My parents were born and raised in Surinam. They moved to the Netherlands in the 70’s and raised their children there. Though not completely oblivious to Dutch culture, the way my parents raised me was greatly influenced by the motherland. That includes the way chores were done.
In Surinam, and I’m guessing in many non-Western (“Second World”) cultures, chores are simply a part of life. They are part of a daily routine in which all family members share the responsibility of running a household. As a kid, you go to school, do your chores and play in the time that is left. Dinners are prepared together, cleaning is a joint effort and in some cases, children even help parents with their jobs. Except for that last part, this is basically the way I was raised.
My Dutch husband has been raised completely differently. Chores were the responsibility of his parents. They took care of everything and as he got older, chores were gradually given to him as a way to teach him responsibility. I must add that not all Dutch kids are raised exactly the same and that there are many varieties, but the difference between Dutch and Surinam upbringing is apparent.
One of the thoughts behind Dutch upbringing: “Let children be children, let them play. Let them enjoy childhood without too many responsibilities. The time for responsibilities will come soon enough.”
Personally this thought appeals to me yet also conflicts me. I fear that my children will become entitled, spoiled and unable to deal with responsibilities if I simply let them play.
One of the thoughts behind Surinam upbringing: “Chores are normal and necessary and help kids to become responsible independent adults. Every member of the family has to do their share, family comes before individual needs.”
Having to raise children now myself, I need to find a balance between these very different approaches. And it is not easy to find a middle ground. My husband tends to have a “Here, let me do it for you” attitude. And I have a more “I am not your maid, I will teach you to do it yourself” attitude.
I have a sense of contentment and pride when I teach my kids to do their chores independently and without complaint. But I also understand how nice it is for a child to be shielded from too much responsibility and to simply be taken care of. I want to let my kids enjoy their free time in between school, homework and sports, but I also want them to help around the house and feel like they share some of the responsibility of our household.
And so I go back and forth. Some of my Dutch friends drop their jaws or raise their eyebrows when they learn that my kids clean, vacuum, mop their rooms and scrub the toilets every weekend. And my mother will feed my guilt by asking me why I don’t let the kids help around the house more.
My background does have one distinctive benefit. When my children moan about having to do chores, I tell them about my childhood and they stop complaining immediately.
What are your thoughts about chores? Does the way you raise your kids look more like the Dutch way or the Surinam way?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Mirjam of The Netherlands. Photo credit to the author.
Mirjam
Mirjam was born in warm, sunny Surinam, but raised in the cold, rainy Netherlands. She´s the mom of three rambunctious beauties and has been married for over two decades to the love of her life. Every day she´s challenged by combining the best and worst of two cultures at home. She used to be an elementary school teacher but is now a stay at home Mom. In her free time she loves to pick up her photo camera. Mirjam has had a life long battle with depression and is not afraid to talk about it. She enjoys being a blogger, an amateur photographer, and loves being creative in many ways. But most of all she loves live and laughter, even though sometimes she is the joke herself. You can find Mirjam (sporadically) at her blog Apples and Roses where she blogs about her battle with depression and finding beauty in the simplest of things. You can also find Mirjam on Twitter and Instagram.
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This was so interesting, Mirjam!
I grew up scrubbing the toilets, too! At a young age, I was dusting my own room and setting the table. I definitely have not created these tasks for my kids yet. I really want them to take responsibility for their own rooms to start. I needed this!
Jen 🙂
I remember going to camp at age 12 and I was the only one who knew how to clean a toilet, and I had no problem doing so when we had to do chores.
I think one of my class mates cried because she had to scrub the toilet..
I’m struggling with the same thing. Polish children used to do more chores, but in my family we didn’t do as much.. I am teaching my kids to clean after themselves (mostly because I hate cleaning and the less I have to do myself the better). I think it’s important to teach the kids chores (I didn’t know how to do laundry or wash the dishes until I was 22!), so it’s better to teach them earlier.
I think having to do chores from an early age has helped me not to hate chores but to see them as a necessary part of life. Except for ironing. I absolutely hate ironing!
I love this Mirjam! In my upbringing I never did ANYTHING. No joke – I never even made my bed, even after college, when I returned back home. I am raising my children very differently. They are responsible for little things around the house, like making their beds and putting away toys. As they grow older more responsibilities are added to the list. My son is now 8 and he nakes the salad for dinner every night and has started to help wash the dishes, my 4 year old helps set the table. They both enjoy helping to cook dinner. It is very important for me that they learn to do things for themselves, so that they will be respinsible, independent adults. As for the toilets and mopping – now that we moved into a larger hone, we cannot keep up with the full cleaning of the house and everything else – so I have had to hire some help with that. But up until this summer when we moved, you can bet that the kids took part in every aspect of cleaning that we did. We made it fun, and something that we all did together! 🙂
Ooh, I had a cleaning lady for a while there, it was heaven. But I do noticed that my kids started saying things like: “Can’t the cleaning lady do this?” Real story, I promise.
Thanks for the reminder to make things fun, I tend to forget that!
It’s very interesting Mirjam to see the differences in kids upbringing between your two different countries / cultures.
For my parents it was important that my sister and I helped at home. We did not do much but we were cleaning our bedrooms and setting the table. I think it’s important for kids to learn values such as helping and caring for one another.
It’s not because they are helping at home that they don’t have time to play and be children. We just need, as parents, to find the right balance.
Yes! Exactly what you said. We as parents have to find a right balance.
When I look at my kids I see that my oldest kids are starting to become responsible and helpful and the youngest is always way to tired to do something as tiresome as clean up her ome room. I guess I still have some work ahead of me.