Not too long ago, my four-year-old started understanding the concept of fairness vs. unfairness. To him, life is unfair, oh so many times ,during the day. To me, the fact that he can express his frustration over a denied chocolate treat before dinner or being sent back to sleep in his room when he tries to sneak into mom and dad’s bed, is just another sign of my toddler becoming a big boy.
Evan has not only learned to voice his frustration but has become a strong little boy with convictions. He will call my husband and I out on our mistakes and let us know how he believes what we are doing is not fair and shouldn’t be done. Sometimes I just chuckle, but sometimes my heart just skips a beat. For Evan, unfairness is represented by tangible things he cannot have or those few extra minutes in front of the TV that he wasn’t allowed. I feel so blessed that, so far, this is all the unfairness he has had to face. In the past few weeks, however, Evan has experienced a new kind of frustration. We recently explained to him that in a few months we will move to a new home. Although it’s our home country, we have never lived there as a family, and this is the first time Evan will get to experience his passport country for more than a few weeks. According to our passport, we are going home, and Evan thinks this is unfair.
For Evan, it is unfair that we won’t be able to take our beloved nanny with us, and that he won’t get to see his school friends and neighbors. We are so unfair for putting his toys in boxes and even worse leaving behind those he was outgrown. It is just not fair that we won’t live in “Inonesia” (Indonesia) anymore. He is very concerned about his bed, his blanket and his new bike and at times I feel like he just might be right. Perhaps we are being unfair to him and his brother for severing their roots in Indonesia and making them start from zero. But then again, we chose this lifestyle and determined that this was what we wanted for our family even before we were married.
This is the first time that Evan will experience a little bit of heartbreak but a whole lot of love from those we are leaving behind and those who are waiting for us State side. It hurts me to see him so concerned about the upcoming move and I know without a doubt that this process is challenging and painful for him. This is the first time he will get to live in his home country and through the pain of leaving home as he knows it, I am certain he will grow into a stronger little boy resilient through times of change and uncertainty.
It is not fair that it will take Evan less time than me to settle in his new home, but I’m so glad it will.
Was there a moment in your kid’s lives when you realized that they were not little kids anymore? According to your children, how is life unfair?
This is an original post written for World Moms Blog by Ana Gaby. You can find Ana Gaby blogging at Stumble Abroad.
Photo credit to the author.
Ana, I definitely see the changes in stages of my kids as they are growing up…and sometimes it blows my mind. I can imagine mine chiming in with Evan about what is “fair” and “unfair” 🙂
Wishing you the best of luck with your move!
P.S. I do believe that you are absolutely right about Evan settling in quicker to his new home than you.
Hi Eva! It definitely blows my mind, too! They surprise me every single day! 🙂 Thanks for the well wishes.
Ana,
Remind him that he can come back one day and visit! I can imagine how difficult it will be for him, but he will find new things to be excited about in his new place!
What do my kids think is unfair? When I limit screen time, take book time or song time away at night if they’re not listening. All things I hate doing, but feel I have to, to keep them from getting over stimulated, get them to free play or help them learn how to listen.
Best of luck on your new journey!!
Jen 🙂
Hi Jen. Great advice. Thanks! And it’s so interesting to hear about what kids find fair and unfair. I am looking forward to being close to so many world moms blog moms! Can’t wait to meet so many of you in person!
That’s tough, but I have a feeling you’re right: He’ll sad and worried now but will probably be faster to adapt when it’s all over and done with. Good luck with the move!
Thanks , Karyn! Kids are so resilient. I am sure he will be so excited to be in a new home and a new school but for now he is very sad about moving away from all his dear friends.
I remember when my son learned “unfair” a few years ago… At first I chuckled because what does a 4 or 5 year old know about fairness? Now (that he is 7) I have started to explain to him that life’s not fair, and that the better he handles it the happier he’ll be in life. He doesn’t like that answer, but it’s the truth! Life may seem unfair to Evan with this move, but I’m sure that he will be settled into his new life so quickly. Tell him he can always come back and visit, the way you have visited the US while you were living in Indonesia :-). Best of luck with your move Ana!
What a great way to teach him about what really is unfair. He’s four so of course loosing a toy is the end of the world but the concept will definitely be useful in the future to teach him valuable life lessons. Thanks for your encouraging words.
Ana! I feel for you and your family as you make this exciting and difficult transition. I am 6 months into the transition back to the US, and Edem still asks for Indonesia every other day, but he is adjusting, as am I. Edem definitely doesn’t think it is fair that we can’t go back to Bali whenever we want!
Hi Erin. It’s great to know that you are doing well and that you are adapting to your new life. I will also think it is not fair that I won’t be able to visit Bali just for a weekend whenever we want to!