It was my eldest asking. She has a way of noticing these things.
Although the question took me by surprise, I had no alternative but to answer it. Truthfully.
Yes dear, yes. Mommy is sad.
“Why are you sad, Mommy?”
Mommy is sad because bad things are happening to good people. Mommy is sad because she will have to say goodbye to somebody very dear to her much too soon. She is sad because she kept hoping for a miracle of sorts, but it never came.
I know it is OK to feel sad, but I try not to show it in front of my children, for fear that the sadness in my heart will to spill over into theirs. And I don’t want that. My first instinct is – and has always been – to protect my children. Protect them from harm, from illness, from heartbreak. To prolong their innocent happiness.
So instead of crying I try to be cheerful, hiding my worries behind a smile. I try not to upset their secure world more than necessary. But they noticed anyway. Apparently my eyes weren’t smiling anymore.
Serious illness and death which sometimes follows in its wake are new to them. When my father was diagnosed with colon cancer two years ago they were too young to really grasp what was happening. Granddad was sick and in the hospital, the doctor could make him better. He was in the hospital for a long time and visiting was no fun, because the hospital smelled weird.
But now, at 4 and 5 years old, my children are at that age when curiosity for EVERYTHING is at its peak. Although they may not fully grasp the situation or understand the permanence of death or the seriousness of illness, they do notice something is off. And they want answers and when they want answers they turn to ‘Mommypedia’.
There is no need to sit them down at the kitchen table and discuss for half an hour. I let them come to me of their own accord. This usually happens when they are colouring or when I’m driving them somewhere. It is impossible for them to NOT be active in any way, so when the body is forced to remain stationary the mind starts to work.
I try to keep things as simple as possible, try using the same words over and over so they won’t be confused. I compare the body to a clock which is broken and no watchmaker can fix. I explain why I’m sad, what will happen. If necessary I explain four or five times in a row.
But I don’t always have the answers. Even though the questions are so simple.
How do you talk to your children about death and grieving?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Tinne of Tantrums & Tomatoes from Belgium. Photo credit to the author.
explaining the brokenness of the world to children is never easy, because oftentimes we do not understand it ourselves 🙁
be gentle with your soul xxxx
Yes, that is what makes it so difficult.
It is Ok to be sad. It is Ok to be sad in front of our children. How else would they learn. We have to allow them attend the school of hard knocks which is life where you learn by experience either yours or someone else’s.
I am so sorry for the difficult time you are currently facing. This is a very difficult topic for some people to handle with children. My mother always tried to protect us from it, so much so that when her father (my own grandfather) died when I was 12, she didn’t tell me. When I did find out, a few days later, it was from someone else – by accident (they had assumed I knew of course). I have taken a very different approach. When my son was 3 or 4 he started asking questions like what is death, are there ghosts, etc (all brought on by the movie Ratatouille). And I answered all of the questions honestly, whereas my mother frowned upon my responses and told me he was too young. When my paternal grandfather died a year and a half ago, I told my son (since we had been to visit him a month prior). He was saddened by the news, but, like you, I used smaller words and simple concepts, explaining how he was very sick and that I am very sad. He understood everything I was saying, and was able to comfort me as no one else could, with his hugs. Children understand a lot more than we give them credit for, and in the end we cannot protect them from the circle of life. I think you did exactly the right thing!
Hi Tinne,
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. We had a lot of close ones die in 2014, including two great-grandmas. I am an emotional being. I feel like I rarely hide my emotions anymore. They are real and be prepared, my daughters, you will wind up with way, too.
My sisters and I used to joke with my mom because she was so empathetic that she used to cry at TV commercials (back in the day it was the AT&T “reach out and touch someone” telephone commercials). Today, I am the same way — the tears flow easily when I am touched. I think I feel more normal because I know my mom was the same way. I don’t know if that helps, but we’re all in this together. Let your feelings out — it may make you feel better and it may help the kids understand better, if not now, maybe later. 😉
Thinking of you!! xxxooo
Thank you so much Jennifer.
Sorry to read about the sad reality you are dealing with. My parents always sheltered me from death and I am convinced that as a result, I am very unequipped to deal with it as an adult. I too let my emotions out, my kids know that I cry, I can be sad, and bad things happen that nobody can make better. We are all different and need to do what we feel comfortable with. You can’t force yourself to talk about something if you don’t feel it’s right and vice and versa. Whatever you do, you know you are doing the best you can under the circumstances you are faced with. I wish you much strength and send you big virtual hugs.
Doing the best I can sums up the situation very well. Thank you for the hugs, I need them.
Sadly my children are experiencing the grieving process first hand after losing their grandmother unexpectedly in August. At 38, I guess I am extremely fortunate that this is the first loss I have experienced with someone whom I was close to and someone who left this earth way too soon. However I don’t feel fortunate. I am deeply saddened and I do not protect my children from my sadness because I want them to know that sadness is an emotion they will need to learn to deal with just like anger, frustration, etc. I want them to always remember what a wonderful person she was and more than once my tears have lead to story telling about her that ended with smiles. I know I will not be this sad forever. Many people with experience have offered me advice – when the emotions come, feel them and it will make the healing process easier. So I am learning to deal with these emotions right along with my daughters. I’m so sorry for what you have to go through. Sending strength to you and your family.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Hugs, lots of hugs.
So sorry about your dad Tinne. I think explaining things as best you can is the best you can do during this difficult time.
I’m sharing this resource on “talking with children and teens” from “When Someone You Love Has Advance Cancer” in case it has any helpful tips: http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/coping/when-someone-you-love-has-advanced-cancer/page7#f3
Thinking of you and sending you virtual hugs!
Thank you for the link, I found it very useful.
I should perhaps have specified that it is not my father but my godfather who is suffering from cancer. My father had cancer two years ago, but – thankfully – recovered.
I cry in front of my children. I don’t like it, but I can’t help but show what I’m feeling.
Yes, I get that. When I cry in front of my girls they try to comfort me. It is the sweetest thing.
Dear all,
Thank you so very much for all the hugs, kisses and wishes.
My godfather passed away peacefully in his sleep last night.
xxx
Tinne