Since my baby boy was born, I’ve been living with my parents (or it’s the other way around – they are living with me). We all live together in a two-room flat. I share the bedroom with my boy, and my parents sleep on the bed couch in the living room. I know that in some parts of the world, it’s normal. It’s not that usual in my part of the world. Family don’t live together for too long. Parents don’t come back to live with their children when they are getting old. But more and more often, children come back to live with their parents, after leaving home to study. They even come back with their kids or spouse. This is due to unemployment, real estate prices, life getting more and more expensive.
I was not ready for this. I was not ready to sign for it. But I was not alone. I had a little one to take care of. And I was on my own, separated from the father of my son. I had an entire life to rebuild. I needed help. I could have asked other people for this help. But they’re my parents and at the time I came back home, they were the only ones who could offer me the support I needed. My parents don’t care much about travelling or enjoying time together. They are family people, and they were delighted to be there to help me raise my little man.
So we started a new life together, sharing each moment, each joy and nearly each moment of pain, doubt, worry.
When it was becoming difficult for me to handle everything, I only had to look at my son’s face and see how delighted he was to have loving people around him. I only had to look at my mum and dad and see how much they enjoyed being with their grandson.
Day after day, it helped me to accept my situation.
Kids need love and support, and the knowledge that no matter what, we’ll be there for them. Kids need encouragement and the knowledge that we have faith in them. My son does not get this from his dad, because he does only sees him twice a month, for two hours at a time, under supervision. Without his dad being around, I am happy that he still gets a role model in his granddad. He is growing up in a secure environment, a much more secure one than the one he would have known if me and his dad had stayed together.
Whenever I feel like I want another life, whenever I feel squeezed and under pressure, I remember what the paediatrician told me:
“You are giving the best to your child. I can understand it’s hard for you. But for him, it’s all good. Under three years old, he needs this closeness. He feels secure this way.”
So what’s good for him make it bearable for me. Even if some days I wish for both of us to be on our own, so I don’t have to make efforts and compromise every single day (this is another story).
Do you feel like you could live with your parents again? Or is it natural in your country for all family to live together? If so, do you have your place as the mother of your kids or do you fight to find it?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Marie Kleber of France. Photo credit to the author.
Marie’, I was told I would not be able to conceive “naturally” so, when I “miraculously” conceived my first child, my husband and I couldn’t afford our own place. My grandparents stepped in – we lived with them for 6 months and they would go back to their home in Italy for 6 months (but they helped with the rent the whole year). The first 2 years of my son’s life were very difficult – especially because both he and I had some health issues. As grateful as I am to my grandparents for everything, it *was* very difficult for me to assert my decisions regarding my son in any way, and I feel that might have contributed to my post-partum depression (that I didn’t have 2nd time around).
I was blessed that when my second “miracle” child was born, my husband and I were living on our own, and (now that my children are respectively 22 and 19 years old) I can’t help feeling that my daughter and I have a stronger bond because we didn’t have any “well-meaning” interference when she was small. That said, my daughter recently confessed that she felt a bit jealous of the bond that my grandparents have with her brother that they don’t have with her. Bottom line is, no matter what you do, there will be positives and negatives attached to it.
My 71 year-old mom divorced my step-dad this week – and has moved in with me. She also has health issues (as do I – just different ones). I thought it would be a temporary thing, until she sold the house she shared with step-dad, but she told us she doesn’t want to live on her own. We had some major “issues” in the past, but she’s still my mom, so I don’t see that I have a choice. To be honest (so far) things have been going well. She cooks dinner most nights, which is great, and we both retreat to our own bedrooms when things get a bit tense.
Since my son moved to Germany to study at Goethe University in Frankfurt (we live in South Africa) and my daughter is studying at the Stellenbosch Academy of Design (so she’s only home on weekends and holidays) hubby and I thought we’d have an “empty nest” – and we actually enjoyed being a couple on our own for a month or so, until mom moved in! That said, deep down, all of us have a need for family connection – maybe it’s not a bad thing when circumstances push us closer together. I keep reminding myself that none of us live forever, so we should make the most of the time we have with the older generation.
Hi Simona, Thank you so much for sharing your story. We need to make the most of what we have at any given moment. Even if it’s note easy. Nothing last. And older generation can add value to our life as well.
Take care
Simona, wow. I am sorry to hear about your mom’s divorce/separation. That must be difficult for her, and your family as well.
Life has a way of making us come full circle doesn’t it?
As I said in my reply to Marie, we will be having some changes soon, and all U can do is brace myself, and think positively.
Hang in there!
—-Marie,
I am happy you have the support of your parents. Some people have NOBODY. It may not be the norm, but it’s what is needed now for you to get back on your feet.
You have come SO far & I believe wholeheartedly that GOD is already utilizing you for a GREATER purpose.
Other women will read this and say, “I’m Not Alone!”
This is beautiful.
And so are you. xx love from MN.
It’s quite tough for single parents to be on their own and even more without family or friends close by to help them deal with everything. You’re so right Kim.
You manage till you can’t. There’s a lot to do to help men and women in these situations. I know one day I’ll come up with an idea to do something, be there, try to make a difference, be supportive, give a chance to others, the chance I got to have a family, the chance so many don’t have.
THANK YOU so much for being there, for reminding me what’s important in this Life.
Much love Kim.
Hi Marie, this is a beautiful example of making things work. As a mother, you’re making sacrifices but it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job and he’s happy. It’s not traditional to live with parents, here in Canada. Although many of the immigrants and new Canadians choose to do so. I didn’t have any family near me when I raised my children and some days I wished so badly that I could just call up Grandma and ask for help. So, in many ways you are blessed but I understand you must face other challenges with closeness. Great article, Marie!
Every day I remember how blessed I am not to be on my own. I was so weak when I left. I would not have been able to care for a child alone. I am bewildered Lisa by women managing everything on their own and I pray that somehow they find help, a circle of people ready to give them a hand, a circle of friends ready to let them have an hour free to breath and rest.
On another side somedays are harder than others. My mum is a very demanding person and my dad thinks he knows it all. When you have your own issues to manage, it’s hard to see your parents so close, struggling with their own issues.
Setting boundaries is tough some days, as well as having no private life, no time on my own.
Thank you so much for being there and for your support Lisa. It means a lot.
“So what’s good for him make it bearable for me…”
Yes, I imagine it starts with your beautiful boy and goes from their. After/when a child is born, we are no longer the center of our little worlds. They comes first. It’s not pretty, or convenient.
Thanks so much Marie for sharing this. We will be blending very soon with hubby’s parents and it is a bit scary for me…we will see what the future holds.
That’s it Salma!
Isn’t it right for all of us. Our kids come first at some stage.
Thinking of you. It’ll take time for all of you to adjust I imagine. It’s human to be scared.
The kids will enjoy it for sure. Won’t be that easy for you. Give it time dear and stay focus on what’s important for you.
goes from *there
🙂
Oh Marie! You are such a strong and loving woman! There is a profound message here, that family cares for one another. I love how you have overcome hardships by leaning on your parents, and I especially love your intention to do the very best for your boy!
What a beautiful life of purpose you lead, my friend. <3
Thank you so much Chris for your sweet words. Family is key. With family around we are never alone.
Being surrounded by caring people saved my life. I am grateful for what I have. Every day at a time…