I cried tonight. Real tears rolled down my face and my heart ached. My husband came and wrapped his arms around me and asked “Is it the suddenness of it?” You see, my dear friend is about to have a baby boy. Her first. I am so excited for her and so happy for her, she has wanted this for so long.
When she told me that she was pregnant, I immediately told her that I would give her my Bugaboo stroller – you know, the one that starts as a bassinet and converts to a big kid stroller as the child grows, has shocks on the tires (which you certainly need in the rough NYC streets) and accessories up the wazoo. I had my stroller for 7 1/2 years, and used it with both of my children. It was my son’s first “bed”, since I didn’t see the utility in buying a separate bassinet that he would only use for a few months. I had all of the accessories for it, from the cute little umbrella to the board that my son rode on once my daughter was born and it had been reconverted to a bassinet.
Last month my husband cleaned all of the hardware, vacuumed any loose crumb and reassembled the bassinet to prepare for this new baby boy to enjoy his turn to ride in his luxurious ride. He lovingly washed away our lives and children from it. I bought a new color canopy for it (I had red. My friend wanted blue).
I am happy that the stroller will bring such happiness to another family, especially a family that is so close with mine. I am happy that it will not collect dust, in a corner, now that my 3 1/2-year-old has almost outgrown it. I am happy that we are definitely getting our money’s worth, by passing it on to another child to use and grow into.
So why did I cry? Why am I still choked up as I write this? It’s because all of a sudden I realized that the removal of the stroller makes it so final.
Even though I said when my daughter was born, that I was done having children, somewhere in the back of my heart, I guess I still held out hope that we may decide to have another. My children have now started to ask for another baby, and I explained that we would not be having any more, but I am realizing that I haven’t fully accepted it.
I know that I currently feel overwhelmed with my work and family obligations. I can barely take care of myself and my family and home the way it is – how could I add another baby to the mix? I have finally gotten back to exercising and taking care of me – do I have the strength go through another pregnancy again especially as I am so close to turning 40 (shhh – don’t tell…. I will forever be 29 in my heart :))? I don’t think so. At least not right now.
I made the decision not to have anymore children, but taking our first stroller out of my home-made it so final, and I guess with this act I realized that maybe… just maybe… there is another soul out there who is destined to join our little family of four. Or, maybe not. But at least for now, if the time comes, that little soul will have a different stroller.
Have you ever doubted your choice in continuing/stopping to grow your family? What was your defining/questioning moment?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Maman Aya of New York City in the USA.
Photo credit to Carol at If By Yes.
Awwww, I can just imagine how that felt for you! For me, it was age and exhaustion that stopped me from having another baby.
Happy dance for your friend. (She does know about World Moms Blog, right? :D)
LOL Karyn – yep she certainly does! 🙂 Super happy dance for my friend. Her baby boy is so cute, and quite happy in his stroller. 🙂
Oh, I am with you in this place 🙁
I can’t say I’ve had this really final turning point, but I do hurt at times when giving away too small cloths and baby stuff, but particularly when I see a family of five.
We’ll stay a family of four allright. Juggling work and family already leaves me exhausted. Our house is perfect for a family of four. I can’t imagine having to drive three kids to their hobbies. They both have their special needs, so how would I be able to cope with a third one?
It’s all reason. But my heart says otherwise and leaves me crying from time to time.
Hugs…
Sending you hugs right back Katinka! The juggling really is tough. Yet another reason to add to my arsenal of why we shouldn’t have another.
I am in the process of putting together a huge donation run to our local baby charity. My youngest is 4 years old, and we are not going to have more children (but got a dog this year! 😉 )
As I collect all the stuff for donation, I keep pausing on certain things. We don’t use them….haven’t used them for a year, but I still know this will be the final goodbye. I haven’t quite made the drop off run yet, but I promised myself I would do it this month. Wish me luck!
Best of luck Tara! We will all be here supporting you all the way! Funny enough the toy and clothes purges were not what put me over the edge (I was happy to find those a nice home), it was the stroller. Potentially because it was the first thing I got when I was pregnant with my son, and it had represented so much. Be strong! We will all be here for you when you need it.
I am a Mom of two girls.16 n 12. N guess what……I have still kept the clothes n shoes they wore!!!! Would have loved to have more lids…..but……difficult choice to make….when I see couples with only one child….I think……that child will never know sibling love or rivalry!!!! I have three sisters n I can’t think of my world without them!!!!
I can totally understand! I have three kids (aged 1, 3 and 9), I am so tired and overwhelmed, but sometimes I still wonder about more! 🙂
I SO relate, Maman Aya. I STILL feel as if I was “cheated” out of another daughter simply because we REALLY couldn’t afford an extra mouth to feed when I turned 40 (my “cut-off date”). I was blessed with a son and a daughter (who are now respectively 21 and 18 years old) and I know that LOGICALLY we made the right choice to stop at 2, but the heart isn’t logical! 🙂
Awww my heart aches for you as I read this. Big hugs for you! I still want to have a baby one day but for now that will have to wait until I could heal myself from this uterine fibroid.