I am a wife.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am an aunt.
I am a friend.
I am a blogger.
I am a photographer.
I am a glass half empty.
I am Polish,
I am an expat,
I am a coffee lover,
and I am more than that…
I might have been a globetrotter. I am nothing like, for example, our contributor The Third Eye Mom, but I wish I was, if I only could. I don’t deserve to be called globetrotter but deep in my heart I know I would like to live like one.
I might have been a book-worm (I used to be before the kids came along). I wish I had more time to read. Nowadays, all my books have a piece of toilet paper as a bookmark, and they are all placed in the bathroom. That’s how much time I spend reading them. I read one page at a time (if I get lucky). No wonder it takes me months to go through a 100 page book.
I might have been a full-time employee somewhere – most likely in a school.
I might have been a yoga teacher – there is nothing more attractive than a vision of me in a yoga retreat somewhere in India.
And there are many of those nouns that describe the person I am now and who I wish I was, who I might or could have been…if marriage and kids didn’t happen.
As we rushed to the emergency room (ER) on one beautiful Saturday morning with our No. 2 passing out in my hands I have realized that among all those names and words I describe myself, first and foremost I am a PARENT and a MOTHER. Holding this tiny body in my arms while driving to the ER I thought to myself, “I’ll give anything up, all my dreams and “could have beens” just to see her healthy and laughing again.”
The only thing I regretted at that moment was that I didn’t watch her closely…that I didn’t see that coming…and that I let that to happen. At that moment I knew that I can live happily without ever becoming a yoga teacher, and that to the end of my days I’ll struggle with getting into the crow pose, but I also knew I could not live with myself if something horrible would have happened to my baby girl (to any of my girls, actually).
I have realized that in all my attempts of being a good wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, blogger, photographer, small business owner I do it all with my kids in mind. I try to set an example. I try hard to achieve something in this life so my daughters are proud of their mother when they grow up. I want them to be happy with me. Of course, I am not perfect, and I do not do the right things all the time. Of course, I am not always a great example. I fail many, many times and will fail in the future.
As I was younger I had a lot of anger in me. I wanted to fight the entire world. I was not a good sister and definitely nothing close to a good daughter. I disappointed my friends. At that time I felt like I was looking at the world through many filters: “daughter” filter, “sister” filter, “student” filter, “young confused woman” filter, and many, many more, and almost all of them at the same time. It was hard not to mix them, not to get confused, not to fail in one while trying to be good at another.
Becoming a parent has changed the way I portray the world and myself; all off the sudden there is the “parent” filter through which I see almost everything (and I say “almost” because the rest of the world is seen through the “high-standards wife” filter).
That Saturday with my daughter having her concussion I realized that I am a MOTHER and can NOT imagine my life NOT being one.
In this past month my dear friend saw her twelve-year old niece taking the last breath on a hospital bed. She has died of cancer. A few days ago I read that one of our former contributors, Diana from Hormonal Imbalances, suffered a great loss when her newborn baby died. It’s her third loss. Last month, Kirsten from Running for Autism had written a story in which her friend had lost seven-year old son. I can’t imagine what kind of strength a mother must have to pull it all together and move on… I just can’t!
I don’t have to be a yoga teacher. I don’t have to be a teacher at all. I don’t have to be a business owner. I can stop blogging today. Without all those achievements and activities I still would be able to be happy and fulfilled if only my kids were with me. I cannot imagine being happy – or being at all – if something horrible had happened to them.
I am A PARENT
I am A MOTHER,
and I want it to stay that way until the end of my days.
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from our writer Ewa Samples “Mom Photographer” from California.
The photographs used in this post are attributed to the author.
Ewa Samples
Ewa was born, and raised in Poland. She graduated University with a master's degree in Mass-Media Education. This daring mom hitchhiked from Berlin, Germany through Switzerland and France to Barcelona, Spain and back again! She left Poland to become an Au Pair in California and looked after twins of gay parents for almost 2 years. There, she met her future husband through Couch Surfing, an international non-profit network that connects travelers with locals. Today she enjoys her life one picture at a time. She runs a photography business in sunny California and document her daughters life one picture at a time. You can find this artistic mom on her blog, Ewa Samples Photography, on Twitter @EwaSamples or on Facebook!
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Beautiful post Ewa. And great reminder that none of those other concerns, desires, should-haves, identity conflicts… none of it… matter when are children are hurting. In some ways that’s their eternal gift to us – to put life in such stark perspective. Glad to hear your baby girl is doing better and I’m sorry you had to go through that hurt.
I can well imagine the fright that concussion gave you!
And, yes, I agree, there is nothing I do without being mother first and other second. Perhaps a little less intense now that the boys are growing older, but still if they needed me – all else would fall to one side so that I could be with them or help them.
Yes, I agree with every single word of your post, Ewa. I also cannot imagine how anyone can recover from the loss of a child … it’s against the “natural” circle of life! All I ever wanted to be growing up was a mom – everything else is just icing on the cake!! I’m glad your daughter recovered!
Such a beautiful post. I remember taking my son to the ER with his arm wide open from putting it through a plate glass window. I had never seen so much blood in my life. I agree that nothing else matters when our children are hurting.
Pięknie napisałaś, Ewa! This is is a beautiful post and for me, it comes in very timely. I am overwhelmed, and have taken on too many things. I made a huge mistake on my invoices for the ad company I am working for. So far, I was very proud of the fact that I am making money off my blog… but I can stop having these ads if I chose so. I can always take them down. I don’t need them. Like you, I am a mom first. Thank you for writing this.
I.am.in.tears. So beautiful, Ewa. I feel an attachment to your little girls, although I’ve never met them. And, to you. You’ve really inspired me through this post. The message to focus on what is really important, not on what isn’t completely perfect in your mind. And there is the beauty.
Gorgeous post!
Jen 🙂
I love this post! So much of it resonates with me, but it’s also the way you tell your story and the journey that you are on that is very, very special. Well done, Mom!
Beautiful post which so accurately describes how being a mum changes us and or priorities so completely.
Thanks for sharing such a powerful post.
So beautifully written Ewa, and so very true! Not too long ago my husband said to me (we were talking about my job) what were your dreams, what did you always want to be? And my automatic answer (which I did not even have to think about) was “a mom”. Everything else is second to that! I hope everything turned out ok with your daughter! Sending hugs your way.
Loved this post Ewa – I echo so many of your sentiments. And yes, we could have been this, or that, but I could NOT imagine NOT being a mom!