I didn’t have a bad marriage.
I wasn’t beaten or mistreated.
My ex never had an affair.
Money stressors were manageable.
We rarely argued.
To the outside world we seemed absolutely fine. But we weren’t.
It was, for me, an intensely sad marriage. And for a long time I couldn’t work out why. Here was a perfectly pleasant man who wished me well and who responded to my affection. He worked hard and was what most of us would call a “good guy”. He still is. But my self-esteem was dropping and my mood was becoming a habitual mix of frustration and melancholy.
It was one of those slow drifts downwards, like water eroding rock.
Then, around 10 years ago, he was diagnosed with something call Alexithymia. It’s not a mental disorder but more of a fixed personality trait. It’s common in those formally on the autism spectrum, in those with Post Traumatic Stress Disorders and in some of us with attachment issues from our early childhood.
Basically, anyone with Alexithymia cannot identify the bodily sensations that go along with their emotions. They still have the same sensations but are unable to distinguish between them and label them. They also have a very limited imaginative life, which sounds fine, until you realise predicting outcomes and taking steps to avoid the less desirable ones, are in fact, a product of our imagination.
These two issues give rise to a deep lack of empathy and ability to relate to another human being. Sympathy –the intellectual understanding of the experience of another–can happen but the actual feeling of an emotion, as another has it, in the sense of true empathy, cannot.
For me, this meant I would have to be sobbing in front of my ex before he understood I was sad, and then have to tell him to give me a hug, as the appropriate response. He did not mean to be uncaring. He just never understood subtle body language or had the instinctive responses that most of us have.
There are always three choices in a situation: To alter it; to put up with it; or to leave.
For many years I did my best to see if things could change. I offered to go back to work, so he could get therapy. I suggested counselling, on more than one occasion. None of these offers were ever taken up.
The more I read about Alexithymia, the more I realised… I would never be taken up on any of these. People with Alexithymia see the rest of us as over-emotional and confusing. They cannot see why they would leave their completely logical realms. Their idea of a perfect partner is a kind body in the house with whom there is as little emotional deviation and routines are maintained – this was exactly what our marriage was.
As time went by, I became increasingly distant and detached. At times, I became unpleasant and down right bitchy. Then, around three years ago, someone asked me what made me happy. And I couldn’t tell them. From being someone who was a perpetual optimist, I was by then emotionally dead – aside from experiencing frustration and melancholy. It was a massive wake up call and I knew something had to change.
It did take three years for me to be ready. There is a comfort in familiarity that is enticing. But in the end, my physical body was beginning to suffer, my older boys were finding the emotional disconnect from their father tough going and the other side of the leap to leave seemed less stressful than staying.
I am sure I was by no means the perfect partner either. But I share this here because these are immensely lonely and soul-destroying relationships to be in – and many who are in them either think they are going crazy or that they are the only ones ever to have this experience or some combination of both. But neither are true.
You’re not crazy. You’re not alone. The shell of the outside relationship that the world sees is not the whole story.
I understand.
Have you ever known someone with Alexithymia? Tell us your tale.
This is an original post to World Moms Blog from our long-time contributor and mother to three in New Zealand, Karyn Sparkles Willis.
The image used in this post is attributed to Nathan Jones. It carries a Flickr Creative Commons attribution license.
You, my fearless friend are filled with joy and laughter, you are so giving to others with your words, your comments, your virtual touch … and have the most beautiful soul …
Joining you on this journey of discovery is a gift as you navigate fresh waters and build a new foundation and my life is richer with you in it, even tho you are clear across the globe.
Huge hugs to you on this amazing path of light .. and love, much love xxx
Many thanks, Nicole.
I really enjoy our friendship too…
Now to invent that teleporter… xx
Karyn,
You are so brave to share your story. There is a lot to be learned here, and I hope, too, by your sharing that it will help another person make sense of what is happening in their marriage, too. This must have been so hard to keep under wraps.
I support you, and I’m a huge fan. xxxooo
Jen 🙂
It was so easily misunderstood, Jen…. Even many of the people close to us, still don’t get it…
Thanks for your support, it is appreciated and means a lot to me. xx
This so so brave of you to write this, Karyn, and so inspirational for those in similar situations. I have never actually heard of this disease, but can imagine how difficult this must have been for you and the boys. You deserve a life full of love, happiness and emotions – lots and lots of emotions! Sending big hugs and glasses of wine your way! xx
Thanks. It’s wonderful to know how much support I have. I appreciate this community so very much. 🙂
I can relate to so much of this. My ex has traits of Aspergers as well as narcissism and his flat affect and lack of empathy and his idea of perfection would be that every day is the same as the day before and some kind person there to do his laundry and fix his meals and raise his kids while he pursues more educational degrees and teaches classes and does computer contract work on the side in addition to his full time job.. Just don’t expect any emotional interaction because I gave it all at the office or school or whatever. Can relate to the dying inside, self withering, hopelessness even though from the outside you couldn’t really see a reason for unhappiness. It’s still hard for people to get. But I know you do and I’m glad you wrote this.
Thanks, Jenna. It’s comforting to know others have been in similar relationships and understand how soul-destroying they are. I appreciate your comment, very much.
It takes so much courage to face the reality, and even more to take action. You are an amazing woman, such an inspiration to pursue happiness and be who you are. I hope that you feel complete again, very, very soon. Lots of virtual hugs to you.
I feel like me again, Nadege… and that is a wonderful thing. 🙂
I appreciate those virtual hugs ! Lovely to have them, anytime.
Thank you for writing this Karyn. I believe sharing our stories could help other understand things better and deal with the issues they are facing. It must have been tough for you to face such a difficult situation. But sometime leaving is the best thing we can do, for ourselves and our loved ones.
Take care
Many thanks, Marie. I believe leaving was the only healthy choice I had.
Dearest Karyn, thank you so much for sharing this!
I am in awe of what a marvellous person you are! I share the thoughts of the others – we are totally enriched by having you as part of our lives!
Let me know as soon as you have that teleporter up and running … I’ll happily take the leap to visit you! 🙂 xoxo
And I would be teleporting right back to you !!
Thank you for your lovely comment, and of course, your wonderful friendship. xx
Gosh I’ve never heard of this and I think I know someone with it, I’m off to read up. Thank you for sharing and I pray you find happiness again. Mich x
I have found happiness ! Thanks, so much…. 😀
Beautifully written. I am so proud of you for seeking happiness. Life is too precious for you not to try and find what makes you happy. You are not selfish in your endeavor. Making the choice to treat yourself with compassion and kindness was and always is the right decision. Your boys will benefit from a multitude of ways by showing them it ia ok to change course in your life. They will be brave in the future because you were brave for yourself!
Thanks, Courtney…. I believe that too and it gives me great comfort.
Appreciate your kind words. 🙂
“The shell of the outside relationship that the world sees is not the whole story.” This is so very true. I think the more we tell our stories, as you have, the more people will understand they are not alone. You absolutely deserve to be happy!
Thanks, Jennifer ! I love hearing people’s stories, you’re right, it’s important that we share with one another.