As a new mother, I felt disoriented a lot, I imagine like most of you. I mean, who was this wondrous little creature, equal parts mom and dad and maybe bit of a wayward uncle somewhere in there.
New babies are all instinct, nervous system and an unrelenting digestive system. We, the new moms, eagerly search for any hint of their uniqueness – anything that separates them from other babies and helps us learn about the little emerging person they are. Are they independent or clingy? A giggler or more serious? An old soul or a new one (if you’re so inclined to think that way)?
And with every expression of something new – a proclivity or an interest or an emotion – I wondered: Is this just typical baby stuff or is it an expression of his unique Caleb-ness. We found it incredible how much he responded to music and loved to kick around balls with a deftness that seemed beyond his babyhood. We harbored fantasies related to orchestral and athletic prowess. But, really, wasn’t this stuff universal? Don’t all babies love music and playing with orb-shaped objects?
That was the root of my disorientation: which of this stuff was the embodiment of babyhood and which was the embodiment of this particular baby? In this one way (and ONLY in that way) I was a bit envious of a friend who had fraternal twins. At each developmental stage their uniqueness was obvious. Susie was the shy one who loved to snuggle and Jack was the independent one who never wanted to sleep.
With an only child there is simply no point of comparison. A first born defines what a baby is. It’s a tall order for such a little guy.
Now here I am with my second boy in my arms. And everything he does is inevitably compares to his brother. He talks later, clings more, sleeps worse, snuggles more, fears strangers more etc… THAN his brother. His teeth came in closer together, his fingers are longer, he loves animals more, is less interested in television shows and wants to be carried more THAN his brother. You’d think I’d finally be relieved by being able to know my baby in comparison to some precedent.
But instead of providing a touchstone to better understand my baby, I find myself wondering if these comparisons are fair to the little guy. It’s as if I can’t understand him outside of his relation to his brother. Somehow, now that I have a frame of reference, I find myself doing the inevitable human thing of sorting and comparing. Sometimes it provides a useful orientation, and sometimes I wonder if it prevents me from fully seeing my baby.
I love those boys more than I thought possible. I feel more protective of and endeared to them than anyone else on the planet. And cliché as it is, that love grows every day. That love defies an intellectual “understanding” of who each one is as person. But, knowing your child is the color within the thickly etched lines of that raw human love. I want to see those colors as clearly as possible.
What do you other mamas think of this? Do you have trouble truly “seeing” your kids not in relation to their siblings? Does it even matter?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by our writer in Kenya, Mama Mzungu, who writes at www.mamamzungu.com .
Photo credit to the author.
Mama Mzungu (Kenya)
Originally from Chicago, Kim has dabbled in world travel through her 20s and is finally realizing her dream of living and working in Western Kenya with her husband and two small boys, Caleb and Emmet. She writes about tension of looking at what the family left in the US and feeling like they live a relatively simple life, and then looking at their neighbors and feeling embarrassed by their riches. She writes about clumsily navigating the inevitable cultural differences and learning every day that we share more than we don’t. Come visit her at Mama Mzungu.
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I compare all the time. But indeed, I think it is tricky to just compare without judging or worrying. It’s even quite odd in our case, as our youngest was adopted and the oldest wasn’t.
But sometimes it helps me to understand them, in some way. When I see clear similarities in their behaviour, I can be more or less assured it is ‘normal’, and not related to adoption or attachment, for example.
On the other hand, comparing them and finding differences, helps me seeing them as individuals, not just siblings.
So comparison is for me not a way to define their relationship, but more a way to understand them. They’re each other’s reference in rough parenting patches.
Yes! This is exactly what I mean. I’m glad it resonated because I was worried I was overthinking the whole thing. ; ) Comparisons really are a double edged sword. They help us put things in context, but can sometimes end up pigeon-holing. But it’s a natural human tendency, so… what can we do? : )
The only thing you need to remember is that each kid is born to a different parent and a different family. You are not the same mother you were to your first born and your family is not the same either. So honestly, I don’t think it matters whether you compare or not as long as you strive to see the uniqueness in each one and of course keep your comparing to yourself and not discuss it with your kids.
I think seeing each of my daughters grow differently makes it clearer to me who they are. For example, one came out of the womb drawing and the other rolling a ball. Watching their preferences has helped me suggest interesting things for them — my oldest really enjoys a painting class and my youngest loves soccer.
Seeing how different my younger one is from her older sister often gives me epiphanies about her older sister, too, so it can work both ways!
I think before we even get to comparing, we are listening. Listening and noticing who this little person is. That, perhaps, is the most important part!
Great post, Kim!
Jen 🙂
We see our children through our lens of motherhood, and that lens constantly adjusts, zooms and focuses based on our experiences. I am not the same mom with 2 boys as I was with just 1. All those “firsts” as a mother changed me and how I see the world as well as my kids. So I think I can’t help but compare them as a way to process and make sense of things. But as Susie touched on…it’s not about judging them, but instead understanding them. I talk about how my children are the same/different often. I marvel at those things, and I wouldn’t change them 🙂
I am currently pregnant with our second baby, and already worrying about the comparisons! Out first is so precocious – what if our second always feels like she’s living in her big sister’s shadow? And am I setting her up for just such a fate by expecting it before she’s even born?
I agree with everything the other moms have said. 🙂
I often say that my son and daughter are my sun and my moon – they couldn’t be more different if they tried! I LOVE that (despite their differences – or maybe even because of them) they get on very well and have a lot of friends in common. I think that (as long as you give each child UNCONDITIONAL LOVE) there’s no harm in noticing the differences.
Comparing one child to another is only a problem when one child’s achievements are used to shame the other child. No parent should EVER say “why can’t you be more like your brother/sister” but should rather encourage each child according to their own strengths and interests.
I think it’s ok to compare for your own knowledge of who each one is, it not to compare them to pit them against one other (as I have seen). You should learn from each one and love each one of their differences as much as their similarities. I suspect comparing them is a bit less pronounced when you have one of each sex, like I do, as opposed 2 of the same like you do. You’re doing great – esp since you are aware of it!