Last week, my six year-old threw a very loud, very intense and very public tantrum. He threw it because I said, No, to a treat that I wasn’t prepared to buy for him. And yes, I did explain why I said, No.
My saying, No, is not a new experience for him. He is familiar with the word and knows what it means. He is intelligent and articulate and understood my reasons for saying, No. I wasn’t too bothered by his outburst. I knew he would get through it and we would be on good terms again by the time we reached home. What was fascinating, to me, was other people’s reactions.
I really, really wish more people understood than these willful tantrums, what I’ve always called Processing Tantrums operate the same as the mourning process. It’s a process to be supported through, not stopped in some way to make me or others feel better.
My son, while in public, was initially in the Denial and then Anger and Bargaining stages. Like the mourning process, he oscillated between them but, because I held the, No, position but was emotionally as supportive as he would allow – mostly through calm words as he wouldn’t let me touch him – by the time we were five minutes away from the store, he hit the Sad stage and a minute later was in Acceptance.
But of course, the people in the store never saw those bits. They just saw the screaming and defiant child and drew their own conclusions. Most kept their opinions to themselves. Some were verbally supportive toward me or used body-language to show they understood. One woman meant very well but managed to irritate me more than the six year-old tantrum.
She told me not to be embarrassed. And seemed quite shocked when I said I wasn’t in the slightest bit embarrassed. Not one ounce of embarrassment was felt by me.
My children are not me. I am not my children and I am certainly not my children’s behaviors. My children are well nurtured, well fed, get loads of sleep, explore and take risks often, have great rituals and firm boundaries. I do my job of parenting them to the best of my ability and they’re turning out just fine.
Their job is to use me as their home base. Their job is to seek comfort from me when they choose to do so. Their job is to move away from me as they desire, at their own pace, in varying amounts as they are so driven. Their job is to learn that things don’t always go their way but they can survive that process and be, not only okay but also have a better understanding of their world and how to reasonably accommodate others, when it’s all over. Their job is to complete the mourning process when they hear that word, No.
I hate to think what would happen if my boys did not learn to properly process, now as children, with my support and understanding. Would they end up being abusive partners because they couldn’t respect the personal boundaries of others? Would they think they were above the law? Would they end up depressed because they got low grades, for what is a low grade but A. Would they stop taking chances and blame everything and everyone else in the world for their inadequacies? I suspect they would. I know plenty of adults who have these characteristics in their personalities.
So, if you see my boys throwing tantrums be assured I am comfortable with the short-term stress of supporting them through those times. They are processing.
I believe it’s worth the short-term pain for the long-term gain of raising kids with character. Their anti-social moments are not their permanent states.
And, really, truly, any tantrums they throw do not embarrass me. I am not my children’s behavior. I am their mother and their lighthouse.
Have you ever had a child tantrum in public? How was that for you? How did other people react?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Karyn Wills of Napier, New Zealand.
Photo Credit to Mindaugas Danys
Thank you for this very insightful post, Karyn.
Absolutely spot on! 🙂
I didn’t know anything about “processing tantrums” when my son was small. All I knew was that “giving in” wasn’t an option. I guess I was lucky, my son only threw a tantrum once in a store – same reason as yours, he wanted something we weren’t willing to buy him. He literally threw himself on the ground pounding hands and feet and howling. My husband and I kept walking (slowly and keeping a discreet eye on him) down the aisle. The second he realised he didn’t have an audience, he got up, wiped his tears and trotted up to us. That was that…. in hindsight though, I realise that his behaviour as a teen was really volatile, and I now wonder if (dealing with his tantrum more appropriately, instead of just walking away from him) would have helped me deal with him better when he was older.
My daughter never had a tantrum, so I had no chance to try and do things differently with her.
That said, my son is now 22 years old and my daughter is 19. We have an awesome, open and honest relationship. Both of them have turned out to be highly gifted in different fields, and they are both in long-term committed relationships.
Like a said, maybe I just got lucky! 🙂
Great post! My focus is usually validating feelings and then working with strategies on what to do with those feelings as is appropriate given their age. With tantrums, I have always held firm with whatever decision I made, let them know I hear them and understand their feelings, and then ask them when/if they are ready to calm down and offer help doing so. There’s no off switch. It’s truly up to them when they are ready. But once they are, we can talk about it and move on. As my kids have gotten older, my expectations on how they manage those strong feelings shift, but I always tell them that feeling they way they do and expressing it is welcome and necessary. They just have to learn a respectful way to do so.
As for other people’s advice, I think people mean well, but they often project their own feelings onto the situation. I find a simple “can I help?” is suffice to acknowledge your support but not step on toes. 🙂
Wauw, this really is insightful! Thank you so much! I will use the analogy with the mourning process the next time my daughter is having a hard time. She is already six, but deals with a kind of tantrum when we are at the eye-doctor. It always appeared to me it was her way of dealing with losing her sight, and it makes perfect sense it is a mourning process. Thanks!
My autism boy used to have public meltdowns fairly frequently, and I saw a wide range of reactions from people. Some were sympathetic, but there were many who couldn’t understand that there is a HUGE difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. Several people said, either directly to me or under their breath thinking I couldn’t hear, “That child needs a good hiding.” My response was always the same: “You cannot beat autism out of a child.”
It is funny — when I read the stages you listed, I thought, “Oh, yeah!” I’ve seen those before!
Keeping calm and letting them go through the motions is a wise rule of thumb. I’ve been taking your advice on that for a long time. It had to be a learned behavior for me!
Thank you for sharing this Karyn. I love getting in your head!!
Jen 🙂
I love this. I am a childminder. I’m used to different children reacting for many reasons. I will keep this in mind the next time a child reacts.
Karyn, this was really insightful! My kid is just turning 2&1/2 and she’s starting to express her feelings.
As a child, I was not allowed to show my anger or displeasure to my parents and we never talked about feelings. On hindsight, that probably led to many other issues like hiding things from my parents and worrying about their disappointment.
I haven’t consciously thought about this till I read your post, but it makes so much sense. Like you said, the ability to process their feelings is something that’s very important. I hope I’ll be able to help my daughter understand that it’s ok to be sad and upset, it’s ok when things go wrong, and I’m here to help her through it.
Awesome post, Karyn! I love how yoh relate a tantrum to the mournihg process.:) I had never thought of it that way before.:)
“I Am Not My Child’s Behavior” I shall always remember that when my daughter misbehaves in public and I get the dirty look from strangers. I used to be terribly affected by what others think of my parenting when my daughter was in her terrible twos and threes stage and when I get nasty looks and hearing them go ‘tsk tsk”. And in those moments of insecurities, I even punished my daughter for her behaviour when I should have known better. Thankfully, I don’t have to deal with meltdowns and tantrums now that she’s older.
What a great post Karyn! I agree 100%! And as I had more children I began to realize tantrums were actually good! I believe (although I am still to go through this phase with my kids) that children who get to process their feelings through tantrums, as you said, might actually have an easier time getting through adolescence and, later on, an easier time dealing with their feelings as an adult.