We read about it as young children in folklore and fairy-tales. If we grew up in religious homes, we were taught about various aspects of it, without a full understanding of what it all meant. While I have a different outlook at this stage in my life, I try to shield my children from the pain of it. We can all agree that death (or the idea of dying) is scary.
In January 2010 I became a Peer Infant Loss Support Worker; two months later I was pregnant with my first Rainbow baby. Last year I applied to volunteer at a palliative care facility. Having dealt with loss, being younger than most of the volunteers, and since I was going through the process of grieving my infant son who passed away in 2009, the coordinator was sure that I was just what the program needed. Interestingly, I became pregnant soon after. Call me superstitious, however, at this point, I came to one conclusion – I’d had enough with death – I needed a break. I quickly resigned.
While my resignation was totally unreasonable and my actions irrational, I never looked back until I gave birth to a healthy baby girl. After the death of my father in 1993 I began thinking about death; but it wasn’t until the death of my infant son that I began searching, speaking and learning about the practices, rituals and beliefs surrounding life and death. For instance, before my son’s death, I knew nothing about Islamic burial practices. My husband, who had been to a couple of funerals also had no idea what to do. Our lack of knowledge, coupled with grief made it extremely difficult to process the practice of what was being done and why.
It was not until after the death and burial, that I truly began to understand the Islamic view on death and dying. Muslims believe that human existence continues after death in the after-life, and that we are judged on our actions from this life. We are taught to prepare for the after-life by doing good deeds in this life. Upon death, the corpse is washed by family members, shrouded in a white cloth, buried on its right side, with the head facing Mecca.
After our experience I began to ask questions about death and dying. While I am by no means an authority on these practices, I have connected with many women who have shared their experiences. In our dialogue, I have learned about Tibetan Buddhist rites of passage and the Tibetan Book of the Dead, various Christian ideas like Catholicism’s idea of purgatory and resurrection. I also learned about practices, like Balinese Hinduism death towers and the Jewish ritual of Shiva.
Death is frightening. Words like eternal life and afterlife can be comforting and scary simultaneously, especially for those of us who connect these words with thoughts of retribution and judgement. A few years ago, a Social Worker noted: “…parents aren’t supposed to bury their children.” I’ve heard this before, but I don’t really believe or subscribe to this thought. I learned that life is a journey, and we are all here for different reasons. Sometimes our road takes us farther than others.
So has my experience with burying a loved one made it easier for me to swallow the concept of my mortality? Has my cross-cultural knowledge made it easier to speak about it? Not really. Without a doubt, death is central to our existence. I am not blind to the reality of it, especially when it seems imminent (watching a friend or family living with serious diseases), but I don’t want to deal with it unless I have to.
What practices/beliefs about death and after-life do you hold?
This is an original post written for World Moms Blog by Salma. You can find Salma blogging at Party of Five in Calgary.
Photo credit to the author.
Salma,
So sorry for your loss. So, so sorry.
When and if the time is right, the support line will be there for you to help out at again, when you are ready. I don’t think you should feel bad at all about leaving it.
You have the curiosity of an anthropologist. I love that about you. I didn’t know about the Muslim death rituals.
My grandmother died earlier this year. The way I explained it to my children was that her memory is within us, and that we should continue to do good things and help people to remember her life.
Great post, Salma. It really made me think.
Jen 🙂
Jennifer,
I am truly sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. I wonder…how did your children take it? I don’t think we can ever “explain” death, but moving past it and doing good is a great way to keep their memory alive.
It’s funny that you noted the anthropology bit…my interests really took off when I was able to learn more about different cultures – it’s amazing the variations.
My belief can best be explained the way I explained it to my children when they were little. If you go to the beach and fill a bucket with ocean water then put it on the sand, the water inside the bucket is still the same, only it is in a container that separates it from the rest of the ocean. The bucket represents our body.
My belief is that the ocean represents God / Allah / whatever name you choose for the Almighty. We are all made of the same substance because science teaches us that “matter can neither be created nor destroyed, only changed from one state to another”. I believe that when we die, it’s like the bucket is knocked over and the water rejoins the rest of the ocean. In other words, all our loved ones have not ceased to exist, they continue to exist in a different form.
That is also why I have stated in my Will that I do not want a tombstone. I want to be cremated and I want my ashes to be scattered, because I don’t want anyone to feel that they have to come to a specific spot and bring flowers! I will not be there, but I will still BE. 🙂
Simona, what a great beautiful lesson for your kids (for anyone actually).
I never got to that point (trying to explain to the kids in a practical way).
You said:
“I don’t want anyone to feel that they have to come to a specific spot and bring flowers! I will not be there, but I will still BE.”
I agree. While Islamically we do not get cremated- I would also want my family to understand that I am beyond a hole in the ground.
Interesting thoughts Salma. I think you were right to resign. You had had enough.
I see death as the continuation of life. Death enters into account at the second of our birth. I really get it before I left Ireland and feared for my life.
I belive in life after death. And that people can see us from above, that when they die, they become angels and protect us. I talk to them a lot. They keep me safe.
It might not be how it is, but it’s the way I see death, the way I can handle it.
Thank you for your comment Marie.
I think when we experience certain things in our lives it helps to put things into perspective. Having something to hold on to- something to keep us going is very important in this short life. I’m glad that you made it out of Ireland, and I am sure it has made you a different person altogether 🙂
So sorry you have had to go through all of this Salma! On one hand, you are lucky that you have not had to loose anyone close to you (to learn about your own customs and traditions) until adulthood. I am Jewish, and as you mentioned we hold a Shiva when our loved ones pass. It literally means to ‘sit’. The immediate family can do nothing but sit for a week. Friends and extended family cook and clean and take care of them. They even cover the mirrors in their home, so as not to worry about how they look. They sit on boxes, so as not to worry about comfort. It is a week spent mourning and honoring the deceased, surrounded by family and friends. At the end of the week, you are supposed to be done mourning and go back to “normal”.
Maman Aya, thank you! Life does have a way of teaching us as we go along our journey. I am actually very grateful to have lived and learned about the stages of this fragile journey too.
My close friend went through the “shiva” process a while ago and I was truly amazed by it. She gave me an idea of it in a nutshell…thank you for filling in the blanks, it is very interesting to learn about various practices- especially the hows and the whys. I like the fact that there is a period of mourning and then life begins again, although I know it’s never that easy.
Salma,,
This subject is always in my mind..It is strange how much we think about it as we grow older, and never thought about it before.
I got to read your blogs and the grief is something that continues I believe.
Thank you for the great post.
Yes, grief is something that we carry but it doesn’t have to be what life is all about. I am so glad to be passed that, even if it pops up every now and then.
Thanks for commenting 🙂