When my boys were small, it was easy to find ways for them to nurture. They all had dolls and stuffed animals to care for and I tried hard to let them hug me whenever they wanted, even when it was really inconvenient or awkward, or snotty, or tiring for me.
But it got harder, when they got older. Dolls gave way to LEGO and cars, then Nerf guns and Minecraft. Time away from me at kindy or school, or play-dates or sport, meant the hugs, while no less enthusiastic, were less frequent. I realised I had to be more lateral in seeing their nurturing: Life had changed and they had grown beyond my initial, pre-baby, plans and ideas.
It came to me in a flash of understanding, a few weeks ago, how much their being in service to me, is their way of nurturing and this is what I now focus on, for this part of their growth and development.
The times when they tell me to sit on the sofa and do nothing, I need to listen to them and do as they wish. And while I have always accepted their offerings of daisies and dandelions picked from the lawn and scrunched in tiny hands, I now have to accept them pouring my wine and cooking my dinner – without my input.
The times they volunteer to do these things, I need to keep my directions to myself and my appreciation flowing – despite my discomfort at sitting still while they work and despite the painful slowness with which they perform these tasks.
I have also learned to accept them opening doors for me. They do this not because they think I can’t manage to do so for myself, but because it’s a way they can show me that they care for me.
And I accept their offerings, not because I think I deserve this gesture because of my gender, or my age, or my position as grand dame in their lives, but because I see it for what it is: Nurturing of me, and something to be valued and encouraged.
Apologies have also become a point of nurturing. In our house, they are seen not as just social niceties and empty words, but as a starting point for repairing a battered emotional bond. After an apology-needing moment they almost always ask, “How can I make things better?” And are wonderful at showing they really do mean their words via their actions. They nurture their relationship with me, as I do with them.
No, they aren’t angel children who do these things all the time. They still need direction and they can be down right horrid. They are often disorganised and they are often messy, noisy and silly. But they do show their ability to nurture in a variety of ways. I just have to look at their actions from a different perspective, and accept their gestures as signs of the loving emotion behind them.
How do your children show you they care?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from our writer in New Zealand and mother of 3 loving boys, Karyn.
The photograph used in this post is credited to the author.
Wonderful post Karyn.
What touches me most is when my kids show they “get” me. They do this in all sorts of ways, mostly through humor, and I’m tickled each time to realize just how closely they pay attention.
That is a fabulous way for your children to show they care for you, Laura!
How lovely to know your children ‘get’ you.
Wonderful post, Karyn! I love how you capture the spirit and joy of raising boyz!
Thanks, Jennifer! Boys are fun…mostly. 😀
Karen,
What fine looking young men you have. I find now that my boys are older, things like them hanging out a load of washing or cooking dinner is an awesome way for my boys to show they care and nurture.
That and the fact that even now my 19 year old will still send me a text message to let me know where he is and when he’ll be home if he’s running late, my 25 year old ends most text messages or conversations with the words love ya mum and the 16 year old well he just does so much to help around the house that it astounds me.
…..and no my children were never ‘angel’ children all the time, they could be quite horrible (and still can be) but then can’t we all 🙂
Raising awesome men though – there’s simply no greater feeling.
I agree, Fiona. It’s hard going some times but oh, so worth it!
I love hearing the ways your boys show they care for you…it gives me such hope.
Not even sure why I continually spell your name wrong when I know it has a ‘y’ – apologies for my rudeness 🙂
You’re absolutely right, Karyn (as always)! 🙂
My son was never one for physical displays of affection. Even as a toddler he’d wriggle out of my embrace as fast as possible. He also never much liked chores – so any little thing done without my having to nag him about it was really special! In March this year he moved to Germany to study (he is 21 now). In the 2 months between his decision to leave and his actual departure were the best 2 months I’ve ever had with my son. I guess he wanted to make sure I KNEW he loved me … so I actually got a lot of hugs as well as chores done without asking! 🙂
Most importantly though, the way he nurtures his girlfriend and her little girl (from a previous relationship) shows me that, despite everything, he has grown into an awesome and well-rounded young man. This Mamma is very proud.
I love that he took the time to show you how much he loved you before he left, Simona.
And how lovely for you to see him caring for his new girlfriend and her daughter, so well.
Good work. xx
Oh Karyn, I can’t even describe in words how impressed I am of women who raise boys. Each time I got pregnant I was hoping (almost praying) for a girl. You’re doing such a wonderful job raising a good men!!! I’m not sure I would be able to do that.
My girls, as much as they like to cuddle and kiss, they also like to help with my daily chores. Dusting, emptying dish washer, going to get laundry, folding the laundry, cooking. It doesn’t matter that most of the time they just make more mess! Sometimes I do want them to “leave it!!!”, but I take a few breaths and let them “help me” anyway, and I see them just “grow” in proudness…