I was happily preparing dinner the other day and I could hear my three children chattering away in the hall. Pretty soon the talking turned to bleeting, yes bleeting… and baaing, like a sheep. I could hear my 12-year-old son, JJ, say, “everyone is doing it at school.”
With my parenting radar on alert I popped my head out of the kitchen to ask what they were talking about and JJ explained to me that there is a teacher at school who looks like a sheep and all the students baa at her.
I was pretty horrified at this and I asked what ‘Miss’ (as they call their female teachers) said about their behaviour. JJ told me it was all done behind her back but she was a ‘good laugh’ and he couldn’t imagine she would mind. This of course was one of those moments that led to me abandoning dinner and sitting all three children down for a chat.
If I can help it, I don’t want any child of mine becoming a bully.
You might think I over reacted and that all children get involved in silly things, harmless teasing some might say. Character forming I’ve heard it called before and we’ve all heard the old rhyme ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me’ but it is not true, names really can harm a person, especially a vulnerable one.
I know this first hand, I was called many names as a young child, most of them revolving around my weight and being just a little (and it really only was a little back then) bigger than the average girl but the main reason I know about the hurt and pain that continues for many years long after the name calling stops is because I was a name caller and I really hurt someone else.
I still feel the shame when I write that, I don’t think the regret for the damage I did to a little boy called Simon (name changed for obvious reasons) will ever leave me. I first wrote about having been a bully as a child back in 2010 and it was so important to face up to the past and really acknowledge what I did. I had no idea at the time that what I was doing could be so destructive, as far as I was concerned I was just a little girl desperate to fit in with the gang and going along with everyone else.
But when your whole class cross their arms and mutter ‘fleas, injected for all my life’ each time you come near them, it is a big deal. I don’t recall Simon ever letting on at school just how much this hurt him but I do think he spent a lot of time on his own. The sad thing is that I don’t really remember that much about the whole situation to be honest, as it was inconsequential to me but of course not to him, not when it was damaging his self-esteem each and every day.
That damage went on for a very long time too. I know this as when I was 28 (quite some years ago now) I was contacted by Simon through Friends Reunited and then Facebook. He asked me about our time at school (primary school, ages 7-10) and why certain things had happened and did I remember…. I had to honestly say ‘No. No, I do not remember most of it’. I think it was therapeutic for Simon to be in touch with a few of his bullies and to be able to finally get a heartfelt sorry from us.
I praise the Lord that he told me he had found a good partner and was at last finding some peace and happiness after years of counselling. He talked about his early upbringing with a stern father in the military and a mother who was never mentally present. Moving areas and schools every two or three years of his life had been tough and a bunch of middle-class kids made it worse and made him doubt himself.
As I quite seriously told my own children this story a couple of weeks ago I had a lump in my throat and I had to fight to stop the tears forming. They were pretty shocked and I really hope they understood what I was saying about how something that seems harmless and just a case of simple teasing can turn out to be life-damaging for some children or even adults.
From the 16th – 20th November, it is anti-bullying week here in the UK but I’d encourage you, wherever you live, to please have a chat with your children about bullying and help them to understand that the line between harmless fun and detrimental behaviour is very fine. Best to just never get close to it and to adopt a positive attitude towards all people, whether they are easy to be around or not.
Have you ever been involved with bullying, either on the receiving or doling out side? What impact has it had on you?
An incredibly moving post Michelle and such an important one too. I was also a mouthy kid trying to stay ‘in’ with the in crowd and I upset a few people on my way through childhood. When I look back I feel very sad that I didn’t know any better and like you, I sit down with the girls and talk to them about not hurting others feelings.
It’s great we have an anti bullying week in the UK, wouldn’t it be great that within a generation we could stamp it out?
Love that you respond to your kids in such an honest way … being able to share, and be accountable will take them a long way xxx
You are right Nicole, thanks for your kind words. Mich x
Such an important message. I also talk to my children a lot about bullying and how it can start all to easily with seemingly harmless name-calling. Great post
Thanks Nikki, I think that open communication is what will make a real difference and all kids make mistakes, It is spotting it, stopping and dealing with it that makes the difference. Mich x
Although it was unpleasant for both you and Simon, in a strange way it’s good that you have some real-life experience you can discuss with your children and that they can learn from.
Kids can be cruel and the herd-mentality means that even the nicest kids can get drawn in to this kind of behaviour. It’s our job to teach them to be stronger. Great post!
It is indeed our job and no-one said parenting would be easy, hey? Mich x
Goodness – that is amazing that you were so honest with your children as it is not easy to verbalise our imperfections.
It really is at the very core of me to be honest and to share my experiences to help others. Mich x
Mich you write so well and have brought back to me a similar incident from when I was at school and remember a child everyone thought had fleas. I’ve no idea why, I may not have joined in with the bullying but I didn’t help her either, I feel bad about that, I now think back and can remember her name and everything and how lonely she must have felt. I hope she found happiness in adulthood. One of my children was singled out at primary for bullying, we all came down on him pretty hard and it has never raised itself again, though I have a feeling with 5 siblings at secondary together there is a certain amount of unwritten “don’t mess with us” that is understood and hard to avoid. So long as it goes no further and is just a sibling looking out for each other thing I don’t mind. Bullying is wicked and should be stamped down on at all cost.
Thanks for sharing Fiona. I think open communication with our kids really is key. If we can talk to them about why it is an issue and what the consequences might be they will be more liable to listen. Mich x
What a brilliant and honest post and such an important message. Many kids just don’t realise that something like the sheep impression is bullying. It’s worse these days as these ‘fine line’ situations are dismissed as ‘banter’, which to the kids make them seem harmless, but is often just a way of making bullying seem OK.
I was bullied as a child, not all the time thank goodness, for once having worn some green trousers. The worst time, this girl repeatedly attempted to push me under a bus. Years later, I encountered her through work. The first time I had an email from her, my heart raced and I felt sick. I so wanted to tell her everything she’d done to me, but I never did. I had to email her many times because of work, but was grateful I never had to speak to her as I don’t think I could have coped.
Gosh Sarah, just another example of how it does effect people years and years after but then her trying to push you under a bus sounds pretty horrific to start with. Thank goodness she s out of your life now. Mich x
When we were kids Mari, it was called teasing and did not have any kind of severe consequences like bullying rightly does now. Bullies were the kids who physically beat others up. Thank goodness the world has progressed to realise how harmful name calling can be. Mich x
Michelle,
I think what you have done to stop dinner and have a straight talk about bullying is commendable. And, I want to hug and squeeze you for sharing your story about your experience as a bully. I know that this was a difficult post for you to write. I am proud of the person you are today. You are warm, loving and an amazing activist for people in poverty. Thank you for speaking out against bullying. Thank you for talking with Simon after all these years.
I can’t wait for my daughter to come home from school, so I can share your post with her.
Jen 🙂
Ahh Jen, I feel humbles that you would share my post wth your daughter but that is exactly why I am honest and sahre these kind of things to help our children be different. Mich x
Last night when I put her to bed, she said, “Mom, tell me a story from your childhood!” I thought, “I was supposed to read her the post!!” Instead, I told her about you and your story. We talked about it and then she said, “Mom, that was a good one.”
As someone who has been bullied, this post was very valuable. I need to understand that people change. My former bullies might not be as honest and forthcoming as you, but chances are they ARE ashamed of what they did. Thank you for that!
Yes I pray that anyone who has taken part in any kind of bullying has awakend to what happened and what they did and been able to reform. I’m so sorry to hear you were a victim of bullying. Mich x
Thank you for raising these issue Michelle. I think as parents we need to be careful when it comes to bullying. It’s such a tough subject to deal with.
I was bullied at primary school and it took me a long time to overcome the pain it caused me. I am over it now after I did some work on myself.
Thank you for sharing your story with us and for being so honest.
So glad to hear that you feel you have come past the pain of being bullid all those years back. It is terrible how it stays with us and there are still days I hear the chants and remember what happened when I was bullied. Mich x