I’ve made many mistakes as a parent.
I’ve yelled, spanked out of anger, accused and spoken hurtful words out of frustration.
Only to realise that there’s no way to undo the deed…well, except to say “I’m sorry” to my children.
We had a recent episode where I came home from work to find out that Vera had in a moment of fury, grabbed a cane and hit her god-grandmother. I, in a moment of outrage, swiftly used the same method of punishment on her.
I was shocked to hear of her actions, as we’ve never heard of her using force or violence on anyone in our home.
That evening, I cried. Because I felt like I had failed as a mother.
I wondered if it was because of my own disciplinary actions on her, that had taught her the example of using the cane to lash out when she was angry.
After we were calm, I sat her down and taught her some ways of expressing anger, ways that are more socially acceptable such as shouting into a pillow or hugging her favourite soft toy.
I also apologised for having been so angry, and for spanking her when I was at the peak of that anger.
After discussing with my husband in private, I realised that I’d made the mistake of not allowing her to give her side of the story, not seeking to understand what was in her heart and mind when she made that grave mistake, before disciplining her, not giving her any benefit of doubt. In my fit, it did not dawn on me that I wasn’t there to witness the incident, and therefore cannot be fully aware of the circumstances that had provoked her to such behaviour.
I’m not trying to make excuses for her behaviour; it’s definitely wrong for her to hit someone else. But it’s true that it’s far from her generally happy and eager-to-please temperament. It’s also true that I can never fully comprehend what had happened, after-the-fact. Therefore, I also shouldn’t resort to extreme forms of punishment, after-the-fact.
For the record, she is 4 years 7 months old, and the last we had used the cane on her must be about a year ago.
Despite my desire to be right, to teach right from wrong, and to set a good example, I see that there’s still much to be left wanting in my own parenting journey.
A friend once said that God designed parenthood to reveal our flaws and insecurities, so that we can work on them and become better people. I think that’s true.
And of course, the driving force behind that change is love.
Instead of berating myself and drowning in mommy guilt, which we all know can be paralysing, I have to keep moving forward, and focus on what I can do better instead.
What’s on my list?
- Less reacting to tantrums
- Less yelling
- More understanding
- More forgiveness
- More grace (especially when undeserved)
- More gentleness in teaching and discipline
- More room for mistakes for my children
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to put a complete check on any of these things, but I know I have to keep growing, keep trying, keep moving on, both for my sake and my family’s.
Children don’t need parents who are perfect. But they do need parents who will grow along as they grow, and to show them how to move on in grace even after a fall.
My child made a mistake. And I did too. But I’ve learnt from this episode, and I hope she as well. And that is what’s most important.
I leave you with a quote I read recently that’s stuck on my mind and heart as I trudge along this life-long journey of parenting:
“Children brought up in homes where they are free to be different, vulnerable, candid, and to make mistakes learn firsthand what the genuine love of God looks like.” (Grace-based Parenting)
This is an original post by June Yong for World Moms Blog.
Photo Credit: Lon Fong Photography-trying to catch up! via Compfight cc
It is so incredibly touching! I loved the quote: “God designed parenthood to reveal our flaws and insecurities, so that we can work on them and become better people” It is so true. No one is perfect, but this confession is perfect!
Thanks for leaving an encouraging word here, Olena. 🙂
June, I have to agree that being a parent has made me so very aware of my flaws as a person, and I too have worked hard to address my parenting errors with our boys.
Remember to allow yourself the grace of forgiveness too, none of us is perfect and, I believe, it’s through our imperfectness that our children learn that their own are normal.
*own imperfections
Thanks Karyn, the flaws show up everywhere and at times when we are least prepared to deal with it sometimes! Parenting is indeed very one of the most humbling exercises in the world…
Dear June, I commend you for your courage in sharing this story with the world. All of us are made up of both positive and negative traits, and we all do better when we know better. Acknowledging your mistake and apologizing to your child is HUGE! I’m sending you a big hug, because I know that we are our own worst critics!!
Thanks Simona. Hugs back! 🙂
“God designed parenthood to reveal our flaws and insecurities, so that we can work on them and become better people” – exactly!! I could not agree more! Being a parent is hard….and so rewarding! We are all I the same boat, we have all made mistakes. The most incredible mirror of our mistakes are when our children repeat them to the world. To me, this is the most incredible growing experience as a parent. As long as we learn from it we will be able to raise amazing adults, who will undoubtedly make their own mistakes to learn from. Thanks for having the courage and sharing this with us. And remember, you are doing a great job. None of us is perfect, and that’s ok! ***hugs***
I agree with what you said about children mirroring our mistakes to us. Like…ALL the time?! I hope that when we learn, it reflects off ’em little ones too…That would be the biggest grace and encouragement along this journey. Thanks Maman!
Oh yes, I know! When the kids yell at each other I all to often realize how much like me they sound and when I yell I realize how much I sound as my own father. And always, always there is the immediate regret. Having children is like a mirror: you are always being confronted with your own behaviour and actions.
That’s so true, Tinne. Well said!
I don’t think it’s just parenthood that God designed to reveal our flaws and insecurities, so that we can work on them and become better people. I think it’s every single relationship in our life that we attach importance to. Even something silly like someone you don’t know who gets you angry is there to reveal something about yourself.
As far as children being our mirrors-definitely. For good and for bad. http://www.newdaynewlesson.com/your-childs-behavior-is-your-mirror/