I watch my son playing with Lego almost every day. He’s currently using the Basics series, you know, the ones with little neighborhood scenes and people. Most times, though, he’ll create something new, something out of the box and different. He’s an imaginative boy, so I just let him be. Sometimes he’ll work for a long time on a project, not rushing it so that he can get it right (at least in his point of view).
At some point, my daughter eventually locates her big brothers’ work and, well, swiftly ends it. Her brother is five years older, but even then it’s hard for him to not take the attack on his Lego model as a personal thing. “She destroys everything,” he has often lamented, sometimes in tears of frustration. I have to explain to him that his baby sister never means anything intentionally. She is just doing what she knows (and at this stage, it’s to be the arbiter of destruction to her brother’s toys, my laptop and my husband’s coffee gear).
“You can always start again,” I’ve told Vito. “You already know how to build things. Just make something new.”
He sniffs, annoyed, frustrated and impatient all at once. “But she’ll just break it again.”
While stroking his head, knowing he is fighting back tears, I say,
“Yes, she will. But you can always, always build it again. You can make it so she can never break it again. And maybe you can show her how to build, too.”
My boy then walks away, in a mix of emotions, half in agreement, half in annoyance. It’s just a matter of time before he moves on to something else, creating again, imagining again, all the while mindful of what I’ve said.
Sometimes I’ve had to tell myself the same thing: “You can always build it again.”
In the past year, I’ve said this over and over many times. Because life has been kind, but it’s also had its harsh way with us.
We lost our home late last year. It was the first time in six years we didn’t have a home to call our own. “It’ll be OK. You can build it again.” While we can’t build a physical house (not yet anyway), we can make a home with what we have been able to make a new home for ourselves in a small place inside my parents’ compound (which is how many Filipino families live, in fact).
My husband lost his job. It’s been almost a year since my husband has been without a regular job, and since then he has setup a new business making specialty coffee and doing coffee pop-ups. It’s not stable, but it’s a start. “It’s going to be OK. We can build this.”
I failed as a mother. Several times, I can’t even count anymore. I’ve not been the best mom, and sometimes I torture myself over not being present enough for my kids. I totally failed being a work-at-home mom the last two years. It had me out of the house more times than I had imagined possible, and I’ve been beating myself up for it quite a bit. Then I see my kids, ever-forgiving, ever loving towards me. Of course, my children do not need to worry about these things that I deal with in my soul. All they need to know is that “Mom is here, she loves us, she takes care of us. We will be OK.”
Yes, my darlings. It’s going to be OK. I can build again.
And that’s really what I want to tell you, the mom reading this. You can begin again, build again. It may not mean restoring an old thing, it can be something totally new, something you haven’t thought possible before. I’m learning to be like Lego, you could say, and letting life guide the “build,” praying that whatever chapter we’re in, we as a family will learn the lesson, accept the season, and come out of it stronger than ever.
This is an original post by World Mom Martine De Luna, a writer from Manila, Philippines. Find her daily on Instagram @martinedeluna and @makeitblissful.
Dearest Martine, what an absolutely lovely post. You’re absolutely correct, for as long as we draw breath in this world we can and *must* build again, and again. I’ve been exactly where you are – with a young daughter who destroyed her brother’s creations, with a husband who was retrenched more than once, and having to move in with my grandparents until we were able to finally move into a home of our own. All of that was a long time ago, though.
My son is now 23 years old and he doesn’t even remember how annoyed he used to get at his sister (who is now 20 years old). You know that bit about feeling like a failure for not being present enough for your children? You can stop beating yourself up right now, because that’s NOT what your kids remember! They remember the good times you had together! I know this, because I have asked the question of my (now grown up) kids, and they looked at me as if I was nuts for even mentioning that I felt I was a bad mother!
After his last retrenchment, my husband and my brother started their own IT company (which they run from my home). Both of them are making more money now that they *ever* did as employees. Yes, of course it was scary at first, and we did have to “tighten our belts” for a while, but neither my husband nor my brother would ever have left a “safe” job to start a company of their own unless they had been *forced* to. I am SO grateful for our life now.
By the way, despite having grown up with a mother who actually had to be hospitalised for 6 weeks (due to severe Depression and Fibromyalgia) when they were in Primary School, and having gone through times with very little money, they have become amazing young adults! Maybe it was even *because* they saw us overcome so many obstacles, which has led them to reach for their own dreams with much more confidence than I ever had. 🙂
Be kind to yourself, Martine! You’re doing great and things *will* develop the way they’re meant to.
Sending you a big hug filled with Love and Light all the way from Cape Town. 🙂 xoxo
Dear Simone: Thank you for this encouragement. I sometimes get bogged down by how heavy the burdens are, and I try to not let it affect my parenting. I believe this is just a season in our lives, and I’ve heard from friends that it’s these times of brokenness that you never forget as a parent. You become more grateful, in the end. Hugs!
I love your message Martine. It’s something I try (not always) to tell myself when things are going the wrong way, when I’m left full of doubts and questions.
I rebuilt my life from scratch once. I know I can do it again. And I also know that every day is a new start. We can start anew every day, every hour. Moving forward knowing nothing lasts.
Thank you and wishing you the best with your loved ones.
Keep building, Martine! I had a similar experience — I was finding it different to be away more times than I wanted to be for the website. I decreased my travel. I found that I was going to conferences and taking notes and then coming back and not having the time to implement anything. I now spend more time implementing and less time traveling. I still think the networking is so important, but I didn’t have to be at everything. I wanted to be home more for my kids.
I am so sorry to hear about your home and your husband’s job. I am looking forward to hearing the story about how the coffee business will take off. Please do keep us posted on how things are going!
Martine, what a beautiful, compelling post! Your insights are wise and helpful. Thank you!
I echo the words of Simona – your little ones are likely to either remember this time as a great time, or at least, not as a challenging time. Our “mommy fears” are sometimes so much larger than they could be…meanwhile, may the Divine bring more such epiphanies to you from everyday life and may you welcome the new normal!