Some religions have followers who refuse to accept blood transfusions, and other religions actually prohibit medical intervention of any kind. They believe that prayer alone will save those who are ill or injured, and if it doesn’t that it was “God’s will” for that person to die.
Those of us who don’t belong to those religions tend to shake our heads and feel that they are being unreasonable. After all, if medicine and/or medical knowledge is available, why should we allow our loved ones to suffer or even die without making use of it? Some would even argue that “God’s will” has allowed us to create the life-saving hospitals and medicines in the first place. Surely, if we love someone we will do everything in our power to save them, won’t we? We pray, but we also avail ourselves of doctors and hospitals.
The question we must then ask ourselves when someone we love is suffering is: At what point are we just prolonging the inevitable demise of a person? Is it “living” if we are not aware of what is going on around us and can’t breathe by ourselves, or talk, or feed ourselves and have no control at all over our bodies? How much is too much?
As I write this, my mom-in-law is in Intensive Care in a Private Hospital. She was operated on 11 days ago and hasn’t really regained consciousness since. They had to put in a central line to administer her medicines, as her veins could no longer handle the IV infusions. She is being fed via a tube through her nose. She is breathing via a tracheotomy (hole in her neck) attached to a machine that forces air into her lungs. She has a catheter through which she passes urine into a bag and a colostomy bag (another bag for “number 2”) But she has yet to pass anything into the colostomy bag as her intestines don’t seem to work at all. She is also attached to monitors which let you see at a glance what her temperature, blood pressure, blood oxygen saturation, breathing rate and heartbeat rate are. She is considered “critical” but they are still aggressively treating her. This morning they were giving her physiotherapy!
My mom-in-law is 84 years old and weighed a mere 37 kg before she went into hospital. She was always petite, but she became underweight in the 20 months since the death of her husband. She now looks like the victim of a concentration camp – literally skin and bones. When we visit, she sometimes manages to open her eyes, but you can see that she isn’t really focusing. She can’t so much a raise a finger by herself. She has a fever as she’s battling an infection, and yesterday her kidney function started to deteriorate as well. Her arms are totally black and blue from the numerous blood draws for daily blood tests.
We told the doctor in charge that we don’t want her to suffer like this. His response was that she wouldn’t remember anything of her time in ICU, so she wasn’t really suffering!
My mom-in-law passed away last Thursday (29 Aug). Thank you all so much for your love and good wishes.
Simona, I am so sorry to hear about your loss.
My close aunt has died of cancer recently and she suffered terribly during her last several weeks. Her daughter is a doctor so she kept her alive as long as she could even when most of the family was horrified by the screams and suffering her mother was going through. She just didn’t want to let her die, and I had no idea why would you want to put your loved one through such a pain just because you can’t deal with the loss. But that is a different issue, I guess.
I do want to make the same will as you and I am not agains “doctor assited suicide”. I think we all have the right to make a decision about how we want to exit this world and I would rather go with a dignity.
Simona, I was so sorry to hear about your mother-in-law.
My mother was very involved in palliative care nursing and I have come to appreciate there is a natural process to dying, which involves our digestive system shutting down. So, while it can seem difficult for healthy people to understand that someone who cannot eat or drink is OK – this is actually how we are meant to naturally die.
The brain system I call the ‘Core Brain’ is the place were we feel serene, detached and peaceful and this dominats our brain and body during times of waiting for death/healing and makes it a pleasant process for the person involved. (People who have had near-death experiences often remember this.)
I also don’t believe it is euthanasia to remove cares that are invasive and prolonging life just for the sake of it.
Medical science can be wonderful but I do wonder at the unseen cost of many of our interventions.
Exactly. I know that it was tougher for us to see her that way than it was for her. After the priest performed the Last Rites, I felt her relax completely … and she “flatlined” about 5 hours later. It was a surreal experience when it happened. We thought we were prepared for it, but we really weren’t!
Simona,
I’m so sorry for your loss. I think the question is so difficult to answer. Thank you for making us think hard about this.
Big hugs. xxxooo
Jen 🙂
Thanks, Jen. I guess there are no easy answers, but this experience has reinforced for me how precious each day is. Nobody knows for sure when their time on Earth is going to be up. Even so, we all get caught up in the day to day chores and easily forget how fragile human life really is! I’m extremely grateful that my family and I got the chance to spend 3 hours with my mom-in-law before they took her in for her surgery … 3 hours in which we had the chance to tell her how much we loved her. That time, without any distractions, when all our focus was on her, was priceless. At least we have no regrets. Sure, we would have loved to have her around for a few more years, but there’s no “unfinished business” between us, and that’s a huge blessing!
This is something many of us will face one day and like you, the questions will fly around our brains and we will wonder right from wrong. So very sad to see a life once so full simply be fading away while we desparately try to hold on.
Love to you and your family …
Simona, I am so sorry for your loss. This must be very hard for you. I think I agree with you on the too intensive care. Of course, doctors are trained to fight death. It’s their job.But yes, sometimes it’s too much. A friend of mine went into a coma- she had been in the Himalayas and got very sick. Then, the hospital she was in wasn’t very good and she just didn’t wake up. Years later, she is still in a coma. In her case, it is possible that she would wake up, although the chances are getting slimmer with every day. But she is young, and here mircales can happen. With older people, however, it is different… it is hard when they can’t talk about their wishes. In the Netherlands, euthanasia is accepted… and there is no fear of overmedication, pretty much the opposite. Dutch doctors aren’t going to fight for very premature babies. I even read somewhere that Dutch doctors are more likely to perform an abortion (which is also accepted here) than a C section. It is such a scary topic and thank you for writing about it. I guess it also depends on the case- sometimes it is hard for family members to let go. Sometimes they need to make a very hard decision. And maybe in some cases it helps to wait… but who knows which one is which? Who knows what is better for the sick person? A hard one to answer.
Oh Simona! What a touching, heartfelt post. Thank you for taking us all deep into a place we need to think about and prepare for. Thank you for reminding us of the precarious balance between life and death. Thank you for focusing on the beauty of living and the grace in dying. I am sorry for your loss but based on your post, I also celebrate the end of the suffering. Whatever God’s will, she is with Him (and your father-in-law) now. May she rest in peace.
Thank you, Kyla. I have no doubt at all that she is exactly where she is meant to be. 🙂 The only sadness that remains is simply due to us (selfishly) wanting more time with her. Objectively, she would have been extremely miserable to have to live with the added indignity of a colostomy bag. It’s certainly not something she would have wanted … nor were the last 3 weeks in ICU! She is at peace now and free of a body that was only causing her pain. <3
I am so sorry for your loss Simona. We just went through something similar with my grandfather who was battling cancer, my father was desperately trying everything, from chemo to radiation, just to prolong his life a very short time, while everyone in the family, including my aunt and grandmother, did not want to see him suffer anymore and just wanted to make him comfortable. I agree with you, that there is a point that it is no longer “living”. In the US if there is a living will, or if the family wishes, the dr can “pull the plug”. I see this not as euthanasia as much as it’s allowing the body tho complete what it started. There is a point that the body knows that it is not well anymore and just shuts down, and like so many other times in life, it’s ok to listen to the body.
Sending you and your family lots of love during this difficult time. xxx