a whole lot trickier, Karyn. And to think, I’m pretty young for a mom, I’m tech- and web-savvy, and I’m hands on as a parent. But I still finding that balance really hard.
It is such a balancing act isn’t it? Trying to give hem enough information to get by, yet not letting them grow up to fast…. We have never labeled anyone as “gay” or “homosexual”. They just are. We have discussed that his friend at school has 2 dads, or his cousin has 2 moms, and that’s just the way it is. He has asked about smoking, since he sees people in the street with cigarettes, and we explain how they are really bad for your health, and his logical conclusion? He asked why are they even legal. My 2 year old starts school next Sept. I am not looking forward to going through all of these all over again 🙂
“We have never labeled anyone as “gay” or “homosexual”. They just are.”
I love that quote! 🙂
This topic may be way ahead of my time given that my daughter is only 3 but it’s sure making me sit up and think about how I answer tough questions like these. Recently, my mom dog died and she’s had so many questions on why it died, how it died, where it goes after it’s dead…. I don’t want to crush her but don’t want to hide behind the fact that it’s all part of life.
The subject of death was something we had to introduce to my kid early on because my grandma died when he was little. It was really hard having to explain it as a reality to him, and up to now he sometimes questions why people/pets/loved ones have to die. It breaks my heart each time. It’s tough when you know you need to lift that veil of innocence off of your kid little by little.