It would have been so easy to judge these young mothers in Ethiopia but they were doing a phenomenal job of mothering
As parents there are so many things we want to teach our children. Of course we want them to grow up to be well-rounded adults who are kind, compassionate, humble, resilient, loving, fun and display sound judgement but each of these traits takes time to develop and serious modelling from us, as parents.
If we are to be role-modelling these positive attributes then we need to have developed them too and realistically some are much easier than others. It is so simple to show love and affection to your child and in doing that helping them to take this skill into adulthood, the same with fun but what about a trait like resilience, humility or judgement?
These skills are much harder to teach and we have to have learned them ourselves first to even be able to consider passing them on. We also have to be willing to take a risk and allow our child to see us in a vulnerable state, when we are admitting that we made a mistake, that life doesn’t always go to plan and that it is wrong to make snap judgements.
It is far too easy to jump to conclusions and make judgements about another person. We see them or a situation and within a split-second we could have made a judgement about who they are or how they live their life but that’s not a good thing. Yes, it might be perfectly natural and until our brains are trained we all do it but that doesn’t make it right. We’ve all heard of the fight or flight response in a situation that scares or worries us and judgement is part of that. Have a read of this short scenario –
We see a very cute, small dog tied up in the street and go over to pet it. Crouching down and chattering away to the dog as you get really close, offering your hand first so as not to scare it. It starts to bare its teeth and snarl, all of a sudden snapping at you and pulling the lead taught. Well, my judgement was off there you think to yourself, I wonder what the dog’s problem is. Then as you turn your back to walk away, you see the owner come back and it is a woman, much like you, same build, blond hair and she shouts at the dog and then hits it and you see this formally brave pup start to cower and whimper and all of a sudden you understand. You represented a risk to that poor little creature, you looked like the woman who mistreats it.
This scenario remind us that we never know the story or a stranger, be it a dog or a person and that is why it is so important that we learn to use judgement in the right way. Of course we still have to make judgements every day and keep ourselves and our families’ safe but we can drop the judgemental behaviour, the looking down on other people and the words and actions that can isolate and even devastate another.
What I’ve found is that the amount we judge others normally equates to the way we feel about ourselves. If we are 100% happy with our lives then it is unlikely that we will take the time to find fault with the way someone else looks or dresses but when we feel down on ourselves then it is so much easier to justify our own failings by picking theirs out too.
It is therefore impossible to drop the judgemental attitude without working on some other fundamental character traits like humility and contentment and of course it isn’t always easy at first when we want (or know we need ) to change. It can be painful but it will be really worthwhile.
Here are some tips to help us teach our kids (but first ourselves) not to judge –
- Be mindful – catch your own thoughts and realise what you were thinking, negative judgements may still pop into your mind but push them away and replace them with positive affirmations
- Pause and then think before you speak or act – such a simple one but really necessary. When you catch those thoughts, don’t let them turn into actions or words, remember how they are likely to wound someone else.
- Think the best of people – look for the good in everyone, it is there. Even your neighbour that drives you crazy has some redeeming qualities and when you choose to focus on them you will shift the whole balance of your relationship.
- Depersonalise – When someone says something that you don’t like or agree with, let it go. They are just expressing an opinion or living life in their way, it is not all about you.
- Look for the connection – One of the things I have discovered whilst travelling to new countries in the last few years is that even though on the surface situations might look so different, we are more alike than different. At the end of the day all the mothers I have met just want the best for their children.
- Fight the fear – when you judge it comes from a place of fear but when you seek to acknowledge and address the fears you can be free from them
- Get involved – in initiatives that open your eyes to what is happening in your neighbourhood. I volunteer at the local food bank and winter night shelter and it would be so easy to judge the people who come into the food bank with smart clothes and a pristine iPhone but then I might find out their house burnt down and they didn’t have insurance, so yes they really do need the emergency food parcel.
- Stop judging yourself/ Feel good about yourself – Life is so much easier when you are kind to yourself. We are all fallible humans and we make mistakes, life isn’t perfect and you will fall short of your own expectations at times but that is OK. No-one ever became the best they could be by beating themselves up. Admit the mistake, look for the learning point and move on.
Being content and free of negative judgement is an absolute blessing and I think Brené Brown sums it up well: “If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people’s choices. If I feel good about my body, I don’t go around making fun of other people’s weight or appearance. We’re hard on each other because were using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived deficiency.”
If this is an area you have struggled in and worked through then I’d love to hear any tips that you have that might help others too.
Michelle Pannell
Michelle’s tales of everyday life and imperfect parenting of a 13-year-old boy and 9-year-old twin girls and her positive Christian outlook on life have made her name known in the UK parenting blogosphere. Her blog, Mummy from the Heart, has struck a chord with and is read by thousands of women across the world. Michelle loves life and enjoys keeping it simple. Time with her family, friends and God are what make her happiest, along with a spot of blogging and tweeting, too! Michelle readily left behind the corporate arena but draws on her 25 years of career experience from the fields of hotel, recruitment and HR management in her current voluntary roles at a school, Christian conference centre, night shelter and food bank. As a ONE ambassador, in 2012 Michelle was selected to travel on a delegation to Ethiopia with the organisation to report on global poverty and health. Then in 2014 she was invited to Washington, DC, where she attended the AYA Summit for girls and women worldwide. When asked about her ambassadorship with the ONE Campaign, she stated, "I feel humbled to be able to act as an advocate and campaigner for those living in poverty."
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An absolutely brilliant post, Michelle, and I couldn’t agree more! 🙂
My biggest failing is the “depersonalise” one – I know that (at least in my case) it comes from still having a low self-esteem, so (whenever someone attacks my beliefs and / or a comment or online post) I go right back to being that little girl who was never good enough for her parents. I’m still working on it!
Thanks so much for yoru encouraging comment Simona. Work on it is all you can do, by being aware of this being an area of difficulty you actually combat quite a lot of it. I think we all have these demons locked away and have to work through the stuff left over from childhood. Mich x
I love this post!! Thank you!! We are teaching our children to be kind to others and accept that everyone is different but has something to offer and the school and nursery are also very good at teaching acceptance.
I think I have learned more about not judging by being judged! It can be really hard, but is a lesson that I try to teach my boys this.
Yes living life does have its advantages, we live and we learn and often the hard times teach us far more. Mich x
Love this post!
It is also depersonalise I sometimes struggle with …and also judging myself…but guess that comes from my family being quite judgemental over my choices.
So much of how we are as adults is inherited/ learned from when we were children and it is hard to break the ties to the past but it can be done. Good luck Fozia. x
Brilliant post Michelle, really thought provoking!
I struggle with a few of the things you mention and I know that if I could work on them then I would be happier in myself – I need to de-personalise things as I often take things to heart when the person who has said whatever it is that’s bothering me has moved on and forgotten about it already.
Thank you x x
Loved this post Michelle, lots of valuable lessons there, and some I need to remind myself of. It’s so easy to Judge isn’t it, but you just never know what that person is going through…
Yep exactly Emma, we never have the full picture. I just try to think the est of everyone now (until proved otherwise)
The pointer in your post that I picked up on as the best advice was ‘depersonalise’ the situation and then I see from the comments so far that this is an area lots of us struggle with too. I have to say I learned to depersonalise at a young age, it actually came from a place of low self esteem but in the end it served to empower me. I used to try to be rational – if I heard kids sniggering at school, I’d tell myself – ‘why on earth would they be talking about you’? ‘what makes you so fabulous that people are going to even waste their time chatting about you?” It came from negativity but as I learned to detach from perceived attacks (and that is all they were – perceived) then I found that in the most part people really are good and nice, and the sniggers are not even aimed at me. It is a good skill to have, to depersonalise, it serves me well now. Now I operate from a place of good self esteem, but I built that up from being very low. It can be done, follow these tips and have faith. Great post Michelle. x
Thanks Nadine for such a great comment. Your experience sounds as if it has really helped you, although of course not pleasant at the time. I’d say I’ve been through similar and just learning over time I am not the centre of everyone’s universe and it is not all about me! lol
It can be really hard to to not judge someone but I do really try nowadays, everyone is fighting a battle that we can’t see. There really does need to be a lot more kindness in the world xx
Yes kindness is very underrated. I am forever saying to my kids it is better to be kind than right. They get fed up with me but it needs saying!
I find it really hard not to judge others, I am guessing it is natural. I am very careful about what I say in front of the kids though
Yep, little ears pick things up so easily, good to be mindful around them. Mich x
Its awful isn’t it, I find myself doing it more often then I’d like and really need to check myself! I love the idea of finding the good in someone (even if you have to look quite hard!) x
Yes sometimes you really do have to search for the positive but it is there. Just an opportunity to pretend you’re polyanna! Mich x
Such a wonderful post!!!!!
Thanks so much, I appreciate yoru feedback. x
Great tips Mich. I like to think I see the best in people, but also know that I can be too quick to judge. As I’ve become older, I’m much more understanding of the fact that you just never know what someone else is going through and it’s just so important to always be kind.
So important to see the best in people, it really changes your outlook.