“Your house is a dungeon of rules” is what one of my child’s closest friends said to him last week.
That was a unique way of saying something I’ve heard many times before. “Your house has so many rules!” “Is it true you make them go to sleep at 7 on a weekend?” “Why can’t they play on the iPad during the week?” And “What!!! No coke??”.
Just for the record, my 7 and 10 year old don’t go to sleep at 7 on weekends or on weekdays. They fall sleep anywhere between 8 and 8:30 on weeknights and 9:30-10:00 on weekends. They both wake up at 6:30. Most experts would agree that 10 hours of sleep is healthy and needed. Some might even say that my 7 year old needs more sleep.
Weekdays are screen free unless it’s homework related and yes, it’s true, no coke or any other fizzy drink full of sugar for the kids. I’m not saying they have never had it but it’s not allowed in my house, the “dungeon of rules” house.
Our other house rules include: only healthy unprocessed foods, a blasphemously early dinner time (by Saudi and Arab standards), no eating in front of the TV, limited screen time when they have friends over, no backing out on a commitment (like after school classes, parties or visiting friends), and making eye contact and being polite.
All our house rules feels right to me, like I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. So why has a comment made by my son’s 10 year old friend bothered me so much?
I think it’s because I know that the older he gets, the more he will be hearing these kind of comments. Or probably because when I was young, I did live in a dungeon of rules. Unfortunately for my mother, there was no ‘organic’ or ‘natural’ alternatives to the junk others were having.
Growing up, I did feel like my mother imposed too many rules on us.
As an adult, I know I’m a better parent for it. My mother planted the seed of wanting my children to eat well and be healthy in me. She made me realize that children cannot always get what they want, or think they want.
I had a lovely childhood full of freedom and excitement in ways other children never had. For example, I could always choose what I wanted to wear, so I always wore an outfit of a sleeveless top and ruffled skirt that was black with a purple line around the edges. When that was in the wash, I looked like a hobo. We never had a million adults around us all the time just a nanny who didn’t worry about us getting dirty. We explored and imagined and had a whole troop of explorers with us who all had different rules than ours and we survived.
Children now talk more openly to their parents and other adults and I am always amazed at how comfortable they are telling me things I would have never dreamed to say to an adult when I was a child. Maybe that’s the only difference. The fact that I know that our house is called “the dungeon of rules”.
Will my children end up feeling deprived that I don’t let them stay up late? That’s probably the biggest obstacle I have. That, and trying to keep them from eating junk. I can handle being known as the strict mother but can my kids handle being known as the ones with so many rules? (Another gem was when one of their other friends said at dinner “In my house I have no rules! No one says no to me”.)
I am trying something new in my parenting now and it seems to be having a positive effect. I tell them what they’re working towards. They do have rules, but in return for how well behaved, independent and responsible they are (which they really work hard at and achieve brilliantly most days) they get more freedom than any of the kids with ‘no rules’.
I respect them and their opinions. They have the right to say they don’t like a rule and I as a parent have the duty to enforce it. They have choices in their lives and a say in how they want things to go, as long as they continue to prove they’re responsible enough to make them. I’m toughest when I know they’re doing something that is beneath their ability or their character. I find it hard to stay positive in those situations. I believe in them so much that it’s difficult to see them doing something that’s not a reflection of their ability.
Many mothers have told me I’m expecting too much of my children but I’m so immensely proud of them and what they achieve, how self reliant they are in the environment they’re living it, how they take responsibility for their actions and how they effect others. I believe none of that would have happened had I not expected so much of them.
As for the rules, the basic fact of the matter is that children cannot be healthy, happy and productive if they are sleep deprived, have an unhealthy diet and if they rely on passive entertainment such as iPads and TV’s. So, if it takes a dungeon of rules to make them happy and healthy then I’m making a neon sign and sticking it on the roof!
Do you feel you have too many rules?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Mama B from Saudi Arabia. She can be found writing at her blog, Ya Maamaa.
Photo Credit to Dave Hamster who holds a Creative Commons Attribution license.
Oh my, then my kids are living in a dungeon as well!
We have almost the exact same rules.
1) My 4 yo goes to sleep at 7-7.30, and my 7 yo at 8-8.30, including the weekends. They get up at 7 am. Especially the 7yo needs a lot of sleep. After 11 hours of sleep, I still need to wake him! I’m lucky that he won’t ask if he can stay up late, because he just can’t…
2) No coke EVER, nor other soda. We drink water with our meals and in school (luckily, this is also school policy), and in the mornings we drink herbal tea or (rice) milk, and juice on Sundays and when we go out for dinner or a play date. They like it, because this way drinking juice is a nice treat. We even have a rule about the juice: one glass or bottle is all they get. After that, it’s water. Yes, I’m strict, but this way I avoid them overindulging in their ‘treat’. They do have soda on parties, when we’re not around, they’re not thàt disciplined. Yet 🙂
3) No candy, except for Tuesdays and Saturdays. On those days, they have violin practice after school, which is an hours’ drive. So after violin, in the hour we have to drive back, we agreed they deserve a special treat. It is a demanding trip for them.
4) Violin practice every day at home, except for when they are ill or at a sleepover or something. It is very important to me they learn how to work hard to accomplish something. Luckily, they are both motivated to play the violin. They do need encouragement for their daily practice (although the 4 yo will always ask for more), but they see it as a part of their daily routine, so generally there’s no fuss about it (any more).
5) Screen time is only in the weekends and on Wednesdays (because on Wednesday they only have half a day of school). And if they argue over shutting down the tv on those days (I always give them a warning 15 minutes before), they loose a screen-day.
6) Home made cooking 6 out of 7 days. We do allow one ‘less healthy’ meal per week, which would be fries, or pizza, but we try to make up to this by having for example vegetable soup and fresh bread for lunch, and then the junk for dinner that day.
7) General rule, one I say out loud a lot: in my house, kids that are responsible and reasonable, get to choose more. Kids that act irresponsible, are kept on a ‘tight leash’ and get no choices. Their priviliges go hand in hand with their responsible behavior.
I’ll be getting some shackles and chains for my dungeon now…
Rule number 7 is exactly what I say to mine!! Happy to see there are other dungeons out there. But it is so true that the more they show responsibility the more freedom they will have!
I loved the vivid recollection you had about what you used to wear because you had to choose it.
As long as the rules are working and you don’t feel stressed by upholding them then continue doing what you are doing. You seemt o have put a lot of thought into it.
Thank you. It does work and I am a firm believer in that what works for me may not work for others but it’s still difficult to hear it ‘from the mouth of babes’ lol
We have lots of rules, and some can be broken sometimes – for instance we have a rule about having sweets only on saturdays (after dinner has been eaten, including vegetables), but on special occasions we allow sweets (birthdays, christmas) etc.
The only rule I will not let them break is the bedtime! The 4 year old and 1 year old both have to be in their bed at 7pm. And the reason I think that rule is so important is that it allows me to have some quiet time 🙂
YES! Adult time is important lol as well as quiet time.
Mama B, you’re right! Don’t worry about what others say. The real truth is that kids need clear and consistent rules in order to feel safe and loved. My son is now a few days away from his 21st birthday and my daughter will soon be 18. They also grew up with “set in stone” rules and others that could be negotiated on. I can confirm that my kids are NOT resentful at all about the way the were raised. On the contrary, they’re exemplary young people and we have a wonderful relationship. 🙂
Thats such a good point. And I think you touched on my biggest worry and that is will my kids resent me or will it effect our relationship, It didn’t effect mine with my mother and I am happy to hear it didn’t your either! Thank you for the comment.
I don’t think it is about the rules. I think it is about the way you treat your children. If your rules are about making your children happier and healthier, if you make sure that your kids know why you have certain rules and if you are willing to listen to what your kids think about your rules (which doesn’t mean caving in..), I don’t think there is anything wrong.
I have heard comment about my rules as well, but at the end of the day I know exactly why we have our rules in our house as do my kids and I see my kids thriving, so I must be doing something right.
I agree with that totally. There is a difference between setting rules and explaining why and just setting them and being a bully.
Sometimes we have to make up the rules as we go along. If it feels right then great, stick with what works for you and your family! Sometimes leaving room for change or “modification” from time to time is a nice way to stay flexible and still feel in control. As a mother of 2 teenagers, a tween and a 4-year old, I’ve had to bend some of “the rules” over the years. But I tell you, it’s nice to have a strong foundation from which to begin. If the kids learn healthy habits while they’re young, it’s a lot easier to keep them on track as they get older. Dungeon or not, I’d say you’re kids are the lucky ones.
Thank you! And we all break the rules sometimes for sure but I truly do believe that what I am doing is best for them and in fact because our rules are not the rules of the majority i can clearly see why I am implementing them by how other children behave sometimes.
I have rules too and I believe they are necessary. Like Simona said, kids need rules to feel secure, and rules can actually help them thrive. Amongst the rules I have for my boy, the hardest to enforce is probably the one about junk food. I tried to limit the amount of sweets and chocolates (and even biscuits – because they are processed foods) he gets but his teachers and friends in school would offer it to him. I would love to hear some great tips from other moms on this one!
What I do is control what he eats in the house and educate them as much as possible on why they have to eat healthy and what happens when they don’t. Then just accept that sometimes they won’t. The 80 20 rule is always the best way to go for me. So 80% of the time they will eat healthy and then their bodies can cope with the 20% they are not.
I totally understand, Mama B.!
The food one is easy to enforce, because I’m the one buying the food.
Screen time is my daily battle. When they really want to watch something during the day, then my rule is that it has to be in French, the 2nd language they’re learning.
When I’m cooking dinner, they are allowed to watch something in English if my older one’s homework is done. But, we’ve had 3 days in a row off from school with Martin Luther King Jr. day on Monday and then 2 snow days. I found the more time they had at home, the more they were choosing to play instead of asking for screen time. Monday they were asking a lot, and by Wednesday, they hardly asked.
My older one is really into making clothes for her dolls. She has been doing it with a paper and tape kit, but yesterday, we ventured into getting out the needle and thread. My younger one loves to play with her toy horses and cowgirl. The crayons, markers and paper are always out, which often reels them in.
I try to bring my 2 year old to bed between 6 and 7pm. My 6 year old is to bed between 8 and 8:30pm. They both naturally wake up around 7am. We keep the same schedule on the weekends. But yes, if we’re out and about, then they sometimes get to sleep later. And, I pay the next day! They definitely need their sleep!
As for food, I was allowed lots of soda and sweets as a kid. I was overweight! I don’t drink soda, and I’ve let my kids try it, but they find the bubbles horrible, so that makes things easy. And, sweets are regulated. Although this morning I found my two year old was very quiet and she managed to get into a tin of chocolates and ate two. Before breakfast. Next, she kept the time-out chair warm.
So, as you can see, I’m just trying my best!
Thanks for this post, Mama B.!
Jen 🙂
you always know something is up when 2 year olds are quiet lol. They are either filling their nappy or doing something wrong! The fact that our kids can play and have fun for long periods of time without asking for screen time is huge! I think that on it’s own is a testament to how good the no screen or limited screen rule is!