The Wicked Witch of the West
Eight years ago I had my first child, a daughter. Like most new parents, I got all sorts of advice and did a great deal of information gathering; particularly on those uncharted, early stages of infancy and babyhood.
I knew it was possible my child would have colic, GERD, and rashes. I had heard about the “terrible twos” and the “trying threes.” I was fortified for long days and short nights, especially during the early years. And I knew having a child home to entertain and educate for five years would be a whole different challenge from my professional life.
But, I thought I was ready because I knew—at the end of a long, sometimes dark, tunnel—there would be kindergarten, followed by the blissful and innocent days of elementary school to put me back on track. I anticipated that from age 5-11, life would be pretty seamless. Five years of struggle followed by at least six of predictability before the challenges of the teenage years moved in.
So when our daughter entered kindergarten three years ago, my husband and I settled in for the “predictable” parenting years we were expecting.
Sadly—and far too soon—those years are coming to a close…
This past summer, we got glimpses of something we had heard about but weren’t prepared for just yet: moodiness, sassy attitude, changes in speaking style, exploration of identity, greater awareness of appearance and increased self-consciousness.
Now that 3rd-grade is in full-swing, those glimpses are becoming the norm. It’s fairly clear that we are entering a new stage of parenting: we’re entering the TWEENS.
“Tween” is a term we use here in the US to describe the pre-teen stage of life. It’s in-between being a sweet, young kid, who’s dependent on parents and family for every aspect of life, and puberty, when a child morphs into a sassy, experimenting, independent teenager, stomping off toward adulthood.
The Tweens is a stage of life—I think populated almost exclusively by girls—when kids try to propel themselves prematurely into their next growth phase. They test out language they pick up from older kids, through pop-music and from movies and television. They mimic styles they see in the media. They use vernacular such as “like” and “whatever” and “no way!” They gravitate almost exclusively to their own gender groups.
And despite even the best attempts to shield children from pop culture and the negative influences present on TV, they still somehow find their fix at school.
The tweens are a funny, little limbo-land.
Take our daughter for example: She’s still afraid of the dark (in fact, she’s fairly convinced the Wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz is living in her closet); her favorite Disney character is Sofia the First; she loves kittens and rainbows, unicorns and stuffed animals. But recently, she also has discovered Disney’s High School Musical, and when we go to our pediatrician’s office, she pours over the book, It’s Perfectly Normal, (she has a lot of questions about both).
These days, she prone to emotional outbursts, demanding “alone” time and spontaneous moments of being shy. Aren’t these teenager behaviors?
Tonight, while my five-year-old was in a martial arts class, my daughter and I sat in the car having a chat. She said she was sad because she felt frustrated and sort of out of control. I found myself explaining puberty to her and talking about hormones and endorphins and lots of other changes in our bodies that made us feel confused and out of sorts…Uh, did I mention she’s only 8?
According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, the onset of puberty in girls now happens as young as 7! OK, so none of my early parenthood prep or information gathering or family planning ever involved needing to have these conversations so soon. Afterall, my youngest just started kindergarten. By my accounts, I had just come out of the trenches. I’m not battle ready. I don’t have my armor on. This is going to be a massacre!
But this is where we are these days…the in-beTWEENS. Wish us luck.
Have you experienced these sorts of changes in your own child(ren)? If so, at what age? Any advice for getting through to the other side?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from our managing editor and mother of two (one of whom is entering her tweens), Kyla P’an.
The image used in this post is credited to Karen. It holds a Flickr Creative Commons attribution license.
Kyla P'an (Portugal)
Kyla was born in suburban Philadelphia but spent most of her time growing up in New England. She took her first big, solo-trip at age 14, when she traveled to visit a friend on a small Greek island. Since then, travels have included: three months on the European rails, three years studying and working in Japan, and nine months taking the slow route back from Japan to the US when she was done. In addition to her work as Managing Editor of World Moms Network, Kyla is a freelance writer, copy editor, recovering triathlete and occasional blogger. Until recently, she and her husband resided outside of Boston, Massachusetts, where they were raising two spunky kids, two frisky cats, a snail, a fish and a snake. They now live outside of Lisbon, Portugal with two spunky teens and three frisky cats. You can read more about Kyla’s outlook on the world and parenting on her personal blogs, Growing Muses And Muses Where We Go
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My oldest is 8 too. He’s a boy not a girl, but I see signs of the years to come emerging – the moodiness….the blaming Mom when things don’t go as he wants….the needing alone time. While I wasn’t totally prepared to deal with these issues now, at least they are on a small scale and I feel like it is training for us both for the years ahead.
I enjoyed your post so much!
Tara, thanks for confirming that this is not just a girl issue but a “mom” issue! I had breakfast this morning with a friend who’s 11yo boy is showing all the signs of pre-puberty (the moodiness, reclusiveness, attitude). He’s prime Tween material. Good luck to us all :o)
LOVED this post. And YES. My daughter started into her tweens at 8, too, and is firmly in this stage now at 10, with pimples beginning and hormones a raging presence in our everyday lives. It took a colleague, though, to flag it for me as hormones – because like you, I had this idea that 8 was still so young, and puberty felt like it was a long time away. Now, we own “It’s Perfectly Normal” and have conversations I promise you I NEVER had with my own mom. Thank you for your words.
What a wonderfully written post and a great topic for discussion! I do think that the “tween” years often take us parents by surprise. Having one that’s past the tween years (at 17), and pre-tween ones as well, I have one observation to offer. That sassy behavior (contrarian attitude, moodiness, emotional outbursts, etc.) that kids “try on” in the tween and adolescent years are very valuable to practice in the safe confines of home. Their “voice” is very important when they are older and you want them to stick up for themselves, resist peer pressure & “run their own race.” When my children were younger, compliance seemed wonderful. However, for girls, unfortunately, I believe that compliance is over-emphasized by our culture. As a teenager, there is nothing more wonderful as a young woman who knows herself, takes care of herself, and has her own voice. Thanks for a wonderful post – so great for parents to learn from each other on this!
There’s a saying here in Greece; the first 100 years are the worst…
My 2 boys aged 13 and 14 are exhibiting such behaviour now but the only real advice I can give is be patient , keep a dialogue going and extra levels of alcohol certainly help!
🙂
Yeap! I recognize all that! I think the tweens were invented so parents could get slowly used to the idea of teenagers!!! One day, we will look back on these years and think of them as fond memories.
No one told me about that pre-teen stage, and I remember being caught by surprise when my son hit that phase.
Right now I have a teenager an a ‘pre-teenager’. (And a strong willed 5 year old.) Good times.
My advice? Be very clear about the rules and always follow up. Be clear about what is tolerated and what isn’t. If they choose the behavior they choose the consequence, it’s as simple as that.
And as weird as it sounds, try to relax. Kids will test the waters, but when you follow up as a parent they will get the message. (eventually.)
I don’t know how many times I have said: ‘Hand over your phone’ for the same behavior. A few days ago my son handed over his phone saying: ‘yes I know, I am not supposed to speak to you in that tone of voice.’ (I win!)
Kyla, my oldest is in 3rd grade too and she too loves kittens and rainbows, unicorns and stuffed animals…but is also getting into the Dork Diaries series. I recently heard a news cast about “the new puberty” starting as early as 7 or 8 and I FREAKED OUT. I am in information gathering mode and bracing myself. We might have to compare notes 🙂