In less than a week, I am going to travel to South Africa to see assorted friends and family members. I will escape the dreary November weather and get an extra month of summer in one of the most beautiful countries in the world. I will spend lazy days with my mom and my brother, hang out with the woman who has been my best friend since we were ten, and meet someone who, until now, has been my friend in the online world only.
It will be fantastic. I haven’t seen the folks “back home” for almost four years, and as small as the world has become thanks to the wonders of technology, there’s just nothing quite like being in the same room as a parent, a sibling, a friend. In any case, I am desperate for the break. Events of the summer have well and truly hammered me, and I am exhausted. I have worked myself into a state of near-collapse, and I am looking forward to just stopping.
There’s just one thing. I am not taking my husband or kids with me. I recognize that this month away will be good not only for me, but for the kids from a life-learning perspective. But the thought that I will kiss my family goodbye and then turn and walk away from them makes my heart twist.
I haven’t even started packing yet, and already I am tearing up as I think of them going to bed on the night of my departure without their goodnight kiss from Mommy.
The thing is, I am not used to going anywhere without my husband and kids. Although I have been to South Africa by myself twice since the kids were born, both trips were prompted by deaths in the family. This is the first time I am going away by myself for an extended period, for the sole purpose of having fun. No one has died. I do not have to attend a funeral or pick up ashes from a crematorium. I don’t have to visit a lawyer to hear a will read, or deal with the bizarre amount of admin generated by the death of a family member.
Like most moms, I have succeeded in turning the concept of guilt into an art form. I feel guilty when I sneak out of the house for a quick solo trip to the convenience store, never mind getting onto a plane to travel to the other side of the world. But for the sake of my own sanity, I have had to put a lid on the guilt – otherwise I wouldn’t even get as far as the boarding gate.
I have to constantly remind myself that the boys will be OK – and I know they will be. I have been preparing them for my departure without making too big a deal of it. I have promised them that I will bring them a really cool gift from Africa. I am making a countdown calendar for my autism boy. Teachers at both of their schools have promised to look out for them and make extra allowances for them. We have started planning fun activities to do together after I get back.
It is not lost on me that I am fortunate to have such a supportive husband. I don’t feel that I need his permission for this trip, but I do know that many moms wanting to undertake a similar venture would face resistance, or even downright refusal.
My husband wants me to go, and he wants me to have a good time. I suspect that he and the kids are looking forward to spending some “boy time” together.
There will be a tricky moment at the airport when I will have to fight the urge to cry in public. After my husband and children have said their goodbyes and left, I will have to duck into a stall in the washroom to let some tears flow. And then I will board the plane and fly to South Africa to spend time in the land of my birth, with loved ones I haven’t seen for a long time.
When I come back to my adopted country, the Canada I am so proud to be a citizen of, I will be refreshed and rested, ready to take on real life, and excited to be in the warm embrace of my husband and sons.
Would your family be supportive of you taking a long trip without them? What strategies have you used to help your kids, both before and during your travel?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by Kirsten Doyle of Canada. Photo credit to the author.
Kirsten Doyle (Canada)
Kirsten Doyle was born in South Africa. After completing university, she drifted for a while and finally washed up in Canada in 2000. She is Mom to two boys who have reached the stage of eating everything in sight (but still remaining skinny). Kirsten was a computer programmer for a while before migrating into I.T. project management. Eventually she tossed in the corporate life entirely in order to be a self-employed writer and editor. She is now living her best life writing about mental health and addictions, and posting videos to two YouTube channels. When Kirsten is not wrestling with her kids or writing up a storm, she can be seen on Toronto's streets putting many miles onto her running shoes. Every year, she runs a half-marathon to benefit children with autism, inspired by her older son who lives life on the autism spectrum. Final piece of information: Kirsten is lucky enough to be married to the funniest guy in the world. Connect with her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Be sure to check out her YouTube channels at My Gen X Life and Word Salad With Coffee!
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Travelling away from your family is so hard. I do it so often, that we have got a little routine going. I make sure to call and talk to the kids when after school so that they can tell me about their day (this helps them a lot). If it is an especially long trip and the kids are esp sad, I promise to bring them something back, and that helps them accept my leaving, again…. I haven’t left them for long for my own fun, however. The longest that my husband and I left was for 4nights. And the kids never knew (they were at my parents house the entire time :-)). I know your boys will be OK. You will need to breath through the initial pangs in your heart and then you will be OK. Enjoy your time and have a safe trip Kirsten!
Ohh wow Kirsten, I can’t imagine a month away from my family alone but that is not to say I would not want to. All my family live in the same country so there is no real need to. I wish you a fabulous trip. Mich x
I’ve gone on short trips without my family but can’t imagine going for a long one on my own. That would really be a pushing myself out of my comfort zone.
Just think what a glorious reunion you’ll have when you get back as well as all the fun stories you will share with your 3 men!!!
Enjoy your trip Kirsten!
I know exactly how you feel, Kirsten!
I went to Italy roughly 10 years ago without my immediate family (I went with my aunt who also lives in Cape Town) because it had been decades since I’d last seen the land of my birth, and visited with most of my relatives. It was hard to leave my husband and kids behind, but it was even harder when the 3 of them went to Spain without me (I couldn’t get leave, besides, someone had to look after the pets).
That said, I’m super excited to meet you in person! You’ll actually be back home before you know it, because time does NOT slow down when you’re having fun! 🙂
I can imagine how difficult it will be for you to say goodbye to your husband and kids… Then again, think of how much fun the flight will be all by yourself! You can watch movies, read, eat your meal in relative peace… It will be like a spa vacation! 🙂
I could have written this post myself! In December I am going to go to India for the first time. It has been a life long dream of mine. I am going with a group of friends who don’t have kids. Also during this trip we will have a 5 and 7 hour bus ride. So logically its not the kind of trip you would take your kids on. I am going for 12 days and it’s just for fun. I don’t HAVE to go but I do want to go and I am feeling insanely guilty about this. The idea of a calendar crossed my mind as well and giving fair warning to my two youngest kids teachers (the older ones I think will be fine).
having said that, when I read your post I felt you should go and enjoy. A month is a long time but it’s a well earned vacation. Go and have a great time!
I am so excited for you Kirsten. While I can totally relate to the guilt and worry of leaving the kids at home, I hope that you will enjoy yourself and have a wonderful time with family and friends. Safe travels!