Of all of the illnesses that can descend upon a happy family, I consider depression to be among the worst.
Depression kills.
Suicide is one of the top ten causes of death in Canada. In my age group, it is the #2 killer, after accidental death. I am more likely to die by suicide than from cancer. I am four times more likely to be killed by myself than by a murderer.
My husband is even higher risk. He has a 20% chance of dying by suicide… that’s a 1/5 chance, worse than a toss of a die.
Shortly after my miscarriage, my husband, who has always been prone to depression, became suicidal. He was committed, he went on short term disability, he got put on a bunch of medications, none of which seemed to help.
For months I spent all day at work worried that I would find a corpse when I came home, and wondering how I would explain his death to our three year old son.
Now he seems to have leveled out a bit, and while he still has suicidal thoughts, the chance of him acting on them is much less. But he’s still unable to work, unable to do much of anything. He’s not himself.
I miss him.
Depression affects the mind and body. Not only is the sufferer often physically unable to function, but they also suffer personality changes. That makes life extremely hard for the spouse, because even though I KNOW it is a disease, even though I KNOW my husband is in pain, even though I KNOW it is out of his control…
I sometimes have to work hard not to get frustrated or angry.
Because, quite honestly… a depressed spouse closely resembles a jackass.
For the past 6 months, I have essentially been acting as a single parent, while my husband lay on the couch.
If I was on the outside of this relationship looking in, and I didn’t know about the depression, I would think my husband was a major ass.
But depression is NOT the same as being an ass, and if you are married to a depressed spouse, there are little things you can look for to assure yourself that, yes, they are, in fact, sick and not actually jackasses or jerks.
How To Tell A Depressed Spouse From A Jackass
- A jackass sleeps in every morning, while you get up with the kids…. But a depressed spouse physically cannot be woken up at times, and may sleep for 24 hours straight.
- A jackass doesn’t help around the house… Â But a depressed spouse knows that your workload is too heavy and is grateful for any housework you manage to do.
- A jackass leaves you to do the majority of the childcare… But a depressed spouse still exerts special effort to stay involved every now and then. He will physically collapse after attempting this.
- A jackass never wants to do your favourite things with you…Â But a depressed spouse never wants to do his own favourite things any more, either.
- A jackass snaps at you out of the blue all of the time… But a depressed spouse sometimes cries out of the blue, too.
- A jackass wants to live… But a depressed spouse may not.
All you can do is be as kind as understanding as you can. I like to ask myself, “Would it be okay for me to expect this of him if he had cancer?” or “What would I say if he had cancer, instead of depression?” and then I do that. Because he has a deadly disease, and I need to remember that.
The best thing to remember when trying to get through life with a depressed spouse is to constantly remind yourself of this:
- A jackass will always be a jackass… But a depressed spouse used to help with the housework, used to contribute equally to childcare, used to do fun things with you… and will again some day, when he recovers.
Do any of you have loved ones with depression? How do you cope?
This is an original post for World Moms Blog by Carol.  She can be found blogging at If By Yes and on Twitter @IfByYesTweets.Â
Photo credit to Paranoid Monk. Â This photo has a creative commons attribute license.
A very important post, Carol. Thanks so much for this and my thoughts and good wishes are with you and your family as you struggle together through PH’s depression.
Thanks, Karyn!
Carol,
I cant help but really think about what a fine line it is between the points you just made, and how easy it is for one to forget about the disease and perhaps take a run for it under the assumption that one is in fact a jackass.
You are truly ‘for better for worse’ and very inspiring at that.
Thank you for this insightful post
Thank you. I work hard to remember who my husband really is, and even though he does his best to convince me some days that he is a terrible person, I know how kind and good he is.
As time goes on, I see more and more of that person returning.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. The difference between a depressed person and a jackass gave me some chuckles. I’m recently divorced from my spouse who clearly has depression and other issues but refuses to even acknowledge it & puts all the blame & fault on me for our marriage failing. He clearly has a bit of both traits. Does that make him a split or multiple personality? But seriously thank you for sharing as I know each day has it’s difficulties for you and I will be thinking & praying for you, your son & your husband.
I’m sorry to hear that. Remember that depression and jackassery are not mutually exclusive. Just as having cancer doesn’t necessarily make someone a good person, depression doesn’t excuse a true ass from being an ass.
Very powerful post Carol. I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you. My brother has suffered depression for years and at times has been suicidal. It really is an awful disease and yes I’ve been angry with him many times but try to remind myself it is not his fault. I sincerely hope your husband can get the help he needs to get through this all. As someone who once suffered postpartum depression , I know firsthand it is a dark, scary a d lonely place to be.
Yes, and I’ve been through depression too, so I know how hard it is. I think it would be even harder for spouses who have never suffered it and might still believe that he should just “suck it up” and get off the couch.
Carol, thank you for this incredibly helpful reminder of how serious depression is and how shifting our thinking about it really can help. In Nov. my husband and I list a good friend and her baby twin boys because her husband was deeply depressed and didn’t want to die alone. I wrote about it here (https://growingmuses.wordpress.com/2013/11/26/there-are-no-words/)
This is a very personal and valuable post and I thank you for writing about it. Hang in there.
I remember reading about that and it horrified me. I am so sorry that you lost your friend that way, it’s the kind of thing that makes you question the order of the universe. My friend lost her cousin that way, when her uncle killed his son and then turned the gun on himself.
Thankfully, PH isn’t that type, even though in his darker moments he has joked that murder suicide seems so pessimistic – what if you kill the other person and then cheer up?
He’s convinced that we’d be better off without him.
Carol,
We’ve been messaging you about your post, but I want to let you know again, that I am here for you!! I’m glad that your husband is getting help, and I hope things get better for you both soon. Thank you for raising awareness on this important topic. It means a lot.
Jen 🙂
Thanks!
What an important post and one that I hope helped you to write. You’re not alone and neither is your husband. This post also reminds me to pause before snapping back at someone who is behaving like a jackass and to ask myself if that person maybe doesn’t have more going on inside than I realize….
Thank you.
Yes, I think the most important thing I have realized over the last ten years is that if someone does or says something hurtful, it is because they are damaged somehow….
I am sorry. I know I cant do anything from out here. But please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Carol – to say you have been going through a difficult time is an understatement. Thank you for sharing what must have been hard to put down into words. Thinking of you and your family.
Posts like this one remind me of all that we do for eachother by sharing our words. Thank you and much love to you and yours … recognising it all for what it is, can still not make wrestling with it every day any easier.
Love to you all … may these dark days come into the light soon xxxx
I think it is so important for us to share these things, so that even from across the globe, we can know we aren’t alone…
This post was a difficult one to read for me, because I have been the depressed spouse.
It is so hard to live with depression. I wish I had wise words for you or words to soften the pain and struggle you have to go through. All I can say is, that I understand and that I feel for you. And that I hope and pray that the days that aren’t colored dark by depression’s presence and days that you get to recognize and enjoy your husband may become more frequent.
Much love.
Yes, I have been that spouse too, although in my case antidepressants helped right away, so it wasn’t for very long, nor was it as severe. But it means that I understand what he’s going through, and that makes a difference. For someone who has never experienced it, watching your spouse appear to lose all interest in you or your feelings and unable to be in any way useful would be even more hurtful.
Thank you for being so open. It gives huge perspective. I am fortunate to not be dealing with this now, but I have those close to me who are, and it’s just so difficult. You convey reality and optimism, and I think that is just amazing. Best to you and your family!