A Chinese publisher is hiring me to write a biography for a well-known Chinese American doctor and politician. They wanted 300,000 words by the end of this year. I made it clear that it’s not possible. Considering the long-term contracts I already have, my family situation and my daily schedule, the earliest time I can finish the big book will be next May.
They offered me a $3,000 bonus if I could finish the writing the book on their timeline. Wow, $3,000!
I told them, “I’ll think about it.”
That night for some reason my little one was unusually fussy and insisted to sleep with his mommy. I squeezed myself into his toddler bed and accompanied him. After two bed time stories he fell asleep peacefully. I lay there, staring at the ceiling.
Once again I strongly felt how children can slow a mother down on her career progress. If it was three years ago, before we had a kid, producing 300,000 words within ten months would not be a problem for me at all. I am not boasting it, but hey, they didn’t call me “kuài shǒu” (the fast writer) for nothing!
But now, with a little child, if I want to finish 300,000 words in a year, either I’ll be drained or my child will be ignored.
Women certainly have a different work-life balance than men. Several years ago there was a white paper on the Position of Women in Science in Spain that concluded a man with children is four times more likely to become a full professor than a woman with children is.
The white paper emphasized that women who have children are discriminated against simply because they are mothers and not because their job performance is actually different.
Based on my own experience, I believe that is true. I was harassed by my supervisor for pumping at work. Still, there is a lot we can do to fight back when facing discrimination. We can advocate for equal working rights, we can urge our law makers to pass bills that end discrimination against working mothers, we can file law suits against our discriminating employers. I, for one example, took my previous company to court and was happy about the result.
But we cannot fight nature. The nature rule is that women have to spend more time on their children. Mothers have greater childcare responsibilities than fathers. It’s the mother, not the father, that carries the baby for months, is in labor for hours and breastfeeds for months, or even years. And while some may hope for a different division of labor some day, these work-life realities do contribute to the reason why women who are mothers are on slower career tracks than men.
In this case, if I can’t earn that $3,000 bonus, that’s simply because I need to spend time on my child, not at all because I am discriminated against.
I tossed and turned all night long. It’s not that I want the $3,000, but I really want to speed up my career progression, which has been slow ever since I had my child. But do I want to be drained? More than that, do I want to ignore my child for one whole year? Weighing these things in the balance, that $3,000 didn’t seem so important.
In the morning my little one opened his eyes and saw his mommy was still laying by his side. He giggled and touched my face. I made up my mind.
Working mothers probably will never have the perfect answer to work-life balance. It’s our paradox of choice. I just want to try to live more and regret less.
Have you struggled with juggling your career path and your role as a mother? How do you find a balance between work and home life?
This has been an exclusive post for World Moms Blog by To-wen Tseng. She can be found writing at her blog “I’d rather be breastfeeding” and on Facebook and Twitter.
Photo credit to the author.
To-Wen Tseng
Former TV reporter turned freelance journalist, children's book writer in wee hours, nursing mom by passion. To-wen blogs at I'd rather be breastfeeding. She can also be found on Twitter and Facebook.
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I know how tough it gets, I am in an almost same situation, but I always strive to put my kid first
I think it’s the situation all the working moms are in. Let’s try our best!
I totally sympathize. I really want to do my dog training business full time, but my husband is on disability and can’t take care of the kids much, and most of my hours would be weekends and evenings when daycares are closed. I may have to go back to my wage job full time because if I can’t work the hours that I need for my dream job…
You have a lot in your plate! I once had my dream job but then having kids made following my dream job a bad idea. So the anchor woman went back home and became a freelance writer. We, as mothers, all sacrificed at some point. All the best!
Thank you for sharing your story! I can definitely empthatise with the feelings and thoughts.
Just as nature has it’s seasons, so does our lives. What if we don’t see some of these choices as sacrifices? What if we see this as a time to build cherished memories, or a time to build strong bonds with out kids so that the teenage years could be easier for all of us. And what if instead of thinking that we are missing out on some big career opportunity now, we choose to believe that new and better opportunities will always be there for us? Perhaps then life can feel a little lighter and we allow in more ease when we live in that space 🙂
Thanks Ruth. These are definitely some thoughts that would make moms feel better.
But we still have to ask, while having children help men’s career, why can’t women have it all?
The story is very interesting and important. I always believed that carieer is a primary issue until I had my kids. Now I a stay at home mom and don’t regret that I can’t work. Kids are my main job ))
Sigh! I have a dream that one day no woman has to make difficult choice between career and children!
The balance between work and home life – a constant struggle! Lately I’ve been feeling a stronger pull towards the kids and home and I’m trying to figure out how to make that work because work isn’t letting up. One day at a time! Thanks for sharing To-Wen! (And good luck with all that writing!)
Thanks Eva! I ended up with making an agreement with them that I’ll finish the first 200,000 words by the end of this year. I hope there won’t be a male competitor show up and steal my job! Should that ever happen I won’t be able to compete against a man who doesn’t have children to worry about.
It’s such a complicated issue! At my job I was fortunate to have a six month paid maternity leave for my youngest child, but when I was back I often felt like I was being expected to “compensate” for the time away. The problem is I felt somewhat slow-witted as I’ve heard some women do while breastfeeding. In fact, I later read a book that showed that it is relatively normal to feel a little slower while your child is young, as biologically you’re somehow wired to focus on the child.
Even though I sometimes feel a bit frustrated because I know that my career could have advanced more if I had more time, but overall it is more important to me to give as much attention as possible to my kids in this stage of their lives regardless of the professional consequences.
So true.
Still I don’t think women should sacrifice her career too much for her children. For me career isn’t just a job, it’s about self-realization.