As a single mom, Christmas has become bitter-sweet. This year I had to say goodbye to my children at 10.30am on the 25th and I won’t be seeing them again until early January. They are home for a few days and then they leave for another 10 days or so.
I’ve always loved Christmas time. As well as the anticipation of gifts and an extravagance of food, for us in New Zealand, it coincides with the start of our long summer holidays. The whole year seems to build to these weeks of swimming, beach walks, late nights and relaxation, time with friends and time with extended family. The time to make memories.
Now I am separated, my kids make many of their summer memories without me.
It’s hard enough to say goodbye to ones children on Christmas Day but, like many solo-parents, I also had to send them off to a situation which is often emotionally fraught and where the dynamics of the extended family are erratic and often volatile. On the other hand, their Dad loves them and they will have plenty of opportunities for fun and adventure, and they will (mostly) look out for one another.
I swing in my emotions around them parenting one another. I would much rather they didn’t have to do so but siblings have looked out for each other for generations, and were possibly closer and more mature for those experiences. I have seen these changes in my boys after other stretches of time away. Not what I would choose but not all bad.
My eldest is not quite 14 and my middle son is 10.5 years-old, like most siblings, they can be pretty awful to one another at home or the best of friends. These two have high emotional-intelligence and with them I have spent weeks, on and off, discussing strategies for managing different scenarios. They can Skype me whenever they want to and have safe people and safe places they can get themselves to, if the dynamics become overwhelming or feel unsafe for them. So, although I would rather they didn’t have to manage without me, I know that they can.
But my baby is only six. He just wants his Mum with him and, if unpleasant situations arise, he is too young to make sense of what is happening. I was with the older boys over previous summer breaks and could decipher situations for them. There were times when they were simply misinterpreting adult conversations, like all children do sometimes. Other times I needed to protect them from vitriol; explain mean jokes; counteract misogynistic or racist comments; or balance out blatant favoritism. I’m not there to do that for him and that is very hard on my heart.
The older boys will do what they can to help him but they are still not fully grown themselves and, quite frankly, there will be times that they don’t want to. On their return, I can talk him through things, be firm around any learned behaviors I am not happy with, and I can hug most of his broken pieces back into place. I can be his safe-place. It’s not ideal but it’s okay.
Big picture – we work better as a family with two homes. My heart hurts but the bigger part of me knows it’s the best situation overall. The reality is, I need this time to rest and be alone; I am a much better parent and person for these breaks. The boys are loved, and they will be having fun and lots of wonderful experiences. But the Mommy – guilt is big all the same and – I miss my kids.
Have you had times of Mommy-guilt? How did you manage it?
This is an original post to World Moms Blog by our writer and mother of three boys in New Zealand, Karyn Van Der Zwet.
Photo credit to the author.
Oh Karyn – my heart is breaking for you right now. Mommy guilt is so difficult to deal with, and noone truly understands what you may be going through. I have my own guilt that I deal with daily for working, being home late, so that I can’t help with homework or not be able to cook a proper dinner. It’s even worse when I have to travel and be away from them. The only thing that I have found that helps me get through it is to make the most of the time that we are together. I make a point of speaking to them everyday while traveling, so that they can tell me about their day. I remind them that I love them, and when I do make it home, I make sure to spend some fun time together and extra time snuggling. Remember, its not the quantity of time that you spend together, its the quality that counts. Try to relax and enjoy a little free time. Read a book, go for a swim, meet some friends for a glass of wine. Refresh your mind and your soul, and you will be ready for them, and all of the chaotic fun that comes along with having 3 boys in the house, when they come back home. xx
Oh sweet friend … you did and you survived. And so did they … but holidays are going to be toughest of all of the times, and making sure you are busy is key. So glad you have a great group surrounding you to take you out and about and keep a smile on your face xxxx
I totally get this, Karyn. My boys take care of each other as well. It’s a different situation, but like you said, it’s better with us as two separate families. We all get that mommy guilt, but we do the best we can and we love our kids. That’s all that matters. xo
Karyn,
How did it go? How was it when the boys returned?
I felt for you with having to let go of your 6 year old. But, he will really benefit from having a refreshed mum. Big hugs for each step forward.
xxxooo